Feedback + suggestions (Closed)

Zirrboy

Fueled by anger
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I've been rather hesitant about asking for this since I didn't think my story was eligible for a review. The style vastly changes as it progresses, and almost everything is hastily thrown together. It's a jumbled mess. I think the characters are the only thing that remained somewhat consistent (though that's only true after the first few chapters).
What I'm most interested in is the current writing style, pacing, etc. I've got some decent feedback a while back, and it greatly helped - but recently there was either praise or nothing. However, I think there are still some major underlying issues lingering which could not be fixed with a simple edit. So, if you ever have the time, I'd appreciate looking into this.

You started writing erotica, what do you expect?

What Are You Going For?​

You deal with slavery, adventuring, discrimination, and romance, all of which in an at times heavy, at times light-hearted manner.
I'm not telling you to pick some and drop the others, the opposite really. None of the topics are mutually exclusive yet, but oscillating between "underpowered hell mode" and "problems solve themselves" isn't the best idea in the long run imo. Thus I strongly suggest you pick one, at least per topic.
Just as an example, you could continue the village building in the same light-hearted fashion it has now, while the outside world goes on a downward spiral with conflict over his products and/or whatever hero vs demon conflict you come up with.

What Is He Going For?​

The MC is revealed not to have any goals, but shortly after, he gets freed of Val's seal... and goes to do about the same he did during the early adventuring phases: Gadget crafting and material acquisition.
Now don't get me wrong, as far as consistency is concerned, returning to known patterns after loss of purpose makes a lot of sense, but if done without tangible goal for too long, readers won't be able to get invested in what he does.

He was a tinkerer for the majority of the novel, balancing his disadvantages with ingenuity and preparation. Due to that and a driven Valeriana as the ultimate decision maker, his passivity wasn't much of an issue. The goal of regaining his freedom didn't benefit from rush after all.
Now he has a crutch for his crippling mana reserves and more or less unchallenged authority among the inhabitants of the village. The large scale conflicts that he originally planned to stay away from didn't sound too willing to let him either recently.

Possible Directions​

If developing the village should be a significant part of the story, you'd need to spend time on the people living there. The children for example have completely gone into the background.

For combat, take care not to make him too strong before the first relevant challenge even begins. Being completely underpowered while facing enemies that can follow him anywhere - even attacking his home - would be difficult of course, but lately things have been going too easy for him in that regard, which opens your doors for power creep.

Random Notes​

You use scene separators a bit too sparingly for me. One sentence he strikes a deal with the merchant, the next he closes in on the inn without any visual highlight of the transition.

Most of his inventions are reasonable to not have been made by others without knowledge of the references used, but with the level of understanding the Mage Guildmaster displays about the working of mana potions and the intuitive nature of inscriptions, this one becomes somewhat of a stretch, at least with current information.

For how irrational she is at that point, Valeriana seems quite willing to let him decide things even from the start.


And that's about all I have to say. You're doing a lot better than you seem to think you do, so with those few issues out of the way, I'll be eager to see how far you can go!
 
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You started writing erotica, what do you expect?
I was a foolish young lad. Though, it did get me a whole bunch of readers early on, and probably a few lower ratings since they weren't too happy about getting baited.

And that's about all I have to say. You're doing a lot better than you seem to think you do, so with those few issues out of the way, I'll be eager to see how far you can go!
Well, I expected something far more drastic than this. Most of the issues you mentioned are things that should have been addressed, but weren't, especially the MC's goals. The rest are me being a little too excited and rushing with the story.
Thank you. This puts a lot of things into prospective. I'll be slowing down a bit, and patching up the missing parts and mistakes from the choppy start.

Also,
Just as an example, you could continue the village building in the same light-hearted fashion it has now, while the outside world goes on a downward spiral with conflict over his products and/or whatever hero vs demon conflict you come up with.
You hit the nail on the head.
 

Zirrboy

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I was a foolish young lad. Though, it did get me a whole bunch of readers early on, and probably a few lower ratings since they weren't too happy about getting baited.
You baited, said you'd not do it and suddenly went all out later. But hey, unlike mine, porn isn't the only thing going for your story.

You hit the nail on the head.
In that case his aim should be to keep them separate, perhaps clean up the information leaks.
The villagers definitely need more to them in that case, though.
Give them some sort of goal of their own and show benefits they bring him.
The children have the most untapped potential in this regard.

