Unreliable Biased Feedback

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Hey, if you're still doing this, do check out my story!


Appreciate it!
Chapter 3: Heavy Burden
3.5/5: Slightly above average

the writing is fine and the dialogue could use some work. you've got the fundamentals down. you just have to start polishing now.
the main problem with this novel is tone. I did not find the action scene suspenseful nor did I find the scene with his mother emotional. both were dry and I just felt detached and was compelled to skip.
I read a bit of chapter 4 but couldn't really bring myself to continue. you introduced half a dozen new characters when you haven't even finished cementing the mc (and shen). all characters so far are one dimensional and lack depth.

finally there was something on ch1 that compelled me to drop right then and there. I don't like reading about stupid characters. when characters can 'see' the same thing as i do, i expect them to come to similar conclusions. mc heard the girl ask about 'where to die'. he saw her hide her arms. he saw her eyes dull and 'full of despair' as he put it. is it that difficult to connect the two?
 

unknownking

your local shitposter
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I could need some feedback if I'm honest or just an opinion on what I should have done differently, but I've been too embarrassed to ask anyone till now so I might as well ask you All-knowing Blob.
Spatial magus, my novel is if I'm honest, your generic fantasy novel, at best and at worst my deranged thoughts:blob_joy:.
 
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I could need some feedback if I'm honest or just an opinion on what I should have done differently, but I've been too embarrassed to ask anyone till now so I might as well ask you All-knowing Blob.
Spatial magus, my novel is if I'm honest, your generic fantasy novel, at best and at worst my deranged thoughts:blob_joy:.
nothing to be embarrassed about. I don't mind reading anything. I'll let you know what the voices in my head think
 

MareoKen

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Chapter 3: Heavy Burden
3.5/5: Slightly above average

the writing is fine and the dialogue could use some work. you've got the fundamentals down. you just have to start polishing now.
the main problem with this novel is tone. I did not find the action scene suspenseful nor did I find the scene with his mother emotional. both were dry and I just felt detached and was compelled to skip.
I read a bit of chapter 4 but couldn't really bring myself to continue. you introduced half a dozen new characters when you haven't even finished cementing the mc (and shen). all characters so far are one dimensional and lack depth.

finally there was something on ch1 that compelled me to drop right then and there. I don't like reading about stupid characters. when characters can 'see' the same thing as i do, i expect them to come to similar conclusions. mc heard the girl ask about 'where to die'. he saw her hide her arms. he saw her eyes dull and 'full of despair' as he put it. is it that difficult to connect the two?
Appreciate the review! You made some valid points, I'll see what I can do moving forward!
 
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There's no rush, but it might actually be better for you to read the scribblehub one. I actually made a few formatting/general improvements for it. The formatting in particular might count for a lot, so I think I'm going to go ahead and post the whole thing here too, just so I can apply it consistently.
Chapter 7
3.5/5: Slightly above average

the writing quality is decent and the dialogues are good. the main problem is that I have no idea what's going on. I was going to stop at chapter 3. I continued thinking things would be clearer later on but they weren't.
the first chapter introduces an S rank mercenary then it turns out it's hitori? but then it turns out it's not him?
then comes the constant pov changes. they're very disorienting and honestly with little to gain. two paragraphs later you go back to the mc again.
the few chapters i read were overwhelming and difficult to read. I also dislike the way info was dumped
 
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Not sure if you mind R-18 stories, but if you don't I can always use more feedback.

17: A Trip to the Park
4/5: Above average

the writing is good and easy to read. the dialogue could use a bit of work but otherwise it's decent. it was pretty enjoyable. the overall quality improves further in. My main issue with this novel is the premise. MC has a functional family that loves him. you portrayed him as a decently moral person, yet he's trying to fuck his siblings (and stepmother) for seemingly no reason. there were also a few instances where their familial love was affirmed and he felt somewhat guilty. I just can't find his motivation for what he's doing.
this is just a guess but I think once you introduce smut between one of the sisters or the mother, you'll find more than a few uncomfortable readers.
Another thing that I wish I had seen was subtlety. instead of the maid repeating the command she received and stripping on the spot it would've been better if she just left and came back while tying the blue suit around her waist or something : her thoughts and reasoning are implicit not explicit.
other than that, I like all the characters (except the mc). they felt alive and animated.
 

LessThanSavory

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17: A Trip to the Park
4/5: Above average

the writing is good and easy to read. the dialogue could use a bit of work but otherwise it's decent. it was pretty enjoyable. the overall quality improves further in. My main issue with this novel is the premise. MC has a functional family that loves him. you portrayed him as a decently moral person, yet he's trying to fuck his siblings (and stepmother) for seemingly no reason. there were also a few instances where their familial love was affirmed and he felt somewhat guilty. I just can't find his motivation for what he's doing.
this is just a guess but I think once you introduce smut between one of the sisters or the mother, you'll find more than a few uncomfortable readers.
Another thing that I wish I had seen was subtlety. instead of the maid repeating the command she received and stripping on the spot it would've been better if she just left and came back while tying the blue suit around her waist or something : her thoughts and reasoning are implicit not explicit.
other than that, I like all the characters (except the mc). they felt alive and animated.
Thanks for the feedback!

