Minacia's First Chapter Feedback

minacia

perpetually sour
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I saw @TheTrinary's thread and thought it was cool so I'm copying them! You should visit their thread as well if you haven't already!

How This Works:

Post a link to your story and I'll (try) to read until I don't feel like reading anymore.

If I'm unable to get through the first chapter, I'll tell you where I stopped and why.

There are no genre restrictions (anything goes), but like most people I have preferences. My favorite genres tend to involve fantasy, josei, villainesses, shapeshifters, and psychological. I will still read a diverse range of subjects (smut, BL, harem, yuri, GB, crazy weird stuff), although I tend to drop things quickly if they don't catch my attention/are too dense. It is difficult for me to read things that have poor spelling/grammar. I'm especially partial to interesting stories that have strong underlying themes.

First come first serve!

I'm often fairly busy so it may take a while before I get back to people!
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Well I couldn't ignore this thread seeing the shoutout. I shall be your first customer! Click the picture below and tell me what you think.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
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Well I couldn't ignore this thread seeing the shoutout. I shall be your first customer! Click the picture below and tell me what you think.
Reactions as I read:
  • Grammar sticks out to me; I realize that it's artistic and intentional, but it's hard to ignore
  • I feel like I struggled a bit with reading through the prologue. I forced my way through, but I'm not quite sure that I absorbed everything.
  • First chapter is much better in terms of readability.
  • I like the writing style in the first chapter. Interesting worldbuilding with circular farming.
  • I think I had some basic questions for the first chapter that I somehow missed on my first readthrough
    • Is Joshua like some kind of mercenary? A supernatural-creature hunter?
    • Why is he digging/farming? Does he live here?
  • Skimmed the second chapter
I had about 30 minutes to read so this is what I got to in that time.

Not sure if I would continue reading (maybe a lack of interest in the genre?).

I think my first impression was that I wasn't sure why I should care. The protagonists are on some kind of treasure hunt (for elements?), but it wasn't clear to me why it's important or why it really matters that much. The story feels like it has less weight because the primary problem is not very relatable for me. The first villain (the man in black) seems a little generic in the sense that my impression was that he could have been replaced with any other villain that yields the same outcome where he points in a direction for the protagonists to go. Overall, it reads a little bit like a TV series (I guess).

I definitely preferred the writing style in the 1st and 2nd chapters over the writing style of the prologue. The prologue was difficult for me to read because I have to stop and process the language (it's much slower to read and easy to get bogged down), which is a side effect of writing with very colorful prose.

You have good style though!
 

minacia

perpetually sour
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I'd also love if you took a look at my book!
Reactions as I read
  • I liked your first line / the way you started on an action scene.
  • Ryan feels like a very generic name.
  • I started skimming into the fight because I figured they would win (also I don't play games) and it seemed to be a game-style battle.
  • Your writing style is very smooth and reads every fast (which is a good thing)
  • Reminds me of a pokemon-style world where young kids are happy-go-lucky as they go around doing dangerous things lol. How old is Ryan again? Very light-hearted atmosphere.
  • Definitely interested in reading the second chapter; it's an interesting crossover between fantasy dungeon stuff and modern technology, and I want to see the shops XD
  • I like the start of chapter 2
  • Good balance of description and dialogue
  • Cliffhangers are good for writing!
  • I started skimming through the fight again (chapter 3). There's sort of a plot-armor effect (especially due to the synopsis of the novel) where I sort of know that the protagonist will win so there's not really much tension anymore. I wonder if there was a reason why you made dungeon diving appear so light-hearted, happy, and barely dangerous at all. The protagonist's party seems to behave like it's hardly dangerous (they're too happy amidst all the danger that should be there).
  • Huge change in tone on chapter 5
  • Not sure about how I feel about Ryan's reaction to the deaths. There's sort of a disconnect between now and the earlier chapters. Ryan seems to have settled on revenge, but personally it's always hard for me to understand why people want revenge or seek revenge. The psychology here isn't very apparent to me
Congratulations, I read all of it! You wrote a page turner, so good job!

