Yo, this seems fun.
If it's still going can you gut me as well?
Leaving the review here is fine,
link!
Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 4 – Prologue, End and skimming through Chapter 5.
What can I say? The characters are bad, the worldbuilding is bad, the way you write is bad, your paragraphing is bad, the grammar is bad, and the descriptions are lacking\absent. There is almost nothing to the story, and I haven't noticed any upsides.
Let me elaborate on everything step by step. I will start with the most important thing that affects everything else in one way or another. The way you write. By this, I mean how you phrase your sentence, your choice of words to use, what idioms you use, what kind of metaphors you come up with, and so on. You can also probably add the grammar to this list, mostly punctuation and your choice of tenses.
Let's further break this down. The most simple thing to mention would be your tenses. They constantly shift, and I'm not sure(I'm a shit author and blah-blah), but I think there were more than a couple of times when you used an outright wrong tense.
Punctuation. I fuck up punctuation as well, and I don't remember half of the rules. Yet even when I'm like this, I see that your sentences simply don't make any sense with the current punctuation. Let me show you a couple of examples.
From what I learned only there, could a military ship house the family of its captain. What? With the current comma, it doesn't make any sense.
The first time was a strange experience, but not unpleasant in the least since my mind doesn't care about it, as my body can't get aroused by seeing her breasts. Again, wrong punctuation makes it hard to comprehend what is written here.
Finally today while Anna was thinking about what to let me watch there was immense progress in knowing which world or universe is this, or in simple terms, I recognized a word. Same as the example above.
Your tendency to write long sentences combined with bad punctuation results in hard-to-understand sentences.
Now, something that is a bit harder to explain is your choice of words and the way you phrase your sentences. I will show you a couple of examples, but I won't mention punctuation. Instead, I will try to explain why your choice of words or your phrasing is wrong.
I prayed that day for me to not be a villain, disappointingly I didn't get a trophy. The first part of the sentence isn't connected to the second part logically. Because of this, this sentence looks weird.
There were some high-ranking looking guys visiting, the type of guys you would think say "Those measly commoners getting in the way of my plan" in some dark room. There are useless words here and wrong tenses. Also, you can cut this sentence into two. As it is right now, it looks weird and clunky.
Once I breath the translucent vapor my mind goes blank, I start to feel relaxed and internally content like the feeling of peace and serenity. You can once again split this sentence into several ones. As it is right now, it's outright incomprehensible. What does "
feel content like the feeling of peace" means? Even when you put a comma there, it is still incomprehensible.
Like how the empire was divided in dukes ruling over planets and the union had been made from the government of other planets bonding together against the empire's expansion. Divided in dukes? Maybe divided into dukedoms? But even if you change dukes into dukedoms, the way you structured\worded\phrased that sentence is still going to be wrong\weird. It's incomprehensible gibberish because, yet again, two parts of the sentence aren't connected properly.
A mistake and a typo that I noticed.
I truly need to thank
the hard work of fans in compiling a guide for that. I can't remember
your name but you live in my heart. FanS yet one name?
“You won't pilot anything
tenka-sama No capitalization of the name.
Now, let's talk about your lack of descriptions. Let me show you an example once again.
My “father” is a big, muscular man with reptile eyes in a white suit with blonde hair and beard, a scar running down his left eye. This isn't a description. This is a temporary note used in a first draft before you write an actual description and edit it. All of your descriptions are either like that or completely absent. Why does it matter? Well, it helps me, a reader, to visualize the scene, and as it's a first-person POV it helps me in understanding the character of a person whose POV is used. And what I wrote right here is only the tip of the iceberg.
The problems above also result in bad paragraphing. Your paragraphs are usually one-sentence long, which isn't that on its own. Why they are one-sentence long matters. And they are like that for all the wrong reasons. Apart from the things I mentioned above, you also like to split one scene into different paragraphs, which makes it harder to read and overall looks not as pleasant.
