TheTrinary
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I mean, it absolutely doesn't matter. I was just being funny.
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Hathnuz
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Can I also get a feedback? My story is rather old but I wanna know your opinion regardless.
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The Magic Lumberjack
Kane — who was once a mighty ax saint and master blacksmith — fell from his glory after completing his vengeance. He fled to a faraway kingdom but was killed by an invading demon in an unfortunate event. For an unknown reason, his journey somehow hasn’t ended. Kane found himself in...
TheTrinary
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I'm going say this is the strangest thing I've read so far. It swings widely in every which way in terms of quality.Can I also get a feedback? My story is rather old but I wanna know your opinion regardless.
The Magic Lumberjack
Kane — who was once a mighty ax saint and master blacksmith — fell from his glory after completing his vengeance. He fled to a faraway kingdom but was killed by an invading demon in an unfortunate event. For an unknown reason, his journey somehow hasn’t ended. Kane found himself in...
Right away, you have me hooked on that title. "Magic Lumberjack" sounds amazing if played straight, and it is. And then the actual prose starts off very strong. I even had one of those moments where one particular sentence made me think "this is nice." Similarly, I like the idea of the plot. Its a solid start to a story. But. . . .
This is where I need to go into detail because there are problems. Your prose is delightful in places, but then you'll switch verb tenses seemingly at random. Its the kind of mistake I would normally call bad, but in your case it just seemed sloppy since I saw that you could write and you knew what you were doing. And relative to what was happening, the mistakes seemed acceptable so we were still good to go.
But then the world building got a little. . . eh. I'd call it blunt? The information about the ranking system is delivered completely inorganically and it really takes you out of the story. It might as well just be an aside to the actual story where it sits you down and explains things. Plus, even out side of that, the entire concept of weapon ranks is kind of clumsy I guess? Everything gets assigned a number, and that's the world building. I'm not going to say that it can't be interesting, but the way its presented here is so straight forward and over narrated that I found it awkward. You're almost between a rock and a hard place. You either need less description or more. Either he brings in a sword and someone says "That's rank 10!" and you don't even know what that means, or you have to have far greater detail explaining what that means. It gets really bogged down and kind of silly when people are just throwing out numbers left and right. What is the difference between 4 and 7? I don't know. "Power" is too nebulous if its a focus.
And finally the story. Like I said before, good idea for a start but the trouble is in the execution. The blacksmith just randomly happens to be a super powerful warrior who can speak to demons and the demons run from him. Shadow puppets eat everyone. These are things that just happen.
The crazier you get with ideas, the more you need to build them up and establish their basis. You literally have an army of dolls rise from the ground and massacre the entire castle in two sentences. What. You need to have a paragraph describing their grimy little fingers clawing their way out of the hellish black under the floor. How, people watch in horror uncertain what to do. How someone gets eaten alive and then pandemonium breaks out. You can't have genocide occur in two sentences. That isn't the kind of occurrence you can just aside.
Similarly, the blacksmith just randomly being able to do this stuff is odd. There needs to be buildup. The audience are treating him like he's the town drunk. That doesn't make sense. If he's a mysterious guy with a dark past they don't know about, they should treat him that way. Even if he has become the town drunk, you need to have some character question that and say a rumor that he heard that he knows magic or something. In fact, the blacksmith openly talks about doing magic and putting a seal on the sword. That's jarring. Build mystique. He can go from drunk blacksmith to badass monster hunter in the first chapter, but we have to know that's a possibility.
That's about it. Probably the most interesting thing I've gotten to talk about. It's not the sort of thing I would continue reading for my own enjoyment, but it's not totally without merit. And you have a lot of ideas and possibilities here.
Hathnuz
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Thank you so much for the very thoughtful feedback! I agree with everything you've just written and I'll fix those problems in some time. Though I wonder what makes the mc strikes you as a drunkard? Because I didn't actually intend him to be one lol. Also,
If I may ask, which sentence was it?
michelleleeee
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Um... if you still wanna read and am bored and like BL- sweet love- type of story, please check mine out. Still fresh so any feedbacks would be helpful.
Heaven's Chosen [BL]
Heaven's Chosen [BL]
TheTrinary
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I didn't think he was literally a drunkard, that was hyperbolic more than anything. I was just trying to convey that everyone (including the reader) viewed him as just some schlubby guy who was kind of a loser.
And let's see the sentence. . . "Among the crowd, a well-dressed young nobleman asked himself but loud enough to be heard by a person who stood beside him"
The use of but was wonderful in that old timey, medieval style. Other parts were anachronistic, but that specific construction of a sentence hit just right. It was *chef's kiss* perfect.
TheTrinary
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Not 100% exciting, but you nail the first sentence in terms of thesis statement. I get exactly what it is right away. With that said it's a no from me.
It doesn't look like it was written in English. It really feels like it is was run through google translate and that's the manuscript text 1:1. Outside of this the set up is pretty overdone (kid dreams in class (although the end actual serves as a serviceable hook and would work well if clearer)). And the final issue are the characters. I can't relate to any of them. The MC falls in love with someone in his dreams. Like genuinely head over heels. The teacher is making fun of a student for having sexual dreams, just blatantly and in the open. I wouldn't call them caricatures. Just ideas for characters or ideas how they could interact.
If I would add in a plus, I'd say a certain amount of the bluntness gives it a dream like quality. He's just in another world (I assume). His dreams are taken as so matter of fact and real. If its intentional, you have a strength you can build off of.
KingMusa
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Here is the first.chapter of one of my stories that I've put off, for a very long time cause I have been busy with other work! Hope you ENJOY!
February 20 x739 E6
By the shores stood a tall cliff, which held up a small stone fortress belonging to a group of bandits called 'Cliffside Bandits'. Within the cold dirty jail cells of the fortress, many unfortunate captives reside inside. In one of the cells is a type2 cat beastling, with deep black messy hair, his ears and tail are also deep black. Noctis has a brown skin tone and his right eye is a fiery blue while his left eye is a fiery green, and they seem to glow in the dark. Tonight is Noctis's second night in jail and he is yet to find a way to escape this fortress and continue with what he originally planned to do, which was to steal an artifact from this very fortress.
"Holy shit I've been in this shit hole for two days now!!...and the worst part is all these prisoners are boys! None of them are girls" Noctis complained out loud
"Shut up cat! Some of us are trying to sleep" one of the prisoners snapped at Noctis
"Pathetic! You should be thinking of a way out of this prison!" Noctis snapped back. "Man I knew I should have kept some extra picks with me, thanks to my bad luck I ended up in this shit hole"
Just then the doors to the cell room started opening and one of the bandits walked in with a new prisoner. Upon seeing the new prisoner a big grin appeared on Noctis's face since it was finally a female prisoner. The female prisoner had a human-like appearance with long light dark purple hair that got a little lighter at the bottom and velvet eyes. The bandit forcefully shoved the dark purple hair female into a prison cell adjacent to Noctis's prison. The bandit then scanned all of the prisoners to make sure none of them had escaped before he left and shut the gates behind him.
"Damnn barbarians...you can't keep me locked up forever!" The women shouted
"I totally agree with you, I've been in this shit hole for two days now, and they treat you like shit. Like come on even a prisoner deserves some common decency" Noctis said as he walked up to the bars of his jail cell. "My name is Noctis by the way if you don't mind me asking what's yours, ma'am?" Noctis asked politely, as he looked past his cell bars and towards the new prisoners cell
"My name is Violet. You said you have been in here for two days, have you ever tried to escape?" Violet asked as she scanned the area looking for a way out
"I have but unfortunately I've had no luck but...if your willing to cooperate, I could get us both out of this fortress" Noctis replied
"Your a complete stranger, for all I know you could be a murder or a big creep, how can I trust you?" Violet replied with distrust as she kept on looking around for an escape
"Do I look like any of that to you?" Noctis asked as he put his head through the space between the bars of his cell. "Besides you don't look like the type of women that would want to sleep in a shit hole like this, so I don't think you have a choice"
Violet stuck her head out of the cell and took a look at Noctis then brought her head back in and with a sigh, she continued to say "I guess I don't have much of a choice...what's your plan on getting us out of here?"
