Writing I NEEED your opinions. ｡ﾟ(*´□`)ﾟ｡

[kokiboki]

[This is a copied and pasted chapter of My Sweet Wife Doesn’t Like Humans, It's supposed to be a tragic, tragic type of story but I don't think it's none of that. Should I change the genre and the tags? I'm feeling a little conflicted I'm not crying a single tear as I read it.
It's short maybe 810 words and 4,346 characters except for the A/n. I wanted to write more words but I ran out of ideas.]
[A/n: Do not worry this story has been proofread, edited, and revised many times for you to enjoy this story. If you like to continue reading this novel add it to your library. Please rate it from 1-10 and give suggestions because I'm always on writer's block and have low creativity with a low passion for doing anything... I hope you enjoy it. ^^]

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Chapter 1: G-ghost!?

Inside a dimly lighted room, a woman lay on the floor under a pool of her blood pouring from her head as a man hugged the woman, muttering under his breath with distraught resting upon his face.

Holding her in his embrace, he shook her stiff, motionless body, attempting to revive her from her eternal nap.

"Peijing! please wake up—I promise we'll go for a walk together! Didn't you say you wanted to see the Cherry Blossoms bloom?"

He whispered, with tears threatening to fall from his eyes. Someone walked from behind him and tapped his shoulder. "she's gone". The man slapped the person's hand away in anger, "She's just sleeping.".

During the same time, a woman lay on a hospital bed reading a book, As her relatives sat by her bedside, She didn't look up from the novel she was reading to say one thing to them she couldn't bear to look at them and talk eye to eye.

It was overwhelming.

She's dying and there's nothing they can do about it. She barely has time left. Shakily grabbed a pencil and paper from the nightstand. The woman writes what she wanted to say to her family.

I'm sorry that you had to see me in this condition.

She thought while closing her book and settling aside the pencil and paper. She rested her eyelids as she laid back on the soft white bed. Thinking back to the way she used to live... She never had a childhood of a normal child.

She spent her days in and out of the hospital that permanently came to be her home at age 14.

Her family did the best they could to make her happy and never sad. All they wanted was for her to be healthy and strong but she failed to make that dream of theirs come true. Her health didn't get better but it.. worsened gradually over time.

•••

It suddenly smelled like wet damp wood and rotten mold and it no longer felt like a soft warm bed. Is this the afterlife? She heard there was a waiting room and someone will hold a big book and read out all your sins and decide whether you were eligible to enter the gates of heaven or fall below with the devil for eternity.

But it seems that it must be fake—something her grandmother said to trick her into being a good kid.

Opening her eyes, she looked around but couldn't see a thing and moved her arms and legs. It felt like she was in a small confined space. Is this a coffin? Oh lord.

Outside the confined space she rested in, Two young men in ragged apparel that had patches and the thread which put the garbs together looked weak and at any minute their clothing would fall apart.

They hold a coffin which suddenly starts violently shaking side to side

The two men in rugged clothing dropped it hastily as if they were holding something hot ...like fire.

The men slowly opened it.. inside laid a woman staring at them eye to eye with a fierce expression drawn upon her face. Opening her, mouth she spoke:

"Set me free."

"G-ghost!---There's a ghost help!!" One of them said screaming and running away in fear.

Not too far away stood the silhouette of a man holding a banquet of artificial small roses. [modern_footnote]Can't afford to get real ones. [/modern_footnote]



My beloved gem is alive..?!



Running towards the wooden birch opened the coffin, He hugs the lady startling her."Peijing!My love are you okay? Are you feeling alright?!" He asked in a worried and yet dreadful tone. This could all be a dream...And he does not want it to end.

•••



"What do you mean? That's not my name! My name is Nanan--! How many times do I have to tell you?..." Nannan said trying to push away this guy who keeps calling her 'Peijing', it's getting on her nerves now.

He's not even explaining why he's calling her that. This man must be crazy for sure he must be.



Something finally clicked in her head.



When she finally saw her appearance in front of her stood a large hand mirror her reflection was not something she was expecting. Where did her pale unhealthy skin go? Where did her birthmark go?

She used to have a large spot on her face that reached her mouth to her eye on the right side of her face. It's gone!



This is not my body! Did I swap bodies with someone?



She thought panicking as she held her face almost pulling her hair from its roots. Why did God give her a second chance at life inside another body? Someone else body.

The original soul of this body must be feeling sad that a horrible ghost took over its veneer.

 

[RavenRunes]

ok.
You go from past tense to present a few times and it's unclear if you mean to do this and if so, what effect you're trying to achieve.
You have some capital letters after commas.
'With distraught resting on his face' - word isn't used that way. He could look or feel distraught but he can't have it resting on his face. Besides that, 'resting' suggests a different emotion. 'Serenity resting upon his face' would work...sorry, not explaining the usage very well but you can look it up.
The internal thoughts - this is a matter of style, but I like to use italics and I don't put 'he thought' afterwards. If I did, it would be on the same line: This is not my body! She panicked, pulling at her hair. (btw, unless she has facial hair she can't really hold her face AND pull her hair by the roots at the same time)
Lastly, (and there is more I could say but I have limited time) - I'd be careful about saying things like 'pale unhealthy skin'. I know (hope) you don't intend it this way, but 'pale' doesn't automatically imply ill health.

