After Becoming Extremely Bored, ile and Eve made a Lazy Book Corner

ile_Eve

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The title says it all…most of it anyway. We’ll be doing story feedbacks!
We’re self-proclaimed writers who at least know grammar rules.

Eve: Well, at least I do. I don’t know about ile.

[Basics]
1. No Smut, Not Interested
2. We’ll Read Until We’re Bored

[Know Us]
ile
Professional procrastinator with an esteemed writing portfolio. Sadly the portfolio was eaten by one of their many dogs so now they’re judging books to make ends meet.

Eve
A person with several (safe) addictions that can’t be sated. It’s said they have an outstanding ‘Editing Portfolio’ that vanished one day when ile came over. Now, they’re forced to judge books.

[Queue]

[Will Get Back To It]
 
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KDBooks97

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Hello! If you're interested, here's my story! Warning: It contains depictions of mental health issues including self-harm and depression. None of it is particularly graphic or explicit, but it can be very intense for some readers. There is a slowburn sapphic romance subplot, but there is no smut or explicit moments.

 

HelloHound

Hound of hell, lover of girls (she/her)
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I just found the above story and it's really good
Below is my story, big fan of the author :)
 

thalia.

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would love it if you guys could check out my story too! it's an action, thriller, mystery (but it's a fanfic so i hope that's ok). thanks for doing this!
Here's the link.
 

ile_Eve

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Hello! If you're interested, here's my story! Warning: It contains depictions of mental health issues including self-harm and depression. None of it is particularly graphic or explicit, but it can be very intense for some readers. There is a slowburn sapphic romance subplot, but there is no smut or explicit moments.

[ile - Read: Prologue]
Alright, I will just comment on the story since Eve also did some editing tidbits. (Also Eve edits anything I write anyways soooooo she is way more qualified…)

To note, this content isn’t for me and I am clearly not the demographic. Prologues always tend to be the most shaky as characters and plot have yet to be truly stylized and fall into place, so let us see how well this goes! To begin, I think the start dynamic with the Therapist and MC is fine, the inner monologues of the MC are by far the most enjoyable part of this. The inner sass of MC really helps drive home the problem MC is seemingly having.

My main note, even though it’s just a prologue, everything could’ve been spread slightly slower, especially in the car. I felt like it went too fast for this style of story. I expect the scene with the therapist to be slow and awkward, but instead it's smooth and fast. Everything should snowball into one big outburst instead of immediately just being everythings on fire.

---

[Eve - Read: Half of Chapter 2]
I'll get into my thoughts in a moment, but here are a few mistakes I noticed when I read through your story. (Note: I ignored the mistakes written by the character in the story) Also, some things could totally be stylistic choices, and, if that's the case, you can ignore me! That's what ile likes to do, anyway... Also, I only do this for the first chapter. You can hire me for all the chapters on my business card- Wait, I'm out of those, huh. Coulda sworn I asked ile to make more?

Mistakes/Confusion
"Dr. Maria Morgan is smiling and full of promise to my face"
I had to read this again to understand what it meant. It's not exactly grammatically wrong, but I think it could be worded better.

"left ring"
There's an extra space here.

"divorcee, or plans"
This doesn't need a comma, but if it's for emphasis or used as a pause it's fine. There's a few like that, so I'll only talk about this one.

"perky-bottle-blonde"
This should be, [perky, bottle blonde].

"self care" "self loathing"
These should be hyphenated, [self-care] [self-loathing].

"I feel my pulse quicken and am suddenly noticing how heavy the pen in my hand feels"
This [and am] part reads weirdly, and I think you could rewrite it without that awkward feeling. Maybe like [pulse quicken, and I suddenly notice].

"The lump comes back a second time and I force it back."
Technically, there should be a comma here [time, and I]. But, I'm just being a stickler for grammar rules. My credentials are right here as you can see- Huh, where are my credentials?

"my nails, hair, pills on my oversized sweater"
Pills? Like actual pills? Or decor?
Edit: I was corrected. Thanks to: Evil_Empire. These are pills on clothing! Therefore, completely fine sentence.

"has found it's way out of my ponytail"
The it's should be [its].

