First Chapter Story Feedback

[RFNasua]

I've seen this done and would like to give it a try for the heck of it. XD If you want a quick feedback on your first chapter, send a link below.

 

[Ununique]

- Chapter 1: The white room. | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I'd like an opinion on the style.

 

[RFNasua]

- Chapter 1: The white room. | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I'd like an opinion on the style.

In all honesty, I'm not a fan of it. I think it is more suitable for a graphic novel than prose or narrative.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for style, as long as it is done right and follows, to a reasonable degree, rules on story-writing and grammar.

The first that struck me is the lack of proper dialogue tags and wrong punctuation uses in general.

i.e.

"I don't know we might be dead, but I don't remember anything past- well I can remember this whole week but I don't know what happened before I woke up." some guy sitting on the floor said.

Here, instead of (.) after 'I woke up', you should use a comma. Like this:

"I don't know we might be dead, but I don't remember anything past- well I can remember this whole week but I don't know what happened before I woke up[,]" some guy sitting on the floor said.

That's just one of the rules of using dialogue tags. There are others, and I suggest you search for those on the internet. There are good sources out there.

Also, this style is generally frowned upon:

"~Fucking told you~" I whispered excitedly to the annoyed guy. He glared back.

There is no need to use (~) there. It could simply be:

"Fucking told you," I whispered excitedly to the annoyed guy. He glared back.

It is cleaner, and the readers will understand that the sentence was uttered in a whisper even without the (~).

Also, too much application of style, like these sentences in parenthesis:

"Why us, what's special about us?" A girl interjected, she kept rubbing her hands and struggled to get even those words out. (Can't really blame her I'm just familiar with the premise.)

"You come from a world that has already been subjugated, and even afterward there was no relapse to the domination by humans in your world. Unfortunately, the humans in other worlds like the one I preside over are incapable of achieving the same effect without my help, without your help." She spoke sympathetically. (Yeah I guess the least she can do is be nice and accommodating, I mean she literally ripped some of us from our homes.)

"So do you plan on telling us what kind of world this is, or how you're gonna just plop us down, are you even going to give us something to aid our quest or whatever?" Another man spoke up. (Wow, someone else who gets the premise but sounds like a total dick in comparison.)

is very off-putting, and makes for rough reading. Three consecutive paragraphs with those thoughts in parenthesis really bothered me. A lot of those could be incorporated into the narration.

Lastly, the chapter suffers from what is called a "white room syndrome."It is when the story is written in such a way that the characters could have been interacting in a white room, with no description of where they are or context, or whatever, hence, the name. The chapter is too dialogue-heavy, but there was no description of the surroundings that would immerse the reader in the fictional world you created.

So, uhm, I hope that you won't take this the wrong way, and you'll be able to enhance your writing style moving forward. Wishing you all the best.

-RF

 

[Ununique]

Lastly, the chapter suffers from what is called a "white room syndrome."

I kinda hoped you'd get that from the title of the chapter itself.

(read this in a friendly tone) Jokes aside, yeah dude I don't take criticism I asked for the wrong way otherwise I wouldn't have asked in the first place, but yeah my biggest issue is I haven't really taken writing that seriously and have only recently wanted to put polish into the work I'm making so it's helpful to know the style is not something I should keep. It was experimental at best and lazy formatting at worst.

 

[RFNasua]

I kinda hoped you'd get that from the title of the chapter itself.

(read this in a friendly tone) Jokes aside, yeah dude I don't take criticism I asked for the wrong way otherwise I wouldn't have asked in the first place, but yeah my biggest issue is I haven't really taken writing that seriously and have only recently wanted to put polish into the work I'm making so it's helpful to know the style is not something I should keep. It was experimental at best and lazy formatting at worst.

Ahaha. Totally didn't read the title. I just want you to know that I felt disconnected to the story when I read it because of the white room thing. If it's your intention that the characters are in like, an empty space, that could go into the narration and description as well. Just a recommendation.

I hope you can find a style that suits your writing that also effectively conveys your story to the readers. =)

 

[K5Rakitan]

Mine is in my signature if you're OK with mature stories.

