First Chapter Analysis

Story_Marc

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I would also like one if you don't mind. In His Will
Well, this was a unique one to do. I'd pass on this one personally, but my top reason would be that the premise doesn't interest me personally. That said, I give you props for writing with this in mind. Now, ignoring that, there was something I noticed reading the prose that impacted things as well. Well, I'm near positive it did, but I wanted to be transparent about my lack of interest in the premise first, so you can take that into consideration on whether or not you should ignore what I'm going to say.

When I read this, the delivery felt monotonous. I've three theories as to why for this. First, there's a lack of cadence with this. I noticed you lack sentence structure variety. You tend to rely heavily on subject-very-object alone. Also, sentence length variety might help out too.

The bigger issue is the prominent use of passive voice throughout. I'm sure that's what gives it this detached vibe when reading. In fact, I discussed this recently on one of the things with active writing and passive voice. Here's the video on it:


I can see excessive telling, which, while you can get away with it more in 1st-person, still isn't ideal if you're just telling.

Also, for more smaller things, I see things like rogue body parts. An example of that in action.

With a practiced motion, My left hand retrieved my phone and tapped the app designed to select a random bible verse.

She's choosing to do the action and we're immersed in her, so it should be this:

With a practiced motion, I retrieved my phone and tapped the app designed to select a random bible verse.

To quote a bit from where I learned this...

Body parts that move independently take the character out of the equation. When readers have trouble connecting to the characters in a story, this can sometimes be the cause because we’ve removed the characters from the central role they should be playing. From the point of view of writing in deep POV, animating body parts in this way makes it feel like we’re outside the character again. We see the body parts acting. The character doesn’t seem to have any part in it.

For example…

Her hand shot up.

It really didn’t. She chose, at least on an instinctive level, to put her hand up. Her hand did not act alone (unless she really is possessed).

Fixed: She shot her hand into the air.

One more example.

Rogue Body Part: His fist pounded on the door.

His fist does not act outside of his will. He’s the one pounding on the door. He uses his fist to do it.

Fixed: He pounded on the door.

There is an exception to this, but not important right now. That's the key thing to point out.

That said, I still absolutely encourage you to see through this vision as an actual story. Even if it isn't for me, I am so happy to see someone do something more unique! And I think the premise could work. I guess it kind of reminds me of something like Life is Strange. Which isn't for me either, but I recognize why others can enjoy it.

I might do some more of these this weekend, who knows? Truth be told, I'm kind of feeling eh on helping people right now. I've been questioning what's the point of doing all this for others lately. I know I can help people out, and I usually like to, but... I'm just feeling discouraged. And when the only thing I keep hearing for why I should do it is because it helped them with their stuff, I find it harder to care. After all, it just comes back to how I'm of service to others, not anything with regard to my own work, effort, identity, or ambitions.

I'm not abandoning anything since I do genuinely like helping where I can, I'm just... I don't know, I'm still working my emotions here out.
 

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Sorry to hear about the ennui about it all. I think you might've skipped mine, as it happens.
 

DataNerdX

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I might do some more of these this weekend, who knows? Truth be told, I'm kind of feeling eh on helping people right now. I've been questioning what's the point of doing all this for others lately. I know I can help people out, and I usually like to, but... I'm just feeling discouraged. And when the only thing I keep hearing for why I should do it is because it helped them with their stuff, I find it harder to care. After all, it just comes back to how I'm of service to others, not anything with regard to my own work, effort, identity, or ambitions.

I'm not abandoning anything since I do genuinely like helping where I can, I'm just... I don't know, I'm still working my emotions here out.
Speaking as someone whom you've helped, thank you from the bottom of my heart. But, please, only continue to do so if you want to, not because it helps us. Take care of yourself first.
 

Story_Marc

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Sorry to hear about the ennui about it all. I think you might've skipped mine, as it happens.
Apologies, these can blend in a lot at times.

