Yet another free feedback thread.

SailusGebel

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I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
 

Mr.Grey-Cat

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Sure, here. and you can just write it in the thread.

 
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I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
you're copying me
 

Lloyd

Professional Writer
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Jun 2, 2020
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I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
 

Dajoe1234

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Dec 9, 2021
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You can review my story, it's a slice of life story with sex scenes. I'd like you to evaluate the plot and how it could get improved. I will start writing less smut scenes as the series goes on, only when they will serve a real purpose for the story. Even if that might piss the reader base. I'm looking to develop the actions/romance part and plot part. I've already been said that my characters aren't that deep but idk why. Give it to me in P.M.
 
D

Deleted member 57675

Guest
I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
Welcome fellow procrastinator.
+1 for honesty.

At this point we should just set up a procrastinator tavern on the forum.
 

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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Yea, baby! Give me another sweet, sweet 1-star review!
 

SailusGebel

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Sure, here. and you can just write it in the thread.

As I said before, this is an opinion of a random reader, not an author, and thus it's very subjective. Also, I've only managed to read up to chapter 1_ ch 9: A. the day of discharge. Take it into consideration when reading what I have to say.

The plot is boring. A combination of your synopsis, tags, prologue and first chapter doesn't give me enough to speculate what to expect from the story. I literally have no clue what will happen but in a bad way. It's not a kind of uncertainty where I think how the author would trick me and subvert my expectations. It's a kind of where I literally have zero ideas about what to expect. What does your MC want to do? What is her goal? I don't understand, AND I can't speculate. The synopsis probably shows some big bad she must defeat. However, after reading a bit into the story, you are left puzzled. It's just a game, and there are no stakes. Why should I care?

Characters. So far, I've seen four characters, the mc, a doctor, and two kids. Out of those four characters, we got the description of the MC, and it was barebones. How does this doctor look? How are those two kids look? It's also hard to decipher the personality of the MC. She doesn't give enough of her thoughts for me to understand her. She is a narrator, but the way she speaks is detached, with rare outbursts of a personality. She is snarky and a narcissist, but there is barely enough of her thoughts to make such a judgment. You never give a description of her facial muscle movements or her movements in general. I can't understand if she lies or not if she is being sarcastic, truthful, or whatever else. She is like a machine in a bad way.

The doctor is barely present in the story yet, while the kids were in the story for a chapter, so I can't make a judgment. I can probably say, why should I care about a doctor caring about MC? He didn't show his care or worries through mannerisms in the chapters other than an interlude. Why should I care?

I tried to focus on your story while reading, I really did, but I couldn't. So perhaps I missed something about the characters or plot. You can even dismiss my thoughts about the plot and characters. The thing you should not dismiss as it's my main gripe is the quality. I couldn't focus on the story because of the quality of your writing. Constant typos, weird punctuation, and large spacing between the paragraphs constantly made my eyes wander. There is also a problem with tenses shifting back and forth, but I'm no expert, and perhaps you fixed it in later chapters. I'm the kind of reader who cares a lot about sentences' phrasings, the way an author groups sentences into paragraphs. The way an author writes. And I dislike the way you write a lot. Apart from the non-existent descriptions, there are two points I need to mention separately.

The thing that didn't change after I looked at the last chapters. In fact, it probably got worse. Almost every paragraph is one sentence long, and there are huge spacings between the paragraphs. It tired me out while I was reading and contributed to me losing focus.

The things that probably changed are typos and weird punctuation. From a quick glance, you fixed those. Now, I don't want to give advice about your story(plotwise), but this is something objective. Do yourself a favor, use Grammarly or Google docs and revisit your old chapters. Fix typos, fix weird punctuation, and use capital letters when you start a sentence. Because your grammar might push a reader away, and it's not that hard to fix it.

