My Free Feedback Thread

Proctor

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2021
Messages
43
Points
58
I've created this thread in the hope of honing my self-editing skills. If you do post here looking for a review, do note that it may take a while - from hours to days - to get back to you depending on my circumstances. (work, my writing, etc.)

What to expect: An amateur's general opinion of what I saw, what I liked and didn't like, mentions of general narrative structure, and grammar if it stands out too much. I'll generally go through a handful of chapters to get a feel before I reply.
What not to expect: A paid editor's overview. I'm not one of those.

A couple of things before you post:
- Let me know if you want it on SH or here. I'm gentler on SH due to the nature of the rating system, while I won't hold back as much here. If you want an example, I go by the same name on the main site and have already done a few reviews before. (Probably better to look at the 3 and 4-star ones.)​
- If you don't specify, I'll just assume you wanted it here and will act as such.​
- I won't review stories with these elements: Scat, Golden Showers (If it's super mild, okay), Fetishized Rape, Snuff (unless it's shown as horror), Netorare, Netorase, Vore, Pedophilia.​
- I am not a beta reader. Please refrain from jumping back into the queue with the same story unless the rewrite you're giving me has at least a handful of chapters to go off of. This doesn't apply for the first time, this is just so I don't end up being someone's chapter-by-chapter editor.​
Preference Sheet:
(Note that I'll read anything except what I explicitly stated above, this is just to give you an idea of the kind of person I am so you can gauge whether or not I'm within your target audience if that matters.)
Love It: Soft Sci-fi, Mystery, Harem, Action, Adventure, Comedy, Romance, Seinen.
Like It: Fantasy, Horror, Ecchi, Adult, Mature, Girls Love, Mecha, Smut, Supernatural.
Neutral: Hard Sci-fi, LitRPG, Gender Bender, Drama, Historical, Isekai, Josei, Martial Arts, Psychological, School Life, Slice of Life, Tragedy, Incest, Furry.
Dislike: Fanfiction, Sports, Boys Love, Futanari, Asshole MC.

I guess that's it for now. If I remember something I'll be sure to add it to this post.
 
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DonutLuver

Active member
Joined
Feb 7, 2022
Messages
61
Points
33
Please review it on here! :blobtaco:


It's only three chapters so hopefully it will be quick and painless. Haha (plus even tho there is a trigger warning for gore - my story doesn't have gore yet, at least not for like another 30 chapters)
 

royalnobody

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2022
Messages
7
Points
18

Here's mine, in all honesty it's probably pretty bad but I want to know how to improve.
 

Proctor

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2021
Messages
43
Points
58
Please review it on here! :blobtaco:


It's only three chapters so hopefully it will be quick and painless. Haha (plus even tho there is a trigger warning for gore - my story doesn't have gore yet, at least not for like another 30 chapters)

First off, thanks for giving me a go. I'm relatively new here so I guess the best way to advertise myself is with an example.

I see you went with smut out of the gate, which is quite the ballsy choice. You mentioned in your author's note that readers can expect a 50/50 split between porn and plot, but since you started with smut the reader's mind will have an impression that sex is the narrative's foundation while the plot is the window dressing. I just wanted to point this out first in case the opposite was what you were going for.

As for my gut instinct, I'd probably give this story a couple more chapters before I decide to leave it or not, though my lean is more toward dropping. Taste-wise, I have a preference for the male viewpoint when it comes to smut, and I get a bit anxious when sex is used in crueler undertones without prior consent. On the other hand, going with a unique viewpoint and theme on the harem genre is something that appeals to me, where you seemed to relate the idea of this certain harem as a soulless entity used entirely for power and political reasons.

While I read, two things stood out to me: Unintentional simple sentence abundance and over-telling.

Simple sentence abundance is an odd one to talk about, but I'll try my best:

There are instances in novels where authors deliberately tone down complex and compound sentences to get across the viewpoint of their main character, mainly to show intellectual simplicity or a pattern of thought that might be alien to the average human. However, in your novel, I think you fell into the 'choppiness' trap, where a lack of varied sizes in your sentence and paragraph structuring causes 'flow' issues.

'Questions exploded in Claire’s mind.
Groaning, she rubbed her forehead with her thumb and forefinger.
She hissed from her fingers, throbbing in pain.
The nails were chewed up almost down to the quick.'


On its own, this section of four paragraphs might seem alright, but my point is that large swathes of the novel have about the same flow and rhythm to them. I think what's happening is that you seem to love paused emphasis in your writing, where you want all sorts of phrases to stand out on their own like their own punchline without relying too much on description. However, I'd argue that this makes the story choppy to read as all these phrases clamor to be stars but end up drowning the stage in light, leaving the audience overstimulated.

People tend to simplify their sentences when it comes to the action segments or moments of high tension; places where you want the reader to pick up the pace. Another notable thing is that large strings of uninterrupted, short dialogue segments also quicken the pace. You're actually rather okay at this, so I don't have much to say here other than perhaps you do it too much.

Over-telling is a more obvious one to point out: The lack of strong verbs and liberal use of filter words causes most of your story to come off as an exposition rather than an experience. I know people have their subjective opinion about how much an individual should use adjectives and adverbs in their story, but a tip I like to leave authors is the [Ctrl + F] function. If you type 'ly' in the search bar, it will highlight the majority of instances where you used weaker verbs. You can decide whether or not you want to change them into something more visceral or leave them if the point was to tell and move on.

The grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong or not take my suggestions)
‘Unconsciously, her hand pressed against her side. “H-how did I die again?” Pressure behind her eyes built.’
The last sentence is weird. I honestly didn't understand it. Pressure due to stress, I assume? The fact I had to think it over feels like it is an issue in clarity.

‘“Open up, 007869.” Their voice was feminine, wrapped in cold steel.’
I get what you're going for with the figurative language, but this can also imply that Mistress Dread's voice is coated in steel in a literal sense the way it's written. Kind of a badass image, now that I think about it.

‘His tone was quiet but demanded your full attention.’
This is probably a personal preference on my end, but the second tense stood out to me in a bad way.

‘Heat suffused her cheek’
Cheeks, I assume.

‘Though the room looked clean at first glance, if she looked at the walls carefully, there were signs of mildew and mould growing in the four corners of the room.’
Redundancy with 'the room'. I think it's better to rework the entire sentence for clarity.

‘If it weren't for Claire's own expressive eyes shining in the girl's eyes, she was sure that this was a girl who had given up on life.’
Sounds weird. Eyes inside eyes? I understand the reference (light in the pupils to signify a will to live) but it's too easy to take this literally and have a double take.

‘Nothing of this body resembled Claire's old body.’
Maybe reword it a little? It sounds janky in my opinion.

The girl in front of her was positively throwing a tantrum. "Shut up. I don't care. Go away while I'm still being nice, bitch."
Unintentional action tag. Makes it look like the bully said the line instead of Claire.

‘She stared at her unusual pink eyes. There was no way those were coloured contact lenses. Claire was tempted to poke her eyes to check but decided that that was foolish.’
It isn’t as scary as it seems to take out a contact lens. Like a pinching motion with your hands, tweezers style.