I like your opening myself, though I do think it might lack an immediate hook into the core story because of how long everything goes with the description and worldbuilding. I can see the more gradual pace sabotaging with some, though I also wouldn't tell you to get rid of it as I can see it appealing to others. Still, that aside, I enjoyed worldbuilding, Deros' being a meticulous, keen observer (at least this is what I picked up) who contrasts the more straightforward & laidback Telalo, and the intrigue that seems to be going on. While I see that potential danger in chapter length and pacing (which I know from experience in doing something similar), I have to give you a thumbs up. At most, I think your opening might not be as effective with web novel crowds, but you are a good writer and worldbuilder from what I can tell so far.

@datanerd Kudos and it should be fine. Knowing me, I'll find the solution & bounce back even stronger than I was before. I go through these phases sometimes. It's just a part of life. After taking a nap, I realized I'm just feeling eh since I feel like most people care about me more as an editor or helper for their works than as a fellow creator. So I just need to find a way to solve feeling like that.
 

LowinKeshin

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No no, it's fine I like the feedback. Also for the rogue body parts, it's kind of intended because once Jane started looking into the future she doesn't move the body because she is only watching but she can still feel the touch, the movement, and everything else.

I'm not abandoning anything since I do genuinely like helping where I can, I'm just... I don't know, I'm still working my emotions here out.

Sorry to hear about your demotivation, I tried reading yours but to be honest I don't even know what feedback to give.
 

RainHarlow

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Apologies, these can blend in a lot at times.

I like your opening myself, though I do think it might lack an immediate hook into the core story because of how long everything goes with the description and worldbuilding. I can see the more gradual pace sabotaging with some, though I also wouldn't tell you to get rid of it as I can see it appealing to others. Still, that aside, I enjoyed worldbuilding, Deros' being a meticulous, keen observer (at least this is what I picked up) who contrasts the more straightforward & laidback Telalo, and the intrigue that seems to be going on. While I see that potential danger in chapter length and pacing (which I know from experience in doing something similar), I have to give you a thumbs up. At most, I think your opening might not be as effective with web novel crowds, but you are a good writer and worldbuilder from what I can tell so far.

No problem, and thanks for the feedback! I pretty much agree with you on the 'but webnovel' aspect, heh. My only experience with them was Worm until hearing about RR and I was never thinking about writing specifically to it, just writing a book series, maybe on a blog. But the beginning is like an anchorage for that sort of long haul, while starting with 'the heavens' is a deliberate, symbolic part of the equation.

Thanks for what you do all-in-all, by the way, and hope you find a little better equilibrium. I do think it has an intangible benefit. A rep, brand recognition (your name and icon), a sense and confidence — with evidence — you know what you're doing.

Have you ever started a club or something like that? Sounds like maybe you want colleagues to interact with on the same level. I did that back in the yahoo group days (and I was probably the weakest link lol), and then a smidge on some private membership forum I forget the name of. Feel like small groups are the best path for balanced interactions. But they have to be led correctly to shine.
 

Story_Marc

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No no, it's fine I like the feedback. Also for the rogue body parts, it's kind of intended because once Jane started looking into the future she doesn't move the body because she is only watching but she can still feel the touch, the movement, and everything else.



Sorry to hear about your demotivation, I tried reading yours but to be honest I don't even know what feedback to give.
Ahh, okay on that! The fact that's where the story starts makes it a bit harder to tell, but I can see how it works there. And yeah, that's a case where it can fall into the exception. I'll expand on what I could've said before then on rogue body parts when the exception comes into play.

In this case, we might want to violate this guideline if we’re writing something intentionally metaphoric or if we need to add special emphasis to the body part itself.

For example, we might have a situation where one character can’t act true to his desires. He hates what he has to do and wishes it could be different, but saying so openly would put his life in jeopardy or cause some other negative repercussion. We might write something like the following.

His eyes pled with her to forgive him.

We might also have a situation where we want to create the impression that the character is disconnected or that one part of them is in disagreement with the other part. For example, say someone has come to our viewpoint character to show her evidence that her husband is cheating on her. Some part of her will want to know the truth. Another part will want to protect the life she has because she’s happy. In that case, we might write…

I drew back in my seat, away from the offered envelope, but my hand reached for it anyway.

The important thing to remember is that these are exceptions. We’ll break the guideline occasionally for special effect. Regular use of independently moving body parts hurts our writing by disrupting deep POV, being unintentionally funny, and disconnecting readers from the characters.

