Newbie me releasing the first chapter

Ember_Blood

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Hi guys..i just released my first chapter. It's my first time writing a book..so can't tell how it is. Had to give in a lot of effort and time to create this chapter. I'll be glad if you kindly give your review. Feel free to speak. I'm all ears 😉

Here's the link:

Thanks for your time..
 

Lloyd

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You have a problem with shifting tense and you use a lot of unnecessary words that add nothing. You should edit it to fix the tense problems and keep it consistent, plus trim the fat on your sentences. Rule of thumb is keep everything short and snappy.
 

Ember_Blood

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You have a problem with shifting tense and you use a lot of unnecessary words that add nothing. You should edit it to fix the tense problems and keep it consistent, plus trim the fat on your sentences. Rule of thumb is keep everything short and snappy.
Thanks for pointing it out
 
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Lloyd

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As an example-
Hefty sounds of metals clashing against each other echoed throughout the surrounding area. Sparks flew everywhere gleaming the dark space revealing two injured figures engaging each other in a brutal fight.
I would change to-
Hefty sounds of metal clashing on metal echoed through the air. Sparks flew and gleamed light into the darkness, revealing two injured figures, engaged in brutal combat.
 

doravg

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It is just the first chapter, but it looks like an isekai set up. With swords and magic, if the sword fight and the barrier are any indications. The protagonist is calm and collected, and he gives others confidence. With a protagonist like that, you can write a good story. I pointed out some style suggestions in a comment. You are welcome to check them out.
 

Snusmumriken

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Your main issue is the lack of purpose as of now. Something that should have been addressed possibly as early as the first chapter. If not the main plot point but, at least, some immediate set of actions for what MC is trying to do/achieve/prevent. Something that would make your reader think "I wonder what he would do next, let me subscribe and wait for the next chapter."

So far in two chapters, you have done some characterisation, but your readers are unlikely to continue reading without anything for them to expect. Add an ambiguous synopsis and the lack of specific tags that some die-hard readers would follow and read no matter what, and you will have issues retaining many of these that were willing to glance at it.
 

Ember_Blood

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Your main issue is the lack of purpose as of now. Something that should have been addressed possibly as early as the first chapter. If not the main plot point but, at least, some immediate set of actions for what MC is trying to do/achieve/prevent. Something that would make your reader think "I wonder what he would do next, let me subscribe and wait for the next chapter."

So far in two chapters, you have done some characterisation, but your readers are unlikely to continue reading without anything for them to expect. Add an ambiguous synopsis and the lack of specific tags that some die-hard readers would follow and read no matter what, and you will have issues retaining many of these that were willing to glance at it.
I got your point but I fear it's gonna be tough. The story might be quite slow-paced..and in this whole volume/arc, the MC won't have any specific grand goal or that sort of thing. This volume basically will be an enlightenment spark for him..at least that's what I have in mind.

But yeah, I indeed have something in this volume. I planned to introduce it a little later but hearing you I might change my mind.
 

Snusmumriken

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I got your point but I fear it's gonna be tough. The story might be quite slow-paced..and in this whole volume/arc, the MC won't have any specific grand goal or that sort of thing. This volume basically will be an enlightenment spark for him..at least that's what I have in mind.

But yeah, I indeed have something in this volume. I planned to introduce it a little later but hearing you I might change my mind.
That is why I specified that you don't actually need to start the grand goal of the story right in the first chapter. But you want readers to have some hints of what MC is doing right now. if the MC is not active - he isn't the protagonist of the plot.

A good example of that would be a generic isekai. Often enough you don't have "defeat the BBEG" as the story opening, you have "I am in a new world. I need to survive. I need to explore the new place." these are basic intermediate tasks that give you time to set up the main goal\plot while keeping the story engaging for the reader.
 

Ember_Blood

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That is why I specified that you don't actually need to start the grand goal of the story right in the first chapter. But you want readers to have some hints of what MC is doing right now. if the MC is not active - he isn't the protagonist of the plot.

A good example of that would be a generic isekai. Often enough you don't have "defeat the BBEG" as the story opening, you have "I am in a new world. I need to survive. I need to explore the new place." these are basic intermediate tasks that give you time to set up the main goal\plot while keeping the story engaging for the reader.
Thanks.. I'll keep it in mind
 
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