SH wise, I'd give you a 4. Truthfully, it's square on 3. Not offensive, but doesn't appeal to me overall.
 
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DonutLuver

Active member
Joined
Feb 7, 2022
Messages
61
Points
33
First off, thanks for giving me a go. I'm relatively new here so I guess the best way to advertise myself is with an example.

I see you went with smut out of the gate, which is quite the ballsy choice. You mentioned in your author's note that readers can expect a 50/50 split between porn and plot, but since you started with smut the reader's mind will have an impression that sex is the narrative's foundation while the plot is the window dressing. I just wanted to point this out first in case the opposite was what you were going for.

As for my gut instinct, I'd probably give this story a couple more chapters before I decide to leave it or not, though my lean is more toward dropping. Taste-wise, I have a preference for the male viewpoint when it comes to smut, and I get a bit anxious when sex is used in crueler undertones without prior consent. On the other hand, going with a unique viewpoint and theme on the harem genre is something that appeals to me, where you seemed to relate the idea of this certain harem as a soulless entity used entirely for power and political reasons.

While I read, two things stood out to me: Unintentional simple sentence abundance and over-telling.

Simple sentence abundance is an odd one to talk about, but I'll try my best:

There are instances in novels where authors deliberately tone down complex and compound sentences to get across the viewpoint of their main character, mainly to show intellectual simplicity or a pattern of thought that might be alien to the average human. However, in your novel, I think you fell into the 'choppiness' trap, where a lack of varied sizes in your sentence and paragraph structuring causes 'flow' issues.

'Questions exploded in Claire’s mind.
Groaning, she rubbed her forehead with her thumb and forefinger.
She hissed from her fingers, throbbing in pain.
The nails were chewed up almost down to the quick.'


On its own, this section of four paragraphs might seem alright, but my point is that large swathes of the novel have about the same flow and rhythm to them. I think what's happening is that you seem to love paused emphasis in your writing, where you want all sorts of phrases to stand out on their own like their own punchline without relying too much on description. However, I'd argue that this makes the story choppy to read as all these phrases clamor to be stars but end up drowning the stage in light, leaving the audience overstimulated.

People tend to simplify their sentences when it comes to the action segments or moments of high tension; places where you want the reader to pick up the pace. Another notable thing is that large strings of uninterrupted, short dialogue segments also quicken the pace. You're actually rather okay at this, so I don't have much to say here other than perhaps you do it too much.

Over-telling is a more obvious one to point out: The lack of strong verbs and liberal use of filter words causes most of your story to come off as an exposition rather than an experience. I know people have their subjective opinion about how much an individual should use adjectives and adverbs in their story, but a tip I like to leave authors is the [Ctrl + F] function. If you type 'ly' in the search bar, it will highlight the majority of instances where you used weaker verbs. You can decide whether or not you want to change them into something more visceral or leave them if the point was to tell and move on.

The grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong or not take my suggestions)
‘Unconsciously, her hand pressed against her side. “H-how did I die again?” Pressure behind her eyes built.’
The last sentence is weird. I honestly didn't understand it. Pressure due to stress, I assume? The fact I had to think it over feels like it is an issue in clarity.

‘“Open up, 007869.” Their voice was feminine, wrapped in cold steel.’
I get what you're going for with the figurative language, but this can also imply that Mistress Dread's voice is coated in steel in a literal sense the way it's written. Kind of a badass image, now that I think about it.

‘His tone was quiet but demanded your full attention.’
This is probably a personal preference on my end, but the second tense stood out to me in a bad way.

‘Heat suffused her cheek’
Cheeks, I assume.

‘Though the room looked clean at first glance, if she looked at the walls carefully, there were signs of mildew and mould growing in the four corners of the room.’
Redundancy with 'the room'. I think it's better to rework the entire sentence for clarity.

‘If it weren't for Claire's own expressive eyes shining in the girl's eyes, she was sure that this was a girl who had given up on life.’
Sounds weird. Eyes inside eyes? I understand the reference (light in the pupils to signify a will to live) but it's too easy to take this literally and have a double take.

‘Nothing of this body resembled Claire's old body.’
Maybe reword it a little? It sounds janky in my opinion.

The girl in front of her was positively throwing a tantrum. "Shut up. I don't care. Go away while I'm still being nice, bitch."
Unintentional action tag. Makes it look like the bully said the line instead of Claire.

‘She stared at her unusual pink eyes. There was no way those were coloured contact lenses. Claire was tempted to poke her eyes to check but decided that that was foolish.’
It isn’t as scary as it seems to take out a contact lens. Like a pinching motion with your hands, tweezers style.

SH wise, I'd give you a 4. Truthfully, it's square on 3. Not offensive, but doesn't appeal to me.
Thank you! Love all the suggestions! I'm still learning the craft haha. I know my story won't be a story that would hit trending or really have a future - BUT I would never say no to improving - even if it's for a smut story!

Thank you again ❤️❤️❤️❤️
 

RainingSky

Coffee lover (addict)
Joined
Aug 8, 2021
Messages
117
Points
83

If you like to, I am always up for feedback to improve. Just go ahead and review it here.
 

Proctor

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2021
Messages
43
Points
58

Here's mine, in all honesty it's probably pretty bad but I want to know how to improve.
(You didn’t mention where you wanted it, so I’ll assume you wanted it here. Guess I’ll put that in my disclaimer for the future.)

What immediately catches me is your synopsis; or lack of one. You should be aware that such a simple rendition of your synopsis means that you’re riding entirely on the fact that the concept alone (a talking sword) will entice readers to continue onto the first chapter. If you’re okay with that, so be it, but I’d argue that you need a more detailed overview of what this story is if you want to convert curiosity into readership.

One simple fact is that talking swords exist in many forms already, so it might be better for readers to know what makes your talking sword story unique to the multiverse of others out there.

As for Slice-of-life, compared to plot-heavy narratives, stories in this genre ride or die on how well crafted their characters are and the entertainment value between each character’s interactions, particularly in dialogue and their motivations. I generally don’t recommend this genre to new writers, as it is not easy.

My feelings on the handful of chapters I read are mixed. While a bit simple in presentation, the dynamic between an antisocial straight-woman MC and ‘Big Daddy Meat Lord’ (the sword) makes for cute moments and safe punchlines.

I can see that the MC’s overall motivation is to live her life in peace, but ultimately her lesson to learn is that she won’t be able to live a satisfying life without coming out of her shell and making peace with her past. All things considered, this is a pretty solid character arc to witness. ‘Big Daddy Meat Lord’ and his past having mirror elements to the MC tells me you did plan this out to a degree, which is always nice to see.

The problem lies in the safety and sameness; outside of the concept, you’re not making this story pop out enough to reel me into an immersive experience. This seems to come down to your fear of overusing exposition – you even mentioned so in your author notes – but the truth is that it has caused you to not be playful enough in describing your world outside of strict, mechanical necessity.

The key thing to remember is that exposition can be fun. One general trick is to make it do double duty. In fact, you’ve already done this, like in chapter four where ‘Big Daddy Meat Lord’ teaches the MC how to make the garbage school food taste better with his zany tutorial and how he tried to trick her into making a public spectacle of herself. Not only did you highlight the fact that the food is awful, but it also shows the reader how much experience ‘Big Daddy Meat Lord’ has and how little the institution changed in this aspect.