Well, I expected something far more drastic than this. Most of the issues you mentioned are things that should have been addressed, but weren't, especially the MC's goals. The rest are me being a little too excited and rushing with the story.
Thank you. This puts a lot of things into prospective. I'll be slowing down a bit, and patching up the missing parts and mistakes from the choppy start.
Maybe I missed something, you never know. But for me at least it was enjoyable.
 
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You baited, said you'd not do it and suddenly went all out later. But hey, unlike mine, porn isn't the only thing going for your story.

You have no idea how much different the story was going to be. It'd have been about 80% smut 20% manipulation. I might still do the original version once I'm more comfortable with smut.

Also, if you're talking about Dual Cultivation in Another World, you're not being fair. I enjoyed most of the story quite a bit, and not for the sex.

In that case his aim should be to keep them separate, perhaps clean up the information leaks.
The villagers definitely need more to them in that case, though.
Give them some sort of goal of their own and show benefits they bring him.
The children have the most untapped potential in this regard.
Yup. I'm planning a couple of 3rd person chapters to flesh out the villagers.

Maybe I missed something, you never know. But for me at least it was enjoyable.
This is good enough already. Thank you again, I'm glad it wasn't a chore.
 

Zirrboy

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I'd be glad if you could go through my novel once. I've already written this novel once before...but it had too many plot holes, that I decided to scrap that and rewrite it again. Looking forward to your reply :blob_evil::blob_evil::blob_evil:.

Could you tell me what you're looking for?
My own impressions, pointing out possible weaknesses or suggestions on overall story flow?
 

Artique

Active member
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Oct 12, 2020
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Could you tell me what you're looking for?
My own impressions, pointing out possible weaknesses or suggestions on overall story flow?
I'd say impressions and possible weaknesses are what I want...If there are any problems, I might not able to fix them...but I at least know of them
 

Hathnuz

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Just that. Post if you're interested. I'm bored and unwilling to do anything else.

General​

  • At the unreasonably high rate of "do-I-want-to"/word (ie for free)
  • My feedback is aimed towards pointing out flaws. I'll try to keep advice, criticism and praise (strengths that you can focus on) balanced, but that not being the case does not necessarily reflect my opinion of overall quality
  • No guarantee regarding quality or speed
  • Feel free to ask again if you have further questions

Restrictions​

  • No word limit as of yet. I'll read as far as I feel I need to.
  • No content restrictions either, but I might ignore your work at my own discretion (I'm fine with most everything and asking is always free)
  • No monetized works. I can't check for yet unpublished works ofc, so I'll trust in your fairness. (Artwork, bonus/advance chapters. Tips without benefits are excluded)

Optional Request Stuff​

  • Mention whether you want a DM response
  • If you tell me you main concerns, I can get them done faster and more in depth
  • Put additional info into spoiler tags so I can give unbiased reading feedback and adjust suggestions in the final stage
  • I offer up to five chapters worth of line edits (may differ depending on length). Reviews take priority, though, and you are welcome to inform me about your lack of interest regarding this service beforehand

Schedule​

Total: 17/21
Current: Artique
Could you review mine please? I wonder what are the strengths and flaws in my story. Thanks in advance.
 

Bartun

Friendly Saurian Neighbor
Joined
Dec 9, 2020
Messages
632
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133
Just that. Post if you're interested. I'm bored and unwilling to do anything else.

General​

  • At the unreasonably high rate of "do-I-want-to"/word (ie for free)
  • My feedback is aimed towards pointing out flaws. I'll try to keep advice, criticism and praise (strengths that you can focus on) balanced, but that not being the case does not necessarily reflect my opinion of overall quality
  • No guarantee regarding quality or speed
  • Feel free to ask again if you have further questions

Restrictions​

  • No word limit as of yet. I'll read as far as I feel I need to.
  • No content restrictions either, but I might ignore your work at my own discretion (I'm fine with most everything and asking is always free)
  • No monetized works. I can't check for yet unpublished works ofc, so I'll trust in your fairness. (Artwork, bonus/advance chapters. Tips without benefits are excluded)

Optional Request Stuff​

  • Mention whether you want a DM response
  • If you tell me you main concerns, I can get them done faster and more in depth
  • Put additional info into spoiler tags so I can give unbiased reading feedback and adjust suggestions in the final stage
  • I offer up to five chapters worth of line edits (may differ depending on length). Reviews take priority, though, and you are welcome to inform me about your lack of interest regarding this service beforehand

Schedule​

Total: 17/21
Current: Artique
Hi! I would love it if you could take a look at my story! I want to improve but I've been struggling with feedback since very few people seem to read past the first chapters. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I've been told that I need to change some aspects of the story, but it would be nice to have a second opinion if that's ok.