"Okay now, how do I say this without seeming like a pervert?" Noctis thought to himself. After a quick second of thinking, Noctis decided to just be straight forward and not make it sound weird or make it seem like he is a pervert. Noctis cleared his throat then continued to say "Violet I need you to hand me your bra" Noctis asked with a straight face in an emotionless tone
"What are you some kinda sick pervert that gets turned on by women's bra!?" Violet rebuked
"Yup there was no way I could have worded that, without coming off as a complete pervert" Noctis nervously laughed. "But no I'm not a pervert, I just need the clips on your bra strap so I can pick our locks and free us" Noctis explained
"I hate this a lot, but I see no other way out...so here, you better not do any funny business with it," Violet said as she took off her bra through her shirt and passed it to Noctis
Noctis reached out of his prison cell and grabbed the bra, which by the way had incredibly soft paddings and was a size ranger from a C cup to a D cup and it felt/looked expensive. "Judging by your bra I can tell you come from a wealthy family...am I right?" Noctis asked, trying to make conversation as he pulled up the clips of the bra
"I guess you can say something like that…" Violet replied as she looked at the door to the cell room
"Your quite calm for someone who just got caught by a group of bandits," Noctis said as he slowly picked the lock to his cell door
"Let's just say these bandits are the least of my problems" Violet replied
In no time Noctis picked the lock and the doors to his cell opened, he was once again a free cat...well almost. Noctis pulled down a lever on the wall of the jail room which opened everyone else's cell, freeing everyone that was in the cell room.
"The doors are open!?" One of the prisoners said confused but happy at the same time
"Yes, I Noctis the black cat, have freed all of you! And now that the bandits are sleeping, right now is the best time for us to make our escape or attack back!" Noctis shouted as he faced all the prisoners with a grin on his face
The prisoners looked at each other still a little confused but after realizing that they were free they shrugged and with a loud battle cry they rioted through the entire fortress.
"Why free all of them?" Violet asked as she walked up to Noctis
"Now that we're up close and personal, you're much prettier than I first thought," Noctis said looking at Violet with a flirtatious look. "Not only that but your breast are perfect," Noctis added on looking at Violet's braless breast, as he rubbed his chin
"Don't even try it cat...now answer my question why did you free everyone else, it just makes getting out of here messy" Violet replied as she crossed her arms and looked directly at the black cat in front of her
"Okay relax" Noctis replied as he took a step back "I did it to use them as a distraction so I can do what I came here to do before leaving...plus does it really matter? Your free now so get going"
"Hmmm, well I'm sticking with you until we get out of this fortress since that was our deal" Violet replied
"Well then, let's get going," Noctis said before running off in search of the artifact he came looking for.
Violet followed Noctis through the riot and chaos that was happening. Some prisoners were attacking the bandits and others were wasting no time in escaping.
"You see there is so much chaos going on, that the bandits won't even notice us," Noctis said as he ran upstairs higher into the fortress
Violet stayed quiet and just followed behind Noctis. Soon Noctis and Violet were stopped by a thick gate, which led to Noctis destination. Noctis tried opening the door but it wouldn't open, the door was locked.
"Well, what now cat?" Violet asked as she looked behind her to check if any bandit were heading their way
"No need to worry I came prepared for this very moment" Noctis replied as he pulled out two black hair clips from his hair and unfolded them so that he could use it as a lock pick
"The hell! If you had a clip this whole time, then why did you ask for my bra" Violet asked with frustration
"Well these clips break once you have used them, so that's why I didn't use em earlier," Noctis said as he started to pick the lock
"You damn thief now I'm walking around with no bra," Violet said gritting her teeth at Noctis
"You make that sound like a bad thing...got it, its opened," Noctis said as the clip snapped
Noctis pushed the door open and as soon as he did an alarm went off that echoed throughout the entire fortress.
"Well shit, that's not good...I wasn't told about this" Noctis said as he looked around
"Of course this isn't good, let's hurry before bandits come our way!" Violet said a little panicked
Noctis ran into the room with Violet following behind. As soon as Noctis entered the room he was met with the artifact he came here for, which was an ocean blue orb, placed carefully on an altar. The orb was fairly large, big enough to filll up one hand. Noctis quickly grabbed the orb from the altar and placed it into a small bag.
"Okay ma'am, let me escort you out," Noctis said looking a Violet with a smirk
"You're too kind, now let's go!" Violet replied in sarcasm
Before Noctis and Violet could make their way downstairs a group of six bandits all carrying swords, stood in front of them, blocking the exit of the room they were in.
"hold on to this for me," Noctis said as he handed Violet the small bag containing the orb
Violet grabbed the orb and stood there while Noctis got ready for combat. The bandits slowly approached Noctis with their swords held tight in their hands, one after the other they charged at Noctis. With Noctis's quick cat reflexes and speed, he was able to dance around the bandits and deliver quick and swift attacks at the bandits. After a few minutes, Noctis had taken out all six bandits with little to no effort.
"Color me impressed, I didn't pick you for a fighter," Alice said with an impressed expression
"Yeh maybe after all this crap we should go on a date, and I'll show you what else I can do," Noctis said in a flirty tone as he looked directly into Alice's eyes
"You're some kind of womanizer aren't you?" Violet replied as she walked past him, heading downstairs
"Hey I was blessed with good looks, so I might as well use it" Noctis replied with a chuckle as he also headed downstairs
Noctis and Violet quickly make it to the end of the stairs and quickly stop as they couldn't proceed any further, due to being blocked by a bunch of bandits, more than twenty of them all carrying weapons. All the bandits seem to not care about the other prisoners as they were all leaving and the bandits were not stopping them. The orb that Noctis stole must be of great importance.
"Don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but looks like our way out has been blocked by angry bandits" Violet said as she slowly took a few steps back
"Well...ah hey there guys...I suppose you wouldn't just let us through…?" Noctis asked with a nervous chuckle
"That orb you thieves have is of great importance, so we will be taking it off your dead corpse!" One of the bandits said in an angry tone, as he tightened the grip on his blade
"what now cat?...are you going to fight them all?" Violet asked as she looked at Noctis
"If I fought all of them with no weapon, especially on an empty stomach. Even I would probably lose or sustain serious injuries" Noctis replied as he slowly took a few steps back. The bandits started to move towards them, all with the intent to kill
"Do something Noctis, I can't die now...not yet" Violet said in a distressed tone
Noctis looked at Violet and saw that she looked uneasy and her face was filled with sorrow and regret, Noctis then looked back at the bandits with a nervous look. "Here goes nothing"
Noctis grabbed Violet's hand and started to run back upstairs, dragging Violet along behind him. The group of bandits chased after them, all with their weapons raised in their hands. Noctis and Violet soon reach into the room, back where the orb was, Noctis closed the door behind him and pushed a bookshelf in front of it.
"W-what are you doing?" Violet asked with a confused look
"I promised I'd get both of us out of here, didn't I?" Noctis said with a smile, to reassure Violets safety
"But..the only way out is downsta-" before Violet could finish her sentence Noctis grabbed her hand and continued to drag her upstairs
Soon both Noctis and Violet arrived at the very top of the fortress, where they were now facing a big river that laid beneath the hill that the fortress was built on. Noctis walked over to the edge of the fortress and looked down at the river, then took a deep breath and made his way back to Violet.
"Okay Violet, I need for you to put your trust in me one more time," Noctis asked with a regrettable look on his face
"The look on your face says I shouldn't...what are you planning cat?..." Violet asked with a worried look
Soon a loud bang could be heard downstairs back in the fortress, it seems like the bandits have knocked down the door. Noctis grabbed both of Violet's hands and looked her in the eyes "look we don't have time...so I just need you to trust me one more time" Noctis says as he looked at Violet with a reckless smile on his face.
Violet hesitated a little bit, but when she heard the bandits running upstairs closing in on them. She nodded her head and in a nervous tone she said "I trust you"
One after the other, the bandits made their way on top of the fortress and wasted no time in charging at both Noctis and Violet. "Alright, Violet hold on tight to that orb!" Noctis quickly says as he picked up Violet in a bridal position. The sudden action makes Violet blush a little, but as she realizes Noctis running towards the edge of the fortress. She grabbed tight onto Noctis and closed her eyes.
Noctis reaches the edge of the fortress and without a hint of hesitation, he leaps off of the fortress and down towards the water. Both Violet and Noctis let out a loud scream as they fall towards the water. They soon fall straight into the water sinking to the bottom like a heavy rock. Noctis quickly swims up to the surface of the water with Violet in his arms.
We actu...actually survived...maybe I do have some good luck on me" Noctis said with coughs in between his sentence
"....i-I'm still alive!" Violet said with relief as she looked around, but her expression quickly changed to a worried and frightened look. "Look over there cat!...we're close to a waterfall!" Violet shouts as she points at the waterfall that was pulling them in
"God damn it, I jinxed it," Noctis thought to himself
Noctis and Violet quickly started swimming towards land, as the current pulled them towards the waterfall. They finally reach land and Noctis helps Violet out of the water and safely onto land, but as Violet was about to help Noctis out of the water, a huge piece of log came rushing towards Noctis and took him away before he could safely make it onto land. The log pushed Noctis away from land and towards the waterfall.