I also think you're a bit shy about using descriptions as well. You have a habit of leaning on your dialogue to get a lot of your narrative voice across, while you seem to only dabble on detail in the form of prose when you must. I know it's an obvious thing to say, but you won't be able to improve in these areas without having a genuine go at them.

Grammar-wise, I didn't notice enough wrong to compile a list for you. A lot of your problems come in the more subjective, general areas instead. I will say I'm not the biggest fan of blatant onomatopoeia though, like the 'Boom! Boom! Boom!' in chapter 5.

SH wise, I’d give you a 3. No truth adjustment here, since it’d be the same either way.
 
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royalnobody

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2022
Messages
7
Points
18
(You didn’t mention where you wanted it, so I’ll assume you wanted it here. Guess I’ll put that in my disclaimer for the future.)

What immediately catches me is your synopsis; or lack of one. You should be aware that such a simple rendition of your synopsis means that you’re riding entirely on the fact that the concept alone (a talking sword) will entice readers to continue onto the first chapter. If you’re okay with that, so be it, but I’d argue that you need a more detailed overview of what this story is if you want to convert curiosity into readership.

One simple fact is that talking swords exist in many forms already, so it might be better for readers to know what makes your talking sword story unique to the multiverse of others out there.

As for Slice-of-life, compared to plot-heavy narratives, stories in this genre ride or die on how well crafted their characters are and the entertainment value between each character’s interactions, particularly in dialogue and their motivations. I generally don’t recommend this genre to new writers, as it is not easy.

My feelings on the handful of chapters I read are mixed. While a bit simple in presentation, the dynamic between an antisocial straight-woman MC and ‘Big Daddy Meat Lord’ (the sword) makes for cute moments and safe punchlines.

I can see that the MC’s overall motivation is to live her life in peace, but ultimately her lesson to learn is that she won’t be able to live a satisfying life without coming out of her shell and making peace with her past. All things considered, this is a pretty solid character arc to witness. ‘Big Daddy Meat Lord’ and his past having mirror elements to the MC tells me you did plan this out to a degree, which is always nice to see.

The problem lies in the safety and sameness; outside of the concept, you’re not making this story pop out enough to reel me into an immersive experience. This seems to come down to your fear of overusing exposition – you even mentioned so in your author notes – but the truth is that it has caused you to not be playful enough in describing your world outside of strict, mechanical necessity.

The key thing to remember is that exposition can be fun. One general trick is to make it do double duty. In fact, you’ve already done this, like in chapter four where ‘Big Daddy Meat Lord’ teaches the MC how to make the garbage school food taste better with his zany tutorial and how he tried to trick her into making a public spectacle of herself. Not only did you highlight the fact that the food is awful, but it also shows the reader how much experience ‘Big Daddy Meat Lord’ has and how little the institution changed in this aspect.

I also think you're a bit shy about using descriptions as well. You have a habit of leaning on your dialogue to get a lot of your narrative voice across, while you seem to only dabble on detail in the form of prose when you must. I know it's an obvious thing to say, but you won't be able to improve in these areas without having a genuine go at them.

Grammar-wise, I didn't notice enough wrong to compile a list for you. A lot of your problems come in the more subjective, general areas instead. I will say I'm not the biggest fan of blatant onomatopoeia though, like the 'Boom! Boom! Boom!' in chapter 5.

SH wise, I’d give you a 3. No truth adjustment here, since it’d be the same either way.
Thank you very much. I'll keep that in mind for later chapters
 

ModernGold7ne

That fly you can't swat.
Joined
Nov 25, 2020
Messages
309
Points
103
I could use some feedback if you're willing, I have an average of 1354 words per chapter, 15k words and 12 chapters total.


If you like it, you can post the feedback in the review section, or if you think it's unworthy you can go ahead and post it here.
 

Zinless

How do I
Joined
Jun 13, 2022
Messages
361
Points
108

I hope you can take a look at mine. I'm still a new writer, so I have a lot of issues to fix.
 

BenJepheneT

Light Up Gold - Parquet Courts
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
5,344
Points
233
Writers are spoiled with feedback threads like these. Though most of the time, they last around 3 pages before fizzling out, it's still something totally undeserved yet we keep receiving.

As an unequal but attempted exchange, I'll give you three different works from yours truly for you to choose which one to give a feedback on. You're also free to go with all 3. All the power to me and you.

I'll take the flogging publicly too, thank you.




Main tags: Action, Drama, Furries

This is a story about a wolf who's great at kicking the shit out of others getting the shit kicked out of him because he refused to kick the shit out of others.

Though it has Action as its first tag it's more of a slow-burn character melodrama. Think of something in the same vein of Beastars which I'm repeatedly accused of plagiarising (on god I already have Caninstinct's concept down a year before the anime announcement came it's serendipity I swear)

If you can't tell, yes, it's got anthropomorphic animals on it. I'll invite you to put down precognitions and dive into this with an open mind. Some have done so and are met with favourable results, so why not go for it and let me pop that furry cherry for you?

I have to warn you that the first few chapters are done during my infancy into this medium, which means they aren't that good. You're free to skip chapters if you feel like they don't contribute much. The chapters average from 7k to even 16k words a pop, with 200k words total as of now, so it'll be understandable if you tap out from this.




Tags: Post-Apocalyptic, Action, Adventure (FanFic)

This series have been put on some lists as people's favourite series on this site, so it's probably doing something right to warrant such recognition.

This one's a Fallout fanfic that's less of a fanfic and more of an excuse to bastardise the world-building. If I have to put it in layman terms, you can consider this a fanfic like how Goblin Slayer is a fanfic to DnD.

Set in an unknown time after the Great War, Subjek is a lone, innocent subject who just so happens to be present in many events, important or trivial, happening throughout the wasteland. His main goal is to bury his maker's ashes under the ocean, which in a nuclear fallout, might prove to be a heavy task at hand.

It's my on-and-off series where I spend time there to take a break. Check it out, but don't hold any attachments to it.

Compared to Caninstinct, this one hits around 2k - 3k words per chapter, under 40k words in total, so a lighter read than what I've recommended before.




Tags: Slice-of-Life, Smut, Harem

Screenshot_20220730_200921.jpg


Screenshot_20220730_200821.jpg


It's porn.

It's got not only furries, but narcotics, homelessness, existential crisis, divine interventions, public footjobs, suicidal masochism, and blackmail, all in a compact 3k words per chapter, 60k+ words in total.

No snuff/watersports/underage shit, though. Well, there is some domestic violence, but trust me when I say the perpetrator is the victim in this.

Synopsis goes that a guy named Guy meets girls, involving himself into their stories while fucking them hardcore, interjected with some flashbacks in a non-linear story structure.

This is essentially my vice. My Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (without the skillful craft). It may be smut, but it does have some semblances of thematic work and characterization, though it's still mainly smut. Also, despite being porn, most of my focus goes to character interactions and dialogue, so take that as you will.



There, pick your poison, and have fun.
 