 

ElijahRyne

Not that Lazy…
Joined
Aug 12, 2021
Messages
898
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133
Could you review mine please?

My current worries are that my pacing is to wonky, my sentence feel awkward(not just grammar but, also my syntax), and I think I may be info dumping. All these, and my lack of interaction and readers…


Link to story:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/335126/under-the-tower/

Issues that I have had before and think I have mostly fixed.
1. I believe that I no longer have any glaring grammar issues. Occasionally I do mix up my tenses.
2. I space out lines better, no longer continuous walls of text.
3. No longer have cardboard characters.
4. My dialogue is no longer interrupted by long stretches of thoughts and text. 5. Little to no plot holes


I appreciate any and all criticism. I do not know my strengths, but I do think I know my weaknesses. Nevertheless, if there is anything I missed, please, do not hold back.
 
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Zirrboy

Fueled by anger
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I'd say impressions and possible weaknesses are what I want...If there are any problems, I might not able to fix them...but I at least know of them
Your forte seems to be emotional writing, while I lean towards being a semantic reader. So don't take me being more critical as your fault necessarily. I sometimes will simply be unable to appreciate the things you excel at.

Impressions and Weaknesses​

As mentioned above, I am not your target audience, so take the following as personal feedback. I won't put this here only to tell you to disregard it, but as long as you can keep your readers entertained with the emotional revenge plot you built your story around, there's no need to fret too much.

The first chapter was way too long for my tastes. You first have him alone with his mother, then the emperor comes in, then the larger family, then everyone except the two leaves, every step with extensive talking. To which there are essentially two aspects.
  • Reminiscence about their past is perfectly justified and seems generally well received, even if I personally would have preferred a little less individual scenes that for me felt very similar to one another.
  • MC praising. You do this consistently throughout the chapters I've read, but here it felt most out of place. To explain his greatness to the reader, you had to give them more context. But in a scenario where all parties should know something, it will always be awkward to have someone say it. Arthur himself recaps what he has done in search for a cure in detail, only to say it's not enough. Make his mother list them instead if you feel you absolutely need to mention it, but not the person trying to downplay their efforts
The immediate aftermath of her death is well done on the other hand. A magical ceremony in a fantasy world to set the theme while displaying the MC's overpoweredness to the reader in a private space at the same time.

Next up is the throne succession plot, which, for me at least, turned into the MC steamrolling the antagonists all too quickly; You let him vent before I even really had time to come to resent them. And turn the Emperor into a pushover in the process of explaining how a 10yo with no apparent backing can dance on everyone's noses.
He makes mistakes while dealing with his father following his mother's teachings too rigidly, but otherwise doesn't seem that young, nor does anyone treat him like it.

Suggestions​

Reduce dis-proportionally impressed reactions towards your main characters. If you have bystanders in awe at every step Arthur takes, it loses it's effect by the time you reach actually surprising/grand events, while using them more sparingly imo doesn't reduce the intended effect much.

I haven't read everything, so I don't know whether that has happened already, but if you haven't, think about your world, especially magic. You have the fairy tale-like depiction at the empress' funeral, lit-rpg-like individual skills and the scientific appliances that substitute real world science (at least until the MC + FL change that).
It certainly is effort, but especially since you seem to go towards more technical aspects for the modernization plans the MC has, but saves you a lot of trouble of having to explain both present (absence of projectile weapons, telepathy despite wireless magic phones, or compatibility of the aforementioned aspects) and future inconsistencies. Additionally, you could even display the MC's (or FL's) ingenuity in combining science and magic for a superior whole instead of simply copying the inventions of others.

Afterword​

Wew, this turned out to be a lot more negative than planned, and thus perhaps not all that helpful either, despite all the time it took me to do this.
So if you have questions regarding something I mentioned or want feedback about something o glossed over, feel free to ask and I will answer to the best of my ability.
 