Noctis reaches the edge of the waterfall, with no hopes of getting out of the situation he simply shouts "Stupid Rotten Luck!!!". Noctis falls down the waterfall going for a rollercoaster ride, before finally plummeting into the river below the waterfall.
The Cat and The Vampire
February 20 x739 E6
By the shores stood a tall cliff, which held up a small stone fortress belonging to a group of bandits called 'Cliffside Bandits'. Within the cold dirty jail cells of the fortress, many unfortunate captives reside inside. In one of the cells is a type2 cat beastling, with deep black messy hair, his ears and tail are also deep black. Noctis has a brown skin tone and his right eye is a fiery blue while his left eye is a fiery green, and they seem to glow in the dark. Tonight is Noctis's second night in jail and he is yet to find a way to escape this fortress and continue with what he originally planned to do, which was to steal an artifact from this very fortress.
"Holy shit I've been in this shit hole for two days now!!...and the worst part is all these prisoners are boys! None of them are girls" Noctis complained out loud
"Shut up cat! Some of us are trying to sleep" one of the prisoners snapped at Noctis
"Pathetic! You should be thinking of a way out of this prison!" Noctis snapped back. "Man I knew I should have kept some extra picks with me, thanks to my bad luck I ended up in this shit hole"
Just then the doors to the cell room started opening and one of the bandits walked in with a new prisoner. Upon seeing the new prisoner a big grin appeared on Noctis's face since it was finally a female prisoner. The female prisoner had a human-like appearance with long light dark purple hair that got a little lighter at the bottom and velvet eyes. The bandit forcefully shoved the dark purple hair female into a prison cell adjacent to Noctis's prison. The bandit then scanned all of the prisoners to make sure none of them had escaped before he left and shut the gates behind him.
"Damnn barbarians...you can't keep me locked up forever!" The women shouted
"I totally agree with you, I've been in this shit hole for two days now, and they treat you like shit. Like come on even a prisoner deserves some common decency" Noctis said as he walked up to the bars of his jail cell. "My name is Noctis by the way if you don't mind me asking what's yours, ma'am?" Noctis asked politely, as he looked past his cell bars and towards the new prisoners cell
"My name is Violet. You said you have been in here for two days, have you ever tried to escape?" Violet asked as she scanned the area looking for a way out
"I have but unfortunately I've had no luck but...if your willing to cooperate, I could get us both out of this fortress" Noctis replied
"Your a complete stranger, for all I know you could be a murder or a big creep, how can I trust you?" Violet replied with distrust as she kept on looking around for an escape
"Do I look like any of that to you?" Noctis asked as he put his head through the space between the bars of his cell. "Besides you don't look like the type of women that would want to sleep in a shit hole like this, so I don't think you have a choice"
Violet stuck her head out of the cell and took a look at Noctis then brought her head back in and with a sigh, she continued to say "I guess I don't have much of a choice...what's your plan on getting us out of here?"
"Okay now, how do I say this without seeming like a pervert?" Noctis thought to himself. After a quick second of thinking, Noctis decided to just be straight forward and not make it sound weird or make it seem like he is a pervert. Noctis cleared his throat then continued to say "Violet I need you to hand me your bra" Noctis asked with a straight face in an emotionless tone
"What are you some kinda sick pervert that gets turned on by women's bra!?" Violet rebuked
"Yup there was no way I could have worded that, without coming off as a complete pervert" Noctis nervously laughed. "But no I'm not a pervert, I just need the clips on your bra strap so I can pick our locks and free us" Noctis explained
"I hate this a lot, but I see no other way out...so here, you better not do any funny business with it," Violet said as she took off her bra through her shirt and passed it to Noctis
Noctis reached out of his prison cell and grabbed the bra, which by the way had incredibly soft paddings and was a size ranger from a C cup to a D cup and it felt/looked expensive. "Judging by your bra I can tell you come from a wealthy family...am I right?" Noctis asked, trying to make conversation as he pulled up the clips of the bra
"I guess you can say something like that…" Violet replied as she looked at the door to the cell room
"Your quite calm for someone who just got caught by a group of bandits," Noctis said as he slowly picked the lock to his cell door
"Let's just say these bandits are the least of my problems" Violet replied
In no time Noctis picked the lock and the doors to his cell opened, he was once again a free cat...well almost. Noctis pulled down a lever on the wall of the jail room which opened everyone else's cell, freeing everyone that was in the cell room.
"The doors are open!?" One of the prisoners said confused but happy at the same time
"Yes, I Noctis the black cat, have freed all of you! And now that the bandits are sleeping, right now is the best time for us to make our escape or attack back!" Noctis shouted as he faced all the prisoners with a grin on his face
The prisoners looked at each other still a little confused but after realizing that they were free they shrugged and with a loud battle cry they rioted through the entire fortress.
"Why free all of them?" Violet asked as she walked up to Noctis
"Now that we're up close and personal, you're much prettier than I first thought," Noctis said looking at Violet with a flirtatious look. "Not only that but your breast are perfect," Noctis added on looking at Violet's braless breast, as he rubbed his chin
"Don't even try it cat...now answer my question why did you free everyone else, it just makes getting out of here messy" Violet replied as she crossed her arms and looked directly at the black cat in front of her
"Okay relax" Noctis replied as he took a step back "I did it to use them as a distraction so I can do what I came here to do before leaving...plus does it really matter? Your free now so get going"
"Hmmm, well I'm sticking with you until we get out of this fortress since that was our deal" Violet replied
"Well then, let's get going," Noctis said before running off in search of the artifact he came looking for.
Violet followed Noctis through the riot and chaos that was happening. Some prisoners were attacking the bandits and others were wasting no time in escaping.
"You see there is so much chaos going on, that the bandits won't even notice us," Noctis said as he ran upstairs higher into the fortress
Violet stayed quiet and just followed behind Noctis. Soon Noctis and Violet were stopped by a thick gate, which led to Noctis destination. Noctis tried opening the door but it wouldn't open, the door was locked.
"Well, what now cat?" Violet asked as she looked behind her to check if any bandit were heading their way
"No need to worry I came prepared for this very moment" Noctis replied as he pulled out two black hair clips from his hair and unfolded them so that he could use it as a lock pick
"The hell! If you had a clip this whole time, then why did you ask for my bra" Violet asked with frustration
"Well these clips break once you have used them, so that's why I didn't use em earlier," Noctis said as he started to pick the lock
"You damn thief now I'm walking around with no bra," Violet said gritting her teeth at Noctis
"You make that sound like a bad thing...got it, its opened," Noctis said as the clip snapped
Noctis pushed the door open and as soon as he did an alarm went off that echoed throughout the entire fortress.
"Well shit, that's not good...I wasn't told about this" Noctis said as he looked around
"Of course this isn't good, let's hurry before bandits come our way!" Violet said a little panicked
Noctis ran into the room with Violet following behind. As soon as Noctis entered the room he was met with the artifact he came here for, which was an ocean blue orb, placed carefully on an altar. The orb was fairly large, big enough to filll up one hand. Noctis quickly grabbed the orb from the altar and placed it into a small bag.
"Okay ma'am, let me escort you out," Noctis said looking a Violet with a smirk
"You're too kind, now let's go!" Violet replied in sarcasm
Before Noctis and Violet could make their way downstairs a group of six bandits all carrying swords, stood in front of them, blocking the exit of the room they were in.
"hold on to this for me," Noctis said as he handed Violet the small bag containing the orb
Violet grabbed the orb and stood there while Noctis got ready for combat. The bandits slowly approached Noctis with their swords held tight in their hands, one after the other they charged at Noctis. With Noctis's quick cat reflexes and speed, he was able to dance around the bandits and deliver quick and swift attacks at the bandits. After a few minutes, Noctis had taken out all six bandits with little to no effort.
"Color me impressed, I didn't pick you for a fighter," Alice said with an impressed expression
"Yeh maybe after all this crap we should go on a date, and I'll show you what else I can do," Noctis said in a flirty tone as he looked directly into Alice's eyes
"You're some kind of womanizer aren't you?" Violet replied as she walked past him, heading downstairs
"Hey I was blessed with good looks, so I might as well use it" Noctis replied with a chuckle as he also headed downstairs
Noctis and Violet quickly make it to the end of the stairs and quickly stop as they couldn't proceed any further, due to being blocked by a bunch of bandits, more than twenty of them all carrying weapons. All the bandits seem to not care about the other prisoners as they were all leaving and the bandits were not stopping them. The orb that Noctis stole must be of great importance.