Squeak. Squeak
r them to ......
What was that?
So today, in our show I am going to present you with 101 to make a giant rat barbecue.
Hhmm, not interested you say, will neither I.
“Hup. And Tada.
I succede- Caught, caught.”
“eeh, but ruu is also in Alice nee-chain's, right”
A black cloves for my hands,

“the Showtime, bitches”
“dammed ...”
“ so this is the ceiling of my own room ?
I think a patient’s bed is a good enough one for that, right ?.
“is that the new VR gear ?.

“is that the new VR gear ?.
well, sorry to disappoint you, but nope.
“good”
“fuuh. Well, that was nerves wrecking.”
“is that an anime figurine there? For real ?”
“so the second room, is a little girl’s room, while the third is possibly the parent’s room.

I didn't actually rate your story because I've read too little. But if I have to, I will give your story a rating between 1.75 and 2 stars.
You can review my story, it's a slice of life story with sex scenes. I'd like you to evaluate the plot and how it could get improved. I will start writing less smut scenes as the series goes on, only when they will serve a real purpose for the story. Even if that might piss the reader base. I'm looking to develop the actions/romance part and plot part. I've already been said that my characters aren't that deep but idk why. Give it to me in P.M.
Slowly backs away....
@Dajoe1234 @Kalebell If you two want a review, post a link! I use my phone to read this thread and novels, so I can't see signatures, nor will I search for your stories myself.
 
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SailusGebel

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Yea, baby! Give me another sweet, sweet 1-star review!
I don't understand why you want feedback. You've stated multiple times that you write for yourself, and you write a wish-fulfillment story.

Anyway, I've stopped reading after one chapter because I understand that this story isn't for me. I don't want to read about your wishes, nor do I know anything about Yu-Gi-Oh. I'm not your audience, but I can see how others might like it. It's because of your writing.

I like the way you write. The quality isn't the best, but it's really good. Descriptions are crisp, and the story moves at a fast enough pace. Dialogues are good as well, and it was overall easy to read. English is my second language, and it's important for me to understand what I read first and foremost. You nailed it, and I hope the whole story is like this.

Now, let's talk about rating. It's what you probably want to read the most. If I had to rate your story after one chapter, I would give it a 3.75, maybe even 4.1. The quality of your writing is great, but unfortunately, I've only read one chapter. It means that I won't give you any rating at all.

P.S. I won't entertain you and give you a 1-star rating.
 

Erys

Her Highness
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nor do I know anything about Yu-Gi-Oh.
The only thing you need to know about Yu-Gi-Oh is that you summon one little guy, and then your opponent plays a spell with five paragraphs of text plus footnotes and it says because you slept less than 8 hours last night he gets to summon Nutbuster Dragon or whatever and the game is over.
 

SailusGebel

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👀 you can post it here (runs away)
I'm not sure what to review here. Honestly, this doesn't feel like a web novel. It feels like a chunk from one of the chapters of a web novel. Less than a thousand words, no synopsis to get me interested, and nothing new in terms of a plot in those thousand words.

The grammar isn't good, yet the main problem is the way you write. It's very stale and doesn't feel like a diary entry. It feels more like a report from a blue-collar worker. I can't understand how old he is, why he is writing, and what personality he has.

About personality, he is socially inept, but then you say he is goofing around and joking all the time. He is scared and nervous, but then he goes, 'fuck it,' because he wants to play. Absolutely inconsistent, considering how no context of his mood swings is given.

I really don't know what to say. I feel as if I've watched a couple of scenes from a visual novel. And due to the fact that most crucial info was actually in the pictures, the text consists of the bare minimum. However, there were no pictures. Only text at the bottom of the screen popped up.

I won't even think of rating your story as I don't understand what it is. Is it a sample? Or maybe a training? Dunno. Instead of rating, as a reader, I will say that I won't continue reading your story. Why? Because there is nothing to read.
 

GetThat

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Thanks for offering feedback!
I'm new to the craft in general, but here is my story:

Edit: You can share your feedback anywhere, it doesn't matter
 
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Bartun

Friendly Saurian Neighbor
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The rudest person fits well, but I'm the rudest dinosaur here. Hope we get along! Anyway, I'm curious about what you have to say about my story, I'll leave the link below. You can reply here.

 
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