Check out Witch & Prince Hunt

Snusmumriken

Vagabond and traveller
Joined
May 22, 2021
Messages
358
Points
63
Well, as others said - this reads like a book, not a web novel. While a praiseworthy aspect from me, it would face trouble catching the attention of many from the start. A lot of people here are used to much lighter types of stories with a more obvious and simpler plot.

There were a few missed letters outside of the dialogue, but no glaring mistakes, most likely mistype.

In terms of plot: You cut off the chapter right in front of the major first hook of your story. You have done good early characterization and light exposition of the setting (names are sparse and nothing really confused me, apart from tropical flowers blooming in the thaw). All that would definitely help readers to settle inside your characters' minds. Problem is that the first confrontation you set up, that would force us to root for them is missing.

Cliffhangers are a good way to keep people coming or a good way for them to turn the page. The cliffhanger in the first chapter - not so much, since readers aren't that invested yet. The cliffhanger with no other chapter afterwards to actually find out if this story is worth reading or not? Many would default to a no, especially here - a place rife with easy plots and obvious and quick resolutions.

You would have probably fared a bit better having a few more chapters right from the start, at least until the protagonists have some sort of path they are set on for the next few dozens of chapters (or at least like they look like they are.) Or have a much larger first chapter, that includes the Captains dialogue at least. In my opinion, 1,600 words for a book-style chapter is too little. Web novels are usually written in the 1000-2000 range. Book chapters with heavier plots usually need 3000+ words to get the ball rolling at least.

Beyond that, looking for the future - your best way to popularity would be either through networking (like you are doing here on the forums) or keep writing well-styled prose that would retain anyone who decided to give it a shot, hopefully, their future reviews and views/favourites would make your story much more noticeable. That is pretty much what happened with mine - early on my story would receive less attention compared to the stories posted alongside mine. But what kept me afloat and slowly overtake many was the reader retention.
 
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