"Don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but looks like our way out has been blocked by angry bandits" Violet said as she slowly took a few steps back
"Well...ah hey there guys...I suppose you wouldn't just let us through…?" Noctis asked with a nervous chuckle
"That orb you thieves have is of great importance, so we will be taking it off your dead corpse!" One of the bandits said in an angry tone, as he tightened the grip on his blade
"what now cat?...are you going to fight them all?" Violet asked as she looked at Noctis
"If I fought all of them with no weapon, especially on an empty stomach. Even I would probably lose or sustain serious injuries" Noctis replied as he slowly took a few steps back. The bandits started to move towards them, all with the intent to kill
"Do something Noctis, I can't die now...not yet" Violet said in a distressed tone
Noctis looked at Violet and saw that she looked uneasy and her face was filled with sorrow and regret, Noctis then looked back at the bandits with a nervous look. "Here goes nothing"
Noctis grabbed Violet's hand and started to run back upstairs, dragging Violet along behind him. The group of bandits chased after them, all with their weapons raised in their hands. Noctis and Violet soon reach into the room, back where the orb was, Noctis closed the door behind him and pushed a bookshelf in front of it.
"W-what are you doing?" Violet asked with a confused look
"I promised I'd get both of us out of here, didn't I?" Noctis said with a smile, to reassure Violets safety
"But..the only way out is downsta-" before Violet could finish her sentence Noctis grabbed her hand and continued to drag her upstairs
Soon both Noctis and Violet arrived at the very top of the fortress, where they were now facing a big river that laid beneath the hill that the fortress was built on. Noctis walked over to the edge of the fortress and looked down at the river, then took a deep breath and made his way back to Violet.
"Okay Violet, I need for you to put your trust in me one more time," Noctis asked with a regrettable look on his face
"The look on your face says I shouldn't...what are you planning cat?..." Violet asked with a worried look
Soon a loud bang could be heard downstairs back in the fortress, it seems like the bandits have knocked down the door. Noctis grabbed both of Violet's hands and looked her in the eyes "look we don't have time...so I just need you to trust me one more time" Noctis says as he looked at Violet with a reckless smile on his face.
Violet hesitated a little bit, but when she heard the bandits running upstairs closing in on them. She nodded her head and in a nervous tone she said "I trust you"
One after the other, the bandits made their way on top of the fortress and wasted no time in charging at both Noctis and Violet. "Alright, Violet hold on tight to that orb!" Noctis quickly says as he picked up Violet in a bridal position. The sudden action makes Violet blush a little, but as she realizes Noctis running towards the edge of the fortress. She grabbed tight onto Noctis and closed her eyes.
Noctis reaches the edge of the fortress and without a hint of hesitation, he leaps off of the fortress and down towards the water. Both Violet and Noctis let out a loud scream as they fall towards the water. They soon fall straight into the water sinking to the bottom like a heavy rock. Noctis quickly swims up to the surface of the water with Violet in his arms.
We actu...actually survived...maybe I do have some good luck on me" Noctis said with coughs in between his sentence
"....i-I'm still alive!" Violet said with relief as she looked around, but her expression quickly changed to a worried and frightened look. "Look over there cat!...we're close to a waterfall!" Violet shouts as she points at the waterfall that was pulling them in
"God damn it, I jinxed it," Noctis thought to himself
Noctis and Violet quickly started swimming towards land, as the current pulled them towards the waterfall. They finally reach land and Noctis helps Violet out of the water and safely onto land, but as Violet was about to help Noctis out of the water, a huge piece of log came rushing towards Noctis and took him away before he could safely make it onto land. The log pushed Noctis away from land and towards the waterfall.
Noctis reaches the edge of the waterfall, with no hopes of getting out of the situation he simply shouts "Stupid Rotten Luck!!!". Noctis falls down the waterfall going for a rollercoaster ride, before finally plummeting into the river below the waterfall.
The Cat and The Vampire
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2020
- Messages
- 977
- Points
- 133
That's a big no from me.
Inconsistent verb tense. Sloppy sentences with grammatical mistakes. Did not like the characters (I mean, read the first thing he says back to yourself. Not only do people not talk like that . . . what they are saying is just embarrassing. Nothing about the situation seems to have any internal logic or feels like it would happen.
And then yeah. This basically just feels like it was written by a thirteen-year-old pervert.
KingMusa
Well-known member
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2020
- Messages
- 95
- Points
- 58
Thank you for the feedback good sir!
Can you give me a feedback on another story of mine? Thank you!
Keep in mind I have yet to properly edit this one! It's also my first time using sound effects!
April 4th x738 E6
Maple City -2pm
As usual, it was a sunny day in Metro City, everyone was going on about their business, keeping the city moving like a rotating wheel, the city was as busy as ever filled with a mixture of noises, from its civilians, traffic, and many wild/domestic animal, it was as if the city was speaking itself. In a quieter area of the city, a boy by the name of Ren Arks is making his way towards an abandoned warehouse.
Ren Arks is a 20-year-old human, with spiky black bed hair, at first glance you would think he has never brushed his hair in a year now, but he would say otherwise. Ren has deep brown eyes filled with laziness and defiance. Ren has tanned olive skin that makes his hair and eye stand out.
Ren reached the entrance of the warehouse, and slowly opened it, only to be met with more than twenty delinquents all carrying some sort of weapon. Upon seeing the situation he was in, Ren let out a sigh before closing the door behind him and placed his hands in his pockets as he scanned the warehouse looking at all the delinquents.
"I knew coming here would be a drag…." Ren complained to himself. "Why was I asked here?"
From within the crowd of lawbreakers, a big swole man walked up to the front of the crowd, and next to him was a smaller man who had a black eye on his left eye.
"Are you the little punk that gave my little brother this bruise!?" The sole man asked in a stern voice
"Yes, that's me Ren Arks, at your service" Ren replied in a smug tone "Do you need me to give him another black eye?"
The swole dude clenched both of his fists in anger and frustration. "Do you think this is some kinda joke!". The dude then reached into his pocket and pulled out two gold knuckle dusters and equipped them onto his hands
"The only joke here is, a grown man like you is running around playing gangsta with your pathetic friends" Ren replied "jeez most of you look to be in your late twenties….instead of causing unnecessary trouble, why don't you get a job and stop being bums," Ren said out loud. Ren then looked at the guy who had a black eye "And you...you walk around acting tough bullying the innocents but can't handle yourself when someone fights back...pathetic"
All the delinquents started shouting in anger and waving their weapons, "who do you think you are!", "do you want to fucking die!" "We will teach you to mess with us!" "We will make sure you wake up in a hospital bed!". Those were the type of things they were shouting, but not one of them phased Ren.
Out of everyone the swole dude at the front was the one who was angry the most "SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!" He shouted, and immediately everyone stopped shouting, he then started cracking his knuckles "I hope you understand that you have sealed your own fate of being beaten black and blue and left unconscious! I'll make sure you never talk shit again"
"I could have gotten an extra thirty minute of sleep but noooo, my dumbass had to come here and have my time wasted," Ren said to himself annoyed. "Well look at you acting all tough! Fate isn't going to save you and your friends from this ass whooping, I'm about to hand out to each of you" Ren grinned as he removed his hand from his pocket
Two guys holding metal bats charged at Ren with anger in their eyes. The first guy swung his bat downwards aiming for Rens's head, but with little to no effort at all Ren caught the bat with one hand. Then with a grin Ren applied some pressure to his grip and crushed the bat, before the first guy could react Ren powerhouse kicked him straight in the stomach, sending him flying and crashing into the crowd of delinquents. This inhumane display of strength made the second guy flinch in fear hesitating to continue any further, which was unfortunate, as Ren plunged his fist into his face, knocking him out cold.
"You see...I told you...he was a monster!" The guy with the black eye whimpered
Seeing a glimpse of Ren's raw strength put the others on edge. "What's wrong? You can all attack me together if you like" Ren said as he cracked his neck "You weaklings are going to need the handicap" Ren grinned
"Kill that son of bitch!!" The swole guy shouted with anger
And with that command, all the delinquents charged at Ren at full speed. Ren Arks is a lazy guy so most underestimate him since his hardly motivated to do anything, but fighting is one of the things that excites him, especially if the odds are against him since he himself is a delinquent but since he has a job he puts himself above other delinquents who don't have a job.
