Hello! If you're interested, here's my story! Warning: It contains depictions of mental health issues including self-harm and depression. None of it is particularly graphic or explicit, but it can be very intense for some readers. There is a slowburn sapphic romance subplot, but there is no smut or explicit moments.
'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...
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[ile - Read: Prologue]
Alright, I will just comment on the story since Eve also did some editing tidbits. (Also Eve edits anything I write anyways soooooo she is way more qualified…)
To note, this content isn’t for me and I am clearly not the demographic. Prologues always tend to be the most shaky as characters and plot have yet to be truly stylized and fall into place, so let us see how well this goes! To begin, I think the start dynamic with the Therapist and MC is fine, the inner monologues of the MC are by far the most enjoyable part of this. The inner sass of MC really helps drive home the problem MC is seemingly having.
My main note, even though it’s just a prologue, everything could’ve been spread slightly slower, especially in the car. I felt like it went too fast for this style of story. I expect the scene with the therapist to be slow and awkward, but instead it's smooth and fast. Everything should snowball into one big outburst instead of immediately just being everythings on fire.
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[Eve - Read: Half of Chapter 2]
I'll get into my thoughts in a moment, but here are a few mistakes I noticed when I read through your story. (Note: I ignored the mistakes written by the character in the story) Also, some things could totally be stylistic choices, and, if that's the case, you can ignore me! That's what ile likes to do, anyway... Also, I only do this for the first chapter. You can hire me for all the chapters on my business card- Wait, I'm out of those, huh. Coulda sworn I asked ile to make more?
Mistakes/Confusion
"Dr. Maria Morgan is smiling and full of promise to my face"
I had to read this again to understand what it meant. It's not exactly grammatically wrong, but I think it could be worded better.
"left ring"
There's an extra space here.
"divorcee, or plans"
This doesn't need a comma, but if it's for emphasis or used as a pause it's fine. There's a few like that, so I'll only talk about this one.
"perky-bottle-blonde"
This should be, [perky, bottle blonde].
"self care" "self loathing"
These should be hyphenated, [self-care] [self-loathing].
"I feel my pulse quicken and am suddenly noticing how heavy the pen in my hand feels"
This [and am] part reads weirdly, and I think you could rewrite it without that awkward feeling. Maybe like [pulse quicken, and I suddenly notice].
"The lump comes back a second time and I force it back."
Technically, there should be a comma here [time, and I]. But, I'm just being a stickler for grammar rules. My credentials are right here as you can see- Huh, where are my credentials?
"my nails, hair, pills on my oversized sweater"
Pills? Like actual pills? Or decor?
Edit: I was corrected. Thanks to: Evil_Empire. These are pills on clothing! Therefore, completely fine sentence.
"has found it's way out of my ponytail"
The it's should be [its].
"and it it weakly comes alive"
Double [it] here that you can delete.
There are also issues with parallelism that could be changed to make the story flow better.
Feedback
Beforehand, I'd like to mention that this type of story is not to my taste and that much of this is subjective.
(Also, I like the cover.)
The overall hook of the story was well-done, but it made Luna's character hard to discern. In retrospect, it makes sense since she seems like a mess currently. Although, another drawback appears as there isn't really a driving factor for me to feel empathetic for her right now. She seems very much doom and gloom, but then again, I could be considered pretty cold-hearted...
Anyway, some of the descriptions also get a bit redundant or over-the-top. Such as "belching exhaust" when you've already mentioned that it was both "ancient" and "weakly coming alive."
Also, I'm going to mention the inconsistency between her vehemently not wanting to go back to the therapist and the next chapter where she seems somewhat muted about it (saying that maybe it did make her feel better), but I can excuse most of that on her mental instability.
In general, I'll assume that this dreariness is meant to be the base for the future story and serve as the comparison to how she'll become. Definitely not a perfect character, but it was in the synopsis so it's fine!
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[Final Notes]
Eve: ile made me edit their text. Do I get overtime? Also, next time, ile is your cool meter and will judge if you have potential. Basically, I'll be the main syntax, pacing (maybe), etc. person. ile will be the one mostly doing content stuff.
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And so the avalanche has been triggered!
ile: Finally snow! I've been feeling only 100-degree weather for the past 40 years!
