Minacia's First Chapter Feedback

minacia

perpetually sour
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This is actually the first time I started writing, so I knew there would be some problems with it. I'll try my best to get rid of those problems as I keep writing. And another thing, you said that the villain didn't have motives to kill right? I thought horror genres usually keep the motives mysterious and then show it as the story progresses, and that's what I thought I would do in mine, keep it mysterious and then show it as the story moves forward. I left a few sentences where the villain says he would achieve his goal no matter what, but maybe I should show it even more?
Hmm, maybe a little more hinting would be nice! Maybe I read it quickly, but the villain's behavior (which is psychotic) gives the impression that they're mostly killing for fun.
 

minacia

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Impressions as I read.
  • Synopsis:
    • First smut novel here! ^^
    • I like macabre things! I wonder what kind though~ Oh and the chapters are relatively recent huh~
  • Chapter 1
    • Aww, starting with a status screen? >.< Maybe I'm biased against status screens lol
    • Don't have much to comment. Seems pretty generic.
  • Chapter 2
    • Oh, a slap!
    • Chapter is a bit short. I feel like I want to get to know the characters better.
  • Chapter 3
    • Beast skin?!!! Typo?
    • This chapter sort of opens on a summary. I feel like it would have been nice to get the summarized conversation in more detail, but then again so far in the previous chapters it seems like you skip through everything that isn't smut.
    • Hmm, nonsensical 100% smut is a little less my personal style. I tend to like smut with purpose over smut with no purpose. For instance, the heavily smut-ified training arc running arc serves no purpose other than add more smut (and if anything it makes the training less effective).
    • Another transmigrator and friend requests? :o
  • Chapter 4
    • No comment
  • Chapter 5
    • I dunno why, but this plot just doesn't interest me. It's sort of obvious from the start that the adventurers are kind of just cannon fodder.
I stopped here, and my impression overall is that this is a generic run-off-the-mill smut story. Language and writing is fine and there's no issues with readability. I think my comments are fairly well summed up by the top reader comment on Chapter 5:

So... I'm enjoying this so far, but where is this story going? Is the protagonist ever going to look at her character sheet? Is she ever going to have agency and be able to make decisions for herself? Is she ever going to have a goal, or a motivation? Will she ever be introspective and think about her situation? Will she ever have a conversation with someone (about more than just sex)?

Basically, the struggle with a slave protagonist / BDSM story is that stories become dull if there is no conflict and no goals. While I realize the appeal of a slave protagonist is to enjoy the submissive aspects (either as masturbatory material or self-insert), a story will never be anything more than cheap fap material unless the author is striving for something more.

My question for you is what kind of story are you trying to write?

Are you writing fap material or are you writing something more?

If you're looking for something more, what kind of underlying story do you want to tell that isn't related to the sex? What kind of ideas and themes do you want to convey? Pure Love X Insult Complex (PLIC) is probably the most memorable example of a smut novel that does something "more", and I might recommend that you read it and think about what makes that particular novel deeper than just superficial porn.

If you're mainly looking to write fap material, I can't comment as much about that because it's more about a person's individual preferences rather than specific storytelling details. Your story doesn't work for me (personally) because certain yuri/hentai aspects turn me off more than other BDSM-related things turn me on, but that's just my personal preferences and I'm sure you have readers that like what you write.
 

minacia

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hue hue hue....grammar is an issue in my story for sure, but I would love your feedback :)

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/218480/the-fallen-shall-rise/

:blob_aww::blob_aww::blob_aww:

*taking cookies on the side to prepare for critical feedback
Cookies for you! :blob_cookie:

Impressions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • Certain aspects of the language remind me more of a translation through a native-English novel. For instance, "Miss" and third-person self references like "this servant" are more characteristic of Chinese language than English.
    • I'm not sure if the synopsis interests me that much... I guess. Miss doesn't seem that unique when compared to a lot of other novels.
    • Tags: Psychological ^.^ Cross-dressing ^.^
  • Chapter 1:
    • Running starts to stories are a little cliche. It doesn't grab the reader as much because it's not really that memorable or distinctive when compared to the first sentences a lot of other novels.
    • Grammar is actually okay compared to a lot of novels that have been posted in this thread.
    • Hmm, we're told so little about the protagonist before seeing them die that I almost feel like I didn't gain anything from it. It's not explained or anything. I'm almost tempted to say that your story would have been roughly the same if you started from "Ouch!" (Paragraph 9), and only mentioned in passing that that your protagonist vaguely remembers being crushed by rubble.
    • Without ugly scars... the protagonist have many scars in her past life? Or were they recent injuries from the event? Because if they were recent injuries, I think it would take a lot of people time to process that they had injuries (and they certainly wouldn't scar right away).
    • Feels fairly conventional and stereotypical.
    • Hmm, the plot feels fairly accelerated here. Like you fast forward through the servant telling the protagonist about her story, which is a little too fast for my taste. I don't think it's necessary to reveal all these details at once.
    • I like how she scales the wall at the end.
  • Chapter 2
    • There's a lot of backstory infodump here. I don't think it's necessary to provide all this info all at once, and you can slowly reveal details as the story progresses (particularly when it becomes relevant to the current scene/plot).
    • :O asked to be a body pillow.... being nice to your servants is cliche in these types of historical transmigration stories, but I don't think I've ever seen a protagonist ask their servant to sleep with them lol XD
    • Chapter is short
  • Chapter 3
    • She's a little happier than I would expect for someone who just transmigrated.
    • Lue's personality feels a bit generic and she feels too obedient. Actually, most of the characters seem rather generic... I kind of want to see a more independent servant someday (like one that thinks for her own and has her own opinions/goals even though she does what she's told).
    • Mary Sue protagonist, I guess.
    • Sneak him home xD
  • Chapter 4
    • Mhmm... money is the answer *nods sadly*
    • Ohhhh here comes the marriage bombshell....
    • I was about to drop here but if the ML is being introduced... I guess I have to stay XD
  • Chapter 5
    • Wuuut? Rofl XD Is the protagonist serious?
    • I feel like the protagonist didn't really give that compelling of a reason why she doesn't want to be married. If it just for sentimental reasons, I can understand, but she's more resistant than I would have expected especially since she hasn't even met him yet. Like seriously, if you were told that you were going to meet this attractive guy and maybe you might marry him, wouldn't you at least be curious about getting to meet him first? :blob_hide: Like if you hate him after you meet him, that's totally understandable, but at least I feel like I would be curious if nothing else...
    • Ohhhhh, so Li Jing is the ML then....
    • I'm sooo curious! I want both of their routes lol. Maybe it's because I'm bad but I still want to get a glimpse at at Zheng Fue too (I'm tend not to believe rumors very much)
  • Chapter 6
    • Ahh... I kind of like cold guys lol. I have a feeling that he's definitely better than the rumors.
  • Chapter 7
    • Ahhh, business chapter! :blob_aww:
    • I like how direct Zheng Fui is xD I kind of like him lol
    • Rofl he called her a slut
Okay I stopped reading here (I probably would have kept reading if I didn't force myself to stop though).

