Free First Chapter Feedback

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LucasWhorley

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Hey! If you're still doing feedback, I would appreciate it!


Thank you!
 

FlyingPirateCat

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I see, thank you for your opinion.

There was no complicated reason for my writing style. At that time I wanted to bloat the word count for adventum contest,
and then it ended up that way.
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Can you give me feedback on my first chapter?

Title- Game of Delusions

First chapter
Would not keep reading.

The execution is very floaty. I don't want to firmly say that it's disconnected, but there's almost a dream like logic sometimes. We start out with the character sleeping, and then there's a monster (that was pretty cool), and then it kills him, and then there are three people, and then he's following the three people. And then he's in a room with other people?

Do you see what I mean? Does one lead into the other? Is he still dreaming. Was what happened in his dream? I can't make heads or tales of any kind of logic here. Everything that is in the q/a is bit more sensible, but that disconnect with the actual story telling outside of dialogue does not give me high hopes for the story.

Establishment. You need to establish.
Hey! If you're still doing feedback, I would appreciate it!


Thank you!
Would not keep reading.

So I liked what you started with, a lot. And the influences are obvious, but the Cowboy Beebop, space western thing is pretty cool. And I liked all that, and you had me in the first half. Normally when I sit down to do these, they are a chore, but I was just happy to read.

But then. And of course there's a but then. You reach a point with your characters where it just breaks down. You establish the 1st person MC to be this cool and collected, been there done that type and you have the bounty hunter to be this incompetent newbie, maybe in over his head. That was good, but then it just swaps.

All the sudden, the MC is the one nervous and out of his depth, and the bumbling bounty hunter is the one on the high ground. I don't understand. I had to reread a bit because I thought you swapped the POV. Everything you do with the characterization there on out was what I'll call: a weird choice.

Dialogue is a bit expositiony. The characters are a little one sided. I don't know. It's weird. I think the expectations and promises you set up aren't the right ones. And if it's going to be bumbling but competent bounty hunter vs. kid, you need to set that up different too. I don't know.
 
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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Hmm... might not be your thing, but try me! :blob_melt:
The Gate of Shadows
Would not keep reading.

My take here is really all in the execution. There's a lot of weird little choices and prose elements that don't sit well with me.

For example, you start with this two paragraph flash forward, but it doesn't really tell us anything. It's really vague. And then you jump back in time only for the narrator to tell us that the point we dropped back to STILL isn't far enough so they start talking about what happened a few weeks ago.

You'll establish something, cut away to talk about something else, and then be forced to reestablish because you assume we've been away long enough that the audience forgot.

And then the character elements also didn't jive. Like, look at the very beginning. The MC is talking about why she first noticed her romantic interest, and it's because. . . he was with friends and went into a game shop??? Why does that draw her attention? Does she like games? What's going on inside her head that that's significant?

And really it's just generally stuff like that. Story wise and structure wise, I think it's a very workable story
 

KoyukiMegumi

Kitty
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Jun 11, 2021
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Would not keep reading.

My take here is really all in the execution. There's a lot of weird little choices and prose elements that don't sit well with me.

For example, you start with this two paragraph flash forward, but it doesn't really tell us anything. It's really vague. And then you jump back in time only for the narrator to tell us that the point we dropped back to STILL isn't far enough so they start talking about what happened a few weeks ago.

You'll establish something, cut away to talk about something else, and then be forced to reestablish because you assume we've been away long enough that the audience forgot.

And then the character elements also didn't jive. Like, look at the very beginning. The MC is talking about why she first noticed her romantic interest, and it's because. . . he was with friends and went into a game shop??? Why does that draw her attention? Does she like games? What's going on inside her head that that's significant?