But yeah, a bit more active sentences and showing instead of telling might help you out, to make such moments like that feel more intentional and the narration feel less detached. I'd also recommend giving my videos on showing & telling a look for a bit more on techniques there. They're examples where I go more into depth on some stuff that could maybe help liven up your prose. Cadence comes down to the other thing, but I haven't made that video yet. It'll be the last in the series on the Five Cs. It's my personal favorite and it'll help me lead into other things, like euphonics, punctuation, and rhetoric tools. ...I should also work on some stuff to help people with writing the description itself, but again, I'll add that to future projects.

Also, you're fine. If there's one thing I've accepted, it's that I write something niche within these platforms and my target audience likely isn't within these spaces. Plus I'm not looking for editors or critique partners, I just want to entertain my target audience and actually hear something from them. I'm just questioning if the time I spend helping others is actually helping me connect with anybody who would be interested in my work as well. If this is the best use of my time for finding my fulfillment as a creator.
No problem, and thanks for the feedback! I pretty much agree with you on the 'but webnovel' aspect, heh. My only experience with them was Worm until hearing about RR and I was never thinking about writing specifically to it, just writing a book series, maybe on a blog. But the beginning is like an anchorage for that sort of long haul, while starting with 'the heavens' is a deliberate, symbolic part of the equation.

Thanks for what you do all-in-all, by the way, and hope you find a little better equilibrium. I do think it has an intangible benefit. A rep, brand recognition (your name and icon), a sense and confidence — with evidence — you know what you're doing.

Have you ever started a club or something like that? Sounds like maybe you want colleagues to interact with on the same level. I did that back in the yahoo group days (and I was probably the weakest link lol), and then a smidge on some private membership forum I forget the name of. Feel like small groups are the best path for balanced interactions. But they have to be led correctly to shine.
Those are things I have thought about as benefits. I just wonder if it serves me as an actual creator or not since I've not seen any evidence it does. Plenty of evidence for me as a consultant, though. 🤣 That's what eats at me.

At any rate, thanks for the suggestion! I do have some long-term aspirations for creating such a community, despite my doubts it'll work. I have tried such things before, but it failed from a lack of dedication from others. And most attempts to join other groups fall flat for me since I just end up helping others or being dismissed by people who aren't interested in the depth I wish to explore.

Anyway, on that with web novel space, I can add this thing that I've learned, for your consideration:
ACTION-ORIENTED WRITING
Webfiction is all about action- they’re designed to be written fast and read faster.

Readers of webfiction aren’t looking for novels with long paragraphs and deep introspective prose. They want simple, practical and cinematic stories that they can read during a quick 10-minute bus ride to work or while on their lunch break. In fact, if they see giant blocks of text, they tend to go looking for another story because they think they won’t have time to finish it.

So, the writing style of webfiction is built around actions and descriptions of action, using short prose with a focus on dialog and few long descriptions. Filled with tight prose, punchy sparse adjectives and active verbs, it's designed to convey the story in an efficient way for a writer who has to crank out a chapter or two a day in addition to doing another job to pay the bills.

Characters speak in lots of clear, direct dialog and actions are described in straightforward and simple ways. Since dialog reads faster than exposition, webfiction writers will usually have characters express important information instead of saying it directly to the audience, using head-hopping to give different perspectives and points of view. It’s a very cinematic style of writing which is more focused on what happens than how characters feel about it.
I still am 100% for staying true to what you wish to do, though. IMO, your writing seems far more oriented to traditional publishing with fantasy audiences in mind due to its meticulous nature. It's why I wanted to acknowledge, based on what I've seen so far, you do have a good handle on what you're trying to do and I can see a target audience for it existing. Still, if you wish to adjust it, the above can explain a bit why and there is stuff I can provide that expands more on it with examples. I could even produce examples myself if I wanted. It's just a tad time-consuming for me, which is why I tend to make episodes for that stuff instead.
 

Story_Marc

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I'd like for you to share your thoughts on the first chapter of my story :>
Alright, let's do some speed running.