My first comment is that you baited me with the ML's. :blob_upset: I only stayed because I wanted to get to know them! It's like a trashy shoujo manga addiction and once you start you can't stop.

From a technical storytelling perspective, I felt like your story was mediocre. It uses a lot of cliches (i.e. modern girl goes to ancient china and wows everyone with her modern personality) which I've seen in various novels of multiple forms. She is sort of a Mary Sue protagonist and the story seemed to be quite unrealistic in the sense that everything seems to magically go her way. She doesn't experience many challenges and there's not really a significant conflict that drives the story. Two gorgeous guys kind of fall into her lap and the reader can instantly tell that the protagonist is going to have a fluffy time like she's living in heaven.

....which to be honest, maybe all of us read from time to time. :sweat_smile::sweat_smile::sweat_smile:

That said, I have a standard in my feedback posts and my standards in this post are more rigorous! Just because you got me to flip pages because I wanted to see if I liked the MLs doesn't mean that your story is objectively good! :blob_hmph: It's still a run-off-the-mill cliche story!

:blobrofl: .......

....Well fine, I guess you succeeded at getting me to read and enjoy it though. :blob_pout: Your story was light-hearted in various ways and the comedy was well spaced. No issues with flow.

My main criticisms are that it's just cliche and there's not really a substantive/compelling conflict (other than baiting the reader to gawk at the MLs xD).
 

heheawecomemana

Active member
Joined
Dec 2, 2020
Messages
7
Points
43
Cookies for you! :blob_cookie:

Impressions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • Certain aspects of the language remind me more of a translation through a native-English novel. For instance, "Miss" and third-person self references like "this servant" are more characteristic of Chinese language than English.
    • I'm not sure if the synopsis interests me that much... I guess. Miss doesn't seem that unique when compared to a lot of other novels.
    • Tags: Psychological ^.^ Cross-dressing ^.^
  • Chapter 1:
    • Running starts to stories are a little cliche. It doesn't grab the reader as much because it's not really that memorable or distinctive when compared to the first sentences a lot of other novels.
    • Grammar is actually okay compared to a lot of novels that have been posted in this thread.
    • Hmm, we're told so little about the protagonist before seeing them die that I almost feel like I didn't gain anything from it. It's not explained or anything. I'm almost tempted to say that your story would have been roughly the same if you started from "Ouch!" (Paragraph 9), and only mentioned in passing that that your protagonist vaguely remembers being crushed by rubble.
    • Without ugly scars... the protagonist have many scars in her past life? Or were they recent injuries from the event? Because if they were recent injuries, I think it would take a lot of people time to process that they had injuries (and they certainly wouldn't scar right away).
    • Feels fairly conventional and stereotypical.
    • Hmm, the plot feels fairly accelerated here. Like you fast forward through the servant telling the protagonist about her story, which is a little too fast for my taste. I don't think it's necessary to reveal all these details at once.
    • I like how she scales the wall at the end.
  • Chapter 2
    • There's a lot of backstory infodump here. I don't think it's necessary to provide all this info all at once, and you can slowly reveal details as the story progresses (particularly when it becomes relevant to the current scene/plot).
    • :O asked to be a body pillow.... being nice to your servants is cliche in these types of historical transmigration stories, but I don't think I've ever seen a protagonist ask their servant to sleep with them lol XD
    • Chapter is short
  • Chapter 3
    • She's a little happier than I would expect for someone who just transmigrated.
    • Lue's personality feels a bit generic and she feels too obedient. Actually, most of the characters seem rather generic... I kind of want to see a more independent servant someday (like one that thinks for her own and has her own opinions/goals even though she does what she's told).
    • Mary Sue protagonist, I guess.
    • Sneak him home xD
  • Chapter 4
    • Mhmm... money is the answer *nods sadly*
    • Ohhhh here comes the marriage bombshell....
    • I was about to drop here but if the ML is being introduced... I guess I have to stay XD
  • Chapter 5
    • Wuuut? Rofl XD Is the protagonist serious?
    • I feel like the protagonist didn't really give that compelling of a reason why she doesn't want to be married. If it just for sentimental reasons, I can understand, but she's more resistant than I would have expected especially since she hasn't even met him yet. Like seriously, if you were told that you were going to meet this attractive guy and maybe you might marry him, wouldn't you at least be curious about getting to meet him first? :blob_hide: Like if you hate him after you meet him, that's totally understandable, but at least I feel like I would be curious if nothing else...
    • Ohhhhh, so Li Jing is the ML then....
    • I'm sooo curious! I want both of their routes lol. Maybe it's because I'm bad but I still want to get a glimpse at at Zheng Fue too (I'm tend not to believe rumors very much)
  • Chapter 6
    • Ahh... I kind of like cold guys lol. I have a feeling that he's definitely better than the rumors.
  • Chapter 7
    • Ahhh, business chapter! :blob_aww:
    • I like how direct Zheng Fui is xD I kind of like him lol
    • Rofl he called her a slut
Okay I stopped reading here (I probably would have kept reading if I didn't force myself to stop though).

My first comment is that you baited me with the ML's. :blob_upset: I only stayed because I wanted to get to know them! It's like a trashy shoujo manga addiction and once you start you can't stop.

From a technical storytelling perspective, I felt like your story was mediocre. It uses a lot of cliches (i.e. modern girl goes to ancient china and wows everyone with her modern personality) which I've seen in various novels of multiple forms. She is sort of a Mary Sue protagonist and the story seemed to be quite unrealistic in the sense that everything seems to magically go her way. She doesn't experience many challenges and there's not really a significant conflict that drives the story. Two gorgeous guys kind of fall into her lap and the reader can instantly tell that the protagonist is going to have a fluffy time like she's living in heaven.

