Asking for Feedback for Archive of FAS Lores - Chapter 2

LilTV1155

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Feedback for Archive of FAS Lores: Chapter 2
Word Count: 4559 words

Hi
I need feedbacks and writing advices on this story. I am aware and accept that this Chapter may have a lot of errors that I need to fix, especially the grammars and the plot flow. But I am not sure where to find them. It also may not catch your interest since I am trying to write the story in Chapter 2 as a fairytale, the mean kind that warns people of symbolic dangers.

The Characters have a Capitalized letter in their names that describe their main features. They are named so due to their significant roles in the story. As for issues with the names and colors, I have put up a direct statement in Chapter 1.

There is not much "it" used, instead male and female pronouns are used for Beasts and Plants, the only types of creatures found in the story.
There are possibly extreme violence and gore that might trigger your Intolerance.
I want to know if this story can be considered a PG-13?

How should I break down this sub-story since it it part of a bigger story?

Thank you,
LilTV1155
 
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Interesting read. The style was enjoyable, but I'm not sure if Onomatopoeia fits the theme.
There were a number of issues: tenses, verbs, some sentences were very clunky, some of the dialouge was odd or awkard - not fitting the theme, a few words used also didn't fit the theme (protege stood out the most).

Unfortunately, I'm on my phone, and editing on it is impossible, so maybe in a day or two (if I don't forget).

If you want to break this down, I'd say before and after the willow falls. Honestly, I thought this was a children's story until the rape innuendos. If you tone that down a bit I don't think you need any warnings, nothing was that extreme.

Also, I think you missed on great payout with the ending. Having the black tree be the one to kill the beatle (through the wolf), while the rest are only able to handle its children, would have made it better imo.
 

Lloyd

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At least run your stuff through grammarly to catch some of the errors before asking for help.
 
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