Artique

Active member
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
13
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43
Your forte seems to be emotional writing, while I lean towards being a semantic reader. So don't take me being more critical as your fault necessarily. I sometimes will simply be unable to appreciate the things you excel at.

Impressions and Weaknesses​

As mentioned above, I am not your target audience, so take the following as personal feedback. I won't put this here only to tell you to disregard it, but as long as you can keep your readers entertained with the emotional revenge plot you built your story around, there's no need to fret too much.

The first chapter was way too long for my tastes. You first have him alone with his mother, then the emperor comes in, then the larger family, then everyone except the two leaves, every step with extensive talking. To which there are essentially two aspects.
  • Reminiscence about their past is perfectly justified and seems generally well received, even if I personally would have preferred a little less individual scenes that for me felt very similar to one another.
  • MC praising. You do this consistently throughout the chapters I've read, but here it felt most out of place. To explain his greatness to the reader, you had to give them more context. But in a scenario where all parties should know something, it will always be awkward to have someone say it. Arthur himself recaps what he has done in search for a cure in detail, only to say it's not enough. Make his mother list them instead if you feel you absolutely need to mention it, but not the person trying to downplay their efforts
The immediate aftermath of her death is well done on the other hand. A magical ceremony in a fantasy world to set the theme while displaying the MC's overpoweredness to the reader in a private space at the same time.

Next up is the throne succession plot, which, for me at least, turned into the MC steamrolling the antagonists all too quickly; You let him vent before I even really had time to come to resent them. And turn the Emperor into a pushover in the process of explaining how a 10yo with no apparent backing can dance on everyone's noses.
He makes mistakes while dealing with his father following his mother's teachings too rigidly, but otherwise doesn't seem that young, nor does anyone treat him like it.

Suggestions​

Reduce dis-proportionally impressed reactions towards your main characters. If you have bystanders in awe at every step Arthur takes, it loses it's effect by the time you reach actually surprising/grand events, while using them more sparingly imo doesn't reduce the intended effect much.

I haven't read everything, so I don't know whether that has happened already, but if you haven't, think about your world, especially magic. You have the fairy tale-like depiction at the empress' funeral, lit-rpg-like individual skills and the scientific appliances that substitute real world science (at least until the MC + FL change that).
It certainly is effort, but especially since you seem to go towards more technical aspects for the modernization plans the MC has, but saves you a lot of trouble of having to explain both present (absence of projectile weapons, telepathy despite wireless magic phones, or compatibility of the aforementioned aspects) and future inconsistencies. Additionally, you could even display the MC's (or FL's) ingenuity in combining science and magic for a superior whole instead of simply copying the inventions of others.

Afterword​

Wew, this turned out to be a lot more negative than planned, and thus perhaps not all that helpful either, despite all the time it took me to do this.
So if you have questions regarding something I mentioned or want feedback about something o glossed over, feel free to ask and I will answer to the best of my ability.
Heyyy...don't worry about it. I know what I signed up for, and I'm absolutely pleased with what you wrote. I'm thankful for the time you spent on my novel.

I can understand what you say, I have to ensure to not praise the MC at every step...should save it for an important scene/situation.

And as for the world, yes...I'm working on that, I do have quite a few ideas for it. Like you said, combining science and magic is a really viable idea. Thank you!

As for the succession scene, I feel the same way as you do. I think I should have made that part a little longer and more emotionally connected with the reader. Well, I can't change that now...I have to ensure that the same mistake does not happen in future chapters.

And I have also received few comments telling that Arthur is too rigid in following his mother's words. That is how I wanted to portray his young self, as he gets older and more experienced, he would alter/stop following his mother's words. Though I have to do this slowly... I really want to get this right.

Man, seriously...thank you for all the time you've spent on my novel. I really can't imagine myself doing this. Thank you so much
🙏
🙏
 

Zirrboy

Fueled by anger
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Messages
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And I have also received few comments telling that Arthur is too rigid in following his mother's words. That is how I wanted to portray his young self, as he gets older and more experienced, he would alter/stop following his mother's words. Though I have to do this slowly... I really want to get this right.
Then everything is as it should be. Mentioning that he makes mistakes wasn't criticism.

Not even the best education can replace the experience to make flexible decisions beyond what you're told, so a young Arthur sometimes messing up is perfectly reasonable and gives him a bit of room to grow.
 