....which to be honest, maybe all of us read from time to time. :sweat_smile::sweat_smile::sweat_smile:

That said, I have a standard in my feedback posts and my standards in this post are more rigorous! Just because you got me to flip pages because I wanted to see if I liked the MLs doesn't mean that your story is objectively good! :blob_hmph: It's still a run-off-the-mill cliche story!

:blobrofl: .......

....Well fine, I guess you succeeded at getting me to read and enjoy it though. :blob_pout: Your story was light-hearted in various ways and the comedy was well spaced. No issues with flow.

My main criticisms are that it's just cliche and there's not really a substantive/compelling conflict (other than baiting the reader to gawk at the MLs xD).
heheh thank you so much for the feedback!!
Haha yeah I love Chinese novels and it was inspired by it ...opps too inspired?
hahaha....hehe yeahhh its old scars, due to her old occupation...I agree I was debating between flashbacks with her nightmares or just info dump...cough I got lazy? xD LOOL
Hue hue hue I'll admit Lue is pretty standard and I wasn't really focused on her, shes mainly used for comedic reason. But yeah I will try to make MC suffer more from now on and less Mary Sue and let Lue have a bigger role. xD

Hehe ML is the gem of all romance novel :3

Thank you thank you! I will work harder to make it less cliched!

*munches on cookies happily
 

Malonymous

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
131
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103
Hello, I would hype my story up as a psychological fantasy with a pseudo-villainess MC but the content is probably more absurd than what you would usually look for :sweat_smile:
I'm curious what you think or how far you make it, thanks~
 

Michuyu

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Jan 4, 2021
Messages
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83
I saw @TheTrinary's thread and thought it was cool so I'm copying them! You should visit their thread as well if you haven't already!

How This Works:

Post a link to your story and I'll (try) to read until I don't feel like reading anymore.

If I'm unable to get through the first chapter, I'll tell you where I stopped and why.

There are no genre restrictions (anything goes), but like most people I have preferences. My favorite genres tend to involve fantasy, josei, villainesses, shapeshifters, and psychological. I will still read a diverse range of subjects (smut, BL, harem, yuri, GB, crazy weird stuff), although I tend to drop things quickly if they don't catch my attention/are too dense. It is difficult for me to read things that have poor spelling/grammar. I'm especially partial to interesting stories that have strong underlying themes.

First come first serve!

I'm often fairly busy so it may take a while before I get back to people!
Ahhhh I know you must be super busy now with how far this thread has gotten, but I wanna leave a link to my story here: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/220404/i-wish-i-was-pretty/
Thank you so much for this opportunity!
 

FADEX

Active member
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Aug 24, 2020
Messages
13
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43
I read through everything and it's really detailed 😍 Thanks for taking the time to do this. My story is also inspired by C novels and dramas (as a warning).

 

LostLibrarian

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
709
Points
133
I think I was disappointed with the "stuck-in-a-game" development that started around Chapter 4. The story slowly converted over to a more typical "starting over" situation, and many of the thematic elements that I adored in the beginning sort of disappeared. In other words, the protagonist became more "normal" and therefore more boring as a consequence. Your story relies on an appeal to realism, hoping that readers will like this realistic approach to isekai, but I feel like it lacks a little substance in terms of direction. The protagonist feels a little bit too "free" in a sense (he wants to go on an adventure... which is maybe too open-ended??).
In all honesty, I also had that feeling why editing, but couldn't really put my finger on the problems. In fact, the later parts of this volume are going back to being lonely and slowly getting out of that shell or rather picking the way that protects (and connects) with other people. But somehow this transition part to the middle felt a bit abrupt. And now with your thread, I can see what bothered me.

I wrote this in a rush back then to achieve the words goal of the contest, so my switch from the lonely theme to the "overall realistic theme of the series" was way too abrupt. I actually found some ideas on how to fix that (make Thea more of an outsider in the village as well to keep that theme (being alone together)), though that would mean a full rewrite of a lot of scenes. So not for now :-/


But while I think that some parts of the generic aren't something that should be thrown away for an game-isekai with a more realistic approach, your feedback really helped my iron that one point out.

Thanks a lot =)
 

minacia

perpetually sour
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Jun 22, 2020
Messages
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Hello, I would hype my story up as a psychological fantasy with a pseudo-villainess MC but the content is probably more absurd than what you would usually look for :sweat_smile:
I'm curious what you think or how far you make it, thanks~
Comments as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • "God-tier" somehow elicits a negative reaction from me immediately as soon as I see it.
    • Hmm, not sure if I'm feeling another pervert GB story, but let's read it anyways!
  • Prologue
    • Oh that's quite a juxtaposition for a first line. Intriguing I guess if it's intentional. I like this opening.
    • Pearlescent! It's unusual for webnovels to hit vocabulary that I've never seen before!
    • An intriguing retake on something cliche, and self-aware of the cliche elements too.
    • Lol the sudden monologue
    • Flow is pretty good and natural. I'm surprised that you said that this your first time writing a webnovel because it's better than I expected. I was definitely expecting something more shallow from the synopsis and this prologue exceeded my expectations.
    • That said, I personally find protagonist's worldview a little bit disagreeable/simplistic, but it's fine. I thought that Beryl was a little too easily motivated by "a thousand-year long orgy with all the sexiest angels you can ever imagine", which to me is quite shallow.
  • Chapter 1
    • Lol the title. First sentence is great and I like what you did.
    • It's really interesting how self-aware your story is of the tropes. The reminder that this is satire is helpful because I can't tell if this is entirely serious or not. Specifically, satire has a punchline (an underlying message), and I haven't identified that underlying message because the story still seems to take itself quasi-seriously. I'd almost say it's more trope-busting comedy than satire, strictly speaking.
    • Lol Alice, and the Re:Zero vibes.
    • Feels like a somewhat nonconventional reaction (by Alice) to have towards a random alien who came from another world. The jump into alchemy doesn't feel appropriate.
    • Yeah, definitely too fast xD Alice is way to trusting/friendly/intimate with a stranger.
    • Style overall is pretty good and the story is engaging. The story is a bit formulaic and it's not really that interesting in terms of plot to have Alice just show MC around the city; it's rather passive and open-ended in a negative sense.
  • Chapter 2
    • Your favorites drop precariously in this chapter. >.< I wonder why...
    • Lol "too much information"
    • I don't trust Alice at all, lol. Never trust anyone who so suspiciously says they want to be friends with you!
  • Chapter 3
    • Ugh. I feel like I want to bang my head on something.
    • I feel like even if the theme is catfishing, it should be executed better. Or should I say, Beryl feels as if she has zero experience catfishing (like she's acting more like a person's stereotypical impression of a catfish), and less like someone who's genuinely good at it. Even when baiting someone (a like sugar daddy or whatever), there's a certain degree of tact because people generally aren't that dumb. Catfishing is an art! :blob_hmph: It's precisely the same as creating a likable character that has elements of plausibility, vulnerability, and seems real. If you can write a believable character for a story, then you know how to catfish (provided you know how to roleplay). Shallow characters are like walking catfish flags that anyone can spot from a mile away. Source: me
  • Chapter 4
    • I think the perverted elements of this story just tire me. It just doesn't interest me.
    • It's like well-written and stuff but I just sort of skimmed through all of this.
    • Is mind break the right term or identity death?
    • I'm considering dropping but I'll read one more chapter.
  • Chapter 5
    • So from Chapter 3 I had a lot of suspicions for Ciedrich. Specifically, I thought he had some kind of evil plot (like baiting a child into a white van with candy) and overall he just seemed way too sketchy to me.
    • Things just feel off to me.
So my impressions of your story were that it was a lot better than I expected. The beginning was particularly great with how it up-ended tropes with a comedic effect, and I like your style. I think your story became less compelling as the chapters progressed because there isn't much of a plot, and there isn't much of a reason for readers to stay unless they're interested in the the MC putting on dresses and other GB stuff. The more recent chapters of your story feel more cliche and deals with typical/boring/stereotypical elements of GB stories in contrast to the refreshing take int he beginning.