I definitely want to improve the subtlety aspect, given that it's a corruption story and all, so thanks for pointing it out.

As for the MC's relationship with his family... I'm a bit stumped on that one. The original idea was something along the lines of "his motivation is having the power to influence people he finds attractive and who have spent a lot of time around him, but who he doesn't really see as relatives", but I guess that may have been undermined by what I actually wrote.

Not that there's a non-weird way to write this, but I definitely don't want it to seem like there's just no real reasoning in his head for something like this, so I'll keep that in mind going forward.
 
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Not that there's a non-weird way to write this, but I definitely don't want it to seem like there's just no real reasoning in his head for something like this, so I'll keep that in mind going forward.
the only reasoning i could glean was that he's horny. there are many ways this could go. I can throw a few ideas at you.

MC is also being 'corrupted' by his own skill
MC regrets what he's doing, stops, and goes back to before. Mother and sister don't like it and become obsessive and take initiative.
MC regrets what he's doing, tries to stop but accidentally makes it worse.
 

LessThanSavory

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the only reasoning i could glean was that he's horny. there are many ways this could go. I can throw a few ideas at you.

MC is also being 'corrupted' by his own skill
MC regrets what he's doing, stops, and goes back to before. Mother and sister don't like it and become obsessive and take initiative.
MC regrets what he's doing, tries to stop but accidentally makes it worse.

Thanks for the suggestions! I'd planned something similar for a little later on, but after rereading, I kind of feel like it might be better to move it up to before smut stuff happens.

I was trying to avoid the MC getting too incel-y or motivated-only-by-weird-pseudo-incest-y, but I seem to have overestimated how much of what I thought about actually got translated into what I was reading. Which, I guess is the point of writing a practice story, but it still feels a little frustrating.

Anyway, I'm more motivated to try to improve now, so thanks again!
 
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Thanks for the suggestions! I'd planned something similar for a little later on, but after rereading, I kind of feel like it might be better to move it up to before smut stuff happens.

I was trying to avoid the MC getting too incel-y or motivated-only-by-weird-pseudo-incest-y, but I seem to have overestimated how much of what I thought about actually got translated into what I was reading. Which, I guess is the point of writing a practice story, but it still feels a little frustrating.

Anyway, I'm more motivated to try to improve now, so thanks again!
just keep in mind that this is simply my opinion. before you do anything drastic based on what I said, you should try consulting some of your readers
 

ModernGold7ne

That fly you can't swat.
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My story isn't really Gender bender, so if you're willing to give it a look, I'd appreciate the feedback.
 

Sairren

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Would be glad to have the opinion of a grey blob on my story. It's ~80k words and the story is complete until I get to work on the second arc at some point in the near future. No romance or anything that you listed in your restrictions. o wo)b

 
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It is a story with an old lady as a protagonist. There is a slight romance, but it is straight. The story is 13k words.
Chapter 9
3/5: Average

As most novels here, the writings gets better later on, significantly better imo. This is not my type of novel. It's light-hearted with very little depth. I find the MC obnoxious and the supporting characters indistinguishable from one another. Blanks. The only one I remember was the girl that hid the broccoli. I thought there'd be some interesting chance for her personality to shine but there was none. She could've made any reaction to the food, said she lost it at the river, have her friends tease her, etc..
I think there's too much focus on the MC and not the people around her. There's barely anyone talking besides the MC. And the pace was really fast.

Also I don't know if you were going for a childrens bedtime story (or something of the sorts) but that's what this novel reminded me of. (This is not meant as any kind of insult.)
I would appreciate if you reviewed my first chapter :)
it's too early to rate this. that's why there's a 10k words minimum. it looks promising. I can sort of tell where you're going with this. the writing is alright. the second chapter is already better than the first so things should steadily improve. only advice is to try adding more body language and descriptions
 
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I'd like to hear your thoughts.
Chapter 16: Essence Crystal
4.5/5 : Great with a few flaws

the writings is good, the dialogues are pretty decent, and the flow is smooth. I think you have a plan and proceeding there nicely. There are slight "flaws" that I noticed. The characters lack something. Their dialogues do the heavy lifting in brining them to life but they're missing something. It might be the lack of descriptions and body language. I'm not sure.
Other than that, I really dislike info dumps, especially when they come between tense/action scenes.(This happens quite a lot) It breaks immersion. Also, it'd be simpler if you italicised internal monologue. maybe I'm just used to it but it makes reading easier. Lasty, the explanation of the system, the powers, pscionics, etc.. explanation is pretty confusing. It was especially overwhelming at the beginning.
Anyways good work overall.
 
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It'd be disingenuous if I didn't participate in these every now and then. Check out my scary story collection. "Collection".
this is not really a novel so I can't rate it but I can give you a few thoughts on what i read
1: lacked suspense and tone.
2: is the best one by far also the best written one.
3: found it too cringe, couldn't finish it.
4: started alright but slowly died out. lacked a punchline.

I would appreciate if you reviewed my first chapter :)
review is finished above but post got merged so there might have not been a notification

Incest futa and NTR okay?
I'm not sure if you're interested. if you are drop a link
 
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