Because first impressions matter

WritingAbomination

Active member
Joined
Mar 18, 2021
Messages
3
Points
43
I just uploaded my first chapter, and I'm wondering about people's reactions to it. Any thoughts?

 

COLOC_Kid

morphing-state
Joined
Sep 2, 2020
Messages
350
Points
83
sorry your letters are so cluttered add enters in between like this.




Why are human towns so noisy? They run from here to there like they always have something to do. Which they probably do. In the air, the wind and smell of early autumn can barely be felt with the crank of gears and the stink of smoke.

What a horrible life. I almost feel bad for them. Almost. Maybe if they weren't such cruel creatures...



I adjust my cloak's hood over my eyes, taking special care of covering my left one.
I walk through the streets, passing shops and houses until I arrive in the town's center. It Is a round place, with a church looking from the north and



a fountain in the middle. It represents the three goddesses, Earth, Sun and Moon. I sit on the brink of it and just observe the people.


A drunk man catches my attention. Could I...? No, he's too big. A punch of him could knock me out. A lone, rich lady in high heels... no, she carries a heavy bag. Am I going to have no luck today?



Someone shorter than me passes by.

They wear a heavy old cloak. It seems expensive.

But not as expensive as the leather boots the cloak doesn't reach to cover.

I get up and let them walk away for a few seconds before following them.


The figure stops enters a small shop. If they pay for that he must be carrying money.

I entered the shop after them and pretend to be looking at the various pieces of meat. The figure moves.

They take out a small brown sack.

When they do their arm moves their cloak and I can take a look at their appearance. A blond boy with short hair and a pointy nose, like, Goddess is he the reincarnation of a bird or something?
Anyway, I have my prey.

He ends up with a piece of salting meat. I watch him go. Again, I left him put a little space between us.
A cough interrupts my thoughts and I turn around to see the man behind the counter looking at me.

I know that stare the 'You're suspicious, and I'm about to throw you out' stare. What? I'm wearing a ragged cloak too! Although I guess my clothes underneath do not scream good, wealthy citizen.

"Tch!" I walk outside under the warning eyes of the man. My prey is a few meters ahead. I don't need to walk too fast.
I pondered for a few seconds. The thick cloak could make reaching for the bag of money more difficult than it might be worth it.

But then the boy took a turn that left me very clear where he was going: the rich neighborhoods.
Smiling I break out into a dash and in a couple of swift movements rise the cloak and yank the money out of his pockets.


I run away with the "Hey!" shout of the boy behind me. I continue running and crossing streets until I believe I'm out of sight.
With a triumphant laugh I weight the bag in my hand. Very heavy. I can practically smell the gold.

"You!"
I look over my shoulder. Oh, great. The guy is here. I give him a smile that shows all my teeth. "Hello there. Are you looking for this?" I show the little sack.

"I'm sorry but it's mine now. Go away if you want to keep your life."
"I don't care about the money, but I can allow a thief in here." He says.
"Ohhh, so we have a hero. Come for me, if you dare."

The boy stares at me with convinced gray eyes. I return the stare and keep smiling.
And then he throws a punch at me.

I dodge it and kick him in the stomach. When he bends I shove my elbow in his back. He tries to get up, but I put my feet on his head.
"I told you. I don't want to be caught. So I guess I can't let you go."

I kneel and lower my head until it is at level with his ear. "Tell me, do you think you'll taste well?"
A sharp pain over my eye. I touch my left eyebrow and see blood on my fingers. Following that teeth on my feet and in a twitch of pain, I let go of the boy. He gets up with a sword in his left hand. Where was it hidden?
"What's going on here?!"

The smile disappears from my lips. Behind us is a man dressed in armor.
A knight. Shit.
I take off running. And to my surprise, when I look behind me, I see the blond boy following me. Really? Is he THAT determined to take revenge?
No, wait, he's looking behind us too. Is he running away from the knight?

Whatever. I go around corners, run across streets until I find the main road again.

Both the boy and I manage not to get run over and get to the other end, but the knight isn't so lucky. A cart stops right in front of him, and he steps backwards.
I run into an alley, with the boy still behind me.

When I'm sure the knight won't find us I turn around abruptly and deck him in the face.
"Stop. Following me!" I say, panting.

"I... wasn't... following. I didn't know where to go!"
"Yeah, sure. I'm keeping the money, by the way."
"Why do you steal anyway? You could just ask for something to eat."
"Yeah, yeah, and people would just give it to me right?... Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I-"
"Oh, Goddess don't tell me you would have. Ha, ha, ha!"
"Why are you laughing?"
"What?"
Suddenly, the blond boy was very close to my face. His gray eyes pierced mine, one of the starting to get black from my blow before.

I could practically count the freckles over his (still pointy) nose and cheeks. If I knew how to count beyond twenty.
"Life hasn't treated you good, right?"

I stay in silence while he checks my face. What is wrong with him?
"What the hell do you mean?"
"This" And he points to my left eye.
"That's a mark of enchantment right? What happened to you? Did some monster keep you captive?" He shudders. "Why... why did it keep you alive?"
Another fist lands into his other eyes.

Goddess, I hope it causes him more than a black eye this time.
"Don't talk to me ever again!" I say and run away, my heart beating fast.
 

WritingAbomination

Active member
Joined
Mar 18, 2021
Messages
3
Points
43
sorry your letters are so cluttered add enters in between like this.