Personally, this story didn't really connect with me. I thought it was a shallow take on catfishing (which IMO is a really interesting subject with a lot of fascinating discussions) and femininity in general. It didn't really feel like there was a purpose to everyone being a pervert, and it the ecchi elements didn't feel like they added very much to the story other than to provide fanservice for the reader. The characters feel shallow.

But your writing is good and the pacing was nice. It was easy to turn pages/chapters, and your words keep the reader's attention.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
531
Points
133
Ahhhh I know you must be super busy now with how far this thread has gotten, but I wanna leave a link to my story here: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/220404/i-wish-i-was-pretty/
Thank you so much for this opportunity!
Reactions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • Ahhhh I'm a sucker for this theme.
    • I would probably read this on my own if I had time.
    • Tags: Tragedy <3 Insecurities hit hard with me
  • Chapter 1:
    • Why is this title different from the other ones?
    • Inconsistent tenses (I played with the ends of my hair).
    • First paragraph doesn't flow as well I would hope. I think part of the reason is because there are a lot of ideas in a single paragraph, so it delivers less of a cohesive package.
    • The opening feels a little too direct on the ugliness and almost trope-y. I feel like real life is often more indirect (people tend not to say you're ugly to your face), and instead its through subliminal stuff behind one's back that this occurs.
    • I like this premise with the numbers.
    • Huuh, I'm confused why the third guy is interested in MC already. It feels a bit like an otome game already, except the setup is a bit shallow.
    • I'm sooooo suspicious of people who just ask to be "best buds" like Britney. Maybe I'm just paranoid and distrusting. It doesn't make sense to me why she is being nice.
    • Lol Jacob writes his number down on her hand.
    • I think my first impression is that my brain is telling me no but my appetite is telling me yes... :blob_no: Putting three guys in the first chapter is cheating! I want to know more about them even though I feel like the story is kind of weak.
  • Chapter 2
    • I like how you put Britney in the Internet cafe too. It's a good way to reuse side characters and develop them.
    • Oh... Vampire hunter sounds like a flag
    • I feel like the MC "melts" a little too easily at Mars's singing... Maybe describe it a little better? Mars has been so bad to the MC that at the very least she should have a different reaction.
    • Whaaaat Jacob XD I want to see lol......
  • Chapter 3
    • I feel like your first sentences are a little bit dull.
    • I feel like MC's behavior isn't really consistent with her having a complex about her appearance. Her personality seems rather secure (almost outgoing/extroverted), or at least she isn't avoidant in the way that I would expect with someone with a strong self-esteem complex. For instance, she often seems bored and more like a normal girl rather than anything.
    • Sometimes people say that using all caps isn't very good writing style.
    • Wow MC has quite some ego: "I mean, Britney is pretty, but not THAT pretty. If I tried, I’d probably look better."
  • Chapter 4
    • Wut that application response
    • MC's response seems interesting. I'm still processing it in my head. She's so peculiar.
    • .................It doesn't make sense! Why is everything so weird! The prince.... :blob_dizzy:
  • Chapter 5
    • Huh...

I sort of stopped reading at Chapter 5. I'm intrigued... it's bizarre.... and kind of wild in some ways. The story feels kind of amateurish but I can also tell that you have a lot of passion and ideas for your story. You should keep writing and doing what you love! I think Jacob is my favorite and I sort of enjoy little bits of interactions with the guys.

I think from a formal storytelling perspective, a bunch of things didn't quite it if off with me. I think one element is simply that I don't find the MC's personality that relatable (and I'm speaking as someone with quite poor self-esteem). The story didn't quite deal with the ugliness theme as well as I hoped, and rather it seems like a plot device that moves along the story rather than something bigger or more meaningful. The developments are a bit crazy/fantastic, and I'm not sure what to think. The setup is rather cliche.

But keep writing! I hope more people will read your story.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
531
Points
133
I read through everything and it's really detailed 😍 Thanks for taking the time to do this. My story is also inspired by C novels and dramas (as a warning).