Another problem. From what I've seen, you don't end your chapters properly. The endings of chapters 1 and 3 are bad. They don't look like cliffhangers or an end of the chapter; it looks like you cut off a piece of the chapter. The ending of chapters 2 and 4 is a bit better, but they don't invoke a desire to learn what's going to happen. A couple of plain endings.
Worldbuilding and why it's bad. Your text is too clunky, convoluted, and sometimes completely incomprehensible. Because of that, I simply can't understand things. It's not me who should tear through gibberish and try to understand something. You should help me understand things as an author. It's not about you tricking me or making subtle foreshadowing. It's about shitty grammar. The way you implemented that worldbuilding is also bad, and I will explain why in the second section.
Characters. These are not characters; they are plot devices without any personality. They don't feel remotely believable, and it has nothing to do with your story being fiction. The amount of info I get from the text is close to nothing, which forces me to use my own logic. But it's not even the worst thing.
Useless thoughts for a one year old, but my birthday should be soon. This is the worst thing, your MC. You use a first-person POV, yet MC doesn't have any personality AT ALL. MC doesn't act like a kid, MC doesn't act his age, MC doesn't have any emotions, and MC acts like an indifferent narrator from a novel that uses a third-person POV. But here's the catch, your novel isn't third-person. There are no thoughts, no observations, he doesn't describe things he had never seen, he doesn't show any emotions, he simply exists and narrates plot and worldbuilding, in a bad way. Some stories might have emotionless narrators, or maybe you wanted to create a mystery, or something else. It doesn't matter because, in your case, it looks like a mistake.
The highlighted sentence that I copied from your text. Like, what is even the purpose of that sentence? Because MC isn't one-year-old. That one sentence contradicts almost everything you write. Like how he tried to use some kind of power and hid it. He said that it's not something a kid would do and proceeds to do it anyway. Why the hell he didn't say that it's now what a one-year-old should do?
I remember getting all achievements in a game yesterday, eating and going to sleep right after, nothing strange happened up to that point and currently I’m being held by a big man up in the air, my body seems to be the size of a baby.
In fact, I am a baby, a newborn, an infant, a grain of man, a bloody toddler, an adult fetus…
Calm down, me.
No emotions, no thoughts, no descriptions, no body movements, no sounds, nothing. He simply narrates the plot, does an exposition while being in a vacuum, then he proceeds to apparently rant and tries to calm down, all while SHOWING NO EMOTIONS. What the hell is that? God damn, why the hell does he need to calm down if his emotional spectrum is of a wooden plank?
And all of your text is like that.
I started to rush not waiting for his response and he came after me.
After a small scolding we were walking down to the central room. Why scolding? What happened? I didn't cut anything as I copied those two PARAGRAPHS from the text. Nothing, just a random scolding of someone or something over something.
I didn't think to speak, was this serious? Did I just get ejected to space by my father? What's up with that brute mass of oddly assorted meat pump and oily rugged hair. Was this a new way of playing devised by the gorillas of his kind? As his son I would like a formal notice sent around before its implementation. I literally don't understand a single thing from this paragraph. BUT when I tried, I noticed that this is apparently MC's emotions at the moment when he doesn't even know whether he is going to live or die. Can you see emotions here? Me neither.
It's like MC is always in a vacuum, he doesn't hear, he doesn't feel anything through touch, he doesn't see. All he does is tell us worldbuilding and how a game works. And all his interactions are also like that. There is a nanny-like figure? How is he going to interact with her? He won't. There will be a couple of sentences, a weird gaming session that feels like MC plays it alone in a vacuum, and that's it.
And all of the things I wrote are combined, they are mixed together. Even if you say that MC is emotionless, first of all, he cried when he lost, secondly, your story doesn't have this tag, thirdly, you failed to explain this in the text. Even if you explain why MC acts like that, it will be useless. Because everything should be in the text.
Right now, your story looks like a first draft. It's hard to comprehend, and there is almost nothing in it.
As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5 stars.