I think you're pretty good at controlling pace, maintaining cliffhangers, and having interesting content at the start of chapters. This really helps keep the story engaging.

There are some aspects of your story that I wasn't as enthusiastic about (Ryan's motivations seems somewhat cliche; the early modern school-life tone makes everything seem a little too casual/normal), but I think your technical writing style is very good for the light novel genre.
 

EternalSunset0

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Let's try to give one of these a shot. Here

Oh, and once you're done or stopped, you're cool with me asking for slightly more specific opinions as a follow-up?
 
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lilGoat

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The link to mine is in my signature, will appreciate any and all feedback :)
 

OkuraTsukiko

[Peace was never an option]
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The link to mine is in my signature as well, I hope it's up to your expectations:blob_pout:
 

Discount_Blade

Sent Here To Piss You All Off
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Story doesn't really kick in until chapter 2. My chapter one is mostly an introductory into bits and pieces of the MC's personality. But eh
why not.
 

BenJepheneT

Light Up Gold - Parquet Courts
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I saw @TheTrinary's thread and thought it was cool so I'm copying them! You should visit their thread as well if you haven't already!

How This Works:

Post a link to your story and I'll (try) to read until I don't feel like reading anymore.

If I'm unable to get through the first chapter, I'll tell you where I stopped and why.

There are no genre restrictions (anything goes), but like most people I have preferences. My favorite genres tend to involve fantasy, josei, villainesses, shapeshifters, and psychological. I will still read a diverse range of subjects (smut, BL, harem, yuri, GB, crazy weird stuff), although I tend to drop things quickly if they don't catch my attention/are too dense. It is difficult for me to read things that have poor spelling/grammar. I'm especially partial to interesting stories that have strong underlying themes.

First come first serve!

I'm often fairly busy so it may take a while before I get back to people!
LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOO

zzojh1wq0c651.png


A wolf kicks the shit out of someone and then fast forwards to get the shit kicked out of him instead, through the power of SOCIETY.


Good shit, do be harsh on me.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
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Jun 22, 2020
Messages
531
Points
133
Let's try to give one of these a shot. Here

Oh, and once you're done or stopped, you're cool with me asking for slightly more specific opinions as a follow-up?
More specific opinions are totally cool!

Thoughts as I read:
  • Solid synopsis
  • Very strong start to the prologue, nice first sentence hook
  • I think it's funny that Kazuki tries to flick his fingers / draw a circle... a weird way to test for whether magical powers exist xD
  • I like your vocabulary and usage of other senses (smell)
  • Reaction after the prologue is that I'm confused, but the protagonist is equally confused, so I suppose that's anticipated
  • I like your first sentence to chapter 1 too!
  • XD ordinary male teenagers really get excited by idols? That said, I thought it was a good way to characterize the sister, although I'm a little amazed that she does all that...
  • "Filthy whale" I really like that insult lol
  • I'm beginning to see the classic cast of love interests in anime
  • My reaction after chapter 1 is that your technical writing skill is very good, especially with regards to pacing and slipping in description that benefits the story (without being obtrusive/dull)
  • Chapter 2 is technically well-crafted as everything before. That said, I'm considering stopping here (or maybe the next chapter), in part because the underlying premise of the story (disappearing people) doesn't interest me as much. My impression so far is that maybe it would be fun to see as an anime (and I can definitely picture this as an anime), but there hasn't been anything that has really gripped me in terms of something that I found especially interesting. The same sort of goes with the characters (not quite invested in them yet; many of them seem oriented around tropes).
  • Not many comments for chapter 3. Reads a lot like an actual light novel (my comparison point is DRRR since I haven't played Persona), except the premise hasn't quite gripped me. Things seem somewhat generic. The protagonist is sort of just plodding through life right now. There seems to be a large cast of character introduced so far, and most of them we only know on a superficial level.
  • Chapter 4: A change in pace, just in time! The only issue is that I spent around ~35 minutes on this story already and I have things to do today, so I'm probably going to leave it off here. Not sure if I will continue to read. I think this story might get better if I continued to read. My reaction to this chapter in particular is a little bit of bewilderment (which I suppose the protagonist also might feel) since it comes out of nowhere. I think a natural response is to wonder why this happened. Hopefully, it isn't meaningless, right? It's sort of human nature to seek meaning in unfortunate events, and it's sort of depressing if there was no meaning and it happened all from random chance.
My overall reaction is that your technical writing ability is very good and the pacing is very good. I think you're probably very talented as a light novel writer. The writing is great and I'm very enthusiastic about it!