Reactions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • I like the synopsis (and crossdressing <3) and it reminds me of in-print books that I used to read. It's well written and I feel a desire to click!
    • Though out of curiosity, how do you switch yourself out with your twin sister when it's clear the body double will die?
    • Tags: <3 Josei, Androgynous, BL subplot, conflicting loyalities, conspiracies, enemies become lovers, kingdom building
  • Chapter 1
    • Pretty title. Love the first sentence. Why so few favorites?!!
    • The switch back and forth between third person narration and addressing the reader ("you" statements) distracts me. I stumbled a bit on the first few paragraphs, especially since you're asking the reader to grasp a pretty complicated political plot straight away as soon as they jump in.
    • The sentence structure is a bit convoluted and complicated. To highlight an example:
In the end as a queen she was different, she believed in nothing and hence had no conviction, and despite being of the firm belief that all men were equal, Oris had never once expected to die—no one ever did, until the moment turning back was no longer an option.
  • ^
    • Readability suffers when the syntax is complicated like this. Moreover, this is a comma-splice. While I think there is a temptation to write with beautiful language, I think it's important to keep clarity in mind (particularly on opening chapters) or else you'll lose your readers before they're invested in the story. Additionally, words tend to fly through the readers head without really sticking.
    • This is a fascinating situation on a high level perspective, although Sir Rodholf's behavior sort of causes me to scratch my head. Everyone should be well aware that their kingdom has fallen, so his urgency/gravity seems confusing to me.
    • Characters seem to fall along archetypal lines, and their reactions feel little bit too predictable/stereotyped. Essentially we have a noble queen and loyal knight saying exactly what you would expect them to say at the eleventh hour.
    • Oh, the sister lost her mind.
    • Wait, this is a harem novel? XD
    • I guess I'm curious. Onto the next chapter!
    • I think another thing is that I feel like you hold the reader's hand through a lot of thematic elements. It's not necessary to explain everything. Sometimes leaving things unexplained and opened-ended is a powerful way to deliver theme rather than explicitly explaining the symbolism of specific word choice.
  • Chapter 2
    • Ohhh... starting with a timeskip... Sometimes I tell people that if the story is going to start with a timeskip so early, is it really that necessary to start the chapter at Chapter 1? Why not stop the story at Chapter 2? Is there something essential about the first chapter that can't be explained or covered later? (either as a dream or flashback or fain references to the past?)
    • I like the start to the chapter a lot. It's engaging and I'm intrigued.
    • Ohh... she used to be a peasant. But that seems inconsistent with her model queen behavior (holding the constitution in her hand) in the first chapter.
    • I'm interested in the plot xD This development!
  • Chapter 3
    • Huh... that's quite some ambition to raise a heir.
    • I guess one thing that I haven't completely processed was why it matters to struggle so much to restore one's kingdom, rather than living peacefully incognito ^-^ This is especially the case since the MC doesn't seem to have been born as royalty, so I feel like she should have weaker attachments to her bloodline. Why does reviving Orse matter?
    • I like how you gave the kidnappers a more understandable motivation and a bit of a sympathetic personality. They seem less like cannon fodder stock villains (which is very common in other stories)
    • MC is extraordinarily calm, but maybe that's just her personality
  • Chapter 4:
    • Not much to comment
    • So far the MC is sort of being carried along, which is a little bit less compelling in terms of plot/agency, but I'm waiting for something to happen!
  • Chapter 5:
    • Why crying?
    • Huhhh, interesting turn of events.
  • Chapter 6
  • Chapter 7
    • I feel like a lot of words pass by before anything happens. For instance, it's better several chapters now talking about the sister and various other things. Perhaps the pacing is a bit slow for my taste.
    • The direction of the plot feels a bit roundabout to reach this conclusion of placing the MC in the harem. It makes me wonder if it was strictly necessary to bring the MC to the convent before taking her to the harem, or if it would have been faster to start the plot by taking her directly to the harem.
  • Chapter 8
    • Feels like a bit of a reversal and Oris is now sympathetic to a stranger. I think for me, it still kind of conflicts with the premise that she desperately wants to restore her kingdom, because I'm not sure she can afford diversions like this.
I stopped here.

I think the writing is good and you have good narrative style. I have no major issues reading your story (aside from a little bit of hiccups in the beginning), and I think your story is nicely detailed.

I can't really pinpoint the reason, but I don't feel that strong of a motivation to keep continuing. I think part of it may be that the plot/pacing is somewhat slow and there isn't that much urgency. It feels a little bit like we walked in a circle without really going anywhere.

For instance, it's clear almost from the beginning of the second chapter that the main conflict of this story is the MC confronting Hermes and somehow regaining her kingdom. The loop out of the convent felt like it didn't achieve very much (in terms of narrative weight), other then giving her a reason to go. In a sense, it kind of reminds me those linear "Go to Point A" "Then go to Point B" "Then go to Point C" type story structures, which is a bit bland. Furthermore, there doesn't seem to be a strong conflict/resolution in this first mini-arc.



For instance, if we imagine your story as this types of plot diagrams, I feel like the conflict/tension has sort of... smothered... for the past couple chapters. It doesn't feel like the protagonist did anything to overcome the first hurdle, and she sort of just experiences it.

Oris's personality confuses me a little and I haven't grasped her character entirely.

Anyhow... don't take this feedback too seriously. :blob_no:

I'm actually kind of grasping for straws and it's difficult for me to identify specific criticisms. All I know is that I feel a little lukewarm and I'm not entirely sure why. Your writing is beautiful though.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
531
Points
133
@Assurbanipal_II I read the two chapters you recommended!

They're intriguing flashbacks for sure, and it's interesting content that provides even another layer to Aurora.

I'm not sure if it's emotional enough to my personal tastes, mostly in part because a lot of times I seek things that are emotional in a relatable way. Emotions of a child are sort of difficult to manage because they tend to fall in more simplistic directions, and they don't always hold a lot of complexity (I mean, children aren't developed yet xD).

Aurora's eyes sparkled. Her sadness disappeared and hope returned. Aurora beamed like a little radiant sunshine. Her happiness blinded him.

“Yay!“ Aurora bounced for joy. She was happy. Her search ended.

^ To highlight these two paragraphs, you have a tendency to "tell" emotions (i.e. "she was happy", "her mood improved"). It's okay in these two chapters because children are often portrayed with simplistic emotions/personalities, but one exercise/challenge to consider is whether it's possible to convey emotions without saying it.

For instance, how do you express a sad character without using the word "sad"? Or a happy character without using the word "happy"?

That's what I mean! ^^ I'm actually a huge sucker for emotions told through negative space, such as emotions expressed with unreliable narrators. Isn't it beautiful when a character when a character lies about their emotions? ("I'm not angry."), or when a character's body language reveals their feelings? Or alternatively, the narration / though content can be used to express emotions too. For instance, if you have a character who's attracted to another character, you can spend a paragraph narrating the exquisite details of the ML's jawline to simulate your MC's fixating their gaze on the ML without explicitly saying that the MC is "in love".