Zirrboy

Fueled by anger
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Messages
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Well, since everyone is trying me too.

My novel is right down here. My novel deals with a bit of everything, fantasy, sci-fi, modern military things like that, so my big question is whether the way I treat all these issues seems cohesive. I know that it can be heavy at the beginning because the story starts in the middle and that it can have many concepts that can confuse the readers, so I also made a glossary as complete as possible on the key points such as characters, places, factions, and important objects.

With regard to grammar, I already know that it is a homicide to the English language, I am aware of it and I try to improve as best as possible so it is not necessary for you to review it.
After reading 21 chapters and skimmed over the latest for reference, this is what I'd have to say.

Note: I am using he/him pronouns for the protagonist since the sex change was forced on him, assuming that he did not readjust his gender to his changed sex (As this may be lost in MTL: sexual identification "I am a man" vs body "I have boobs and a vagina").

World​

As far as military and fantasy are concerned, I'd say you're fine for a general audience. For someone like me, who has little experience in either beyond what other authors made of the topics, nothing feels glaringly out of place.

The "that time in x" name dropping is out of hand, though, so if you're looking for a way to improve the earlier chapters, that'd be a decent place to start.

You yourself stated that it was confusing to readers and I am inclined to agree. It doesn't influence the immediate action much, as that is relatively grounded in the early chapters, but the entire battle against the dragons and Atlantis part of his backstory doesn't really fit in until now, despite you mentioning it enough to make it seem important. The glossary does explain a lot, but it can be a bit stuffy when looking for crucial information.
How old would the protagonist need to be to have participated in events that there is no remaining public knowledge of and one of the central locations (Atlantis) is a long forgotten ruin at present?

Characters​

Caesar/Elise for the most part matches the veteran he is supposed to be, but certain decisions seem plot-driven, like not trying to get rid of the collar at all or thoughtlessly signing a contract from someone who already fucked him over once without reading it.
His laid-back attitude regarding his sex change and family of not actively looking for a way to them can also seem off at times. He just wordlessly accepts a lot of things and focuses on what's around him (his new wife) over either.

Tamamo-no-mae initially came across as a bit of a rushed romance character, but their interaction after the marriage drastically reduced the issues I had with her. What the future will hold for her I cannot know without reading your book, but at least for now she's definitely more relevant than the "tutorial reward lover" I took her as in the beginning.
But as things stand right now, her stoic nature is even worse than the MC's and with no goals of her own to pursue, I fear that she will become like the celestial body she represents: a satellite of the MC with no involvement in any external matters.
Which, for me, would make her a bit boring tbh. But she's your character, so take this as you will.

Plot​

You say the plot starts in the middle, but I found that things actually took their sweet time to get going (some still are).
After a bit of setup in the first chapter, you have combat scenes back to back. They are not out of place and well done individually, but there's a few too many of them for how little plot impact they have.
Afterwards you change it to a sort of supernatural anime setting. No war, a gambling father who leaves him comically without funds, enslaved women being thrown at him...
Solely looking at the first 21 chapters, I think the biggest potential issue wouldn't be whether you handle the individual topics well but that that the story jumps between extremes of using them.
Just keep track regarding how much of a certain thing you've done recently (war, uncovering his past, his family or romance) and try to keep them in the balance you want them to have unless something really important happens.

Writing and Grammar​

You didn't want me to spend my time on this, so I'll try to keep it short.
As far as pronouns go, you drastically improved through feedback, but the early chapters deserve a polish in that regard in my opinion for reader retention.

Huge block paragraphs do stay, though. You broke the dialogue down to fit a visual novel style, but where would those walls of text go? Break them down. Your grammar is relatively readable, but this is the biggest issue with it. Sentences being a bit chaotic gets a lot worse if you put them into one homogeneous block.

So that'd be it. Hope I was able to help in some way.
 

RedHunter2296

Competitive Professional In Being Ignored
Joined
Nov 20, 2020
Messages
253
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103
After reading 21 chapters and skimmed over the latest for reference, this is what I'd have to say.

Note: I am using he/him pronouns for the protagonist since the sex change was forced on him, assuming that he did not readjust his gender to his changed sex (As this may be lost in MTL: sexual identification "I am a man" vs body "I have boobs and a vagina").