First up, I have a question: why is this first-person present tense? I'd just like to know the logic behind that cursed combination. Also, I'd lose this:

Any words with "< >" are not understood by Sybil and "> <" are not meant to be understood by most other characters

I hate having to refer to this over and over to understand what's going on since it isn't intuitive. Also, if something isn't meant to be understood by Sybil, then it shouldn't be translated if this is a 1st-person perspective narrative. Especially if it's first-person present tense, since can't use a retrospective explanation of them learning it later and saying it in the retelling.

I think the opening setup can work, though I'll note my absolute hatred for 1st person present tense made it hard for me to engage with the work. So take some stuff with a grain of salt. Still, I would recommend against it, especially if the story is meant to contain stuff that doesn't work with first-person, as it already does.

I do feel there's a lot of telling in this as well, which is another thing that interferes with my ability to immerse. ...I feel like a lot of what I'd want to discuss here involves 1st-person narratives. Sigh... Stuff I need to get around to.

But yeah, content-wise, I do see some potential with the mystery hook opening. While I do like the dry humor, a part of me also feels it's inconsistent with their supposed state of disorientation and confusion.


It's my first time writing for myself; last time I did it was for fun and to forget suicidal thoughts of mine and just make a fanfic of whatever came to mind, but this time I am thinking of going serious about it, so I know it will not be that good because it is my first time writing. Anyway, here you go. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/752577/overlord--new-start/
I hope you've managed the suicidal thoughts and such well. That's something I wouldn't wish on anybody, given my own views of life. But that's beside the point, let's get started.

First up, your pacing could use a bit of speeding up with this. More the top issue I notice is you kind of drag out the bewildered and confused stuff. More I got a bit tired of it early on.

Also, you're another who I'd recommend watching my whole video on learning how to show.


For just a few cases where you do some telling...

  1. Kazuo sat on the edge of his bed, tears streaming down his face. The pain in his head was unbearable, throbbing with a ferocity that made him feel as though his skull might split open at any moment.
  2. Despite his attempts to calm himself, the tears continued to flow, a testament to the agony he was experiencing.
  3. Originally, it was stated that Suzuki was in his mid-thirties, but when he acquired the facts from his knowledge, the fact was confirmed: Suzuki was in fact 33 years old, but he himself was 23 years old.
  4. Kazuo's heart pounded in his chest as he took each step forward, his feet sinking into the soft earth with varying degrees of pressure.
  5. Kazuo's heart raced as he heard a sound coming from the other side of the room.
  6. His heart raced as he tried to make sense of what was happening. This was like nothing he had ever experienced before.

    So yeah, that's the immediate stuff I'd work on with your prose. I can see some other room for improvement, but I don't like to overwhelm people with too much out the gate.

    I'll do the other two in a moment, this post's formatting just got weird and it's annoying me, so just posting this now.


 

HelloHound

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Alright, let's do some speed running.

First up, I have a question: why is this first-person present tense? I'd just like to know the logic behind that cursed combination.

I hate having to refer to this over and over to understand what's going on since it isn't intuitive.
I figured with my meager writing experience it would be easier to conceal some information from my protagonist and bias what information she does come across.
And I might edit out the opposite symbols for stuff that Sybil isn't able to interpret language wise but I thought that the audience might want to know what's generally going on even if the main character doesn't (I phase it out for the most part after Sybil learns the language)
Thank you for your feedback and advice btw (and sorry about torturing you via pov)
 

Story_Marc

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Hello, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind giving my first chapter a look? Thanks.
Alright, so, in your case, yes, I would since I think you do well with introducing the characters, I like Azalon and Cornell's convo, and I like the characterization with Azalon being more thoughtful, meticulous, and friendly while Cornell has the whole weary about the adventurous lifestyle, somewhat reserved, dry sense of humor, etc. Plus I'm cool with the buildup going on and how the worldbuilding is blended into the narrative.

Your area of improvement does deal with the prose still, particularly with some passages being dense. The second sentence alone put some worry into me.

Even though the day was cloudless and bright these northern waters were always rough due to the complex nature of the currents that swept through the Great Northern Archipelago and its ten-thousand islands.

