Can We Feel It?

SquadCammander354

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Phew, so for the last 2 days I've been watching a channel that talks about horror movies and you see movies have a lasting effect on me.
Emotionally, I'm affected and start getting a bit too into it. Basically on edge, and it's thanks to this that whenever I began hearing a clicking noise in my room; I start to get really angsty to the point that I can hear my heart beating more and more intensity.

But thankfully, after a while of testing, it was just the fucking background music in the videos. Maybe I should talk more about how these movies affect me, which is if not quite similar to how a child at a tender age is capable of absorbing new information that occurs in front of them, heavily affecting their future development.
I believe that whenever I get too deep in the story, I've done so not because I find myself entertained by it, but because my mind likes to wander wherever it feels right. I'm seeking momentary pleasure all the time, but not resorting to anything extreme like drugs or pain, but the idea that a story is a new world; my world.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD since young, and have experienced many uncomfortable moments as a child as well. This is why I want to attach myself to the stories; I want to get away from all the responsibilities that life will shove onto me. Funny though isn't it, I've been attaching myself to stories that will inevitably have an end to it, yet I deliberately don't finish for fear on what's at the end. In this case, it's not a story, but temporary "pleasures" whose only purpose is to distract me.
It's these "stories" that give my mind a period of struggle, constantly thinking about what to do next; causing me to go nowhere.

My few examples to these experiences are at the end of "A Monster Who Levels Up", and though I didn't care about the silly title or the bad translation at the beginning of the plot, the atmosphere of the story had me pushing to read more. The only reason I was able to finish it was because I downloaded the whole story on my computer during long summer months of having no Wi-Fi, forcing me to temporarily going to my Grandma's place to download these "temporary pleasures".

I felt like I was constantly pushing myself to save the pages of each and every chapter, as I would spend the next three days trying to set up my forms of entertainment, having to spend over 15 hours at my Grandma's place with just the thought of getting this done filling my mind. (The WI-FI was slow because I was also downloading...."off-brand anime".)

Everything went fine story-wise, that was until I started getting closer to the final chapters. My mind was constantly pulsing with an unnerving feeling consuming me and actually made me start to feel sad and even depressed at the main character's changes and breakdowns on the final chapters, finally seeing the lasting effects that it's had on the main cast. I felt like I could feel and understand and his pain, and felt myself trying to slow my reading pace; but time was something I had too much of.

I could clearly understand that his self of mind and consciousness was crumbling, succumbing to the pain that being alive can bring. I felt the same way about my own life, especially whenever I try to reminisce about my past as a kid. That's the thing though, I had no childhood to think of. I wasn't abused, nor was I loved too much. I was born with parents who love me but in their own ways, unknowing of the struggles and challenges that they faced.
That's why I cried and felt my heart beating when I got to the end. Even when he killed the people who claimed his parents' lives, I couldn't enjoy it. He had already lost the one he had loved the most, and he can only keep pushing himself forward even knowing that he's lost begun to lost sight of his goals, reverting him to clump of thoughts until his final heroic moment; it told us that even when his walls had all broken down around him, he was still there.
"He" is dead, even if he's still alive in the real world as a new clean slate, "He" is now gone forever; a gift given by Earth, finally ending his suffering. Even if he's been considered a Hero for his work, we all know that he will be forgotten by those in the future, leaving only those who have been in contact with him to suffer.
I'm shaken by the end, feeling as though my own walls will start to crumble and fall apart. In times where my mind is in great distress, I resort to violence as my only solution; reverting back to own instincts as an animal. Yet I was able to keep my self from breaking my composure.
I felt very personal with this story oddly enough, and when my brother offered me a ride to shop with him, I happily accepted the ride so I could escape these feelings. From then it was the lonely night sky that began pouring these feelings out, again and again, bizarre feelings that lead me to start talking to my brother about life. Although giving me much pain, it was able to calm me down, giving me some closure to how this will work out for me.
The point is, I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to be the person who will live happy, not the person who dies happy. I wonder if there are people like me, and if so, let's be happy. :p
 
Last edited:

ohko

tilda~ me~ home~ ♪
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Dec 23, 2018
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There’s a lot of very deep and powerful feelings here! I think many of us can relate to this feeling of being shaken or she’ll-shocked after reading a story that gripped us harder than normal.

I really liked how you were able to find connection with your brother through this. Finding closure is important, and sometimes the feelings that stories share with us can help us find meaning in our own lines.

And yes! Find happiness in life! Live happy!
 
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