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Proctor

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2021
Messages
43
Points
58
Holy moly, I come back to see three more stories. I underestimated the demand, whoops. I’ll be going to sleep after this, so I'll try to get through the new backlog tomorrow.


If you like to, I am always up for feedback to improve. Just go ahead and review it here.

(You also didn’t specify, so you get my uneducated ramblings right here. By the way, is your PFP an AlchRove girl? Nice. I'm also a little tired, so I might wake up and re-edit this someday. I'll let you know if I do.)

There’s one issue in your story that trumps anything else I’ll say:

Your clarity needs work.

We’ll get to that, but I’ll give my overall feeling first. I got to about halfway in chapter 4 before stopping.

So, this seems to be a story about a family of villains, and the MC trying to make the best of her situation. I do have a soft spot for villainess stories, where the tension comes from political maneuvering and word-smiths condemning others with complex sophistry. I think you attempted to emulate that sort of story, and in a general sense, I'd say you succeeded.

I can also say with confidence that outside of Titania, her whole family has more than a few screws loose. You didn't hold back at all in showing the reader Raon's warped morality, Marcia's endless vanity, Chrysanthe's indulgent hedonism, and Cedric's twisted empathy. Indeed, quite an interesting family dynamic to read about.

I got a little bored when it came to the high school portion. I'd say this boils down to my personal preference, as magical schools rarely jibe with me, and you went with a lot of common tropes in it that didn't tickle my fancy.

Okay, now to the clarity issue. I'll preface this by saying that I'm going at your story with an eye on Orwellian Prose, which tends to prefer a more minimalist approach to creative writing.

First off, you have dialogue tags to an almost obsessive degree. It's better to tag characters with action beats instead while spacing your paragraphs based on primary actors speaking and acting. I'm not saying to purge every dialogue tag in hellfire, but cutting back on a good chunk would help with your prose's presentation and immersion.

You’ve also got this habit of redundant descriptions, where you make emphasis on the same thing multiple times in quick succession, only wording it differently.

"Pardon me for asking, Mother, but who have you decided on this time?" Raon asked, and their mother’s smile became even more dazzling. If it grew any more brilliant, Titania would have sworn her mother’s signature illusion magic was playing tricks on their minds. She could already envision the glittering flowers blooming behind her mother, placing all of them into a trance.

Not that their mother needed her magic to put a normal person in a trance. With her all-natural wavy blonde hair, light green eyes, flawless pale skin, and perfect hourglass figure, Marcia Tarajan was easily one of the most beautiful women in the city. Whenever she stepped into a room, every eye turned to her – some out of lust, and the rest out of envy. But, like any fair rose, her mother had thorns – very dangerous ones at that. Many men had come to Marcia wanting the power and influence that came with the Tarajan name, completely unprepared for the true viciousness Titania’s mother was capable of. The men had loved it when the fair rose draped herself on their arms, twisted around them lovingly, not noticing her mother’s thorns until they lay dying at her feet.

It’s almost like mind manipulation, the way she uses her beauty and body to her advantage. And her magic certainly compliments her well.

Her mother’s powerful illusion magic, combined with an endless ambition and ruthless, razor-sharp intelligence, was the main reason the Tarajan family had risen to the heights they had. Without her, they would probably be where her first husband had left them.

It took you 265 words, three different backstory expositional examples, and two thought descriptions from the MC dumped all at once to say that her mother was pretty, ruthless, and had illusion magic. The biggest drawback to writing in this style is that you have parts of it in 'showing' form already, but you bombard the reader with extra, telling expositions where it wasn't necessary. You're treating the reader like a baby and hand-holding them when you do it like this. Instead, my suggestion is to look for the examples that best show the qualities you want to convey, then cut the fat.

This habit carries over into your exposition, too. You'll mention something, explain it with a couple of quick examples, then when it comes up again, do the exact same song and dance. This happened less in the later chapters, but this is more related to how much you seemed to want to state that the MC's family is notorious, feared, and hated. I might have amnesia, but most people don't. Trust your reader.

The grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong or not take my suggestions)
‘Sometimes she stood there and watched people die; their threads of life fading away, their loved shedding bitter tears or standing there in stoical defiance not wanting to accept the reality. Or already having accepted it in the silence of their own minds.’
- ‘Loved ones shedding’, I’m assuming.
- The ‘own’ in the last sentence is technically a redundancy.

The moveless and moving faces; the aura of doom, of dread and the darkness.
- ‘The moveless and moving faces; the aura of doom, dread, and darkness.’

Funerals, inheritances, conflicts, melancholy, reminiscence, revenge and many more of adjective she could add to this, wondering if it all was worth it.
- ‘Funerals, inheritances, conflicts, melancholy, reminiscence, revenge, and many more adjectives she could add to this, wondering if it all was worth it.’
- There wasn’t a space between F and the period before it.
- Side note, even with the corrections, I’d go back to the drawing board with this one. Combined with the rest of the paragraph it sounds odd to the ear.

"Sirs, please release this woman of her restraints."
- ‘from’ not ‘of’ I think.

"Aaaaaahhhh!", someone screamed loudly.
- ‘loudly’ is a redundancy. A scream is implied to be loud.
- The comma after the dialogue is wrong.

"Raon, what did you bring with you?", she asked, and he smiled at her.
"My Mistress, a bite of fruit?", he asked with his soft, almost melodic voice, his face lit by a smile.

- The comma after the dialogue on both of them is wrong.

Most found it creepy, he was just a bit wrong in the head, she knew he was a good cookie at heart.
- I found this sentence odd. If I had to fiddle with this without going to the drawing board I’d try: ‘He was a bit wrong in the head, and most people found that creepy, but she knew he was a good cookie at heart.’

"I have to head to school now, goodbye.", she said and stood up waving the purple leafed monster tree goodbye as it hesitatingly let her finger go .
- The comma after the dialogue is wrong.
- There's a space between go and the period.
- Purple-leafed needs a hyphen.
- I'd throw this out and rework it, personally. It's probably better off as two or more sentences.

"Amita.", the teacher called her and they both put their hands down.
- The comma after the dialogue is wrong.
- Perhaps go for indirect dialogue instead. 'The teacher called for Amita, and both girls put their hands down.'

SH wise, I’d give you a 3. Truthfully, it's the same. The clarity issue is what brings it down for me. I also recommend reading up on your grammar rules or getting a program like Grammarly to help you with your editing process.
 

RainingSky

Coffee lover (addict)
Joined
Aug 8, 2021
Messages
117
Points
83
Holy moly, I come back to see three more stories. I underestimated the demand, whoops. I’ll be going to sleep after this, so I'll try to get through the new backlog tomorrow.



(You also didn’t specify, so you get my uneducated ramblings right here. By the way, is your PFP an AlchRove girl? Nice. I'm also a little tired, so I might wake up and re-edit this someday. I'll let you know if I do.)

There’s one issue in your story that trumps anything else I’ll say:

Your clarity needs work.

We’ll get to that, but I’ll give my overall feeling first. I got to about halfway in chapter 4 before stopping.

So, this seems to be a story about a family of villains, and the MC trying to make the best of her situation. I do have a soft spot for villainess stories, where the tension comes from political maneuvering and word-smiths condemning others with complex sophistry. I think you attempted to emulate that sort of story, and in a general sense, I'd say you succeeded.

