Can Someone Tell Me Why This Doesn't Work?

[TheTrinary]

Reaper’s Game - October 1st (1): Green Room | Scribble Hub

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Something new I started doing. 1st chapter is a big ole piece of crap. So why doesn't it work? What does it need? I'm in the weeds here. All feedback appreciated.

I know what I'm going to do with it, but I can't stick the landing (or start) in this case.

 

[Tessa_Renalds]

I’ve read the third chapter and I enjoyed it. There were some minor grammar errors such as small spelling issues, tense differences, spaces between commas, and I believe at one time you flipped from third to first perspective.
I felt a bit lost at the beginning, the green threw me for a wide loop but I wanted to figure out what happened to Lindis.
BUT that’s also because I’m dumb and read the third chapter before the first one. This might sound super strange but you could easily start the story with your third chapter. I was hooked by the Reaper part, for sure.

 

[Ai-chan]

Reaper’s Game - October 1st (1): Green Room | Scribble Hub

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Something new I started doing. 1st chapter is a big ole piece of crap. So why doesn't it work? What does it need? I'm in the weeds here. All feedback appreciated.

I know what I'm going to do with it, but I can't stick the landing (or start) in this case.

Alright, don't get triggered, okay? Apart from the minor typos and grammatical errors (we all do that), it's just this feeling that the composition was holding itself back. For the record, Ai-chan likes your imagery, so this is not a hatefuck, alright?

Personally, Ai-chan thinks this chapter has no immediacy. It's like you almost got it, but you're not in a hurry to take that final inch. And just as when you're almost about to reach it, you linger there instead of touching it. Much of the first chapter was almost, almost, almost. There's a literary term for this, but Ai-chan can't remember.

Granted, it could just be Ai-chan's own preference, but it feels like your protagonist is holding herself back all the time. Consider the following examples:

1. "The city in her view as she crossed the street snapped to an instant to a monotone green." Ai-chan think it would be better to write it as "Crossing the street, the city before her very eyes snapped instantly to a monotone green."

2. "Almost instinctively, she grabbed the back of her head, feeling pain, expecting pain, looking for. . . blood?"
"As if by instinct, she touched the back of her head, feeling for pain, expecting the pain and looking for... blood."
Yes, Ai-chan is aware that you're trying to give her the feeling of bewilderment. But you do not need to make it a question. When a person is dazed, they do not ask questions, they just feel that something is wrong, but they can't put a finger to it.

There were two others that Ai-chan wanted to mention, but couldn't find them again. Oh well, hope this much helps.

 

[TheTrinary]

I’ve read the third chapter and I enjoyed it. There were some minor grammar errors such as small spelling issues, tense differences, spaces between commas, and I believe at one time you flipped from third to first perspective.
I felt a bit lost at the beginning, the green threw me for a wide loop but I wanted to figure out what happened to Lindis.
BUT that’s also because I’m dumb and read the third chapter before the first one. This might sound super strange but you could easily start the story with your third chapter. I was hooked by the Reaper part, for sure.

Yeah it's basically a first draft while I figure what I want specifically. I probably should line edit it, but I'm half expecting to rewrite what I got.

And I'm glad you liked it though. I think the sort of mystery and overall weirdness was the draw the more I think about it, so that reaction makes me happy.

Also, some iteration of the third chapter was my starting point originally, just pure discovery and starting completely in the dark. Thanks for the look over though.

Alright, don't get triggered, okay? Apart from the minor typos and grammatical errors (we all do that), it's just this feeling that the composition was holding itself back. For the record, Ai-chan likes your imagery, so this is not a hatefuck, alright?

Personally, Ai-chan thinks this chapter has no immediacy. It's like you almost got it, but you're not in a hurry to take that final inch. And just as when you're almost about to reach it, you linger there instead of touching it. Much of the first chapter was almost, almost, almost. There's a literary term for this, but Ai-chan can't remember.

Granted, it could just be Ai-chan's own preference, but it feels like your protagonist is holding herself back all the time. Consider the following examples:

1. "The city in her view as she crossed the street snapped to an instant to a monotone green." Ai-chan think it would be better to write it as "Crossing the street, the city before her very eyes snapped instantly to a monotone green."

2. "Almost instinctively, she grabbed the back of her head, feeling pain, expecting pain, looking for. . . blood?"
"As if by instinct, she touched the back of her head, feeling for pain, expecting the pain and looking for... blood."
Yes, Ai-chan is aware that you're trying to give her the feeling of bewilderment. But you do not need to make it a question. When a person is dazed, they do not ask questions, they just feel that something is wrong, but they can't put a finger to it.

There were two others that Ai-chan wanted to mention, but couldn't find them again. Oh well, hope this much helps.

Yea you don't need to prefeace your critique with all that fluff, especially when I start by saying I don't think my own work is compelling.

With that said, I actually think you're on to something here. There's an effervescent sort of investigative tone to the chapter and your rewrites work better. Maybe more intimacy in the character's chain of thought? The question is implicit so those parts become what's in their head.

That might be exactly what I need. Thank you.

 

[Ral]

It is just not engaging to me. I always skim over the text, though I do come back to read what is actually there.

I find the overall writing to be really dull. The story is written in stream-of-consciousness writing style but the thought processes is just uninteresting. I mean, fantastical things are happening and the thoughts just aren't going anywhere or doing anything interesting … Hey! Everything is green! I'm dead? Hey, you! Are you dead too?… It is just, meh.

How everything is conveyed is also kinda uninteresting. It is the Show, Don't Tell mantra again. Everything is just being told. Example:

Shifting uncomfortably, she knew the reason why. Lindis took a deep breath and looked down hesitantly and shrieked when she saw her own naked body. She bent herself into a pretzel trying to cover everything at once. In doing so, she attracted some of the others around her who joined in the show. She squaeked another yelp of disapproval and tucked her head into her chest. This was the exact thing she was trying to avoid.