That said, I actually found Friedrich's character particularly interesting in this section.
 

Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
Joined
Jul 27, 2019
Messages
1,921
Points
153
@Assurbanipal_II I read the two chapters you recommended!

They're intriguing flashbacks for sure, and it's interesting content that provides even another layer to Aurora.

I'm not sure if it's emotional enough to my personal tastes, mostly in part because a lot of times I seek things that are emotional in a relatable way. Emotions of a child are sort of difficult to manage because they tend to fall in more simplistic directions, and they don't always hold a lot of complexity (I mean, children aren't developed yet xD).





^ To highlight these two paragraphs, you have a tendency to "tell" emotions (i.e. "she was happy", "her mood improved"). It's okay in these two chapters because children are often portrayed with simplistic emotions/personalities, but one exercise/challenge to consider is whether it's possible to convey emotions without saying it.

For instance, how do you express a sad character without using the word "sad"? Or a happy character without using the word "happy"?

That's what I mean! ^^ I'm actually a huge sucker for emotions told through negative space, such as emotions expressed with unreliable narrators. Isn't it beautiful when a character when a character lies about their emotions? ("I'm not angry."), or when a character's body language reveals their feelings? Or alternatively, the narration / though content can be used to express emotions too. For instance, if you have a character who's attracted to another character, you can spend a paragraph narrating the exquisite details of the ML's jawline to simulate your MC's fixating their gaze on the ML without explicitly saying that the MC is "in love".

That said, I actually found Friedrich's character particularly interesting in this section.
:blob_aww: Yay, well, I personally like the raw brutality of simplicity. Indirect descriptions have their merit, but they beat too much around the bush for my taste and lose in power. Especially, when you have child protagonists simplicity suits better the character.
 

Malonymous

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
131
Points
103
Comments as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • "God-tier" somehow elicits a negative reaction from me immediately as soon as I see it.
    • Hmm, not sure if I'm feeling another pervert GB story, but let's read it anyways!
  • Prologue
    • Oh that's quite a juxtaposition for a first line. Intriguing I guess if it's intentional. I like this opening.
    • Pearlescent! It's unusual for webnovels to hit vocabulary that I've never seen before!
    • An intriguing retake on something cliche, and self-aware of the cliche elements too.
    • Lol the sudden monologue
    • Flow is pretty good and natural. I'm surprised that you said that this your first time writing a webnovel because it's better than I expected. I was definitely expecting something more shallow from the synopsis and this prologue exceeded my expectations.
    • That said, I personally find protagonist's worldview a little bit disagreeable/simplistic, but it's fine. I thought that Beryl was a little too easily motivated by "a thousand-year long orgy with all the sexiest angels you can ever imagine", which to me is quite shallow.
  • Chapter 1
    • Lol the title. First sentence is great and I like what you did.
    • It's really interesting how self-aware your story is of the tropes. The reminder that this is satire is helpful because I can't tell if this is entirely serious or not. Specifically, satire has a punchline (an underlying message), and I haven't identified that underlying message because the story still seems to take itself quasi-seriously. I'd almost say it's more trope-busting comedy than satire, strictly speaking.
    • Lol Alice, and the Re:Zero vibes.
    • Feels like a somewhat nonconventional reaction (by Alice) to have towards a random alien who came from another world. The jump into alchemy doesn't feel appropriate.
    • Yeah, definitely too fast xD Alice is way to trusting/friendly/intimate with a stranger.
    • Style overall is pretty good and the story is engaging. The story is a bit formulaic and it's not really that interesting in terms of plot to have Alice just show MC around the city; it's rather passive and open-ended in a negative sense.
  • Chapter 2
    • Your favorites drop precariously in this chapter. >.< I wonder why...
    • Lol "too much information"
    • I don't trust Alice at all, lol. Never trust anyone who so suspiciously says they want to be friends with you!
  • Chapter 3
    • Ugh. I feel like I want to bang my head on something.
    • I feel like even if the theme is catfishing, it should be executed better. Or should I say, Beryl feels as if she has zero experience catfishing (like she's acting more like a person's stereotypical impression of a catfish), and less like someone who's genuinely good at it. Even when baiting someone (a like sugar daddy or whatever), there's a certain degree of tact because people generally aren't that dumb. Catfishing is an art! :blob_hmph: It's precisely the same as creating a likable character that has elements of plausibility, vulnerability, and seems real. If you can write a believable character for a story, then you know how to catfish (provided you know how to roleplay). Shallow characters are like walking catfish flags that anyone can spot from a mile away. Source: me
  • Chapter 4
    • I think the perverted elements of this story just tire me. It just doesn't interest me.
    • It's like well-written and stuff but I just sort of skimmed through all of this.
    • Is mind break the right term or identity death?
    • I'm considering dropping but I'll read one more chapter.
  • Chapter 5
    • So from Chapter 3 I had a lot of suspicions for Ciedrich. Specifically, I thought he had some kind of evil plot (like baiting a child into a white van with candy) and overall he just seemed way too sketchy to me.
    • Things just feel off to me.
So my impressions of your story were that it was a lot better than I expected. The beginning was particularly great with how it up-ended tropes with a comedic effect, and I like your style. I think your story became less compelling as the chapters progressed because there isn't much of a plot, and there isn't much of a reason for readers to stay unless they're interested in the the MC putting on dresses and other GB stuff. The more recent chapters of your story feel more cliche and deals with typical/boring/stereotypical elements of GB stories in contrast to the refreshing take int he beginning.

Personally, this story didn't really connect with me. I thought it was a shallow take on catfishing (which IMO is a really interesting subject with a lot of fascinating discussions) and femininity in general. It didn't really feel like there was a purpose to everyone being a pervert, and it the ecchi elements didn't feel like they added very much to the story other than to provide fanservice for the reader. The characters feel shallow.

But your writing is good and the pacing was nice. It was easy to turn pages/chapters, and your words keep the reader's attention.
Thank you, this is the kind of feedback I've been looking for!!

For better or worse, I had kind of a silly/shallow yet quasi-serious (thanks I love that term lol) comedy anime vibe in mind for the first chapters. In hindsight, maybe I should have tried to introduce the plot sooner instead of planning the first ~10 chapters as more of a character-driven prologue arc? I kind of felt readers would expect more stereotypical ecchi GB stuff at some point so I might have gone overboard in the changing room scene :sweat_smile: Although maybe it was part of the identity death process...