I can also say with confidence that outside of Titania, her whole family has more than a few screws loose. You didn't hold back at all in showing the reader Raon's warped morality, Marcia's endless vanity, Chrysanthe's indulgent hedonism, and Cedric's twisted empathy. Indeed, quite an interesting family dynamic to read about.

I got a little bored when it came to the high school portion. I'd say this boils down to my personal preference, as magical schools rarely jibe with me, and you went with a lot of common tropes in it that didn't tickle my fancy.

Okay, now to the clarity issue. I'll preface this by saying that I'm going at your story with an eye on Orwellian Prose, which tends to prefer a more minimalist approach to creative writing.

First off, you have dialogue tags to an almost obsessive degree. It's better to tag characters with action beats instead while spacing your paragraphs based on primary actors speaking and acting. I'm not saying to purge every dialogue tag in hellfire, but cutting back on a good chunk would help with your prose's presentation and immersion.

You’ve also got this habit of redundant descriptions, where you make emphasis on the same thing multiple times in quick succession, only wording it differently.

"Pardon me for asking, Mother, but who have you decided on this time?" Raon asked, and their mother’s smile became even more dazzling. If it grew any more brilliant, Titania would have sworn her mother’s signature illusion magic was playing tricks on their minds. She could already envision the glittering flowers blooming behind her mother, placing all of them into a trance.

Not that their mother needed her magic to put a normal person in a trance. With her all-natural wavy blonde hair, light green eyes, flawless pale skin, and perfect hourglass figure, Marcia Tarajan was easily one of the most beautiful women in the city. Whenever she stepped into a room, every eye turned to her – some out of lust, and the rest out of envy. But, like any fair rose, her mother had thorns – very dangerous ones at that. Many men had come to Marcia wanting the power and influence that came with the Tarajan name, completely unprepared for the true viciousness Titania’s mother was capable of. The men had loved it when the fair rose draped herself on their arms, twisted around them lovingly, not noticing her mother’s thorns until they lay dying at her feet.

It’s almost like mind manipulation, the way she uses her beauty and body to her advantage. And her magic certainly compliments her well.

Her mother’s powerful illusion magic, combined with an endless ambition and ruthless, razor-sharp intelligence, was the main reason the Tarajan family had risen to the heights they had. Without her, they would probably be where her first husband had left them.

It took you 265 words, three different backstory expositional examples, and two thought descriptions from the MC dumped all at once to say that her mother was pretty, ruthless, and had illusion magic. The biggest drawback to writing in this style is that you have parts of it in 'showing' form already, but you bombard the reader with extra, telling expositions where it wasn't necessary. You're treating the reader like a baby and hand-holding them when you do it like this. Instead, my suggestion is to look for the examples that best show the qualities you want to convey, then cut the fat.

This habit carries over into your exposition, too. You'll mention something, explain it with a couple of quick examples, then when it comes up again, do the exact same song and dance. This happened less in the later chapters, but this is more related to how much you seemed to want to state that the MC's family is notorious, feared, and hated. I might have amnesia, but most people don't. Trust your reader.

The grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong or not take my suggestions)
‘Sometimes she stood there and watched people die; their threads of life fading away, their loved shedding bitter tears or standing there in stoical defiance not wanting to accept the reality. Or already having accepted it in the silence of their own minds.’
- ‘Loved ones shedding’, I’m assuming.
- The ‘own’ in the last sentence is technically a redundancy.

The moveless and moving faces; the aura of doom, of dread and the darkness.
- ‘The moveless and moving faces; the aura of doom, dread, and darkness.’

Funerals, inheritances, conflicts, melancholy, reminiscence, revenge and many more of adjective she could add to this, wondering if it all was worth it.
- ‘Funerals, inheritances, conflicts, melancholy, reminiscence, revenge, and many more adjectives she could add to this, wondering if it all was worth it.’
- There wasn’t a space between F and the period before it.
- Side note, even with the corrections, I’d go back to the drawing board with this one. Combined with the rest of the paragraph it sounds odd to the ear.

"Sirs, please release this woman of her restraints."
- ‘from’ not ‘of’ I think.

"Aaaaaahhhh!", someone screamed loudly.
- ‘loudly’ is a redundancy. A scream is implied to be loud.
- The comma after the dialogue is wrong.

"Raon, what did you bring with you?", she asked, and he smiled at her.
"My Mistress, a bite of fruit?", he asked with his soft, almost melodic voice, his face lit by a smile.

- The comma after the dialogue on both of them is wrong.

Most found it creepy, he was just a bit wrong in the head, she knew he was a good cookie at heart.
- I found this sentence odd. If I had to fiddle with this without going to the drawing board I’d try: ‘He was a bit wrong in the head, and most people found that creepy, but she knew he was a good cookie at heart.’

"I have to head to school now, goodbye.", she said and stood up waving the purple leafed monster tree goodbye as it hesitatingly let her finger go .
- The comma after the dialogue is wrong.
- There's a space between go and the period.
- Purple-leafed needs a hyphen.
- I'd throw this out and rework it, personally. It's probably better off as two or more sentences.

"Amita.", the teacher called her and they both put their hands down.
- The comma after the dialogue is wrong.
- Perhaps go for indirect dialogue instead. 'The teacher called for Amita, and both girls put their hands down.'

SH wise, I’d give you a 3. Truthfully, it's the same. The clarity issue is what brings it down for me. I also recommend reading up on your grammar rules or getting a program like Grammarly to help you with your editing process.
Thanks a lot for feedback 🙂

And my PFP is not an AlchRove Girl, it is a self made, original drawing like almost all my stuff.
 
Last edited:

Proctor

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2021
Messages
43
Points
58
I could use some feedback if you're willing, I have an average of 1354 words per chapter, 15k words and 12 chapters total.


If you like it, you can post the feedback in the review section, or if you think it's unworthy you can go ahead and post it here.

(Since you gave me a choice, I decided to put my review here.)

First off, I learned a new word. Soucouyant is something I’d never seen before, so thank you for that. I also got up to chapter 12, which I think is all the current releases.

So your prologue is quite colorful. Literally too. I have a few comments about how your color choice might hamper reader visibility, but I’ll try to tackle the narrative first.

I think you went for an omniscient narration touched with a hint of personality, where a computer-like deity gets bored one day and decides to reincarnate some poor smuck into a wild world filled with endless dangers. Admittedly, I did get confused by the point of view every now and again, as it did feel like some head hopping occurred despite it being omniscient narration. This is probably because outside of the scenes we see the deity talking to itself, the narrator doesn’t have a distinct enough voice to stand out.

On a conceptual level, there is a lot to like. The world is filled to the brim with strange and quaint animals, the trees curse, old ladies turn into cackling balls of flame, and the sea is foretold as a perilous danger. In terms of world building, this is very much a staple high fantasy, and I imagine readers looking for such things may enjoy that. I will point out that this high fantasy is a heavy contrast compared to your prologue, which felt more soft sci-fi in atmosphere.