I think for me, I didn't have any special attachment to this genre/subject matter (the synopsis did not particularly interest me in terms of things that I typically read), and I didn't find the underlying premise to be particularly intriguing. I tend to prefer stories that have strong underlying themes (i.e. Welcome to the NHK, Madoka, Monogatari Series), and I didn't feel like I was seeing anything in terms of theme and everything mostly seemed to be straight plot with a handful of characterization. I felt myself immediately comparing this story to anime/LNs I've read (i.e. DRRR, Tokyo Ravens, Oregairu), except in most cases I felt liked the other anime/light novels better.

There's a lot of potential, but I'm not sure if I'd come back to reading this after one sitting. XD

~30 minutes is probably the amount of time I'll give to each novel, so this was about as far as I got!
 

minacia

perpetually sour
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Messages
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The link to mine is in my signature, will appreciate any and all feedback :)
:blob_aww: BL!

Reactions as I read:
  • Historical >w< Fun tags
  • Chapter 1
    • First sentence grammar! I realize it's artistic but I already had to stop and re-read it
    • Second sentence pronouns are a little confusing; makes the "child" seem female when I think you're referring to the mule
    • I like the first scene though; it's an active way to start a story
    • I'm curious about how/what Lev manifested. And I wonder if there's a particular purpose to starting a story with him without powers and then immediately giving him powers on the first chapter. But I'll see as I keep reading!
  • Chapter 2
    • The description at the beginning of this chapter is really beautiful but the last chapter ended on a cliifhanger and I really want to know about Lev's Blessing!
    • Huh, a timeskip already. Makes me wonder if it was really necessary to start the story at chapter 1 or if the outcome would be different if the story started in chapter 2 after the timeskip.
    • A very beautiful butchering scene. I wonder what its purpose is in the grander scope of things.
  • Chapter 3
    • I sort of have a pet peeve for grammar...
    • I'm kind of hoping that the ML appears soon... unless it's Ilam? But for that matter, they're kids (how old are they)? I wonder if it'll happen too slowly at this rate... I tend to prefer faster paced romances.
    • Generally speaking you have very beautiful description/prose
    • Was that a kiss? Lol? A random kiss out of nowhere by a kid?
    • I like the aesthetics of "burnt cedar" btw. Very beautiful poetic style! I strongly approve!
  • Chapter 4
    • Lol I laughed at "WILL-YOU-BE-MY-GIRLFRIEND?"
    • :blob_aww: A beautiful man!
    • I didn't realize that Lev was so much of a pervert lol
  • Chapter 5
    • Not much to comment. I kind of hoped we'd be able to see more of the previous chapter.
  • Chapter 6
    • Sometimes I skim through a lot of the historical terminology. I guess in a sense, I'm here more for the BL and romance than the historical aspects, so my eyes tend to fly over everything that seems less directly related to some kind of character pairing. That said, you've certainly created a very intriguing setting. I think one of the other reasons why I tend to skim through this is because I'm not super familiar with biblical lore (so things like Canaan and Assyria and so forth don't always ring bells... aside from faint familiarity). To some extent, they're a little bit like random words for me.
    • I think this chapter was a bit dense for me.
  • Chapter 7
    • Ahh... a part two... I ended up skimming
  • I went to the table to contents to check how many more parts there were...
  • Chapter 8
    • I quickly scrolled through this chapter to see if there was anything that caught my eye
    • I think for me, I definitely wanted to see more of Lev. It might be a bit risky to spent so many chapters away from the main characters. I pretty much stopped reading at this point.
  • I clicked a few times on the future chapters, but I felt like it was hard to continue since I didn't really read chapters 6-9 much at all.