A few minutes had passed and Ren had taken out all of the delinquents, the only ones left were the swole man and the man with the black eye.
In a terrified voice, the man with a black eye mumbled "n-no way….this can't be possible...h-his a monster"
The swole delinquent clenched his fist as tight as he could and in a fit of rage and humiliation, charged at Ren "You son of a bitch!" With all his might, the delinquent threw a straight jab towards Ren. The delinquent's fist passed straight through Rens face as if he just hit the air. "The hell!"
"That's called an after image" Ren said as he appeared behind the bulky delinquent, with his fist recoiled back to his waist. As soon as the delinquent turned around, Ren launched his fist straight into the delinquent's face, breaking his jaw, nose and sending him flying into a wall knocking him out unconscious.
"Oh shit, oh shit, this isn't good," the guy of the black eye said trembling in fear
"Now it's your turn" Ren grinned as he approached the black-eyed guy, but before Ren could reach him, the black-eyed guy passed out in fear
And with that, Ren emerged victoriously, he was the last one standing with all the delinquents laying on the ground unconscious, Ren himself wasn't injured at all, a group like this is no match for him, he wouldn't even consider it a warm-up.
Ren grabbed one of the delinquents phones and called an ambulance "hey there is an emergency, I happen to stumble upon a few…..roughians who seem to be unconscious at the abandoned warehouse behind Maple plaza. Bring like, 1..2..3..4...umm just bring as many ambulances as you can" Ren explained before hanging up the phone, not give the person on the receiving end of the line enough time to reply
"The only reason I came here was that I was expecting a good fight….but I guess I was expecting too much" Ren sighed. At the corner of Ren's eye, he saw the time on one of the delinquents' watches and his eyes widened a little bit, as he was running late for his job. "Fuck I'm late for work!"
Ren quickly ran out of the warehouse and into Maple Plaza where his workplace was located. Ren finally arrived at his worksite, which was a small restaurant called "Big Bites".
"You're late again Ren!" A tall said as she walked past Ren, holding two plates of food on her way to serve a customer
"Yeh I know I know, I had some pest to take care of" Ren quickly replied
Ren made his way into the restaurant's locker room and got changed into his work uniform, but before he could leave, another man with a smug look on his face walked into the locker room and took a seat on one of the locker room benches.
"Why is your face like that?...." Ren asked looking at the man that just walked in
The man then chuckled and looked up at Ren "Well if you insist on knowing, I just scored big time with an older woman...and I have a date coming up with her"
"Jeez Lay, what is it with you and older women?...sometimes your obsession with them creeps me out," Ren said with a crept out look
"What is there not to be obsessed about? Older Women are much more mature then the girls our age and they know how to handle themselves….not to mention their body is also mature" Lay replied with a perverted smile
"Ugh, your just a pervert" Ren said as he placed his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave the locker room, but just before he could open the door Lay replied saying
"I'm the pervert? That's funny coming from a guy that has a fetish for feet"
Hearing this made Ren squeeze the doorknob with enough pressure to break it completely, a vain then popped upon his head and he clenched both of his fists. In a stern voice, he continued to say "What the hell did you say!?"
Lay stood up holding his ground, looking directly at Ren "I said, you have a fetish for feet" Lay replied egging Ren on
Ren turned around and grabbed Lay by his collar, greeting his teeth in anger "Don't ever lump me in with those weirdos!" Ren said in an exaggerated angry voice. "I'm a man with taste and class, I'm a man of culture, people with my kind of fetish stand above every other fetish in existence…" before Ren could go on any further with his monologue, Lay interrupted by saying
"Stop blabbering and get to the damn point!"
"Thighs god damn it THIGHS!" Ren blurted out "I have a fetish for Thighs….no not a fetish, Thighs are a way of living they are the gates to heaven!"
Ren Arks the only thing he loves more than fighting, is female Thighs, especially thick chunky and well-shaped thighs. Thighs can motivate Ren to do anything, Thighs are one of his only weaknesses.
Lay is a 21year old male human, with messy brown hair that hangs past his eyebrows. He has green eyes that sparkle in the sunlight like a shiny emerald. Lay is a very handsome person that is loved by almost every girl he comes across, but unfortunately, he is only into older women preferably women with an age gap of four years and older. Lay has an olive skin colour with a laid back and cool personality.
As the two boys bickered over which fetish was superior, a short girl with short pink hair walked out of the girls change room and into the locker room, with her work uniform on.
"Can you two just agree to disagree?" the pink-haired women said standing in front of both the boys
Both the boys stopped their intense dispute and focused their attention on the girl standing in front of them, their face filled with disgust as they gazed down at the short girl standing before them
Ren crossed his arms and kissed his teeth before saying "Shut up Maze….Your thighs are too skinny to have a say"
Lay also crossed his arms and kissed his teeth before saying "Yeh shut up Maze….you're too young to be in this conversation"
Maze is a 19-year-old human, with short and shaggy pink hair. She has dark blue eyes, filled with hidden darkness, She stands at 5 foot 4 inches and has the body of a child.
"You're both so mean!... I was just trying to help" Maze whined
Before anyone else could say anything a loud bang was heard from the door and followed by it was the tall women from early, shouting "You guys, hurry your asses up!"
"Yes ma'am!" Both Ren and Lay responded at the exact same time, with obedience
The tall woman is known as Rachel and she is the owner of Big Bites. Rachel has long flowing orange hair that got lighter at the bottom, with midnight purple eyes that really stand out. Rachel is in her mid-thirties with a very well defined and curvy body figure, she has a light brown skin complexity that compliments her flowing orange hair. Rachel is considered a goddess in the eyes of both Ren and Lay, as she is both mature and has thick and well-shaped thighs, Ren and Lay are both willing to blindly follow her to the ends of the earth if they have to.
Both Ren and Lay quickly got changed and got to work. Maze was at customer service with a couple of other workers, while Ren was in the back cooking with other workers, and Lay went around serving the customers their food. The day went by fast and soon it was night, and Ren was left to close the shop down since he arrived late. Ren packed everything up then closed and locked up the store, before leaving.
"It's finally home time," Ren said to himself as he looked up at the night sky
Ren walked down an empty street with only a few cars that would drive past every now and then, the city was no longer talking but it wasn't dead silent either, all that could be heard was night creatures and distant vehicles.
In the distant night sky, high above Ren, hidden above the clouds, two, red unearthly beings flew across the sky, with their bat-like wings. These beings are demons from the Chaos Realm or known by mortals, as Hell. The first demon was extremely tall and slender and the other one was short, with the body proportion of a small child. Both the demons were dark red, with black goat-like horns growing out of their forehead, with bright yellow eyes and had hooves for feet.
"So this is the mortal real... let's go feast on some mortals!" The tall demon said
"No, we are here to strictly look for Ragna" The short demon replied
"It might take a while finding Ragna, let's just eat one or two mortals and get back to searching" The tall demon complained as he slowed down
Knowing that his partner wouldn't continue with the search unless he had his fill, the short demon slowed down and looked for nearby mortals. Looking down below they spotted Ren walking alone in an empty park.
"Found a human!" The talk demon grinned bearing all his sharp fangs
"Alright make it quick" The tall demon sighed
The tall demon raised his right hand in the air, and from his right palm, a long bright red, jagged spear formed in his hand, brimming with chaos energy.
*zzshuuuuum*!
The jagged spear pierced through the sky at high speed towards Ren. The spear was aimed for the back of Ren's head, just before the spear could make contact with Ren's head, Ren bent down to tie his shoelace, the spear just missing his head
"That was a close one, I could have tripped over my shoelace and fell down," Ren said as he tied his shoelace tightly.
*boooom*!
Ren then stood back up and saw a big crater in front of him, at the centre of the crater was the jagged spear.
"Huh? What the hell is that?" Ren asked as he looked at the jagged spear...and what's with the huge crater?" Ren continued to ask questions as he looked at the crater "maybe some sort of construction is happening, whatever must better get home before I fall asleep out here"
"How the hell did you miss!" The short demon said to his partner
"He just got lucky, I won't miss again!" The tall demon replied
*zzshuuuum*!
Another spear come soaring down towards Ren's head, but it missed again when Ren changed his direction to go grab a drink at a nearby drinking fountain
*Boooom*
Once again the spear impaled the ground causing a crater to form around it. Ren finished drinking and once he looked up, he was once again met by a jagged spear
"The hell is going on," Ren said confused, but once again decided to ignore it and continue walking
"Are you going to call that luck again?" The short demon said in a smug ton
The tall demon gritted his teeth starting to get angry "no that was just a fluke, I won't miss this time!"