World​

As far as military and fantasy are concerned, I'd say you're fine for a general audience. For someone like me, who has little experience in either beyond what other authors made of the topics, nothing feels glaringly out of place.

The "that time in x" name dropping is out of hand, though, so if you're looking for a way to improve the earlier chapters, that'd be a decent place to start.

You yourself stated that it was confusing to readers and I am inclined to agree. It doesn't influence the immediate action much, as that is relatively grounded in the early chapters, but the entire battle against the dragons and Atlantis part of his backstory doesn't really fit in until now, despite you mentioning it enough to make it seem important. The glossary does explain a lot, but it can be a bit stuffy when looking for crucial information.
How old would the protagonist need to be to have participated in events that there is no remaining public knowledge of and one of the central locations (Atlantis) is a long forgotten ruin at present?

Characters​

Caesar/Elise for the most part matches the veteran he is supposed to be, but certain decisions seem plot-driven, like not trying to get rid of the collar at all or thoughtlessly signing a contract from someone who already fucked him over once without reading it.
His laid-back attitude regarding his sex change and family of not actively looking for a way to them can also seem off at times. He just wordlessly accepts a lot of things and focuses on what's around him (his new wife) over either.

Tamamo-no-mae initially came across as a bit of a rushed romance character, but their interaction after the marriage drastically reduced the issues I had with her. What the future will hold for her I cannot know without reading your book, but at least for now she's definitely more relevant than the "tutorial reward lover" I took her as in the beginning.
But as things stand right now, her stoic nature is even worse than the MC's and with no goals of her own to pursue, I fear that she will become like the celestial body she represents: a satellite of the MC with no involvement in any external matters.
Which, for me, would make her a bit boring tbh. But she's your character, so take this as you will.

Plot​

You say the plot starts in the middle, but I found that things actually took their sweet time to get going (some still are).
After a bit of setup in the first chapter, you have combat scenes back to back. They are not out of place and well done individually, but there's a few too many of them for how little plot impact they have.
Afterwards you change it to a sort of supernatural anime setting. No war, a gambling father who leaves him comically without funds, enslaved women being thrown at him...
Solely looking at the first 21 chapters, I think the biggest potential issue wouldn't be whether you handle the individual topics well but that that the story jumps between extremes of using them.
Just keep track regarding how much of a certain thing you've done recently (war, uncovering his past, his family or romance) and try to keep them in the balance you want them to have unless something really important happens.

Writing and Grammar​

You didn't want me to spend my time on this, so I'll try to keep it short.
As far as pronouns go, you drastically improved through feedback, but the early chapters deserve a polish in that regard in my opinion for reader retention.

Huge block paragraphs do stay, though. You broke the dialogue down to fit a visual novel style, but where would those walls of text go? Break them down. Your grammar is relatively readable, but this is the biggest issue with it. Sentences being a bit chaotic gets a lot worse if you put them into one homogeneous block.

So that'd be it. Hope I was able to help in some way.

Thank you very much for your analysis. Because it has helped me to see how others can see the story, and from the point of view of someone who reads it for the first time.

The World:​

Well, it's understandable that everyone thinks the same. I think my biggest problem is that I did not want to bombard readers with too much information, so I reduced it to the minimum that I could to understand what was happening immediately but that pointing out that previous events are really important and that what happened at the beginning is a consequence of them. Most of the heavy stuff is explained later in the novel, little by little. For example, a summary of the war in Atlantis is mentioned in chapter 69,

The only thing I was looking for was to save things for later in the story and not drop all the ammunition in the first chapters.So I was not sure if that is playing against me

Regarding the age of the protagonist, well it is difficult to explain that way without the context. In theory, he should be like 20 or 24 years old. But the war against the dragons lasted 10 years, in which when it ended it was returned in time to the day it started, so mentally it should be about 30 years old. In fact, I was thinking of talking about that in a specific chapter, but in one of calm or comedy, The characters debating their real age and realizing that his story does not match their age.

As for the glossary, well, it is written according to the current state of the novel as well, because if I start to write certain details that I am deliberately saving, they could kill the surprise of what I have saved. Things like how the stone of wishes works and why the protagonist does not want to use it. What was the price to pay, what happened to Nanami? These are things that I'm saving for the right time.

