I would like feed back on my story

[Hulk666]

My story is a Dungeon LITRPG I am planing on expanding my story to other websites because I got banned on royal road for spamming on forums.I realized fans don’t just come to you.You have to get their attention by being original or feeding their hunger by creating a LITRPG.I would like people to give my story a go then reply back some feedback

 

[BubbleC]

Sure! Where can we view your story? And where do you want people to provide feedback? In this thread, PMs, or in a review/comment?

 

[Hulk666]

Sure! Where can we view your story? And where do you want people to provide feedback? In this thread, PMs, or in a review/comment?

You can find my story Super Hunter on Webnovel, Scribble hub or royal road and I want them to give a review or comment on this thread

 

[Napelynn]

Did you just copy and paste it from another site? If you did that may have ruined the chapter, or maybe it was something else. The point is, right now, you don't have spaces after punctuation and you don't have quotation marks. There's probably more but I only looked at the first paragraph.

Hey did you hear Mark got first place on the exam again Evan said.Ugh such a show off I would've aced that exam but I'm not a show off Alex said.You're so right just because he's rich doesn't mean he's better then us Evan said.Whatever let's go to a PC cafe after class Alex Said.

 

[Hulk666]

Did you just copy and paste it from another site? If you did that may have ruined the chapter, or maybe it was something else. The point is, right now, you don't have spaces after punctuation and you don't have quotation marks. There's probably more but I only looked at the first paragraph.

Yes I copied from another site because I didn’t want to rewrite it.(It is my story I didn’t copy from someone else)

 

[BubbleC]

Alright, basic review:
The overall premise and story have potential. I was intrigued by the Heaven orbs, three guilds, and academy setting. Magical academies are my weak spot, and I think it'd be interesting seeing the protagonist grow.

However, the grammar, pacing, and formatting are a big turn-off that will be sure to turn readers away. Here are some suggestions:

1. For grammar and formatting: Add spaces after your sentences. Add "quotation marks" around dialogue. Add separate dialogue lines with an enter. And add punctuation at the end of sentences.
2. For pacing and cohesion: Add more description and exposition between scenes. Don't jump around from dialogue to dialogue without saying a thing about the setting or speaker and expect the reader to follow along. (ex. At the beginning of chapter one, Mark goes from telling someone to lick his shoe to being in bed? What? Was that first scene supposed to be a dream? The lack of transition and description makes this confusing.)
3. Stick to one tense. Choose between first or third-person and don't combine them. Personally, I think first-person works better for your story. (ex. I angrily asked the system what do the stats mean after reading the Overview Mark thought. --> get rid of "Mark thought" here to preserve first-person).
4. Don't use said at the end of dialogue all the time. Use other dialogue tags, no tags at all, or add some short description. You do this more in the second chapter, and it's good. (edited ex: "What do you mean menu?" Just as I said that a blue interface appeared in front of me. It had three words on it: Status, Skills, and Dungeon. I clicked the Skills menu, and one word popped up: Fire Manipulation.)

Overall, your grammar and descriptive abilities need quite a bit of work in order to convey your story, but if you grind those skills, you'll be good. Your dialogue and ideas seem interesting, and you're capable of making an entertaining chapter that doesn't lose pace. That's good.

Here's an edited version of chapter one you can reference for grammar. I guessed some parts (wasn't sure if it was dialogue or not), so it's not perfect. The edited portions are in bold. If you edit your chapters like this, you will be sure to increase your readers.

Spoiler: Edited Chapter 1

“Hey, did you hear? Mark got first place on the exam again,” Evan said.

“Ugh, such a showoff. I would've aced that exam, but I'm not a showoff,” Alex said.

“You're so right. Just because he's rich doesn't mean he's better then than us,” Evan said.

“Whatever let's go to a PC cafe after class,” Alex S said.

“Hey, you know it's not nice to talk bad about you're your fellow classmate,” Mark said.

“Umm, we’re sorry, Mark. Please don't tell your father. We're sorry,” Alex said.

“I think my shoes need some cleaning. Go lick it,” Mark said.

“Okay, you promise not to tell your father, right?” Evan said.

“I’m a man of my word you can trust me,” Mark said.

“Hey, Mark. Hey, Mark! Wake up! You're gonna be late for school.”

“Huh? Five more minutes, Mom,” Mark said.

“Wake up, honey! It’s your first day at the school for naturally gifted,” Mother said.

It flooded Mark’s mind with the acceptance letter to the best school in the world. Angelic Academy made by the founders of the three main guilds. The Heavenly Sword guild, the Blue Rose guild, and the Red Shield guild.

“Why didn't you wake me up earlier, Mom?” Mark said.

“Ohh honey, I just wanted you to have some extra hours of sleep,” Mother said.

“Okay, Mom. Anyway, can you leave? I'm about to change.”

5 minutes later

“Bye, Mom. See you later!” Mark said.

“Bye, honey. Make sure to make new friends,” Mother said.

“Friends, huh. Who needs friends when you have the best school in the world?” Mark said.

I saw the school door closing.

“Oh shit! I'm not gonna make it!” Mark said. Just as the doors were closing, I jumped and made it through. And I made it.

“Whoo, that was hard,” Mark said.

“Hello, are you Mark Karter the freshmen?” said this gorgeous women in black.

“Uhh, yes. I'm Mark Karter. Would you like to go out sometime?”

“Hahahaha. Sorry, I don't go for younger men. Anyways, follow me. The Test is beginning, so join up with the freshmens freshmen.

Before Mark knew it, he was teleported in to a room with other people. One person that his eyes caught was a blonde boy with a brunette girl.

“Welcome, people, to Angelic Academy! The place where you all will hone your skills to destroy Dungeons or obtain relics or become rich.”

“Wrong! You are here because humanity needs you, so hone your skills into Beautiful Hunters to save lives.”

Everyone was silent; the speech was beautiful.

“Now that my speech is done, raise your hand if you have an ability already. I saw about five people raise their hand; they must have come from rich families. Alright, the students with ability's abilities, go to office and request your dormitory. Everyone else stay for a Heaven orb.”

I immediately ran for my Heaven orb. I don't know what hit me. I guess I was excited. I always wanted to have a ability, but the Heaven orbs are expensive for my family. The only option for me was to get accepted for into Angelic Academy.

“Here is your orb, Mark Karter. Remember you might not unlock your ability after eating the Heaven orb. It takes patience for the ability to unlock.”

I was excited; I was trembling. It was much my first time looking at a Heaven orb. It looked beautiful. It had the power of giving me the most powerful ability or the weakest. It was intense, but I gained courage and ate it.

[Heaven orb consumed]

[System is transferring to host soul]

[Ability is being unlocked]

Huh?