And really it's just generally stuff like that. Story wise and structure wise, I think it's a very workable story
Well, at least plot-wise it is decent. Maybe I will get better at the execution the more I write. :blob_aww: Thank you for your feedback, though I do not know how to fix those issues at the moment.:sweating_profusely:

Edit:
Oh! I see what you meant in 'For example, you start with this two paragraph flash forward, but it doesn't really tell us anything. It's really vague. And then you jump back in time only for the narrator to tell us that the point we dropped back to STILL isn't far enough so they start talking about what happened a few weeks ago. And then the character elements also didn't jive. Like, look at the very beginning. The MC is talking about why she first noticed her romantic interest, and it's because. . . he was with friends and went into a game shop??? Why does that draw her attention? Does she like games? What's going on inside her head that that's significant?'
I did not notice I forgot to write stuff/repeated myself.

Thank you! I think I fixed it. Wouldn't have noticed unless someone told me. So thank you again! :blob_happy: Other parts... well, hopefully.:blob_melt:
 
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TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Hmmm there was a post here I was to be getting to, but it's not here no more.
 

BenJepheneT

Light Up Gold - Parquet Courts
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I was going to push his nose in his first chapter so hard.
Man's really dodged a bullet there

 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Hey, if you're still doing it, I would appreciate it for this ^_^

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Would not keep reading.

It's quite nicely written in terms of prose. One mistake I noticed, but oddly literary for this type of thing. Where my issues come in is what happens. The first half is just vague teen angst and even if you dress it up nicely (one metaphor I quite liked) that doesn't mean it has depth or has been elevated. Especially if we're starting out with suicide, that's a really strong jumping off point (heh) and you can do some amazing character work with that. Establish some punchy back story. Really make us feel for the guy.

And then the second half was vague. Like I get that you're telling it from the MC's perspective, but that really held it back since we don't know anything.

The only thing story wise that really worked for me is his designation of the Sun King as the end. That's actually interesting, kind of fund, and there's a lot you could do with that.

It's probably one of the more well written things I've given a no to.
 

JM_Webb

Paladin "Enthusiast"
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I triple dog dare you to read it! Although I am all out of dogs so all I have is a fiction link!

 

Azraji

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Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Would not keep reading.

It's quite nicely written in terms of prose. One mistake I noticed, but oddly literary for this type of thing. Where my issues come in is what happens. The first half is just vague teen angst and even if you dress it up nicely (one metaphor I quite liked) that doesn't mean it has depth or has been elevated. Especially if we're starting out with suicide, that's a really strong jumping off point (heh) and you can do some amazing character work with that. Establish some punchy back story. Really make us feel for the guy.

And then the second half was vague. Like I get that you're telling it from the MC's perspective, but that really held it back since we don't know anything.

The only thing story wise that really worked for me is his designation of the Sun King as the end. That's actually interesting, kind of fund, and there's a lot you could do with that.

It's probably one of the more well written things I've given a no to.
Thank you so much! I completely understand where you're coming from, and 100% get why you wouldn't want to read on. I appreciate the compliments on my writing style and I will ensure I focus on fixing more of the conceptual stuff (IE elevating it from teen angst to something more impactful). I really appreciate your advice!
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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I triple dog dare you to read it! Although I am all out of dogs so all I have is a fiction link!

Would keep reading.

Very well done prose and well written. It's the kind of work that you'd have to judge more on the professional side more so than a site like this. In that regard, I still think the writing is highly competent. You've got some fantasy stuff naturally layered in. None of it was jarring, which was nice, but I can't say I loved any of what we saw. I don't have a sense for the world or how much of anything works.

Past all that, on the story telling and characters. I think you nailed the village group quite well with a lot of different voices.

The story was a little thin. I get what you're doing, Name of the Wind, story within a story deal, and that's cool, but the set up was almost lacking (once again, judging it on that higher level). Like, I have a list of questions. What is a paladin? What does he do? Why does the village need him to do it? And then, if this is all your entire set up for the real story, there almost needs to be hinging more on it. We have the town meeting, they consider throwing her out, but then everything past that is unrelated. So effectually, she's just telling a story for the story's sake. It isn't tied directly to winning their approval, or quelling an angry mob.