"and it it weakly comes alive"
Double [it] here that you can delete.

There are also issues with parallelism that could be changed to make the story flow better.

Feedback
Beforehand, I'd like to mention that this type of story is not to my taste and that much of this is subjective.

(Also, I like the cover.)

The overall hook of the story was well-done, but it made Luna's character hard to discern. In retrospect, it makes sense since she seems like a mess currently. Although, another drawback appears as there isn't really a driving factor for me to feel empathetic for her right now. She seems very much doom and gloom, but then again, I could be considered pretty cold-hearted...

Anyway, some of the descriptions also get a bit redundant or over-the-top. Such as "belching exhaust" when you've already mentioned that it was both "ancient" and "weakly coming alive."

Also, I'm going to mention the inconsistency between her vehemently not wanting to go back to the therapist and the next chapter where she seems somewhat muted about it (saying that maybe it did make her feel better), but I can excuse most of that on her mental instability.

In general, I'll assume that this dreariness is meant to be the base for the future story and serve as the comparison to how she'll become. Definitely not a perfect character, but it was in the synopsis so it's fine!

---

[Final Notes]
Eve: ile made me edit their text. Do I get overtime? Also, next time, ile is your cool meter and will judge if you have potential. Basically, I'll be the main syntax, pacing (maybe), etc. person. ile will be the one mostly doing content stuff.

---

And so the avalanche has been triggered!
ile: Finally snow! I've been feeling only 100-degree weather for the past 40 years!
 
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melchi

What is a custom title?
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That is actually some really good feedback. If there is time maybe take a look, no pressure though.

 

Evil-Empire

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In the case of pills, pills are those round bits of material that happen to some types of clothing, especially wool or knit clothing.
 

wannabewriter

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Still starting out but any feedback is appreciated.

 

inolzia

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I love that neither of you sound like you want to be here loool

OK, here's my novel, I hope you enjoy it. Any feedback would be much appreciated~

 

AdOtherwise

Owl Who Reads
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Love to have your gal's opinions!

 

TsumiHokiro

Just another chick in the universe
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Dredd_Sama

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Hey, would really appreciate if you guys could review my story, the one in my signature... thanks
 

Terrate

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Damn, are you guys like reading machines? There’s always something to learn about the inputs.
 

JackJohnJackson

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Hi! I'd love it if you could take a look at my story, it just finished it's first act and has an intermission chapter leading into the next. Any and all feedback or thoughts would be appreciated!
 

Evil-Empire

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Bit of a kerfuffle in this thread. Thanks to that I happened to read Mimic. Great story. I'm a bit of a sucker for 1st person narratives although that in itself is no guarantee of good writing but the narrative in Mimic is really good. All the more impressive when you realize that it's ten chapters of the protagonist mostly talking to herself due to her partner being incapable of speech (as far as we know). Anyway, @VastAsychronicrity , you certainly don't need validation from anonymous people on the internet, 99.9% of whom are certain to be inferior in ability to you.

Earlier you mentioned Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. Even though the setting was vast and as nearly as epic as Lord of the Rings the world was only revealed as needed. First a character and the village he lived in. Then the world was revealed to the reader in dribs and drabs. As you say, large info dumps are not a sign of good story telling.
 

Eelphen

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I'd love to get some feedback on my story.
 

Verdante

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I’d appreciate your feedback on my story! Thank you so much :)
 

ile_Eve

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Eve
Hihi!

We're still doing feedback, just at a slow pace due to real life.

By the way...@HelloHound, just to confirm, do you still want feedback from us?

Also, some stories may be skipped due to ile's brain bricking on occasion. Don't worry, we'll get back to it later, and it doesn't mean the story is bad!

The original post now has a [Queue] and [Will Get Back To It] section. Thank you to everyone who has been posting stories here, even though I'm being forced, it's a great boredom killer!


ile
The new section [Will Get Back To It] is purely there due to a lot of times I see something that feels off but I just can’t put it into words yet. Sometimes I see someone doing something right but I can't put it into words either. Other times the dog eats my cables so I can’t finish reading it.

Also, I am a slow reader who has to read things multiple times for full comprehension so that will also contribute to that.
 
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