Asking For Feedback

[Redchaos1]

What's up guys, it's Redchaos1 and i hope i am not bother you but i would really like some feed back for my story Phantom Ddraig. I hope that it isn't too bad for you guys to read.

Phantom Ddraig

The fall of the multiverse has reshaped reality under the hands of the primordial guardian Sophia, creating the new world of Jord. Join Christian Ddraig, the prince of the re-emerging nation of Avalon that now finds itself in the middle of a war between its new neighbors that threatens to...

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[TheTrinary]

I got a few paragraphs into chapter 1 before I quit reading. Your grammar is pretty bad. Missing punctuation. Incorrect use of pronouns. Miscapitalization.

Even if it was cleaned up and looked nice, it'd be pretty stilled in terms of style.

And finally, what we start out with is world building, and I don't really understand it. Like, I know I didn't read very far, but it's all over the place. A former pan-universe spanning empire now just exists on a continent on one world and they're engaged in naval battle with what I presume to be modern day battle ships. That's all kinds of weird. Avalon evokes a medieval or fantasy setting to start. And then you have a former pangalactic civilization with pretty crappy tech relatively. And then you talk about how nice their capital was in terms of architecture. None of these things go together.

 

[K5Rakitan]

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