If it's an opening chapter, it's not quite snappy enough to catch my attention, not as it is. But it could be, if it were cleaned up a bit. Give us an idea of who these people are/were, and what they want.

 

[LilRora]

I wouldn't say it's bad, though there are quite a few things you could fix as RavenDunes wrote. A tragic story doesn't have to bring you to tears, especially if it's you writing it in 3rd perspective. The strongest emotional reactions are from characters you deeply identify yourself with, and here, with the story just beginning, I doubt even you as the author can say you identify yourself with the character.

At least, if you see it as a tragedy, I don't see a problem with tagging it as such. In my opinion though there have been too few scenes that would make readers understand the characters and put themselves in their places, making the impact of this scene not as large as you imagined it to be.

If you first did a whole ~2-3k words chapter describing how they've got together and were living happily, it would be a different matter, but you don't have to do that. In my personal opinion you need to be feeling the emotions you want to convey by yourself if you want the scene really hitting home, but that, unfortunately, isn't something I can help with. Though from the top of my head I'd recommend you to see Bloody Æther on Scribble. It shows how the emotions are conveyed in words and how the mood is set up really well.

 

[Theirl]

For something to be tragic doesnt it need a set up?

 

[greyblob]

you lack a great amount of details and descriptions

 

[ModernGold7ne]

Honest Feedback​

No build up to the major moment, lack of tone, no reason to be attached to characters we've just met.
Word flow needs some work, there's sudden transitions.
Lack of hook to capture your reader.

I don't do opinions when giving reviews since I often read what I rather not so all I gave were facts.

 

[human]

It's ok. There should be no problem with the tag. There are some things that I feel could be improved tho.

I get where the tragedy is, but it's not set up at all. It's hard to sympathize with a tragic event that happened to some characters that I was just introduced to. Take some time to set up the characters so I can feel things. For example, this line:

"Peijing! please wake up—I promise we'll go for a walk together! Didn't you say you wanted to see the Cherry Blossoms bloom?"

It would have much more impact if I actually knew that Peijing wanted to see the cherry blossoms bloom beforehand. For example, in Oshi no Ko, we see how the main characters see their mother, and idols as a whole. We understand how they were influenced by their

Spoiler

mom in their previous lives

, how it influences them and their goals, and so on before

Spoiler

Ai gets shanked

.

There are also some other issues. In these sentences:

Shakily grabbed a pencil and paper from the nightstand. The woman writes what she wanted to say to her family.

The past tense is used in one sentence, then the present tense is used in the next one. Kinda weird to read, imo.

Some letters here should be capital letters.

"Peijing! please wake up

"she's gone"

Also, in my opinion, some parts don't read well.

 

[LABmaiL]

I feel like the most enjoyable 'villains' are those who are smart, charismatic, and loyal. There's something fun about having a really likable, reasonable villain. The type of villain that still opposes the main character and provides conflict, but does it due to good intentions rather than bad. Honorable villains are fun when written well. My best example off the top of my head is Kisame. He's absolutely a villain, but he's also just a guy with a vision.

 

[KiraMinoru]

As everyone else pointed out context is lacking. The process of how you got there. A scene isn’t a sad one that will make people tear up without it’s high points preceding it.

A way around this is to touch on a subject the reader could relate to using analogies. For example equating it to and reminding them of the pain felt when losing a dog or pet they cared for from a young age, a family member, mother, father, etc. Reminding them of how hard that someone worked to death, listing and giving off specific examples.

Another problem is you haven’t painted the picture well enough. In a scene you want to be memorable, you need to incorporate all five senses to set the mood. The bitter taste in their mouth, the scent of death lingering in the air, the cries surrounding them mourning one’s death, the looks of heartache and agony in ones eyes, biting their trembling lips holding back tears yet they still trickle out, the feeling of warmth gradually turning cold on their hands as the remnants of life slowly fades away and their eyes grow dim, listless, devoid of everything with nothing left behind.

One’s first meeting can be a good builder before presenting the death. Doing so can create a heavy contrast in scenes. It creates a sense of dissonance. For example, starting off by remembering their first time meeting and describing it vividly in detail.

How they met when he was at their lowest point in life in despair. When she held her hand out to him in that dark abyss. The rays of light casting a glare in his eyes as he looked up to her squinting to try and make out her image. She was like an angel sent from above to take him out of that hole he’d fallen into. Only to be mercilessly snatched away.

 

[kokiboki]

It's ok. There should be no problem with the tag. There are some things that I feel could be improved tho.

I get where the tragedy is, but it's not set up at all. It's hard to sympathize with a tragic event that happened to some characters that I was just introduced to. Take some time to set up the characters so I can feel things. For example, this line:

It would have much more impact if I actually knew that Peijing wanted to see the cherry blossoms bloom beforehand. For example, in Oshi no Ko, we see how the main characters see their mother, and idols as a whole. We understand how they were influenced by their

Spoiler

mom in their previous lives

, how it influences them and their goals, and so on before

Spoiler

Ai gets shanked

.

There are also some other issues. In these sentences:

The past tense is used in one sentence, then the present tense is used in the next one. Kinda weird to read, imo.

Some letters here should be capital letters.



Also, in my opinion, some parts don't read well.

Alright will do.