*zzshuuuum*!
A third spear raced down towards Ren, but this time the spear was simply off the mark, missing him by several meters
*Booom*!
The jagged spear plunged into the ground several meters in front Ren, immediately creating a crater.
"Alright this is just getting annoying," Ren said as he scratched the back of his head
"Okay this is just sad to watch," The small demon said looking at all the spears
In a fit of anger and frustration, the tall demon put both of his hands together before slowly pulling them apart, creating an even bigger, longer and more destructive jagged spear "I'll just destroy him alongside with the damn park!"
*Zzshuuuuuuuuuuummm*!
The fourth spear rocketed downwards with insane speed, generating insane force. The spear came only a few inches away from striking Ren, just before it could hit him, Ren spun around and caught the jagged spear with his left hand, using absolutely no effort.
This feat of his completely stunned and surprised the two demons, they could not believe their eyes, a mere human caught an attack that would kill a mere human with just the slightest touch
"How the hell did he catch that!!" The tall demon said in shock
"That should be impossible…."
*ZZSHUUUUUUUUUUUMMMP*!!
The jagged spear, that Ren had caught, came zipping through the sky and shooting itself directly through the chest of the tall demon, creating a gaping hole. Seeing his partner in such a situation, especially a situation caused by a human, the short demon was completely speechless and frozen
"Are you ready to face me head-on, instead of trying to sneak attack me!" Ren said out loud as he looked up into the night sky
*Thuddd*!
The tall demon crashed into the ground causing a huge smoke explosion, the smaller demon flew down next to his fallen partner and looked at his lifeless body on the floor before looking up at Ren
"You are definitely an interesting human," The short demon said
"I tried avoiding you guys three times, by dodging your spears but it seems like you really just want an ass whooping," Ren said as he cracked his knuckles
"A normal human would be terrified at the sight of a demon, but you seem to be relaxed," The short demon said in an intrigued ton "Making you despair in fear before eating you should be fun"
The short demon's entire body started to glow, as it grew bigger and bigger dwarfing Ren, the once short demon was now ten-foot-tall with bulging muscles, and his limbs covered in a hard shell.
"This should be fun," Ren said with a grin
The demon charged at Ren, approaching him like a tank. Ren stood his ground, taking up a strong and sturdy fighting stance, carrying a smirk on his face, he knew he would enjoy this fight way more than the fight he had with the delinquents in the warehouse.
*CLASH*!
Both Ren and the demon's fist collided against each other creating a small shock wave to be sent throughout the park. The fact that Rens first did not break upon impact, surprised the demon.
"You keep surprising me human"
"Here is another surprise!"
Ren torqued his body putting more power into his fist, which caused the demon to be sent flying a few hundred meters back, before crashing into the grand. The demon slowly stood up in disbelief, that a small human just sent him flying. The demon looked at his hand that collided with Rens, his eyes instantly opened to as wide as they possibly could and his mouth fell slack.
"Th-this is….I-i-impossible! There is no fucking way!!" The demon shouted in anger and confusion
The thick shell that covered the arm of the demon was completely shattered into millions of pieces and on top of that, his arm was broken. "What did you do to my arm, you MONSTER!!"
"Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black" Ren replied with a smirk "That attack right there is called, Fist of the Black Bull"
*spluuurch*!
A long dark red blade stabbed into Ren's stomach.
Can you give me a feedback on another story of mine? Thank you!
Keep in mind I have yet to properly edit this one! It's also my first time using sound effects!
April 4th x738 E6
Maple City -2pm
As usual, it was a sunny day in Metro City, everyone was going on about their business, keeping the city moving like a rotating wheel, the city was as busy as ever filled with a mixture of noises, from its civilians, traffic, and many wild/domestic animal, it was as if the city was speaking itself. In a quieter area of the city, a boy by the name of Ren Arks is making his way towards an abandoned warehouse.
Ren Arks is a 20-year-old human, with spiky black bed hair, at first glance you would think he has never brushed his hair in a year now, but he would say otherwise. Ren has deep brown eyes filled with laziness and defiance. Ren has tanned olive skin that makes his hair and eye stand out.
Ren reached the entrance of the warehouse, and slowly opened it, only to be met with more than twenty delinquents all carrying some sort of weapon. Upon seeing the situation he was in, Ren let out a sigh before closing the door behind him and placed his hands in his pockets as he scanned the warehouse looking at all the delinquents.
"I knew coming here would be a drag…." Ren complained to himself. "Why was I asked here?"
From within the crowd of lawbreakers, a big swole man walked up to the front of the crowd, and next to him was a smaller man who had a black eye on his left eye.
"Are you the little punk that gave my little brother this bruise!?" The sole man asked in a stern voice
"Yes, that's me Ren Arks, at your service" Ren replied in a smug tone "Do you need me to give him another black eye?"
The swole dude clenched both of his fists in anger and frustration. "Do you think this is some kinda joke!". The dude then reached into his pocket and pulled out two gold knuckle dusters and equipped them onto his hands
"The only joke here is, a grown man like you is running around playing gangsta with your pathetic friends" Ren replied "jeez most of you look to be in your late twenties….instead of causing unnecessary trouble, why don't you get a job and stop being bums," Ren said out loud. Ren then looked at the guy who had a black eye "And you...you walk around acting tough bullying the innocents but can't handle yourself when someone fights back...pathetic"
All the delinquents started shouting in anger and waving their weapons, "who do you think you are!", "do you want to fucking die!" "We will teach you to mess with us!" "We will make sure you wake up in a hospital bed!". Those were the type of things they were shouting, but not one of them phased Ren.
Out of everyone the swole dude at the front was the one who was angry the most "SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!" He shouted, and immediately everyone stopped shouting, he then started cracking his knuckles "I hope you understand that you have sealed your own fate of being beaten black and blue and left unconscious! I'll make sure you never talk shit again"
"I could have gotten an extra thirty minute of sleep but noooo, my dumbass had to come here and have my time wasted," Ren said to himself annoyed. "Well look at you acting all tough! Fate isn't going to save you and your friends from this ass whooping, I'm about to hand out to each of you" Ren grinned as he removed his hand from his pocket
Two guys holding metal bats charged at Ren with anger in their eyes. The first guy swung his bat downwards aiming for Rens's head, but with little to no effort at all Ren caught the bat with one hand. Then with a grin Ren applied some pressure to his grip and crushed the bat, before the first guy could react Ren powerhouse kicked him straight in the stomach, sending him flying and crashing into the crowd of delinquents. This inhumane display of strength made the second guy flinch in fear hesitating to continue any further, which was unfortunate, as Ren plunged his fist into his face, knocking him out cold.
"You see...I told you...he was a monster!" The guy with the black eye whimpered
Seeing a glimpse of Ren's raw strength put the others on edge. "What's wrong? You can all attack me together if you like" Ren said as he cracked his neck "You weaklings are going to need the handicap" Ren grinned
"Kill that son of bitch!!" The swole guy shouted with anger
And with that command, all the delinquents charged at Ren at full speed. Ren Arks is a lazy guy so most underestimate him since his hardly motivated to do anything, but fighting is one of the things that excites him, especially if the odds are against him since he himself is a delinquent but since he has a job he puts himself above other delinquents who don't have a job.
A few minutes had passed and Ren had taken out all of the delinquents, the only ones left were the swole man and the man with the black eye.
In a terrified voice, the man with a black eye mumbled "n-no way….this can't be possible...h-his a monster"
The swole delinquent clenched his fist as tight as he could and in a fit of rage and humiliation, charged at Ren "You son of a bitch!" With all his might, the delinquent threw a straight jab towards Ren. The delinquent's fist passed straight through Rens face as if he just hit the air. "The hell!"
"That's called an after image" Ren said as he appeared behind the bulky delinquent, with his fist recoiled back to his waist. As soon as the delinquent turned around, Ren launched his fist straight into the delinquent's face, breaking his jaw, nose and sending him flying into a wall knocking him out unconscious.
"Oh shit, oh shit, this isn't good," the guy of the black eye said trembling in fear
"Now it's your turn" Ren grinned as he approached the black-eyed guy, but before Ren could reach him, the black-eyed guy passed out in fear
And with that, Ren emerged victoriously, he was the last one standing with all the delinquents laying on the ground unconscious, Ren himself wasn't injured at all, a group like this is no match for him, he wouldn't even consider it a warm-up.