 

[Alkareel]

Can I get your opinion on either one(or both) of my stories? Listed at signs.

 

[xX_Dave_Xx]

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/40309/id-tech

I would like your opinion on this please.

 

[TheTrinary]

Sure why not. The one on the left, Syche.

 

[RFNasua]

Mine is in my signature if you're OK with mature stories.

The chapter is well-written. Grammar-wise, I have no complaints about how you wrote it. I was amused when you described her quivering upon seeing her boyfriend for the first time in three weeks like, what is she? A dog? XD Seriously.

I gotta admit though, that this isn't really my cup of tea. But I see that many here enjoy these kinds of stories, so best of luck with that. Also, since this is just a first chapter feedback, I have no idea how the story eventually develops. I just hope that this isn't one of those types where the guy was abusive to the girl, coz that's a pet peeve of mine. Seeing that this is a reverse harem type, it's probably not.

 

[RFNasua]

Can I get your opinion on either one(or both) of my stories? Listed at signs.

I'll give my feedback on your Land of Eden first, give feedback on other's chapters, then go back to your second story.

You writing style makes it easy for readers to understand what you want to say. I love the sentimentality created at the latter half of the chapter.

Though, I spotted several grammar issues, the most prevalent of which is the improper dialogue tags. After a dialogue, instead of a period, put a comma. Then the next character after the quotation mark isn't capitalized unless it's a proper noun. Hence, instead of writing this:

"Father, why was he was crying earlier?” Her older son, his chin just barely reaching the top of the bed, asked a curious question.

It should be:

"Father, why was he was crying earlier?” her older son, his chin just barely reaching the top of the bed, asked a curious question.

Or

"Father, he was crying earlier,” her older son, his chin just barely reaching the top of the bed, asked a curious question.

Or


"Father, he was crying earlier,” Mark, her older son, his chin just barely reaching the top of the bed, asked a curious question.

See what I did there? There are rules on dialogue tags out there. They are just a google search away.

There are other improper use of punctuations, so be careful with those.

Also, I would recommend a more compelling start. The very first sentence of your story should pack a punch. Some of my favorite opening lines are these:

"How do you kill a concept?"
(Epics of Noche)

"All children, except one, grow up."
(Peter Pan)

"To Sherlock Holmes, she is always the woman."
(Sherlock Holmes: Scandal in Bohemia)

These are short sentences but they are loaded at the get go. It jumpstarts the interest of your reader to read your book.

Hope this helps you in a way. =)

 

[RFNasua]

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/40309/id-tech

I would like your opinion on this please.

I have to be honest and say that your first chapter is all over the place. First, the quick flashbacks. I don't think it's advisable to have a flashback after a short paragraph or two of your story. If you're gonna do that, might as well, start with the flashback itself. As a reader, it was like, having a whiplash. After that first flashback, you take us into another timelapse. It's very jarring. While we're at it, is that scene with the father fishing relevant? I didn't get how it ties into the rest of the chapter. If you can, do away with it, or try to incorporate it more seamlessly into the chapter.

Aside from that, the grammar is really poor too. Dialogue tags weren't done properly. I've discussed dialogue tags on some (if not all) of my responses here, You can check those. Also, the internet has a lot of resources for those.

Punctuations, dude. I had a hard time trying to comprehend what you were trying to say because your narrative is not properly punctuated. Take this for example:

"Whatever I say into the microphone the suspect interprets it as a thought in his own head and whatever he thinks it will show up as text on the computer" Derrick says.

I had to read this five times before I had an inkling of what you're trying to say. Again, the internet has some useful resources on proper punctuation use.

I hope you'll take this in a positive way and strive to improve as a writer. :)

 

[RFNasua]

Sure why not. The one on the left, Syche.

Ah, finally a story that is written in the past tense. After several present tense stories, I feel relieved reading a story in the past tense. XD I don't know, stories with past tense feel more...grounded for me.

I love the start of the book. Like I said in one of my feedback here, the first sentences of the story matter a lot, and I think you nailed it. The flow of the narration is very smooth. There's just one or two where you missed a comma and sentences that I had to reread to understand. Over-all though, I think it's a really well-written chapter.