Atlantis is scheduled to appear multiple times in the novel, and with each appearance always bringing bad news, like Dracula's castle in Castlevania.

The Characters​


Caesar/Elise:

Well, I wanted his personality to be that of someone who has already seen so much nonsense in his life that he is already don't giving a fuck, he is only interested in being with his family in peace. As for his attitude to what happened, well, it is also explained later as always, but the idea is that this was not his first time. During the war against the dragons, he was forced to pretend to be Nanami and lead Atlantis. He himself indicates to his family, his mother, and sister, that he wants to continue as if nothing had changed and they treat him as he was original. That is why he is not actually surprised as he should. At least that's the idea, once again I don't know if that is playing against the enjoyment of the novel.


Tamamo-no-mae:

Well, the idea with this character is to be a support for the protagonist, she is mainly to help the protagonist emotionally when he runs into an emotional wall. Those moments when he really encounters something that he fears. But I didn't want her to feel like just a brainless character who only does what the plot needs. I thought that with the background of the real legend, it would be interesting to see her and the protagonist act as a team. See them having good or bad times together like despite how she behaves, the protagonist tries his best to get along with her.

A story arc has been planned for her as well, but it won't be seen until much later when it is assumed that she and the protagonist are inseparable. Perhaps to make the emperor who betrayed her appear again, bringing an internal conflict for her, about her feelings. She also thought that something tragic would happen and she would become the main enemy in a story arc near the end.But yes, I plan that she and the protagonist end up together, no matter what.

Plot:​

This point is quite curious, because although the main point of the series is undoubtedly the action. And I thought I made it quite clear. In a poll I did recently, in Chapter 77, readers have told me that what they want to see the most are the slice of life and romance aspect. And I tried to keep them balanced, although I am not going to give up the action and military aspects. I am also aware that there are times when things have to relax and enjoy life. I have a lot of funny and funny stories in store for those moments.

The story is basically divided into worlds, each one with its theme and problems. So I thought that in order not to confuse more than it already is I make them only focus on the current objective of the problem in which the characters are involved at the given moment. If something from the past is wrapped up in current events then they will mention it. But those are recurring themes that are seen in-depth as the story progresses. Later they will return to them and see things that were left unfinished in the first trip

For example the world of angels and the father of the protagonist. The first works with money to buy products that they import from the Earth and that they use as exotic objects of collection. And the father the protagonist uses these objects to take advantage of what is happening secretly to help his family. His gambling addiction problem is just an afterthought to hide why he knows so many people in the right places.


Writing and Grammar:​


Here is the truth I can not debate anything. I've tried my best but there's always something that eludes me. I thought about getting an editor to fix the first chapters, but at the moment I don't have money for that.

I put the dialogues divided into paragraphs by character, it is easier to realize when a new person is now speaking due to space. Well, there will be times when a large number of characters will talk about something and it will be chaos to keep track of the speaking turns.

Once again, thank you very much for your time reading and writing down which things caught your attention. I really appreciate your help and it has helped me to see how a reader without the knowledge of the whole background of the whole story can see it. I'll see how I can fix the start a little more and make it easier to understand.
 
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Zirrboy

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Thank you very much for your analysis. Because it has helped me to see how others can see the story, and from the point of view of someone who reads it for the first time.
I'll go over this later, sadly don't have the time right now.
 

Zirrboy

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Well, it's understandable that everyone thinks the same. I think my biggest problem is that I did not want to bombard readers with too much information, so I reduced it to the minimum that I could to understand what was happening immediately but that pointing out that previous events are really important and that what happened at the beginning is a consequence of them. Most of the heavy stuff is explained later in the novel, little by little. For example, a summary of the war in Atlantis is mentioned in chapter 69,

The only thing I was looking for was to save things for later in the story and not drop all the ammunition in the first chapters.So I was not sure if that is playing against me
The problem isn't so much that the main character has a mysterious backstory. The meeting with the angel explains most of what a I'd want to know to understand what's happening immediately. Kodex dangerous, MC's sister sick, angels heal her if he secures the Kodex.

What I think the problem is would be that the only way your characters seem to be able to express familiarity is by mentioning their common past. One or two would be perfectly fine, but you have so many of them they artificially bloat the importance of unrelated events.

