Just like Snusmumriken, I gave it a shot while I procrastinated as well. How about that?
Let me start off by saying that I would tone down the lengthy description of the MC since it was a mouthful to read. I get it, it's supposed to be witty and funny, but I thought it was trying to hard. I'm more interested in the yokai rather than the MC, so that lengthy description of your average teen should be used to describe the supernatural yokai that is the hook of the story.
I read the first chapter and I like the writing. It's precise and clear, every sentence feels straight to the point, and the prose is decent. I had an easy time reading it. The contents itself, on the other had, is meh. I feel that entire first chapter can be condensed into one third of your planned storyline. The important parts of the story are minimal compared to the entire description of this boy's morning routine. It's pretty much him being woken up by his cousin, getting ready for breakfast, talking to his family about moving to his own place after his father died, his uncle being worried and then super supportive, and him being on his way.
A reader may see this first chapter and assume the pacing is this slow. I mean, the writing was great, but it felt like it led to nowhere by the end. Just another day in another kid's life, to be continued. No hook, no cliffhanger, nothing that tells me, "I got to turn to chapter 2 right now!" Perhaps later, when we get attached to these characters and want to know more about their home life can you do this slow pace episode, but in the beginning, I suggest you get the reader hyped and looking forward for more!
I personally like the synopsis enough to keep reading. Though that gore advisory does worry me. I really don't want to read anything too violent. But I want to know about that yokai. I'll keep reading and give you more of my thoughts. So far, it's okay, it's average, it's meh. The promise of the yokai loli is the only thing keeping me going, but I fear that first chapter may have set up the impression of the entire work.
UPDATE:
So I've read up to chapter 5. I wish Scribble Hub would tell you how many words each chapter has, because they are quite lengthy, but nonetheless I kept going
The writing is still very good. It so easy to read, something I never thought I'd notice. I guess a lot of stories on SH aren't that well written (oh, but not yours, fellow forum member reading this post. Yours is so elegantly prosed).
The story itself, I'm hooked. I love the yokai loli, she's so nice and I like how the MC gets along with her. His sleep depredation also makes more sense now. Is that why he can see ghost? That's actually quite a good explanation. It now makes more sense that he was perceived as 'lazy'. I love the encounter with the first ghost in the alleyway. It turned out to be a completely random event. It may not have been paranormal action, but it was pretty cool. Loved how Yuki just wanted to slay him. Though I'm confused on how the "little" knife was bigger than her. Maybe I missed the description of her size.
The pacing is pretty good. The important events are presented well as the story is going at a nice pace. I do admit I get bored with details from time to time, such as describing the park, and when he was eating his instant ramen. I skipped that part and felt that I didn't miss much. I just wanted to get to the important parts. That's just how I read and write myself, so take it with a grain of salt if you want to keep these details.
If there is any complaints, it's the first 2 chapters. By the end of the second chapter and beyond, when we are introduced to Yuki, that's when things pick up and get interesting. I was right, the yokai is the hook of your story. This is when I started getting invested in the characters. This is when I wanted to learn more about the MC and his insomnia. Heck, even his uncle is a cool guy. I want to learn more about him. And of course, I love Yuki. She may be my favorite character. I love the team up with Kumagawa. I feel they will be a good team for whatever ghost busting is eventually going to happen. But this all happened after slogging through the first two chapters. I feel like you should chop up the first two chapters to only the important parts and merge them into the first. They were important but only in hindsight do I realize this. I can go back and read those first chapters and be more invested in actually reading it because now I want to learn more about Kumagawa and the backstory.
I would rather just have the story start in chapter 2, chop it up to only the important parts, get to Yuki as soon as possible, and proceed from there. After the encounter with the first ghost and after Kumagawa goes to sleep, then proceed to the casual stuff of chapter 1 where we get to know more about him, his sleep deprivation, his family, et-cetra. The things that add to the plot after we have an interest in learning about them.
With all that said, I'm so far enjoying the story. I'm going to follow it, but I fear that those first two chapters may be a wall preventing other people from discovering a good story because they're so long winded and not really important. But the rest, it's good, I love it!
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