You were right about Ciedrich; ch. 6 sort of revealed him as the first major antagonist who was only playing along with her for his own purposes... The wrong impression might've been given since the catfishing thing wasn't what the whole story was supposed to be about; I felt like a mini arc with a nobleman was needed given the MC's backstory of catfishing for gold in games, and the MC is supposed to have a comical (narcissistic) overestimation of her abilities, hence some of the silliness. It was supposed to be more of a silly villain vs. villain kind of thing that ultimately leads to a dramatic climax rather than a serious take on catfishing/gold digging :sweat_smile:

One of the biggest underlying themes in the story I was trying to work toward was that all the characters aren't actually perverts; most of them are relatively normal people with their own quirks (once the MC gets to know them) and it's the egotistical MC herself who has a biased definition of 'normal,' lacking self-awareness of her own eccentricities. It's sort of meant as a meta reference to the 'mainstream' opinion of GB as a whole being 'weird/perverted' when there can be lots of potential beneath the surface, but maybe that's too ambitious to try conveying wrapped in a comedy shell?

With the way chapter favorites were declining, I was afraid the story was slowly turning into a narrative mess... If you don't mind a follow-up, would you still recommend I continue writing as-is or try rewriting with a clearer plot introduced on chapter 1/2 besides the overarching 'get stronger and slay the demon king?'

P.S. What are some good references for catfishing/gold digging in case I wanted to try a serious take on it at some point? 😇
 
Last edited:

Michuyu

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
167
Points
83
Reactions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • Ahhhh I'm a sucker for this theme.
    • I would probably read this on my own if I had time.
    • Tags: Tragedy <3 Insecurities hit hard with me
  • Chapter 1:
    • Why is this title different from the other ones?
    • Inconsistent tenses (I played with the ends of my hair).
    • First paragraph doesn't flow as well I would hope. I think part of the reason is because there are a lot of ideas in a single paragraph, so it delivers less of a cohesive package.
    • The opening feels a little too direct on the ugliness and almost trope-y. I feel like real life is often more indirect (people tend not to say you're ugly to your face), and instead its through subliminal stuff behind one's back that this occurs.
    • I like this premise with the numbers.
    • Huuh, I'm confused why the third guy is interested in MC already. It feels a bit like an otome game already, except the setup is a bit shallow.
    • I'm sooooo suspicious of people who just ask to be "best buds" like Britney. Maybe I'm just paranoid and distrusting. It doesn't make sense to me why she is being nice.
    • Lol Jacob writes his number down on her hand.
    • I think my first impression is that my brain is telling me no but my appetite is telling me yes... :blob_no: Putting three guys in the first chapter is cheating! I want to know more about them even though I feel like the story is kind of weak.
  • Chapter 2
    • I like how you put Britney in the Internet cafe too. It's a good way to reuse side characters and develop them.
    • Oh... Vampire hunter sounds like a flag
    • I feel like the MC "melts" a little too easily at Mars's singing... Maybe describe it a little better? Mars has been so bad to the MC that at the very least she should have a different reaction.
    • Whaaaat Jacob XD I want to see lol......
  • Chapter 3
    • I feel like your first sentences are a little bit dull.
    • I feel like MC's behavior isn't really consistent with her having a complex about her appearance. Her personality seems rather secure (almost outgoing/extroverted), or at least she isn't avoidant in the way that I would expect with someone with a strong self-esteem complex. For instance, she often seems bored and more like a normal girl rather than anything.
    • Sometimes people say that using all caps isn't very good writing style.
    • Wow MC has quite some ego: "I mean, Britney is pretty, but not THAT pretty. If I tried, I’d probably look better."
  • Chapter 4
    • Wut that application response
    • MC's response seems interesting. I'm still processing it in my head. She's so peculiar.
    • .................It doesn't make sense! Why is everything so weird! The prince.... :blob_dizzy:
  • Chapter 5
    • Huh...

I sort of stopped reading at Chapter 5. I'm intrigued... it's bizarre.... and kind of wild in some ways. The story feels kind of amateurish but I can also tell that you have a lot of passion and ideas for your story. You should keep writing and doing what you love! I think Jacob is my favorite and I sort of enjoy little bits of interactions with the guys.

I think from a formal storytelling perspective, a bunch of things didn't quite it if off with me. I think one element is simply that I don't find the MC's personality that relatable (and I'm speaking as someone with quite poor self-esteem). The story didn't quite deal with the ugliness theme as well as I hoped, and rather it seems like a plot device that moves along the story rather than something bigger or more meaningful. The developments are a bit crazy/fantastic, and I'm not sure what to think. The setup is rather cliche.

But keep writing! I hope more people will read your story.
Ahhh thank you so much for
Reactions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • Ahhhh I'm a sucker for this theme.
    • I would probably read this on my own if I had time.
    • Tags: Tragedy <3 Insecurities hit hard with me
  • Chapter 1:
    • Why is this title different from the other ones?
    • Inconsistent tenses (I played with the ends of my hair).
    • First paragraph doesn't flow as well I would hope. I think part of the reason is because there are a lot of ideas in a single paragraph, so it delivers less of a cohesive package.
    • The opening feels a little too direct on the ugliness and almost trope-y. I feel like real life is often more indirect (people tend not to say you're ugly to your face), and instead its through subliminal stuff behind one's back that this occurs.
    • I like this premise with the numbers.
    • Huuh, I'm confused why the third guy is interested in MC already. It feels a bit like an otome game already, except the setup is a bit shallow.
    • I'm sooooo suspicious of people who just ask to be "best buds" like Britney. Maybe I'm just paranoid and distrusting. It doesn't make sense to me why she is being nice.
    • Lol Jacob writes his number down on her hand.
    • I think my first impression is that my brain is telling me no but my appetite is telling me yes... :blob_no: Putting three guys in the first chapter is cheating! I want to know more about them even though I feel like the story is kind of weak.
  • Chapter 2
    • I like how you put Britney in the Internet cafe too. It's a good way to reuse side characters and develop them.
    • Oh... Vampire hunter sounds like a flag
    • I feel like the MC "melts" a little too easily at Mars's singing... Maybe describe it a little better? Mars has been so bad to the MC that at the very least she should have a different reaction.
    • Whaaaat Jacob XD I want to see lol......
  • Chapter 3
    • I feel like your first sentences are a little bit dull.
    • I feel like MC's behavior isn't really consistent with her having a complex about her appearance. Her personality seems rather secure (almost outgoing/extroverted), or at least she isn't avoidant in the way that I would expect with someone with a strong self-esteem complex. For instance, she often seems bored and more like a normal girl rather than anything.
    • Sometimes people say that using all caps isn't very good writing style.
    • Wow MC has quite some ego: "I mean, Britney is pretty, but not THAT pretty. If I tried, I’d probably look better."
  • Chapter 4
    • Wut that application response
    • MC's response seems interesting. I'm still processing it in my head. She's so peculiar.
    • .................It doesn't make sense! Why is everything so weird! The prince.... :blob_dizzy:
  • Chapter 5
    • Huh...