Ignoring the necessity of a comma after bright, this is needlessly wordy. Here's how I'd recommend fixing it.

Despite the bright, cloudless day, the northern waters remained rough due to the complex currents sweeping through the Great Northern Archipelago's ten-thousand islands.

To note, I wouldn't read it, but I wouldn't because it's furry erotic horror and all kinds of stuff that I'm just not interested in. You do you, though. It's fiction, so whatever, and I respect anybody who writes what they genuinely want.

Aura
Could you perhaps give my novel a look, too? Thanks a lot!

First up, I recommend watching my video on showing & telling as well, since you have the same issue.

Anyway, maybe I'm dumb, let me ask a few questions to make sure this isn't some plot inconsistencies: how did Ray get framed for murder? He never used his katana in battle, only the sheath right? And with that in mind, why does Ray just give up instead of trying to prove his innocence?

I will say, my biggest issue with all this is the pacing. There are quite a few abrupt scene transitions for one. A good example, Ray's confrontation with Fari and Rick to the news of Shi's death. It's jarring with how you present it.

There really isn't any character interior with this or stuff that provides depth to the character. Really, this is rapid-fire action with little to no breather. Also, a part of me wonders if this creates some information overload with the speed since there isn't much time to explore or develop everything. It just feels really rushed. Which, for me, is a bit of a shame as this type of story WOULD be up my alley otherwise.

I figured with my meager writing experience it would be easier to conceal some information from my protagonist and bias what information she does come across.
And I might edit out the opposite symbols for stuff that Sybil isn't able to interpret language wise but I thought that the audience might want to know what's generally going on even if the main character doesn't (I phase it out for the most part after Sybil learns the language)
Thank you for your feedback and advice btw (and sorry about torturing you via pov)
Gotcha! That totally makes sense to conceal and bias information comes across. But yeah, even if the audience might want to know what's going on, if it's 1st person, they can't know until she knows. That's the point of 1st-person -- especially first-person present tense. The reader can only know what the POV character knows and nothing else.

And it's not the first person that bothers me, just present tense. :ROFLMAO: I wish I remember where I spoke of it more in this thread when giving info for people to decide for themselves on it. I hate it and find I just can't immerse in it, but I don't want anybody to ever change to suit my tastes if it is something they decide on as an informed creative decision.

I have noticed, oddly, I can stand present tense much more with an omniscient POV. Hmm... I need to figure out why.

And there, I think I'm all caught up with these, in spite of my recent melancholy.

...Oh wait, no, I forgot Renalia's Tale. I'll tackle that later.
 
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Dear Lord, would you kindly grant me a moment of your precious time to peruse my humble story? For I am but a humble and aspiring writer, seeking your esteemed guidance and wisdom.

 

Story_Marc

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The original idea started out as a full-on LitRPG. But as I started focusing on the characters more, I removed the stat boxes, skills list, etc. I wanted to remove the System messages and Market too but it's central to the theme. Yes theme, not plot.



Don't quote me on this but I get the general sense that newer books have stopped italicizing tagged thoughts. Unfortunately, I don't remember the book(s?). Is it very wrong not to italicize? The main MC is going to think to himself a lot and I kind of don't like how italics jump out from the rest of the text.



Thank you. This means a lot, especially since I felt overwhelmed with trying to outline a world-spanning trilogy with multiple protagonists. I've paused the story to start with something smaller in scope. When you have time again, can you share your thoughts on Chapter 1: Mother of Renalia's Tale?

Again, thank you for reading and critiquing. It's really helpful.
Okay, so, I read this, and this was an incredibly strong opening. There is so much you're doing well in it. You started the scene at a good place, I got an immediate sense of the characters, I like the drama you used, the foreboding mystery of things, etc. Also, that opening line is so great a line. Like... it's going to be weird since I'm not digging into as much depth as I could. There's the tone this set, the way it introduces the character, the pacing, just... This is a case where I'm gushing because I absolutely loved it!