The way Andrew acts in the story feels like a mix between character inconsistency and genuine identity crisis. The root of the issue here I think is twofold: There are heavy implications that some actions aren’t her own, and there doesn’t seem to be a defined line between choices that are squarely from ‘old Andrew’ and ‘fairy Andrew’. Like, I can see parts of both sides’ core identity (she’s hyper-curious, craven, and can’t help but run her mouth) but sometimes I get lost wondering if her choice came from her old self, her new self, or a forced one from the deity.

Faceless and their gender ambiguity is an interesting concept for their character, which I imagine got conceived as part of the story’s theme of choice and agency. However, I will mention that the choice of pronouns in the narrative clogs up the cadence, making sentences odd to read. Example:

‘Faceless would have smirked were he/she capable of such, she/he saw exactly what the knight did, though he/she chose to keep her/his cards close to his/her chest.’

I imagine you intended to give the audience an option of pronoun, let them roll with one or their own interpretation, and keep respectful clarity to the character’s profile. I’m no expert in this area, so I can’t offer you much advice, but I just wanted to point out that the usage right now can make the prose feel clunky and immersion-breaking at times.

So back to color. The choice was bold, but I think the palette you used can cause issues with readability. The first example is your cover: I can barely see the title and author name, and I’m not colorblind. I can scarcely imagine the difficulty trying to parse out words from that cover if I was.

Your author notes consistently mentioned that readers should switch to Scribblehub’s dark mode when reading because you also used color in the narrative. While I’ll concede that most Web Novel readers were probably in dark mode initially, I think this requirement alienates potential readers who might’ve given the story a go but prefer light mode instead. The more gates of entry a book has before people can attempt to read it, the more potential readers you lose.

Grammar-wise, I don’t have a pile for you, but I do have a couple of things I want to talk about.

I feel like you have this habit of wanting to cram multiple descriptions and actions as you can into some of your sentences, where you feel like you’ll get them all to combine into some super efficient machine. In my opinion, this instead feels like it backfires, where long descriptive scenes can feel like dragged out run-ons or at worst, come off as confusing. Examples:

‘Redrick, his cousin, and Taris were busy packing up their camp so that they could move on, somehow, some-way they managed to fit everything into a small non-elastic backpack.’

This first one is a run-on, I think. This is more likely to be two separate sentences.

‘“Of course not, that was just a nightmare he visualised, one he believed, the radiant he reached rank ten was the radiant of reckoning, he killed the sovereign before him and stole his seat of power, for the greater good he said,” Faceless replied before Andrew cut him/her off again.’

Another massive run-on. I was straight confused the first time reading it.

Next, I think you dump entire expositions in ways where they sometimes come off as unnatural. Like, I could tell that a certain moment was designed for that sole purpose and was then shoved into the narrative so the reader wouldn’t get lost instead of trying to make it blend in. These kind of ruin immersion, in my opinion, but I know it can be difficult to make exposition blend in or be fun.

Ultimately, I had a lot of trouble figuring out how I’d rate you since I was a bit torn. I rounded down and decided on a 3 for SH and 3.5 in truth. The lower SH score was more because it seems quite experimental so it might not jibe that much with the readers there.
 

ModernGold7ne

That fly you can't swat.
Joined
Nov 25, 2020
Messages
309
Points
103
(Since you gave me a choice, I decided to put my review here.)

First off, I learned a new word. Soucouyant is something I’d never seen before, so thank you for that. I also got up to chapter 12, which I think is all the current releases.

So your prologue is quite colorful. Literally too. I have a few comments about how your color choice might hamper reader visibility, but I’ll try to tackle the narrative first.

I think you went for an omniscient narration touched with a hint of personality, where a computer-like deity gets bored one day and decides to reincarnate some poor smuck into a wild world filled with endless dangers. Admittedly, I did get confused by the point of view every now and again, as it did feel like some head hopping occurred despite it being omniscient narration. This is probably because outside of the scenes we see the deity talking to itself, the narrator doesn’t have a distinct enough voice to stand out.

On a conceptual level, there is a lot to like. The world is filled to the brim with strange and quaint animals, the trees curse, old ladies turn into cackling balls of flame, and the sea is foretold as a perilous danger. In terms of world building, this is very much a staple high fantasy, and I imagine readers looking for such things may enjoy that. I will point out that this high fantasy is a heavy contrast compared to your prologue, which felt more soft sci-fi in atmosphere.

The way Andrew acts in the story feels like a mix between character inconsistency and genuine identity crisis. The root of the issue here I think is twofold: There are heavy implications that some actions aren’t her own, and there doesn’t seem to be a defined line between choices that are squarely from ‘old Andrew’ and ‘fairy Andrew’. Like, I can see parts of both sides’ core identity (she’s hyper-curious, craven, and can’t help but run her mouth) but sometimes I get lost wondering if her choice came from her old self, her new self, or a forced one from the deity.

Faceless and their gender ambiguity is an interesting concept for their character, which I imagine got conceived as part of the story’s theme of choice and agency. However, I will mention that the choice of pronouns in the narrative clogs up the cadence, making sentences odd to read. Example:

‘Faceless would have smirked were he/she capable of such, she/he saw exactly what the knight did, though he/she chose to keep her/his cards close to his/her chest.’

I imagine you intended to give the audience an option of pronoun, let them roll with one or their own interpretation, and keep respectful clarity to the character’s profile. I’m no expert in this area, so I can’t offer you much advice, but I just wanted to point out that the usage right now can make the prose feel clunky and immersion-breaking at times.

So back to color. The choice was bold, but I think the palette you used can cause issues with readability. The first example is your cover: I can barely see the title and author name, and I’m not colorblind. I can scarcely imagine the difficulty trying to parse out words from that cover if I was.

Your author notes consistently mentioned that readers should switch to Scribblehub’s dark mode when reading because you also used color in the narrative. While I’ll concede that most Web Novel readers were probably in dark mode initially, I think this requirement alienates potential readers who might’ve given the story a go but prefer light mode instead. The more gates of entry a book has before people can attempt to read it, the more potential readers you lose.

Grammar-wise, I don’t have a pile for you, but I do have a couple of things I want to talk about.

I feel like you have this habit of wanting to cram multiple descriptions and actions as you can into some of your sentences, where you feel like you’ll get them all to combine into some super efficient machine. In my opinion, this instead feels like it backfires, where long descriptive scenes can feel like dragged out run-ons or at worst, come off as confusing. Examples:

‘Redrick, his cousin, and Taris were busy packing up their camp so that they could move on, somehow, some-way they managed to fit everything into a small non-elastic backpack.’

This first one is a run-on, I think. This is more likely to be two separate sentences.

‘“Of course not, that was just a nightmare he visualised, one he believed, the radiant he reached rank ten was the radiant of reckoning, he killed the sovereign before him and stole his seat of power, for the greater good he said,” Faceless replied before Andrew cut him/her off again.’

Another massive run-on. I was straight confused the first time reading it.

Next, I think you dump entire expositions in ways where they sometimes come off as unnatural. Like, I could tell that a certain moment was designed for that sole purpose and was then shoved into the narrative so the reader wouldn’t get lost instead of trying to make it blend in. These kind of ruin immersion, in my opinion, but I know it can be difficult to make exposition blend in or be fun.

