Free feedback thread. No Gl or smut, or incest. NO INCEST! (Closed)

Sairren

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2021
Messages
31
Points
48
I recently finished editing my story, so it's mostly done outside of any minor errors I may not have caught. It's in the signature. o wo)b
 

doravg

103/4001 (too lazy to count the stories again.)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
1,883
Points
153
I recently finished editing my story, so it's mostly done outside of any minor errors I may not have caught. It's in the signature. o wo)b
done
 

georgelee5786

2024 Shovel Duel Champion
Joined
Mar 6, 2022
Messages
3,217
Points
183
I'm back, but with a better story. This one only has 3 chapters, but I want to know what I did right or wrong in those 3, so I can make sure I don't repeat the mistakes.
 

sprlte

New member
Joined
Jul 8, 2022
Messages
9
Points
3
Hello there, I need feedback!

 

doravg

103/4001 (too lazy to count the stories again.)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
1,883
Points
153
I'm back, but with a better story. This one only has 3 chapters, but I want to know what I did right or wrong in those 3, so I can make sure I don't repeat the mistakes.
You want me to point out your mistakes, not a review, per se. So, I'll do that here.

Ok, first off, Silver Phoenix is an attack machine, as far as I understood it. You made him sound like a corrupt official archetype. Namely, a human. Perhaps if you have kept the machine as a robot, and not given him any emotions, your story would have been better. Maybe gotten a plot somewhere that showed how Silver Phoenix had been hijacked.

You made him sound evil, but he is a machine. Machines are tools, they can't be evil. No AI, no matter how advanced, can mimic human reasoning and emotions.

Another thing, your combat scenes could be more polished. Now, I am not a master at those at all. I still have trouble with them. But shouting some command and then say that there is an explosion is simply not enough. Most of the time, I didn't know what the commands meant, so I was confused.

The plot to get the MC killed on a mission that he was already taking was a bit out of the blue. You could have gotten a better effect if you have made it look like the government is putting all their trust in him. Not that they are trying to get rid of him. The reason behind his death being needed was also shallow. I mean, he is too good at handling a catastrophe, and he needs to die? Really? In other novels, he would have gotten a medal.

Your worst misstep is making Silver Phoenix human, when he is, in fact, a machine. Things can't go much against their nature, or programming, as it is in Silver Phoenix's case. The least you could have done was explain why he wants to destroy all life on the planet.

Otherwise, your grammar and style are good. You could continue this story, but be careful of how you explain why Silver Phoenix acts like a human. Make it believable, thrown in a bit of world building, and flesh out the MC. Because, as things stand now, the MC is just your average commander sent off to his death.

(I am sorry if this feedback seems a bit too harsh. You asked for something to prevent future mistakes, and it was not my intentions to insult you. Your story has what it needs to be a completed work. You just need a better release schedule, at least for the first 20 chapters. You have readers, don't give up on them.)
Hello there, I need feedback!

done
 
Last edited:

georgelee5786

2024 Shovel Duel Champion
Joined
Mar 6, 2022
Messages
3,217
Points
183
You want me to point out your mistakes, not a review, per se. So, I'll do that here.

Ok, first off, Silver Phoenix is an attack machine, as far as I understood it. You made him sound like a corrupt official archetype. Namely, a human. Perhaps if you have kept the machine as a robot, and not given him any emotions, your story would have been better. Maybe gotten a plot somewhere that showed how Silver Phoenix had been hijacked.

You made him sound evil, but he is a machine. Machines are tools, they can't be evil. No AI, no matter how advanced, can mimic human reasoning and emotions.

Another thing, your combat scenes could be more polished. Now, I am not a master at those at all. I still have trouble with them. But shouting some command and then say that there is an explosion is simply not enough. Most of the time, I didn't know what the commands meant, so I was confused.

The plot to get the MC killed on a mission that he was already taking was a bit out of the blue. You could have gotten a better effect if you have made it look like the government is putting all their trust in him. Not that they are trying to get rid of him. The reason behind his death being needed was also shallow. I mean, he is too good at handling a catastrophe, and he needs to die? Really? In other novels, he would have gotten a medal.

Your worst misstep is making Silver Phoenix human, when he is, in fact, a machine. Things can't go much against their nature, or programming, as it is in Silver Phoenix's case. The least you could have done was explain why he wants to destroy all life on the planet.

Otherwise, your grammar and style are good. You could continue this story, but be careful of how you explain why Silver Phoenix acts like a human. Make it believable, thrown in a bit of world building, and flesh out the MC. Because, as things stand now, the MC is just your average commander sent off to his death.