I think I had small, tiny stuff that you could do, which I'll come back to tomorrow. It's stuff that, frankly, is barely even a little deal and is just my knowledge kicking in. As I said in one video though (quite a few actually), prose doesn't actually matter as much as it might seem once you hit a certain level. Storytelling-wise, having seen the opening for two different works from you, you're doing great!
Dear Lord, would you kindly grant me a moment of your precious time to peruse my humble story? For I am but a humble and aspiring writer, seeking your esteemed guidance and wisdom.

No.

...Okay, yes, I will, though give me a few days. I'm in my episode creation cycle again starting tomorrow.
 

DataNerdX

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Okay, so, I read this, and this was an incredibly strong opening. There is so much you're doing well in it. You started the scene at a good place, I got an immediate sense of the characters, I like the drama you used, the foreboding mystery of things, etc. Also, that opening line is so great a line. Like... it's going to be weird since I'm not digging into as much depth as I could. There's the tone this set, the way it introduces the character, the pacing, just... This is a case where I'm gushing because I absolutely loved it!

I think I had small, tiny stuff that you could do, which I'll come back to tomorrow. It's stuff that, frankly, is barely even a little deal and is just my knowledge kicking in. As I said in one video though (quite a few actually), prose doesn't actually matter as much as it might seem once you hit a certain level. Storytelling-wise, having seen the opening for two different works from you, you're doing great!
Ah, thanks. :blob_melt: Tone and character introductions were what I tried to focus on.

Looking forward to the additional detail. Your previous comments on direct and indirect internal dialogue led me to learn about free indirect discourse. I never knew this was a thing. It's exactly why I thought character thoughts were not italicized anymore. I must have encountered it millions of times but was never conscious of it. And I had to be conscious of it to actually use it. That first chapter would have been awful if every other paragraph ended with 'Renalia thought, blah blah blah.'
 

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Anyway, maybe I'm dumb, let me ask a few questions to make sure this isn't some plot inconsistencies: how did Ray get framed for murder? He never used his katana in battle, only the sheath right? And with that in mind, why does Ray just give up instead of trying to prove his innocence?
Both of those will actually get answered later down the road hahaha. And yeah, the pacing of chapter 1 is a bit fast, I’m trying to tone that way down now. Thanks for the feedback man!
 

Story_Marc

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Both of those will actually get answered later down the road hahaha. And yeah, the pacing of chapter 1 is a bit fast, I’m trying to tone that way down now. Thanks for the feedback man!
My question on why he just gives up instead of trying to prove his innocence becomes even stronger given the intent.

To help you with pacing, I recommend a video I made some time ago.

Ah, thanks. :blob_melt: Tone and character introductions were what I tried to focus on.

Looking forward to the additional detail. Your previous comments on direct and indirect internal dialogue led me to learn about free indirect discourse. I never knew this was a thing. It's exactly why I thought character thoughts were not italicized anymore. I must have encountered it millions of times but was never conscious of it. And I had to be conscious of it to actually use it. That first chapter would have been awful if every other paragraph ended with 'Renalia thought, blah blah blah.'
Okay, first, with formatting dialogue, you want to identify the speaker as soon as possible more often than not. Not always, it depends on sentence length, but when you can, you should. So, in this example...

“Hang in there, Eiry, I’m going to get the Healer,” Papa said.

It's better to do this:

“Hang in there, Eiry," Papa said, "I’m going to get the Healer."

This tiny touch will help create even better flow. Like, see what I mean here, looking at the context.

“Hang in there, Eiry," Papa said, "I’m going to get the Healer."

He extracted his calloused hand from Mama’s grasp and placed it on Renalia’s head. “Renya, be a good girl and listen to Myfanwy.”

This is what I mean it's a nitpick. There are plenty who would benefit from that lesson, but in your case, it is a VERY minor formatting one.

As for other instance, just needs a bit of transition. Right about here...

It’s nice here, she thought. Peaceful. If she could just stay here for a bit. No, Myfanwy had told her to fetch water, and the midwife knew what Mama needed right now. As much as it pained her to see Mama suffer, she must face it.

I think you could use a little bit of transition here, to create better continuity between sentences. Here's how I'd do it:

It’s nice here, she thought. Peaceful. If only she could just stay here for a bit... But Myfanwy had told her to fetch water, and the midwife knew what Mama needed. As much as it pained her to see Mama suffer, she had to face it.