And then on one final note, what I believe was a mistake. You mention early that town gossip said she could be a necromancer, but it was completely unsubstantiated. But towards the end, you just up and call her a necromancer with the narrative voice. I can't imagine you meant to convey information that way.
 

JM_Webb

Paladin "Enthusiast"
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Jul 3, 2021
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Would keep reading.

Very well done prose and well written. It's the kind of work that you'd have to judge more on the professional side more so than a site like this. In that regard, I still think the writing is highly competent. You've got some fantasy stuff naturally layered in. None of it was jarring, which was nice, but I can't say I loved any of what we saw. I don't have a sense for the world or how much of anything works.

Past all that, on the story telling and characters. I think you nailed the village group quite well with a lot of different voices.

The story was a little thin. I get what you're doing, Name of the Wind, story within a story deal, and that's cool, but the set up was almost lacking (once again, judging it on that higher level). Like, I have a list of questions. What is a paladin? What does he do? Why does the village need him to do it? And then, if this is all your entire set up for the real story, there almost needs to be hinging more on it. We have the town meeting, they consider throwing her out, but then everything past that is unrelated. So effectually, she's just telling a story for the story's sake. It isn't tied directly to winning their approval, or quelling an angry mob.

And then on one final note, what I believe was a mistake. You mention early that town gossip said she could be a necromancer, but it was completely unsubstantiated. But towards the end, you just up and call her a necromancer with the narrative voice. I can't imagine you meant to convey information that way.

Thanks for the compliments on the prose and the feedback on certain things. I definitely plan on revising this chapter if I ever publish it. I was uncertain how much people would pick up on me hinting at her being a necromancer while I also tried to show that the town was confused as to whether she is or is not. I thought the the in-world speculation about having the symbols tattooed on her would be enough, but on a re-read I think I may need to make it more explicit that these symbols would almost always correlate to her being a necromancer, and just does not line up with the other stories of necromancy the villagers had heard. Perhaps changing the line "or she used to be a necromancer" into "or she used to be a necromancer, for they knew paladin's did not wed evil. Or at least they hoped they did not"

I also need to make it more apparent that she is a necromancer, and that Saints and gods only call upon paladins.


I do agree that I could make the central tension more obvious, in retrospect. It started out as a short story, and there's definitely a great and ancient foe I need to extrapolate upon and hint at more in the first chapter to establish the stakes better. Maybe a prologue?
 

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Thanks for the compliments on the prose and the feedback on certain things. I definitely plan on revising this chapter if I ever publish it. I was uncertain how much people would pick up on me hinting at her being a necromancer while I also tried to show that the town was confused as to whether she is or is not. I thought the the in-world speculation about having the symbols tattooed on her would be enough, but on a re-read I think I may need to make it more explicit that these symbols would almost always correlate to her being a necromancer, and just does not line up with the other stories of necromancy the villagers had heard. Perhaps changing the line "or she used to be a necromancer" into "or she used to be a necromancer, for they knew paladin's did not wed evil. Or at least they hoped they did not"

I also need to make it more apparent that she is a necromancer, and that Saints and gods only call upon paladins.


I do agree that I could make the central tension more obvious, in retrospect. It started out as a short story, and there's definitely a great and ancient foe I need to extrapolate upon and hint at more in the first chapter to establish the stakes better. Maybe a prologue?
In terms of that last paragraph, I had an idea like five minutes later. Why not just have the lady at the town hall who supported her be the one who asks about the back story? She can approach her and ask her story like she's worried, and obviously there'd be more layers to it than that. And then she tells the whole story to the town like before.
 

JM_Webb

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In terms of that last paragraph, I had an idea like five minutes later. Why not just have the lady at the town hall who supported her be the one who asks about the back story? She can approach her and ask her story like she's worried, and obviously there'd be more layers to it than that. And then she tells the whole story to the town like before.
That's another idea too. That probably makes more sense tbh. Put it in my notes for revisions when the dang thing is done.
 
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