(I am sorry if this feedback seems a bit too harsh. You asked for something to prevent future mistakes, and it was not my intentions to insult you. Your story has what it needs to be a completed work. You just need a better release schedule, at least for the first 20 chapters. You have readers, don't give up on them.)
Ah, okay. Thanks for the feedback.
 

lost_cause

Member
Joined
Jul 9, 2022
Messages
11
Points
18
Hey ! Am i too late to the party ? Are you still doing reviews ? If you are then please check out mine.
Cliche Story of a Mob Villain
I do have several unedited chapter for the same , if you want that for a better idea. I can also share that.
 

doravg

103/4001 (too lazy to count the stories again.)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
1,883
Points
153
Here is mine! I hope you will review it since I need to improve my writing.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/515163/the-monarch-of-the-storms-is-an-extra/
I am going to give you the review here because I can't give you a 5 star with a clear conscience. And I don't give anything lower-period. So, the worst thing you do is that you do a lot of telling, and almost no showing. This is present in the info dumps you do as you try to make the pace fast. Instead of revealing the emotions of your characters through dialogue, you tell us about them. You leave nothing to the imagination, and that makes for a poor story. Worse, it makes for a story that is not engaging.

Your plot has a unique twist, what with the MC being the grandson of the isekai'd person. And you do use the memories of the evil grandpa. But you didn't explain how a dead person can try to control someone from the grave. Dead is dead, my friend. Unless he placed his soul in the book, or something, then he shouldn't have been able to do so.

Another thing you did wrong was leave a bit of your draft chapter in the prologue. That scene with the mother with a knife in her throat was followed by the note scene. You should remove it. It didn't feel like a part of a dream.

Your characters are not fleshed out. You should work on that.
(I am not trying to insult your work, just telling you what I saw after reading the first 10k words. Which is my standard for giving a review.)
 

APieceOfRock

Yuri Lover, endeed!
Joined
Jun 21, 2022
Messages
563
Points
108
I am going to give you the review here because I can't give you a 5 star with a clear conscience. And I don't give anything lower-period. So, the worst thing you do is that you do a lot of telling, and almost no showing. This is present in the info dumps you do as you try to make the pace fast. Instead of revealing the emotions of your characters through dialogue, you tell us about them. You leave nothing to the imagination, and that makes for a poor story. Worse, it makes for a story that is not engaging.

Your plot has a unique twist, what with the MC being the grandson of the isekai'd person. And you do use the memories of the evil grandpa. But you didn't explain how a dead person can try to control someone from the grave. Dead is dead, my friend. Unless he placed his soul in the book, or something, then he shouldn't have been able to do so.

Another thing you did wrong was leave a bit of your draft chapter in the prologue. That scene with the mother with a knife in her throat was followed by the note scene. You should remove it. It didn't feel like a part of a dream.

Your characters are not fleshed out. You should work on that.
(I am not trying to insult your work, just telling you what I saw after reading the first 10k words. Which is my standard for giving a review.)
Thanks for the criticism! I'll take note of it
 

doravg

103/4001 (too lazy to count the stories again.)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
1,883
Points
153
Hey ! Am i too late to the party ? Are you still doing reviews ? If you are then please check out mine.
Cliche Story of a Mob Villain
I do have several unedited chapter for the same , if you want that for a better idea. I can also share that.
I said no GL. Besides, your story needs a lot of fixing up, when it comes to the grammar.
 

Ay89AZ

Member
Joined
Jul 5, 2021
Messages
19
Points
18
If anyone has time, please check out one of my pieces. I am trying to improve so please be specific about the things you think is messing with the flow, the language etc.
 

lost_cause

Member
Joined
Jul 9, 2022
Messages
11
Points
18
I said no GL. Besides, your story needs a lot of fixing up, when it comes to the grammar.
Although I do agree to the later ,but ITS NOT GL.
But you don't need to Review it , Since you have already given me advices prior. Thank You.
 
Last edited:

doravg

103/4001 (too lazy to count the stories again.)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
1,883
Points
153
Hello, would you do mine please? (BL) Crowfeather (The Marwaithyr Rift Part One) | Scribble Hub
thank you so much (just the first few chapters no need to do the whole thing so far unless you actually want to)
Done. It was a lovely read, professionally written, with good grammar and all.
If anyone has time, please check out one of my pieces. I am trying to improve so please be specific about the things you think is messing with the flow, the language etc.
done
 
Last edited:

TheHaoboSpatula

Active member
Joined
Jan 6, 2022
Messages
7
Points
43
Here's mine, it's a psychological school-life light novel similar to Classroom of the Elite.
 

doravg

103/4001 (too lazy to count the stories again.)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
1,883
Points
153
Here's mine, it's a psychological school-life light novel similar to Classroom of the Elite.
Done. I have to admit school drama is not my thing, but I tried to give it the attention it deserves in the review. I hope I don't disappoint.
 
Top