The emotions are just not delivered in the writing.

Overall, just that, the thoughts are uninteresting and the delivery is lacking.

 

[TheTrinary]

It is just not engaging to me. I always skim over the text, though I do come back to read what is actually there.

I find the overall writing to be really dull. The story is written in stream-of-consciousness writing style but the thought processes is just uninteresting. I mean, fantastical things are happening and the thoughts just aren't going anywhere or doing anything interesting … Hey! Everything is green! I'm dead? Hey, you! Are you dead too?… It is just, meh.

How everything is conveyed is also kinda uninteresting. It is the Show, Don't Tell mantra again. Everything is just being told. Example:

The emotions are just not delivered in the writing.

Overall, just that, the thoughts are uninteresting and the delivery is lacking.

That gives me a little to go on. . . but I wouldn't mind you expanding on the why here. Especially when you say fantastical things are happening, and people aren't going anywhere or doing anything.

What do you reasonably do in that circumstance? We're essentially in a void? I don't know, maybe run a loop and look for a door or something? Perhaps the lack options removes agency. Is the lack of agency the real problem here?

I guess I could write in a locked door or something and have the characters interact with that.

 

[Ral]

That gives me a little to go on. . . but I wouldn't mind you expanding on the why here. Especially when you say fantastical things are happening, and people aren't going anywhere or doing anything.

I'm not talking about what is happening but about their thoughts, or essentially, the protagonist's thoughts, and maybe also their reactions. The thoughts are given a lot of focus in the chapter but they aren't really interesting. At most, they are just exposition.

What do you reasonably do in that circumstance? We're essentially in a void? I don't know, maybe run a loop and look for a door or something? Perhaps the lack options removes agency. Is the lack of agency the real problem here?

No. It is not that there is very little to do, the problem is that the thoughts aren't interesting or maybe the protagonist isn't interesting. I have read a short story about a character watching paint dry where we are privy to that character's thoughts and that was a really riveting read.

Take this part for example:

But all that bleed into green. The walls were green. The floor was green. The ceiling was green. Emerald, one and all. The deluge of metaphysical questions that washed up in her bled into the green just like her thoughts and feelings. Would she fade? Is that all death was?

Well. These were all extremely confusing question for Lindis Clemens, compounded by the fact that she had them all at once. Her brain seemed to be in overdrive.

All Meaningless. There was green.

Nothing is really is interesting here.

And here is where the Show, Don't Tell mantra advice applies. Note that you only told us that Lindis have metaphysical question and that her brain is in overdrive, but it was never shown. We never see what the questions where (aside from the two kinda generic ones) nor her thought process of the events. We are just told that it happened. That is pretty much an issue in the entire chapter.

I guess I could write in a locked door or something and have the characters interact with that.

The situation is already interesting enough. I mean, a story about a character watching paint dry was made riveting enough.It is the characters. The characters are just aren't doing anything interesting or are just not reacting in interesting ways. Couple that with the way you tell the story that isn't really that engaging and I find myself having a hard time being invested in the story.

 

[TheTrinary]

I'm not talking about what is happening but about their thoughts, or essentially, the protagonist's thoughts, and maybe also their reactions. The thoughts are given a lot of focus in the chapter but they aren't really interesting. At most, they are just exposition.

No. It is not that there is very little to do, the problem is that the thoughts aren't interesting or maybe the protagonist isn't interesting. I have read a short story about a character watching paint dry where we are privy to that character's thoughts and that was a really riveting read.

Take this part for example:

Nothing is really is interesting here.

And here is where the Show, Don't Tell mantra advice applies. Note that you only told us that Lindis have metaphysical question and that her brain is in overdrive, but it was never shown. We never see what the questions where (aside from the two kinda generic ones) nor her thought process of the events. We are just told that it happened. That is pretty much an issue in the entire chapter.

The situation is already interesting enough. I mean, a story about a character watching paint dry was made riveting enough.It is the characters. The characters are just aren't doing anything interesting or are just not reacting in interesting ways. Couple that with the way you tell the story that isn't really that engaging and I find myself having a hard time being invested in the story.

Hmm okay. Thanks for the write up.



Okay I think I have everything I need. Thanks for the opinions. I'm shutting this down.

 

[jabathehut]

Reaper’s Game - October 1st (1): Green Room | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Something new I started doing. 1st chapter is a big ole piece of crap. So why doesn't it work? What does it need? I'm in the weeds here. All feedback appreciated.

I know what I'm going to do with it, but I can't stick the landing (or start) in this case.

My reactions:

Spoiler

I don't find myself engaged with the chapters conflict. It seems to be her confusion at the unknown circumstance she finds herself in but I, the reader, am confused instead of sympathetic for her reaction to her circumstance.

None of these circumstances personally excite me as far as mysteries go until we reach the clock.

Reaching the end I now realize the first few sentences were a death sequence.

The mystery of what would happen when the clock wound down was the first exciting conflict of the chapter for me, but it seems to come and go instantly.

I won't give proscriptive feedback. That said, if I were to write this, I would start with the character in the room and the clock at 30 or 15 or something. I would use dialogue to write that entire first half of the chapter, the character explaining how they got there, maybe to someone who asks them. -I would use dialogue between the character and others to start to reveal information about some of the characters involved that will be relevant later in the story, showing how those characters interact with the MC and what knowledge they have going on, while constantly focusing on the clock ticking between every dialogue and observation the main character makes, to ground everything in the chapters conflict and add tension for it.

One other thing to note is that the character is almost entirely reactive. In my experience most web novel readers expect extremely proactive protagonists.