Overall impressions:
I felt very lukewarm about the first two chapters, and I'm not sure I would have stayed if I just clicked on the first chapter and skimmed a little bit of the first page. However, the scene at chapter 3/4 was fabulous and I loved it! I wanted to see more development of that and Lev, and the sequence from Chapters 6-9... were a struggle for me (I guess) when you switched to another character (it reads a little bit like a side-story too and at first doesn't seem to have an obvious connection that links chapter 5 and 6).
 

lilGoat

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 11, 2020
Messages
28
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:blob_aww: BL!

Reactions as I read:
  • Historical >w< Fun tags
  • Chapter 1
    • First sentence grammar! I realize it's artistic but I already had to stop and re-read it
    • Second sentence pronouns are a little confusing; makes the "child" seem female when I think you're referring to the mule
    • I like the first scene though; it's an active way to start a story
    • I'm curious about how/what Lev manifested. And I wonder if there's a particular purpose to starting a story with him without powers and then immediately giving him powers on the first chapter. But I'll see as I keep reading!
  • Chapter 2
    • The description at the beginning of this chapter is really beautiful but the last chapter ended on a cliifhanger and I really want to know about Lev's Blessing!
    • Huh, a timeskip already. Makes me wonder if it was really necessary to start the story at chapter 1 or if the outcome would be different if the story started in chapter 2 after the timeskip.
    • A very beautiful butchering scene. I wonder what its purpose is in the grander scope of things.
  • Chapter 3
    • I sort of have a pet peeve for grammar...
    • I'm kind of hoping that the ML appears soon... unless it's Ilam? But for that matter, they're kids (how old are they)? I wonder if it'll happen too slowly at this rate... I tend to prefer faster paced romances.
    • Generally speaking you have very beautiful description/prose
    • Was that a kiss? Lol? A random kiss out of nowhere by a kid?
    • I like the aesthetics of "burnt cedar" btw. Very beautiful poetic style! I strongly approve!
  • Chapter 4
    • Lol I laughed at "WILL-YOU-BE-MY-GIRLFRIEND?"
    • :blob_aww: A beautiful man!
    • I didn't realize that Lev was so much of a pervert lol
  • Chapter 5
    • Not much to comment. I kind of hoped we'd be able to see more of the previous chapter.
  • Chapter 6
    • Sometimes I skim through a lot of the historical terminology. I guess in a sense, I'm here more for the BL and romance than the historical aspects, so my eyes tend to fly over everything that seems less directly related to some kind of character pairing. That said, you've certainly created a very intriguing setting. I think one of the other reasons why I tend to skim through this is because I'm not super familiar with biblical lore (so things like Canaan and Assyria and so forth don't always ring bells... aside from faint familiarity). To some extent, they're a little bit like random words for me.
    • I think this chapter was a bit dense for me.
  • Chapter 7
    • Ahh... a part two... I ended up skimming
  • I went to the table to contents to check how many more parts there were...
  • Chapter 8
    • I quickly scrolled through this chapter to see if there was anything that caught my eye
    • I think for me, I definitely wanted to see more of Lev. It might be a bit risky to spent so many chapters away from the main characters. I pretty much stopped reading at this point.
  • I clicked a few times on the future chapters, but I felt like it was hard to continue since I didn't really read chapters 6-9 much at all.

Overall impressions:
I felt very lukewarm about the first two chapters, and I'm not sure I would have stayed if I just clicked on the first chapter and skimmed a little bit of the first page. However, the scene at chapter 3/4 was fabulous and I loved it! I wanted to see more development of that and Lev, and the sequence from Chapters 6-9... were a struggle for me (I guess) when you switched to another character (it reads a little bit like a side-story too and at first doesn't seem to have an obvious connection that links chapter 5 and 6).
I'll give you a spoiler, the BL will pick up very little at Trials of the Covenant, but it truly starts at Regime for the Sun as the interactions become a daily occurrence.
Thank you for such thorough feedback! :blob_aww:❤️
 

EternalSunset0

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More specific opinions are totally cool!