I sort of stopped reading at Chapter 5. I'm intrigued... it's bizarre.... and kind of wild in some ways. The story feels kind of amateurish but I can also tell that you have a lot of passion and ideas for your story. You should keep writing and doing what you love! I think Jacob is my favorite and I sort of enjoy little bits of interactions with the guys.

I think from a formal storytelling perspective, a bunch of things didn't quite it if off with me. I think one element is simply that I don't find the MC's personality that relatable (and I'm speaking as someone with quite poor self-esteem). The story didn't quite deal with the ugliness theme as well as I hoped, and rather it seems like a plot device that moves along the story rather than something bigger or more meaningful. The developments are a bit crazy/fantastic, and I'm not sure what to think. The setup is rather cliche.

But keep writing! I hope more people will read your story.
thank you so much for reading more than one chapter 😭 I’m sorry it’s poorly written haha I’m rushing to get chapters out. But I’ll try to incorporate all of your feedback! Thank you much again!! I hope u have a good day!! 🥰🥰🥰
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
531
Points
133
One of the biggest underlying themes in the story I was trying to work toward was that all the characters aren't actually perverts; most of them are relatively normal people with their own quirks (once the MC gets to know them) and it's the egotistical MC herself who has a biased definition of 'normal,' lacking self-awareness of her own eccentricities. It's sort of meant as a meta reference to the 'mainstream' opinion of GB as a whole being 'weird/perverted' when there can be lots of potential beneath the surface, but maybe that's too ambitious to try conveying wrapped in a comedy shell?
Ahhh, it didn't come out by the time I stopped reading your story.

I think it's a nice theme, but I wasn't picking it up in the early chapters. There's also a risk of picking up readers who are into one thing but then you pivot your story into something else.

P.S. What are some good references for catfishing/gold digging in case I wanted to try a serious take on it at some point? 😇
Ohhh, I dunno! It's more of a personal experience thing (at least for me), so it's sort of knowing the right people and stuff.

IMO, it's surprisingly more normal than you would expect.

And I tend to think personality matters more than appearance (particularly online).

Moreover, I think people tend to seek companionship over lewds (and people are generally wary of people who seem too fake). For instance, the most reliable way to pick someone up online is probably to just give them a lot of attention... kind of like watering plants. If you message them a lot, don't come on too fast, and just be yourself (well, basically be natural), things could start coming together. A lot of people like vulnerability, so it's actually a good thing if you get vulnerable and talk about deep/heavy things. It adds depth to a relationship and a lot of people seek that.

The closer that truth and lies blur, the better... probably.

I think one thing to recognize is that it's definitely not something that happens overnight. Like it's virtually the same as developing a regular relationship except there's more of an element of a lie in it. The same methods work. Like for instance, something that I would do with the online people I like would be that would message them good morning and goodnight every day...

Another thing I want to touch on is that the motivations for catfishing/gold digging aren't always that superficial.

Well, I can't speak about games since I don't play games, but other forms of catfishing aren't always totally malicious. Like a lot of times, people do it to boost their self-esteem or are seeking their own form of companionship. Sometimes people aren't confident in themselves and find it easier to approach a situation as a persona who's a bit better than who they really are. In truth, a lot of people probably do something similar (i.e. leaving out inconvenient flaws) when dating, except catfishing is a more extreme form of that.
 

Malonymous

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
131
Points
103
Ahhh, it didn't come out by the time I stopped reading your story.

I think it's a nice theme, but I wasn't picking it up in the early chapters. There's also a risk of picking up readers who are into one thing but then you pivot your story into something else.
Yeah it's a while longer into the story before that theme gets slowly introduced
Ohhh, I dunno! It's more of a personal experience thing (at least for me), so it's sort of knowing the right people and stuff.

IMO, it's surprisingly more normal than you would expect.

And I tend to think personality matters more than appearance (particularly online).

Moreover, I think people tend to seek companionship over lewds (and people are generally wary of people who seem too fake). For instance, the most reliable way to pick someone up online is probably to just give them a lot of attention... kind of like watering plants. If you message them a lot, don't come on too fast, and just be yourself (well, basically be natural), things could start coming together. A lot of people like vulnerability, so it's actually a good thing if you get vulnerable and talk about deep/heavy things. It adds depth to a relationship and a lot of people seek that.

The closer that truth and lies blur, the better... probably.

I think one thing to recognize is that it's definitely not something that happens overnight. Like it's virtually the same as developing a regular relationship except there's more of an element of a lie in it. The same methods work. Like for instance, something that I would do with the online people I like would be that would message them good morning and goodnight every day...

Another thing I want to touch on is that the motivations for catfishing/gold digging aren't always that superficial.

Well, I can't speak about games since I don't play games, but other forms of catfishing aren't always totally malicious. Like a lot of times, people do it to boost their self-esteem or are seeking their own form of companionship. Sometimes people aren't confident in themselves and find it easier to approach a situation as a persona who's a bit better than who they really are. In truth, a lot of people probably do something similar (i.e. leaving out inconvenient flaws) when dating, except catfishing is a more extreme form of that.
Okay cool! I had the impression that most people would think of 'catfishing' with the negative/malicious connotation but that makes a lot of sense!

Thanks for doing this thread btw, this is really awesome! :blob_highfive:
 

Zelthias

Active member
Joined
Dec 20, 2020
Messages
2
Points
43
I might as well throw my story into the ring. Thinking about changing the synopsis because it calls to mind a video-game min-maxxer.

 
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