Ultimately, I had a lot of trouble figuring out how I’d rate you since I was a bit torn. I rounded down and decided on a 3 for SH and 3.5 in truth. The lower SH score was more because it seems quite experimental so it might not jibe that much with the readers there.
The only complain I got from my royalroad reviews was the overusage of he/she in chapter four, and chapter six, current chapters are all first drafts, I plan to rewrite them when I'm done with volume one.
Thanks for the feedback, didn't realise chapter eight had so many run on sentences, your critique was different.

On royalroad, most reviews talk about grammar, style, story, and characters, which I've never recieved a low rating for.

I'll keep what you wrote in mind, when I get to rewriting.
 

EternalSunset0

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
1,190
Points
153
I'm about to start uploading Volume 6 in a couple of days so I'll throw in mine. Forum feedback would be great.

It's pretty lengthy though since I'm going for an actual physical LN feel, so feel free to tell me where you stopped and your general impressions up to that point. Do take note that Volume 1 (and only Volume 1) has split chapters. Which makes it so that chapters 1 and 2 are one in the original writing, and so are 3 and 4, etc.

That's because I started out writing like 5-6k words per chapter then shortened them from Volume 2 onward.

As for what to expect? My sig says it all, but in case you're on mobile, think something like Persona or Under Birth In-Night with influences from actiony harem anime for the most basic comparison.

Fractal Plane: Awakener’s Pact | Scribble Hub
 

Proctor

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2021
Messages
43
Points
58

I hope you can take a look at mine. I'm still a new writer, so I have a lot of issues to fix.
(You didn’t specify, so you get my uneducated feedback here.)

I read all 30 chapters you had to offer at the time of my posting this review. You surprised me, and I guess I should elaborate on why.

To me, your story encapsulates the point that a powerful concept and colorful cast of characters can let people forgive the rawness of one’s prose. The biggest strength you display is your ability to grab basic, familiar tropes and twist them in a way that can be fun to read, especially for those familiar with the topics you tackle.

The concept alone carries a lot of your initial engagement to the point that you didn’t even have to dress up the title. While I have seen the idea tried before, most examples I can remember were from Chinese WNs, and they did an awful job of it. You on the other hand stayed faithful to the concept, despite the difficulties and your newbie technical style, and I am thankful for it.

I will say that having no cover makes you miss potential readers though, and your second paragraph in the synopsis isn’t the most engaging thing to see. The question at the end of the synopsis has an obvious answer to it, and I think you don’t give enough detail about the story to make it grab people who might be on the fence.

Plotwise, you let the story guide readers into asking simple yet addictive questions:

How is the MC going to use their two bodies to solve the problem at hand?
When will the author explain what that necklace does?
What is the whole deal about the reincarnated gods?
What little character twist is the author going to do next?

All of these are great at keeping a reader engaged and willing to click the next chapter. What’s even better is that the climaxes to each arc revolve around your concept, where you pit the MC against the current antagonist while having to synergize the two bodies' abilities in an effort to beat the odds. I will admit that these climaxes aren’t the most original on the planet, but my point is that you stick to your script of familiar with a minor twist and it all pays off.

I do have a complaint about all the onomatopeia in your action pieces. It might be a personal preference, but they always feel a bit too cartoony to read. One interesting tidbit you seem to do with them though is that you sometimes use it as a way to create emphasis for the next sentence or control the pacing, which is a rather advanced thing to do. This makes me assume you’re using them because you either can’t think of a way to integrate more choppy, action-esque prose to fill the gaps or you’re still learning more advanced verbs in English and decided to not risk it until you’re ready. Either reason is fine, but my suggestion is that you could try attempts in a separate draft so that you’re at least giving it a go (if you aren’t already).

Next is your characters. I see you went with an easy formula: Bump their core trait to eleven while having depth in their more realistic sub-traits. Because your story is light-hearted and utterly bombastic, this method works, as their core trait makes many characters stand out to a point that there’s rarely a dialogue tag in sight. You even help differentiate speakers by action beats almost exclusively, which surprised me.

Actually, I think that you lean on the side where you don’t have enough action beats or descriptions at times, as on occasion I did feel like I was witnessing a bit of talking head syndrome here and there or had to re-read to figure out who said what.

My favorite two characters are the Sister and the Princess, while my two favorite moments come from Carine’s parents. One particular stand out to me is that the way the Mother escaped her brainwashing didn’t feel like a copout because you established her character before the climax. It was because of a core conflict in her personality and the orders she was given, alongside the aftermath of the fight, that the issue was resolved.

I also want to point out that the way you gave the Sister an obsessive personality but knew to only have her around on occasion was a good idea. Her crazy shenanigans are best served in small doses, and her running gag with bandits is a certified hood classic.

Grammar-wise, your prose is, well… it is your weakest link by miles. The simplistic clarity is your saving grace, otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have made it far into the story at all.

You miss periods in almost every chapter.
You lean hard on ellipses to cover the flow of your narrative.
Sometimes you miss capitalizations.
There are set phrases you like to crutch on regularly to express certain emotions.
You have words like suddenly and immediately choking up the pace of your action scenes.

There’s almost certainly more to point out, but I’m not paid to do this, so I’ll unfortunately have to cut it short. The best advice I can give is to keep applying yourself while reading up on more advanced techniques so that your better elements get the prose they deserve.

Grammar-pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or not take my advice)
"No, the spy was in our last meeting"
"Yes, they trust me completely"
"Yes, it would seem that it's similar to Carine's too"
"Good night"
"...Yes"

- You miss the period or comma at the end of dialogue so often I’m not sure if this is a stylistic choice or not. If it is some style that I’m not aware of, fair enough, but if it isn’t, you need to end these dialogue tags properly.

I tucked my body into bed as i drift into sleep…
- ‘I’ is not capitalized.

Five dead bodies were lying around the room, the walls around the room are splattered with their blood.
- ‘around the room’ is mentioned twice in redundancy. Personally, I think it's better to turn this into two sentences anyway for a more punchy impact.

Princess Munith, Rene, and one of the members who is crouched against a wall on his knees are the only people in this room at this time.
-Tense issue with ‘is’.
- ‘alive’ is missing, otherwise, you’re implying that Munith obliterated the other five guys into non-existence, despite mentioning corpses and blood the sentence before.

You get a 4 for SH, and a 3.5 if I were honest. Your foundations in concept, plot, and character are basic yet solid, while all of your minus points come solely from your grammar and prose.
 
Last edited:

Edd99

Member
Joined
Jul 11, 2022
Messages
22
Points
18
I've created this thread in the hope of honing my self-editing skills. If you do post here looking for a review, do note that it may take a while - from hours to days - to get back to you depending on my circumstances. (work, my writing, etc.)

What to expect: An amateur's general opinion of what I saw, what I liked and didn't like, mentions of general narrative structure, and grammar if it stands out too much. I'll generally go through a handful of chapters to get a feel before I reply.
What not to expect: A paid editor's overview. I'm not one of those.