Thoughts as I read:
  • Solid synopsis
  • Very strong start to the prologue, nice first sentence hook
  • I think it's funny that Kazuki tries to flick his fingers / draw a circle... a weird way to test for whether magical powers exist xD
  • I like your vocabulary and usage of other senses (smell)
  • Reaction after the prologue is that I'm confused, but the protagonist is equally confused, so I suppose that's anticipated
  • I like your first sentence to chapter 1 too!
  • XD ordinary male teenagers really get excited by idols? That said, I thought it was a good way to characterize the sister, although I'm a little amazed that she does all that...
  • "Filthy whale" I really like that insult lol
  • I'm beginning to see the classic cast of love interests in anime
  • My reaction after chapter 1 is that your technical writing skill is very good, especially with regards to pacing and slipping in description that benefits the story (without being obtrusive/dull)
  • Chapter 2 is technically well-crafted as everything before. That said, I'm considering stopping here (or maybe the next chapter), in part because the underlying premise of the story (disappearing people) doesn't interest me as much. My impression so far is that maybe it would be fun to see as an anime (and I can definitely picture this as an anime), but there hasn't been anything that has really gripped me in terms of something that I found especially interesting. The same sort of goes with the characters (not quite invested in them yet; many of them seem oriented around tropes).
  • Not many comments for chapter 3. Reads a lot like an actual light novel (my comparison point is DRRR since I haven't played Persona), except the premise hasn't quite gripped me. Things seem somewhat generic. The protagonist is sort of just plodding through life right now. There seems to be a large cast of character introduced so far, and most of them we only know on a superficial level.
  • Chapter 4: A change in pace, just in time! The only issue is that I spent around ~35 minutes on this story already and I have things to do today, so I'm probably going to leave it off here. Not sure if I will continue to read. I think this story might get better if I continued to read. My reaction to this chapter in particular is a little bit of bewilderment (which I suppose the protagonist also might feel) since it comes out of nowhere. I think a natural response is to wonder why this happened. Hopefully, it isn't meaningless, right? It's sort of human nature to seek meaning in unfortunate events, and it's sort of depressing if there was no meaning and it happened all from random chance.
My overall reaction is that your technical writing ability is very good and the pacing is very good. I think you're probably very talented as a light novel writer. The writing is great and I'm very enthusiastic about it!

I think for me, I didn't have any special attachment to this genre/subject matter (the synopsis did not particularly interest me in terms of things that I typically read), and I didn't find the underlying premise to be particularly intriguing. I tend to prefer stories that have strong underlying themes (i.e. Welcome to the NHK, Madoka, Monogatari Series), and I didn't feel like I was seeing anything in terms of theme and everything mostly seemed to be straight plot with a handful of characterization. I felt myself immediately comparing this story to anime/LNs I've read (i.e. DRRR, Tokyo Ravens, Oregairu), except in most cases I felt liked the other anime/light novels better.

There's a lot of potential, but I'm not sure if I'd come back to reading this after one sitting. XD

~30 minutes is probably the amount of time I'll give to each novel, so this was about as far as I got!
A lot of thanks for giving my story a shot. Your feedback is pretty much how I predicted my work to be. Both the good and the bad (decent to sound writing skills, how much it seemed to be an actual LN, a lack of a deeper theme/unique hook, a lot of tropes in the characters).

I do try to add some character development themes per volume to change the latter, but I guess it just takes too long for the format since where you stopped is basically just the end of the first episode out of... 5 or 6 for the first volume (yes, I was visualizing it all as an anime adaptation over being a novel, hence how the glossary looked with the voice actors and all) or the first dungeon of a JRPG after the obligatory "30 minutes of talking and getting to know some NPCs before the first dungeon" that's in almost all of them. The NPCs will eventually get some time to shine.