Compare the two and see which flows better for you.

And speaking of continuity, tomorrow's episode will focus on that more in prose! Doing the second C.

But yeah, that's why I said I'd have to nitpick. I know there are a few other small instances like this I could find and maybe try to work on, but seriously, it's not a big deal. The fact I'm discussing things on this small level of refinement sums up how well I think you did. I typically don't go this far because this is what I mean about it being time-consuming if I touched everything I could.

Also, I went something similar with free indirect discourse. :ROFLMAO: That's also the top reason I love making things conscious. ...In fact, I'm going to digress real quick on why I dislike when people complain that learning makes things harder on them. In the grand scheme, no, staying ignorant and not trying is more sabotaging. What they're experiencing is the centipede's dilemma.

High above the forest floor, a millipede strolled along the branch of a tree, her thousand pairs of legs swinging in an easy gait. From the tree top, song birds looked down, fascinated by the synchronization of the millipede’s stride. “That’s an amazing talent,” chirped the songbirds. “You have more limbs than we can count. How do you do it?” And for the first time in her life the millipede thought about this. “Yes,” she wondered, “how do I do what I do?” As she turned to look back, her bristling legs suddenly ran into one another and tangled like vines of ivy. The songbirds laughed as the millipede, in a panic of confusion, twisted herself into a knot and fell to the earth below.

I'll go with that version of it. I get what they're talking about with analysis paralysis. I just like this version that someone added to the story, that summarizes why making knowledge conscious is so valuable.

On the forest floor, the millipede, realizing that only her pride was hurt, slowly, carefully, limb by limb, unraveled herself. With patience and hard work, she studied and flexed and tested her appendages, until she was able to stand and walk. What was once instinct became knowledge. She realized she didn’t have to move at her old, slow, rote pace. She could amble, strut, prance, even run and jump. Then, as never before, she listened to the symphony of the songbirds and let music touch her heart. Now in perfect command of thousands of talented legs, she gathered courage and, with a style of her own, danced and danced a dazzling dance that astonished all the creatures of her world.
 
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Seaspecter

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If you have the time would you mind checking mine out?

 

Story_Marc

Share your fun!
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Dear Lord, would you kindly grant me a moment of your precious time to peruse my humble story? For I am but a humble and aspiring writer, seeking your esteemed guidance and wisdom.

Hmm... Something about this feels a bit bland to me as a start. Now, prose MIGHT be the issue, which you're another who I feel could benefit from a lot of prose-related lessons, so... I'm going to focus on 3 things for you. First, the thing I keep bringing up here, relying heavily on telling instead of showing. Here is the episode I made for people like you:


Second, this feels very repetitive, including constantly just telling me the same emotion over and over on top of similar sentence structures. For the latter, I sadly haven't made my episode on cadence yet. So I recommend keeping an eye out for that.

Beyond that, with the character work, the two lack strong character hooks. Aside from the lack of names, the two are vaguely sketched really. The girl is vulnerable, the boy is strong and confident, and that's really it. Now, I'm not saying you need to have everything upfront, but they don't grab me in a way that I want to learn anything more about them. Really, I think that might be why it flaws flat for me. The majority of this chapter is more focused on emotional stakes, but the characters themselves aren't fleshed out or hooking enough on their own for me to grab my attention and the presentation of them language-wise leans so heavily in telling over showing that I can't connect.

Also, there are some POV issues in this, with head-hopping. The story seems to be a close POV of the girl, yet there are moments where you head hop over to the boy's perspective.

For character stuff, here:


 

PBJ_Time

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Jun 7, 2023
Messages
77
Points
18
Oh, me, me! I don't know if you wanna give prologues a chance, but my first draft has one, unlike the second one. Please let me know which is better in your opinion.
 

Sayakel

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2022
Messages
3
Points
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Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.

Please take a look at my first chapter.
 

ResurgoCinis

New member
Joined
Jun 4, 2023
Messages
1
Points
1
Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.

I'm an artist that wants to get better at writing to make better stories! Please, whenever you have the time, take a look at my story.

 
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