Ren grabbed one of the delinquents phones and called an ambulance "hey there is an emergency, I happen to stumble upon a few…..roughians who seem to be unconscious at the abandoned warehouse behind Maple plaza. Bring like, 1..2..3..4...umm just bring as many ambulances as you can" Ren explained before hanging up the phone, not give the person on the receiving end of the line enough time to reply
"The only reason I came here was that I was expecting a good fight….but I guess I was expecting too much" Ren sighed. At the corner of Ren's eye, he saw the time on one of the delinquents' watches and his eyes widened a little bit, as he was running late for his job. "Fuck I'm late for work!"
Ren quickly ran out of the warehouse and into Maple Plaza where his workplace was located. Ren finally arrived at his worksite, which was a small restaurant called "Big Bites".
"You're late again Ren!" A tall said as she walked past Ren, holding two plates of food on her way to serve a customer
"Yeh I know I know, I had some pest to take care of" Ren quickly replied
Ren made his way into the restaurant's locker room and got changed into his work uniform, but before he could leave, another man with a smug look on his face walked into the locker room and took a seat on one of the locker room benches.
"Why is your face like that?...." Ren asked looking at the man that just walked in
The man then chuckled and looked up at Ren "Well if you insist on knowing, I just scored big time with an older woman...and I have a date coming up with her"
"Jeez Lay, what is it with you and older women?...sometimes your obsession with them creeps me out," Ren said with a crept out look
"What is there not to be obsessed about? Older Women are much more mature then the girls our age and they know how to handle themselves….not to mention their body is also mature" Lay replied with a perverted smile
"Ugh, your just a pervert" Ren said as he placed his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave the locker room, but just before he could open the door Lay replied saying
"I'm the pervert? That's funny coming from a guy that has a fetish for feet"
Hearing this made Ren squeeze the doorknob with enough pressure to break it completely, a vain then popped upon his head and he clenched both of his fists. In a stern voice, he continued to say "What the hell did you say!?"
Lay stood up holding his ground, looking directly at Ren "I said, you have a fetish for feet" Lay replied egging Ren on
Ren turned around and grabbed Lay by his collar, greeting his teeth in anger "Don't ever lump me in with those weirdos!" Ren said in an exaggerated angry voice. "I'm a man with taste and class, I'm a man of culture, people with my kind of fetish stand above every other fetish in existence…" before Ren could go on any further with his monologue, Lay interrupted by saying
"Stop blabbering and get to the damn point!"
"Thighs god damn it THIGHS!" Ren blurted out "I have a fetish for Thighs….no not a fetish, Thighs are a way of living they are the gates to heaven!"
Ren Arks the only thing he loves more than fighting, is female Thighs, especially thick chunky and well-shaped thighs. Thighs can motivate Ren to do anything, Thighs are one of his only weaknesses.
Lay is a 21year old male human, with messy brown hair that hangs past his eyebrows. He has green eyes that sparkle in the sunlight like a shiny emerald. Lay is a very handsome person that is loved by almost every girl he comes across, but unfortunately, he is only into older women preferably women with an age gap of four years and older. Lay has an olive skin colour with a laid back and cool personality.
As the two boys bickered over which fetish was superior, a short girl with short pink hair walked out of the girls change room and into the locker room, with her work uniform on.
"Can you two just agree to disagree?" the pink-haired women said standing in front of both the boys
Both the boys stopped their intense dispute and focused their attention on the girl standing in front of them, their face filled with disgust as they gazed down at the short girl standing before them
Ren crossed his arms and kissed his teeth before saying "Shut up Maze….Your thighs are too skinny to have a say"
Lay also crossed his arms and kissed his teeth before saying "Yeh shut up Maze….you're too young to be in this conversation"
Maze is a 19-year-old human, with short and shaggy pink hair. She has dark blue eyes, filled with hidden darkness, She stands at 5 foot 4 inches and has the body of a child.
"You're both so mean!... I was just trying to help" Maze whined
Before anyone else could say anything a loud bang was heard from the door and followed by it was the tall women from early, shouting "You guys, hurry your asses up!"
"Yes ma'am!" Both Ren and Lay responded at the exact same time, with obedience
The tall woman is known as Rachel and she is the owner of Big Bites. Rachel has long flowing orange hair that got lighter at the bottom, with midnight purple eyes that really stand out. Rachel is in her mid-thirties with a very well defined and curvy body figure, she has a light brown skin complexity that compliments her flowing orange hair. Rachel is considered a goddess in the eyes of both Ren and Lay, as she is both mature and has thick and well-shaped thighs, Ren and Lay are both willing to blindly follow her to the ends of the earth if they have to.
Both Ren and Lay quickly got changed and got to work. Maze was at customer service with a couple of other workers, while Ren was in the back cooking with other workers, and Lay went around serving the customers their food. The day went by fast and soon it was night, and Ren was left to close the shop down since he arrived late. Ren packed everything up then closed and locked up the store, before leaving.
"It's finally home time," Ren said to himself as he looked up at the night sky
Ren walked down an empty street with only a few cars that would drive past every now and then, the city was no longer talking but it wasn't dead silent either, all that could be heard was night creatures and distant vehicles.
In the distant night sky, high above Ren, hidden above the clouds, two, red unearthly beings flew across the sky, with their bat-like wings. These beings are demons from the Chaos Realm or known by mortals, as Hell. The first demon was extremely tall and slender and the other one was short, with the body proportion of a small child. Both the demons were dark red, with black goat-like horns growing out of their forehead, with bright yellow eyes and had hooves for feet.
"So this is the mortal real... let's go feast on some mortals!" The tall demon said
"No, we are here to strictly look for Ragna" The short demon replied
"It might take a while finding Ragna, let's just eat one or two mortals and get back to searching" The tall demon complained as he slowed down
Knowing that his partner wouldn't continue with the search unless he had his fill, the short demon slowed down and looked for nearby mortals. Looking down below they spotted Ren walking alone in an empty park.
"Found a human!" The talk demon grinned bearing all his sharp fangs
"Alright make it quick" The tall demon sighed
The tall demon raised his right hand in the air, and from his right palm, a long bright red, jagged spear formed in his hand, brimming with chaos energy.
*zzshuuuuum*!
The jagged spear pierced through the sky at high speed towards Ren. The spear was aimed for the back of Ren's head, just before the spear could make contact with Ren's head, Ren bent down to tie his shoelace, the spear just missing his head
"That was a close one, I could have tripped over my shoelace and fell down," Ren said as he tied his shoelace tightly.
*boooom*!
Ren then stood back up and saw a big crater in front of him, at the centre of the crater was the jagged spear.
"Huh? What the hell is that?" Ren asked as he looked at the jagged spear...and what's with the huge crater?" Ren continued to ask questions as he looked at the crater "maybe some sort of construction is happening, whatever must better get home before I fall asleep out here"
"How the hell did you miss!" The short demon said to his partner
"He just got lucky, I won't miss again!" The tall demon replied
*zzshuuuum*!
Another spear come soaring down towards Ren's head, but it missed again when Ren changed his direction to go grab a drink at a nearby drinking fountain
*Boooom*
Once again the spear impaled the ground causing a crater to form around it. Ren finished drinking and once he looked up, he was once again met by a jagged spear
"The hell is going on," Ren said confused, but once again decided to ignore it and continue walking
"Are you going to call that luck again?" The short demon said in a smug ton
The tall demon gritted his teeth starting to get angry "no that was just a fluke, I won't miss this time!"
*zzshuuuum*!
A third spear raced down towards Ren, but this time the spear was simply off the mark, missing him by several meters
*Booom*!
The jagged spear plunged into the ground several meters in front Ren, immediately creating a crater.
"Alright this is just getting annoying," Ren said as he scratched the back of his head
"Okay this is just sad to watch," The small demon said looking at all the spears
In a fit of anger and frustration, the tall demon put both of his hands together before slowly pulling them apart, creating an even bigger, longer and more destructive jagged spear "I'll just destroy him alongside with the damn park!"
*Zzshuuuuuuuuuuummm*!
The fourth spear rocketed downwards with insane speed, generating insane force. The spear came only a few inches away from striking Ren, just before it could hit him, Ren spun around and caught the jagged spear with his left hand, using absolutely no effort.
This feat of his completely stunned and surprised the two demons, they could not believe their eyes, a mere human caught an attack that would kill a mere human with just the slightest touch
"How the hell did he catch that!!" The tall demon said in shock
"That should be impossible…."
*ZZSHUUUUUUUUUUUMMMP*!!