Why are human towns so noisy? They run from here to there like they always have something to do. Which they probably do. In the air, the wind and smell of early autumn can barely be felt with the crank of gears and the stink of smoke.

What a horrible life. I almost feel bad for them. Almost. Maybe if they weren't such cruel creatures...



I adjust my cloak's hood over my eyes, taking special care of covering my left one.
I walk through the streets, passing shops and houses until I arrive in the town's center. It Is a round place, with a church looking from the north and



a fountain in the middle. It represents the three goddesses, Earth, Sun and Moon. I sit on the brink of it and just observe the people.


A drunk man catches my attention. Could I...? No, he's too big. A punch of him could knock me out. A lone, rich lady in high heels... no, she carries a heavy bag. Am I going to have no luck today?



Someone shorter than me passes by.

They wear a heavy old cloak. It seems expensive.

But not as expensive as the leather boots the cloak doesn't reach to cover.

I get up and let them walk away for a few seconds before following them.


The figure stops enters a small shop. If they pay for that he must be carrying money.

I entered the shop after them and pretend to be looking at the various pieces of meat. The figure moves.

They take out a small brown sack.

When they do their arm moves their cloak and I can take a look at their appearance. A blond boy with short hair and a pointy nose, like, Goddess is he the reincarnation of a bird or something?
Anyway, I have my prey.

He ends up with a piece of salting meat. I watch him go. Again, I left him put a little space between us.
A cough interrupts my thoughts and I turn around to see the man behind the counter looking at me.

I know that stare the 'You're suspicious, and I'm about to throw you out' stare. What? I'm wearing a ragged cloak too! Although I guess my clothes underneath do not scream good, wealthy citizen.

"Tch!" I walk outside under the warning eyes of the man. My prey is a few meters ahead. I don't need to walk too fast.
I pondered for a few seconds. The thick cloak could make reaching for the bag of money more difficult than it might be worth it.

But then the boy took a turn that left me very clear where he was going: the rich neighborhoods.
Smiling I break out into a dash and in a couple of swift movements rise the cloak and yank the money out of his pockets.


I run away with the "Hey!" shout of the boy behind me. I continue running and crossing streets until I believe I'm out of sight.
With a triumphant laugh I weight the bag in my hand. Very heavy. I can practically smell the gold.

"You!"
I look over my shoulder. Oh, great. The guy is here. I give him a smile that shows all my teeth. "Hello there. Are you looking for this?" I show the little sack.

"I'm sorry but it's mine now. Go away if you want to keep your life."
"I don't care about the money, but I can allow a thief in here." He says.
"Ohhh, so we have a hero. Come for me, if you dare."

The boy stares at me with convinced gray eyes. I return the stare and keep smiling.
And then he throws a punch at me.

I dodge it and kick him in the stomach. When he bends I shove my elbow in his back. He tries to get up, but I put my feet on his head.
"I told you. I don't want to be caught. So I guess I can't let you go."

I kneel and lower my head until it is at level with his ear. "Tell me, do you think you'll taste well?"
A sharp pain over my eye. I touch my left eyebrow and see blood on my fingers. Following that teeth on my feet and in a twitch of pain, I let go of the boy. He gets up with a sword in his left hand. Where was it hidden?
"What's going on here?!"

The smile disappears from my lips. Behind us is a man dressed in armor.
A knight. Shit.
I take off running. And to my surprise, when I look behind me, I see the blond boy following me. Really? Is he THAT determined to take revenge?
No, wait, he's looking behind us too. Is he running away from the knight?

Whatever. I go around corners, run across streets until I find the main road again.

Both the boy and I manage not to get run over and get to the other end, but the knight isn't so lucky. A cart stops right in front of him, and he steps backwards.
I run into an alley, with the boy still behind me.

When I'm sure the knight won't find us I turn around abruptly and deck him in the face.
"Stop. Following me!" I say, panting.

"I... wasn't... following. I didn't know where to go!"
"Yeah, sure. I'm keeping the money, by the way."
"Why do you steal anyway? You could just ask for something to eat."
"Yeah, yeah, and people would just give it to me right?... Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I-"
"Oh, Goddess don't tell me you would have. Ha, ha, ha!"
"Why are you laughing?"
"What?"
Suddenly, the blond boy was very close to my face. His gray eyes pierced mine, one of the starting to get black from my blow before.

I could practically count the freckles over his (still pointy) nose and cheeks. If I knew how to count beyond twenty.
"Life hasn't treated you good, right?"

I stay in silence while he checks my face. What is wrong with him?
"What the hell do you mean?"
"This" And he points to my left eye.
"That's a mark of enchantment right? What happened to you? Did some monster keep you captive?" He shudders. "Why... why did it keep you alive?"
Another fist lands into his other eyes.

Goddess, I hope it causes him more than a black eye this time.
"Don't talk to me ever again!" I say and run away, my heart beating fast.
Done! I could swear I had done this I don't know what happened. Thank you!
 

Businesssn

Brick-San the god of wholesome hentai
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
319
Points
83
Yeah if I may suggest put the name of the charactwho spoke, like this

blah blah. (Character) or

blah blah. Character said in a serios tone
 

Tblew

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2019
Messages
32
Points
48
It is a bit hard to follow sometimes.

For instance; 'Another fist lands into his other eyes.

'I land another fist in his eye,' would be better. Other than that, it's alright.
 
Top