As for the glossary, well, it is written according to the current state of the novel as well, because if I start to write certain details that I am deliberately saving, they could kill the surprise of what I have saved. Things like how the stone of wishes works and why the protagonist does not want to use it. What was the price to pay, what happened to Nanami? These are things that I'm saving for the right time.
The main problem isn't lack of information, but that for someone starting out, all the backstory bits are hidden among sections spoiling the plot. The entries are too long for my tastes overall and helpful for someone who picks the story up again after dropping it halfway, but not so much for explaining the world to confused new readers without spoiling a big section of the story.

Well, I wanted his personality to be that of someone who has already seen so much nonsense in his life that he is already don't giving a fuck, he is only interested in being with his family in peace. As for his attitude to what happened, well, it is also explained later as always, but the idea is that this was not his first time. During the war against the dragons, he was forced to pretend to be Nanami and lead Atlantis. He himself indicates to his family, his mother, and sister, that he wants to continue as if nothing had changed and they treat him as he was original. That is why he is not actually surprised as he should. At least that's the idea, once again I don't know if that is playing against the enjoyment of the novel.
The thing is that even about his family he seems somewhat laid back once he arrives at the hotel. It is stated that it's possible to travel between heaven districts by train and there's bound to be one with working portals, yet he is content waiting. If there is reason, not mentioning it is really working against you here.
As for the sex change: I would consider "impersonating someone who is also a woman" to be vastly different from "being permanently turned into one", but if you don't want to deal with that, it's fine. Extremely few novels here do and no one seems to mind much.

This point is quite curious, because although the main point of the series is undoubtedly the action. And I thought I made it quite clear. In a poll I did recently, in Chapter 77, readers have told me that what they want to see the most are the slice of life and romance aspect. And I tried to keep them balanced, although I am not going to give up the action and military aspects. I am also aware that there are times when things have to relax and enjoy life. I have a lot of funny and funny stories in store for those moments.
The problem isn't that you absolutely have too much action, but that they aren't plot-relevant enough for how long they are. For "Starts right in the middle", actual plot takes a rather long time to get going with all the random fights you have going on.
Make as much combat scenes as you want, but never ever include redundant ones.

Here is the truth I can not debate anything. I've tried my best but there's always something that eludes me. I thought about getting an editor to fix the first chapters, but at the moment I don't have money for that.

I put the dialogues divided into paragraphs by character, it is easier to realize when a new person is now speaking due to space. Well, there will be times when a large number of characters will talk about something and it will be chaos to keep track of the speaking turns.
This isn't about the dialogue, the opposite in fact. You have huge blocks of text, which makes the entire thing harder to read. Just split them up a bit and you've already improved a lot.

As for editors: You have a decent community with people going out of their way to point out things you could fix, so why not ask for volunteers? As far as I know, you're not making money off of it either. You won't gen a literary genius, but there are lots of people decent at English who might be willing to help you.

This thread was half made with the intention to find authors I could edit for, but I must warn you that my commitment is rather transient.



0 clue if you're still doing this, but incase you are, it's in my signature!
Uh-kay.
Two chapters are relatively little to work off of in terms of feedback, but as you're still pretty undetermined, I'll try to include as many suggestions as possible, since that's the only way I can see this being helpful.

The part before him entering the game doesn't hold much information and seems to be rushing towards the game aspect either way, so I'd suggest you shorten it. MC age and the obligatory "just like real life, but with fantasy" explanation are the only things you really need. Have him start with everything set up for example. If you want to keep it, perhaps hint at his desire to be heroic with action figures or the likes in his room?

His first time playing in turn also seems cut short. He does one quest, finds an NPC, gets knocked out and logs out. For an MMO, other players seem either absent or extremely unimportant.

According to Hathnutz, Lit-RPG readers like them tables. Use the builtin ones or upload images of your own, up to you. If you decide to do that, though, perhaps highlight relevant information (New skills or whatever), by making them bold for example.

Pronunciation hints are unnecessary imo, but a style choice you can make.

To use footnotes, move your text cursor to the point where the little number should be and press the white f3 button in the editor menu. Put your note there.
It should look something like this.
“3 to magic, 2 to strength, 2 to intelligence, and 3 to Special[modern_footnote]Basically, it increases your affinity with your class. [/modern_footnote]].”

That'd be all ig.
But if you want to go over your plans for the novel with me, do not hesitate to ask, the above is a lot less than most others got after all.
 
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