The problematic sentences that I mentioned are these, by the way:

"Together the Man in Black and his steed catapulted into the bank and rested deathly still." -- you missed a comma here.

"From the driver's side, Joshua slid from his seat and sauntered to Kael with his the back of his hand raised high."-- I didn't quite understand this.

Aside from that, I have no major issues with your chapter.

 

[Alkareel]

I'll give my feedback on your Land of Eden first, give feedback on other's chapters, then go back to your second story.

You writing style makes it easy for readers to understand what you want to say. I love the sentimentality created at the latter half of the chapter.

Though, I spotted several grammar issues, the most prevalent of which is the improper dialogue tags. After a dialogue, instead of a period, put a comma. Then the next character after the quotation mark isn't capitalized unless it's a proper noun. Hence, instead of writing this:

"Father, why was he was crying earlier?” Her older son, his chin just barely reaching the top of the bed, asked a curious question.

It should be:

"Father, why was he was crying earlier?” her older son, his chin just barely reaching the top of the bed, asked a curious question.

Or

"Father, he was crying earlier,” her older son, his chin just barely reaching the top of the bed, asked a curious question.

Or


"Father, he was crying earlier,” Mark, her older son, his chin just barely reaching the top of the bed, asked a curious question.

See what I did there? There are rules on dialogue tags out there. They are just a google search away.

There are other improper use of punctuations, so be careful with those.

Also, I would recommend a more compelling start. The very first sentence of your story should pack a punch. Some of my favorite opening lines are these:

"How do you kill a concept?"
(Epics of Noche)

"All children, except one, grow up."
(Peter Pan)

"To Sherlock Holmes, she is always the woman."
(Sherlock Holmes: Scandal in Bohemia)

These are short sentences but they are loaded at the get go. It jumpstarts the interest of your reader to read your book.

Hope this helps you in a way. =)

Oh, thank you very much. I'll keep this in mind and work on those faults.

 

[K5Rakitan]

The chapter is well-written. Grammar-wise, I have no complaints about how you wrote it. I was amused when you described her quivering upon seeing her boyfriend for the first time in three weeks like, what is she? A dog? XD Seriously.

I gotta admit though, that this isn't really my cup of tea. But I see that many here enjoy these kinds of stories, so best of luck with that. Also, since this is just a first chapter feedback, I have no idea how the story eventually develops. I just hope that this isn't one of those types where the guy was abusive to the girl, coz that's a pet peeve of mine. Seeing that this is a reverse harem type, it's probably not.

Thanky! No, definitely not a story about abuse <3

 

[TheTrinary]

Ah, finally a story that is written in the past tense. After several present tense stories, I feel relieved reading a story in the past tense. XD I don't know, stories with past tense feel more...grounded for me.

I love the start of the book. Like I said in one of my feedback here, the first sentences of the story matter a lot, and I think you nailed it. The flow of the narration is very smooth. There's just one or two where you missed a comma and sentences that I had to reread to understand. Over-all though, I think it's a really well-written chapter.

The problematic sentences that I mentioned are these, by the way:

"Together the Man in Black and his steed catapulted into the bank and rested deathly still." -- you missed a comma here.

"From the driver's side, Joshua slid from his seat and sauntered to Kael with his the back of his hand raised high."-- I didn't quite understand this.

Aside from that, I have no major issues with your chapter.

Cool. Thanks for looking it over.

 

[Sylverius]

Hmm... Since my story progressed, I feel like there's a problem. Can you try out mine? I need someone to point out the problems so I can fix them ASAP. Been having troubles on chapters, 4-5. My story's at the sig.

 

[Ai-chan]

How about roasting Ai-chan a little. Just a little. Ai-chan's a kitty.

The Hounds of Hell

For Carl, Maya has always been the cherished older sister. For Maya, Carl has always been the beloved younger brother. They may not have always been the best of friends, nor are they ever the worst of enemies. Sometimes they disagree, sometimes they support each other, sometimes they simply...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LotsChrono]

Story about an homunculus. No, it's not a revenge story.
R. A. T. H | Scribble Hub