Beta Reader/Feedback Request

ObaSuzu

Active member
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
Messages
26
Points
28
Hey there! It's been a while since I did something like this. I thought to myself that now is the time to show off my writing ability and determine whether it needs some improvements. My story is called Bike Hero, and it should be written in the past tense as last time I remembered writing it in both tenses which I made a huge mistake. But that was when I was writing a different story, which proved to be unsuccessful, and I couldn't get myself motivated to continue writing it because of it. So your critique and suggestions are much appreciated!

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/335238-bike-hero/chapter/335239/
 

LilTV1155

Active member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
317
Points
43
Hey there! It's been a while since I did something like this. I thought to myself that now is the time to show off my writing ability and determine whether it needs some improvements. My story is called Bike Hero, and it should be written in the past tense as last time I remembered writing it in both tenses which I made a huge mistake. But that was when I was writing a different story, which proved to be unsuccessful, and I couldn't get myself motivated to continue writing it because of it. So your critique and suggestions are much appreciated!

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/335238-bike-hero/chapter/335239/
You still got some stuffs to improve, especially on 1st chapter. Check out your chapter's comment section
 

ObaSuzu

Active member
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
Messages
26
Points
28
Checked out your other three chapters on same story in comments. There may be suggestions, but mostly to help the reader distinguish between your lines.
Do I have to comply with these suggestions if I choose not to for now?
 

LilTV1155

Active member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
317
Points
43
Do I have to comply with these suggestions if I choose not to for now?
No. In fact you can delete my comments or ask me to delete them if you don't want to follow those suggestion. But the problem of not separating your dialogue, your narrator's perspective, and his thoughts will be noticed by other readers and will come up sooner or later.

They will say something like "It's confusing" or something about the dialogues thing.
 

ObaSuzu

Active member
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
Messages
26
Points
28
No. In fact you can delete my comments or ask me to delete them if you don't want to follow those suggestion. But the problem of not separating your dialogue, your narrator's perspective, and his thoughts will be noticed by other readers and will come up sooner or later.

They will say something like "It's confusing" or something about the dialogues thing.
Well, I showed the story to a few of my friends and family, and they didn't find the dialogues and stuff confusing from what I heard.
 

Snusmumriken

Vagabond and traveller
Joined
May 22, 2021
Messages
358
Points
63
Why are you prephrasing all your dialogue lines with he said/she said and similar sentences?

Also while some short sentences are fine even short paragraphs are fine but the fact that you have short sentences and single sentence multiple paragraphs makes the story rather jarred. The flow that many of these sentences desperately need between them is lost due to the line break. This severely hinders the readability of your story as readers have to figure out what paragraphs are on the same "group". For example, I had to reread the high school part twice.

I can't comment on the story flow (because of the aforementioned breaks) but your grammar looked decent at a quick glance.
 

LilTV1155

Active member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
317
Points
43
Well, I showed the story to a few of my friends and family, and they didn't find the dialogues and stuff confusing from what I heard.
Ok. By the way, can you give me a little feedback on Archives of FAS Lores: Forbidden Scroll: The Aureole of Wishes | 2 please?
It's written in fairytale format. However, I think it need some fixing, but I am not sure where though?
 
Last edited:

ObaSuzu

Active member
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
Messages
26
Points
28
Ok. By the way, can you give me a little feedback on Archives of FAS Lores: Forbidden Scroll: The Aureole of Wishes | 2 please?
It's written in fairytale format. However, I think it need some fixing, but I am not sure where though?
Sure, I can try. I won't guarantee it, though.
Why are you prephrasing all your dialogue lines with he said/she said and similar sentences?

Also while some short sentences are fine even short paragraphs are fine but the fact that you have short sentences and single sentence multiple paragraphs makes the story rather jarred. The flow that many of these sentences desperately need between them is lost due to the line break. This severely hinders the readability of your story as readers have to figure out what paragraphs are on the same "group". For example, I had to reread the high school part twice.

I can't comment on the story flow (because of the aforementioned breaks) but your grammar looked decent at a quick glance.
I understand your point, but I digress. You see, I'm trying to write in a unique writing style that is inspired by cellphone novels. I know my writing style may seem odd, but I find it easy to write in this way. Otherwise, some of the readers, aside from being on ScribbleHub, don't seem to complain about this case. Did you get what I am trying to say here?
 
Last edited:

Snusmumriken

Vagabond and traveller
Joined
May 22, 2021
Messages
358
Points
63
Well, you can write as you may see fit. We aren't Novel Police. If you are getting readers and they are happy then there is no need to change anything.
You asked for suggestions and I've said my opinion. From my perspective, as a novel, these things add unnecessary issues that shouldn't be there. If you are writing in a certain style that I am unfamiliar with - I can't offer you any advice since I have no idea about that style.
 
Top