I love the Tokyo Ravens and Oregairu comparisons. I wasn't actually thinking of those when I wrote my series, but the setting comparison is pretty much spot-on for TR. And my main trio did end up looking like the Oregairu mold (broody guy + long haired girl who's a bit aloof + big boobed girl that's livelier than black haired one). Kinda like Monogatari and AoButa too. But mine is a chuuni battle series instead of a drama/mystery one.

Thanks for giving my story a shot. I'm glad to know that at least in some regards, I'm successful. After all, what I set out to do was to make something that would look perfectly in place being put beside actual LN translations. If I managed to evoke the "I can see this as an anime" vibes, then I consider my work a success.

I'm gonna be looking for a way to add some "omph" when I finish the series (I plan around 8 volumes) to improve the hook and try to get better reception on my second try. For now, I can at least see it being a 3.5 to 4/5 series that people can find generic but fun (the seasonal popcorn with 24 episodes and a handful of lewds/merch, specifically), and as long as people can see the passion I have for the genre, that's perfectly fine.
 
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EternalSunset0

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More specific opinions are totally cool!
As for the specific feedback I asked for...

Should I have just merged the first two chapters? When I first uploaded it, I had the first chapter be the 1 and 2 that you see now before deciding to split it post-upload so that I can go down to around 4k words per chapter. I think chapter 2 has a better hook for a "first chapter end" but to reach that would take around 6k words. The same goes for other chapters. Almost everything was split into two when I ended up scheduling them (the actual chapter count of volume one is 13 I think). It's both for shortening chapters and staying longer on the "newly updated" tab. I'm not sure if the decision to do that is something I should regret.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
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As for the specific feedback I asked for...

Should I have just merged the first two chapters? When I first uploaded it, I had the first chapter be the 1 and 2 that you see now before deciding to split it post-upload so that I can go down to around 4k words per chapter. I think chapter 2 has a better hook for a "first chapter end" but to reach that would take around 6k words. The same goes for other chapters. Almost everything was split into two when I ended up scheduling them (the actual chapter count of volume one is 13 I think). It's both for shortening chapters and staying longer on the "newly updated" tab. I'm not sure if the decision to do that is something I should regret.
Hmm, I feel like it's hard for me to give any specific advice! I think your technical ability as a writer is probably better than mine, so likewise I don't have a lot of helpful things to say. Either way is probably fine.

I mean, personally, I have a weaker attention span and sometimes don't get through the entirety of someone's chapter one if it's too dense. I think it's different with physical novels (hardcopy light novels tend to have longer chapters than webnovels), but I think there may be a difference in the way that people approach novels online and offline. In the online world of webnovels, it's probably ideal to capture the reader's attention in their first sitting... because if they walk away, they might not come back. Faster-paced novels arguably do better online too.

That said I don't think you have any pacing issue. The pacing of your writing is good.

I think for (low-attention-span) me, the issue was that I started getting bored, I guess.

The premise didn't quite grab me, and the characters/dynamic didn't seem interesting enough to make up for it.

Like if I think about anime/stories that I like, Made in Abyss, Re:Zero, Bunny Girl Senpai, Grimgar, I think they definitely hooked me for having a really unique and intriguing premise. For anime/novels that weren't like that (Oregairu, Sakurasou, Chuunibyou), the characters were essential for making the story special, and a lot of people found the themes very relatable in Oregairu.

I think with your story we maybe floated past too many characters without really feeling invested in any particular one.

Now that I think about it, a lot of anime use some kind of gimmick to make their heroine stand out like a sore thumb. If the protagonist is dull, the the heroine needs to sparkle. Bunny Girl Senpai literally has the heroine walk around in a bunny suit after all..... Senjougahara uses a stapler on the protagonist's mouth.....

In contrast, the transfer student scenario feels kind of dull? Maybe a little good with self-defense? But up to where I read, that was it.
 

Shiromoon

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Nyunyu~ I want honest feedback please. Still chapter 1. I just want to know about my writing in people's eyes :shypeek:
 
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