The jagged spear, that Ren had caught, came zipping through the sky and shooting itself directly through the chest of the tall demon, creating a gaping hole. Seeing his partner in such a situation, especially a situation caused by a human, the short demon was completely speechless and frozen
"Are you ready to face me head-on, instead of trying to sneak attack me!" Ren said out loud as he looked up into the night sky
*Thuddd*!
The tall demon crashed into the ground causing a huge smoke explosion, the smaller demon flew down next to his fallen partner and looked at his lifeless body on the floor before looking up at Ren
"You are definitely an interesting human," The short demon said
"I tried avoiding you guys three times, by dodging your spears but it seems like you really just want an ass whooping," Ren said as he cracked his knuckles
"A normal human would be terrified at the sight of a demon, but you seem to be relaxed," The short demon said in an intrigued ton "Making you despair in fear before eating you should be fun"
The short demon's entire body started to glow, as it grew bigger and bigger dwarfing Ren, the once short demon was now ten-foot-tall with bulging muscles, and his limbs covered in a hard shell.
"This should be fun," Ren said with a grin
The demon charged at Ren, approaching him like a tank. Ren stood his ground, taking up a strong and sturdy fighting stance, carrying a smirk on his face, he knew he would enjoy this fight way more than the fight he had with the delinquents in the warehouse.
*CLASH*!
Both Ren and the demon's fist collided against each other creating a small shock wave to be sent throughout the park. The fact that Rens first did not break upon impact, surprised the demon.
"You keep surprising me human"
"Here is another surprise!"
Ren torqued his body putting more power into his fist, which caused the demon to be sent flying a few hundred meters back, before crashing into the grand. The demon slowly stood up in disbelief, that a small human just sent him flying. The demon looked at his hand that collided with Rens, his eyes instantly opened to as wide as they possibly could and his mouth fell slack.
"Th-this is….I-i-impossible! There is no fucking way!!" The demon shouted in anger and confusion
The thick shell that covered the arm of the demon was completely shattered into millions of pieces and on top of that, his arm was broken. "What did you do to my arm, you MONSTER!!"
"Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black" Ren replied with a smirk "That attack right there is called, Fist of the Black Bull"
*spluuurch*!
A long dark red blade stabbed into Ren's stomach.
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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It's similar to the last one. The writing is sloppy but better, which I found surprising. You have issues with your fundamentals but its a big step up from the first work you posted. Once again, I have issue with the main character. He's a pretty one dimensional look at what a small child would think is cool. There's nothing to like. Nothing to relate to. No flaws to endear. And honestly, what you think is cool or badass just comes across immature. I actively dislike the MC.
Let's see. What else. Weird sex stuff again. That all is technically comedy which is 100% subjective, but this didn't work for me and once again felt super immature.
And then story was a step down. Your first piece had a story. This was just a loose collection of things that happened. So much so that what I assume you intended as a cliffhanger doesn't even feel that way. When there's no connection between point A, B, and C, there is no reason to think C and D are any more connected. Just a thing that happens.
Women is plural.
Woman is singular.
Let's see. What else. Weird sex stuff again. That all is technically comedy which is 100% subjective, but this didn't work for me and once again felt super immature.
And then story was a step down. Your first piece had a story. This was just a loose collection of things that happened. So much so that what I assume you intended as a cliffhanger doesn't even feel that way. When there's no connection between point A, B, and C, there is no reason to think C and D are any more connected. Just a thing that happens.
Women is plural.
Woman is singular.
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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No from me, but there's quite a bit to talk about here.Hello! There's this user known as @Leti who referred me to this site, I want to know some feedbacks or criticisms about this first chapter of mine. No hard feelings would be taken, so give it your all!
So you're prose is pretty rough but there are attempts at style that I think work pretty well. Where this becomes problematic to talk about is that the weaker writing makes it feel this was all translated from a different language and you just happened to get lucky when picking certain words out. The last section of the work is unreadable. I was completely lost at what you were going for even if I got the gist of the section.
Story wise, it's something I've seen many times before in this thread alone. And once again, I have a bit of a split because while I do think the execution and ideas present are weak on the whole, you have some areas that I really liked. You establish the entire overarching conflict and purpose of the story right out of the gate and with pretty clear rules. That is both different and interesting. It's the rest I have a problem with.
So like I said, this is a thing that's been done to death. In the better stories I've read, the writer will take the time to explain how the character dies and moves over. They will establish backstory and personality. Establish personal conflict outside of the greater story. None of that is here. It's a very bland presentation of a very over used idea, and I think even within that zone of story telling, a lot of ideas just don't work for me. You promise right out of the gate that the MC is infinitely powerful. That isn't exciting. I know there's no adversity and no point. Not to mention, the one thing you could potential do with that (the too strong for his own good), you throw that out by talking about a limiter. The stakes couldn't be lower. Also, the meta elements are really annoying to me. People do it frequently and I don't get it. No one uses to add anything to the story or create commentary for the genre of portal fantasy on the whole.
And finally the characters. This was the worst aspect to me. The god/goddess character was. . . okay? I really have no strong opinions one way or another and I feel like the biggest issue with them was just the authorial use of voice. I actively disliked the MC though. He's an asshole. He's smug. He's demanding. Why am I supposed to relate or root for him? In fact, he's such an asshole I'm genuinely confused why the god character is dealing with him at all. I felt that the way his character was written wasn't just annoying, it actively prevented me from believing the narrative.
And I'll just end by once again focuses on the later parts of the story because there is a pretty steep drop in quality as you go through. Why is there random Japanese? Why do you suddenly start using stage play or screen play tags instead of just using the "x," he said/ she said like the rest of the manuscript? What does (x4) mean? Why do you say reincarnate when he explicitly seems to still be alive in other worlds and is free to come back; wasn't that the purpose of making the time dilation deal?" C-section is ultra anachronistic.
Also what was with the set up with dragons? That has nothing to do with the rest. There is no pay off.
But yeah, I think I'll just stop here. This is probably too much as is.
Sylverius
Old name: Sylphias
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Hmm, I get your point. The criticism is actually really good, and I'll thank you for criticizing it.
First off, is the characters. Yep, the MC's an asshole. But that's the important part. I want the MC to develop his personality over the course of the story. It's understandable you're pissed on him, and that's okay. He's demanding? Smug? Yep, he's an opportunistic type of person. At least, that's what I planned for him. As I mentioned, I want to develop his own personality, shape it as time goes on.
Yes, that mysterious god/goddess is supposed to not be likable, but also not someone to be hated.
The authorial voice... Yeah, I'm still working on that.
The random Japanese, that's just for 'his' name. That's an asspull, forgive me for that. But, the random Japanese word, the "CHOTTO MATTE KUDESAI!!!" part, I wanted to use that as foreshadowing, like he knows not just English, but also Japanese. Note: they use a different language, also, everything will be explained.
The stage play/screen play, I'm sorry, I don't understand to what you're referring to. I apologize, I'm a bit slow to take up things.
The (4x) thing, that's just to signify the people that are available to help them. I placed in that part for people to understand who's talking and etc. Same goes for the ( ) thing.
C-section, yeah that's also an asspull, sorry.
The dragons will come into play at a later part of the story.
If you're disappointed at the story, it's okay. It's just a hobby of mine since this quarantine, but since you gave me feedback, I also thank you for that. I apologize for the confusions and all, but since you said those things, I'm glad (and I hope) I got to explain it all.
Edit: I forgot about the time dilation and reincarnation deal. Basically, in his world, he disappeared out of thin air as he's coming back home. The reason why he requested for the time dilation was so that if he is free to come back, he can. The reincarnation thing, in the future, I'll create another series which is basically the side-story. This will show what will happen AFTER the main series, and explain that in full detail. Sorry about that, but thank you, at least I managed to clear that confusion, which hopefully I did.
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TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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One thing I'd like to clarify on is the asshole MC thing. It's a normal idea and it can be done well. The difference between it being done well and being done poorly is the execution. You can have an asshole we relate to, understand, or can root for just by virtue of the circumstances. Good stories have been done before without this, but if you're able to create an effective character at the start before they change, why not.
Sylverius
Old name: Sylphias
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I'll keep that in mind. Thank you for pointing out the problems of my story.
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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I think you almost came close to what I was talking about in that one moment where he basically threatens to quit if he doesn't get what he wants. Like, that on its face sounds dickish but in context its both somewhat clever and bold.
furnace
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Could you please give me some feedback?
www.scribblehub.com
Living as an adventurer after being transmigrated, I will travel around the world
Dropped novel.
Ununique
Messiah of Alternate Accounts.
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- Chapter 1: The white room. | Scribble Hub
I too would like some wisdom sir.
xX_Dave_Xx
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