A couple of things before you post:
- Let me know if you want it on SH or here. I'm gentler on SH due to the nature of the rating system, while I won't hold back as much here. If you want an example, I go by the same name on the main site and have already done a few reviews before. (Probably better to look at the 3 and 4-star ones.)​
- If you don't specify, I'll just assume you wanted it here and will act as such.​
- I won't review stories with these elements: Scat, Golden Showers (If it's super mild, okay), Fetishized Rape, Snuff (unless it's shown as horror), Netorare, Netorase, Vore, Pedophilia.​
Preference Sheet:
(Note that I'll read anything except what I explicitly stated above, this is just to give you an idea of the kind of person I am so you can gauge whether or not I'm within your target audience if that matters.)
Love It: Soft Sci-fi, Mystery, Harem, Action, Adventure, Comedy, Romance, Seinen.
Like It: Fantasy, Horror, Ecchi, Adult, Mature, Girls Love, Mecha, Smut, Supernatural.
Neutral: Hard Sci-fi, LitRPG, Gender Bender, Drama, Historical, Isekai, Josei, Martial Arts, Psychological, School Life, Slice of Life, Tragedy, Incest, Furry.
Dislike: Fanfiction, Sports, Boys Love, Futanari, Asshole MC.

I guess that's it for now. If I remember something I'll be sure to add it to this post.
Ngl its the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essay
This do be the story
 

Zinless

How do I
Joined
Jun 13, 2022
Messages
361
Points
108
(You didn’t specify, so you get my uneducated feedback here.)

I read all 30 chapters you had to offer at the time of my posting this review. You surprised me, and I guess I should elaborate on why.

To me, your story encapsulates the point that a powerful concept and colorful cast of characters can let people forgive the rawness of one’s prose. The biggest strength you display is your ability to grab basic, familiar tropes and twist them in a way that can be fun to read, especially for those familiar with the topics you tackle.

The concept alone carries a lot of your initial engagement to the point that you didn’t even have to dress up the title. While I have seen the idea tried before, most examples I can remember were from Chinese WNs, and they did an awful job of it. You on the other hand stayed faithful to the concept, despite the difficulties and your newbie technical style, and I am thankful for it.

I will say that having no cover makes you miss potential readers though, and your second paragraph in the synopsis isn’t the most engaging thing to see. The question at the end of the synopsis has an obvious answer to it, and I think you don’t give enough detail about the story to make it grab people who might be on the fence.

Plotwise, you let the story guide readers into asking simple yet addictive questions:

How is the MC going to use their two bodies to solve the problem at hand?
When will the author explain what that necklace does?
What is the whole deal about the reincarnated gods?
What little character twist is the author going to do next?

All of these are great at keeping a reader engaged and willing to click the next chapter. What’s even better is that the climaxes to each arc revolve around your concept, where you pit the MC against the current antagonist while having to synergize the two bodies' abilities in an effort to beat the odds. I will admit that these climaxes aren’t the most original on the planet, but my point is that you stick to your script of familiar with a minor twist and it all pays off.

I do have a complaint about all the onomatopeia in your action pieces. It might be a personal preference, but they always feel a bit too cartoony to read. One interesting tidbit you seem to do with them though is that you sometimes use it as a way to create emphasis for the next sentence or control the pacing, which is a rather advanced thing to do. This makes me assume you’re using them because you either can’t think of a way to integrate more choppy, action-esque prose to fill the gaps or you’re still learning more advanced verbs in English and decided to not risk it until you’re ready. Either reason is fine, but my suggestion is that you could try attempts in a separate draft so that you’re at least giving it a go (if you aren’t already).

Next is your characters. I see you went with an easy formula: Bump their core trait to eleven while having depth in their more realistic sub-traits. Because your story is light-hearted and utterly bombastic, this method works, as their core trait makes many characters stand out to a point that there’s rarely a dialogue tag in sight. You even help differentiate speakers by action beats almost exclusively, which surprised me.

Actually, I think that you lean on the side where you don’t have enough action beats or descriptions at times, as on occasion I did feel like I was witnessing a bit of talking head syndrome here and there or had to re-read to figure out who said what.

My favorite two characters are the Sister and the Princess, while my two favorite moments come from Carine’s parents. One particular stand out to me is that the way the Mother escaped her brainwashing didn’t feel like a copout because you established her character before the climax. It was because of a core conflict in her personality and the orders she was given, alongside the aftermath of the fight, that the issue was resolved.

I also want to point out that the way you gave the Sister an obsessive personality but knew to only have her around on occasion was a good idea. Her crazy shenanigans are best served in small doses, and her running gag with bandits is a certified hood classic.

Grammar-wise, your prose is, well… it is your weakest link by miles. The simplistic clarity is your saving grace, otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have made it far into the story at all.

You miss periods in almost every chapter.
You lean hard on ellipses to cover the flow of your narrative.
Sometimes you miss capitalizations.
There are set phrases you like to crutch on regularly to express certain emotions.
You have words like suddenly and immediately choking up the pace of your action scenes.

There’s almost certainly more to point out, but I’m not paid to do this, so I’ll unfortunately have to cut it short. The best advice I can give is to keep applying yourself while reading up on more advanced techniques so that your better elements get the prose they deserve.

Grammar-pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or not take my advice)
"No, the spy was in our last meeting"
"Yes, they trust me completely"
"Yes, it would seem that it's similar to Carine's too"
"Good night"
"...Yes"

- You miss the period or comma at the end of dialogue so often I’m not sure if this is a stylistic choice or not. If it is some style that I’m not aware of, fair enough, but if it isn’t, you need to end these dialogue tags properly.

I tucked my body into bed as i drift into sleep…
- ‘I’ is not capitalized.

Five dead bodies were lying around the room, the walls around the room are splattered with their blood.
- ‘around the room’ is mentioned twice in redundancy. Personally, I think it's better to turn this into two sentences anyway for a more punchy impact.

Princess Munith, Rene, and one of the members who is crouched against a wall on his knees are the only people in this room at this time.
-Tense issue with ‘is’.
- ‘alive’ is missing, otherwise, you’re implying that Munith obliterated the other five guys into non-existence, despite mentioning corpses and blood the sentence before.

You get a 4 for SH, and a 3.5 if I were honest. Your foundations in concept, plot, and character are basic yet solid, while all of your minus points come solely from your grammar and prose.
I didn't expect this much detail, thanks for the review!

You miss the period or comma at the end of dialogue

I will fix this on future chapters, and will edit the earlier chapters. Thank you!

I do have a complaint about all the onomatopeia in your action pieces. It might be a personal preference, but they always feel a bit too cartoony to read.

Maybe it would be better if I put the onomatopeia in a sentence to make it flow better?
As the swords clash, a loud *Clang* can be heard
I also need to find better onomatopeia to use.

I will say that having no cover makes you miss potential readers though,
I have no artistic talent, so I can't make one. I also can't commission one due to various reasons, but I'm planning on doing so whenever I'm able to, so I left it empty for now.

I'm still a new writer so I have a long road to follow. Thank you for your detailed review! I will make a better story as things go on! I will fix the things you mentioned like ellipses and the "suddenly, immediately" problem. I will also add more details to the dialogue so you know who's speaking at any given moment.

Once again, thanks for the review! It helps me realize my mistakes earlier than I would on my own!
 
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