Sentence Structure Tip #1

melonpanwarrior

Active member
Joined
Sep 6, 2021
Messages
10
Points
43
Everyone probably already knows this one, but I still think it is one of the most helpful advice I've seen so here's for those that haven't seen it:

 
Last edited:

Vnator

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
419
Points
133
I ended up skimming that blue sentence, so you're doing something wrong.
Don't really blame you. But I'd say it's the lack of proper buildup to something you can invest yourself in. Otherwise, I read through it after forcing myself to focus, after which point it was pretty easy!
 

SakeVision

Sama/kisama
Joined
Jul 30, 2021
Messages
1,013
Points
128
Don't really blame you. But I'd say it's the lack of proper buildup to something you can invest yourself in. Otherwise, I read through it after forcing myself to focus, after which point it was pretty easy!
Maybe if he went all the way through it would have kept my attention.


Why stop at the impetus of crescendo, the roll of drums, the crash of the cymbals, if you can also mention the echo of tubular bells, the gritting of the violin, the sharp pulls of biwa's strings, the thundering roar of trumpets, and the symphony of katyusha going wowowowowowo as it bombards our poorly fortified position with countless M-8 82mm rockets from several miles away, as we hunker down and say our last prayers.
 

Motsu

Game Lead Programmer x WebAppSoft
Joined
Jun 24, 2020
Messages
1,096
Points
153
This actually looks like a speech. Gary's trying to emphasize something by saying it twice and adding out-of-nowhere sentences in the wrong spot. It's like he is forced to add something in-between, beginning, or at the end. To summarize, repetition isn't always the key, always read what you write, and never add too much than what is necessary.
 

Agentt

Thighs
Joined
Oct 8, 2020
Messages
3,384
Points
183
I actually found the 5 word sentences better, allowed me to adjust my reading speed and the narration in my mind.

I do get the point though, a proper built up is very important for a comedy author like me, you have to quickly set up the atmosphere, and ensure the punchline remains a surprise.

But in this case, where every sentence is of different length, it just creates chaos enough to make the reader skip through it.

It would be even better if you complemented this by proper spacing,
Give
Proper
S
P
A
C
I
N
G
~~♡
A proper use of punctuation is also very pog
 
Top