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Starch

New member
Joined
May 25, 2019
Messages
13
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3
Big brothers and sisters, may I ask of your kindness to help me evaluate my story. I'm not new to writing and publishing stories in the web. Just that, I'm still not confident on my technical side. Especially on tenses, grammar, and things I may not have noticed.

Synopsis:
Two worlds, one man.

Pon Button, a talented young refiner torn between his brother and mother. Unbeknownst to him, his mother returned as a high mistress of the enemy forces in Wildlands. A place where his brother the 'would be' leader of an offensive army of the stronghold city, Targon. In order to seal the long cursed land.

An undesired battle fell upon his shoulders without his knowledge.
 
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Kotohood

Member
Joined
May 17, 2019
Messages
19
Points
13
Alright, I breezed through and these are the few points I got across.

1)Story is in past tense yet the events are as if it is happening in real time. It kinda brings me out of the immersion as I'm no longer in the place but looking at it like it's some sort of memory now.

2) Standard opening for a story, big bad guy destroy village, protagonist escapes etc etc. Execution is pretty alright, it's a bit too fast but otherwise pretty good.

3) Also I can't help to but to point out something near the end of the chapter. Didn't this kid just lost his entire village and his mother in one night. It just strikes me as odd that he would be smilling the next day just because he saw a tree. Regardless if this tree is some sort of legendary tree. Edit: It's not really a deal breaker, but it feels really odd to me.

These are my lousy two cents as a insignificant reader. I wish you good luck on your story.:blob_evil_two:
 
Last edited:

Starch

New member
Joined
May 25, 2019
Messages
13
Points
3
Alright, I breezed through and these are the few points I got across.

1)Story is in past tense yet the events are as if it is happening in real time. It kinda brings me out of the immersion as I'm no longer in the place but looking at it like it's some sort of memory now.

2) Standard opening for a story, big bad guy destroy village, protagonist escapes etc etc. Execution is pretty alright, it's a bit too fast but otherwise pretty good.

3) Also I can't help to but to point out something near the end of the chapter. Didn't this kid just lost his entire village and his mother in one night. It just strikes me as odd that he would be smilling the next day just because he saw a tree. Regardless if this tree is some sort of legendary tree. Edit: It's not really a deal breaker, but it feels really odd to me.

These are my lousy two cents as a insignificant reader. I wish you good luck on your story.:blob_evil_two:
Yeah, I write real weird XD
 

Paraknight

New member
Joined
May 24, 2019
Messages
17
Points
3
Big brothers and sisters, may I ask of your kindness to help me evaluate my story. I'm not new to writing and publishing stories in the web. Just that, I'm still not confident on my technical side. Especially on tenses, grammar, and things I may not have noticed.

I'll put here the link.

Probably make your Synopsis a little more, hooky to the audience? I'm hardly one to talk, though.

Since that's the first thing the audience will check. If this novel is worth it to read, y'know.
 

Starch

New member
Joined
May 25, 2019
Messages
13
Points
3
Probably make your Synopsis a little more, hooky to the audience? I'm hardly one to talk, though.

Since that's the first thing the audience will check. If this novel is worth it to read, y'know.
eek. I am not sure if it's hooky enough. Do you have a suggestion? :'(
 

Paraknight

New member
Joined
May 24, 2019
Messages
17
Points
3
eek. I am not sure if it's hooky enough. Do you have a suggestion? :'(
Like I said, I'm hardly one to talk to. But There are a lot of ways out there. I always tell this to my fellow classmates who's doing their essay:

Think of yourself as the audience.
What do I want to see?
Why do I want to continue reading this?
What makes this different from the rest of the story out there?

Or you do it like the rest:

World Building
Main Character
Story
Plot Twist (optional)

I'm gonna repeat it again, I'm hardly one to talk to about stuff like this.
 

Starch

New member
Joined
May 25, 2019
Messages
13
Points
3
Like I said, I'm hardly one to talk to. But There are a lot of ways out there. I always tell this to my fellow classmates who's doing their essay:

Think of yourself as the audience.
What do I want to see?
Why do I want to continue reading this?
What makes this different from the rest of the story out there?

Or you do it like the rest:

World Building
Main Character
Story
Plot Twist (optional)

I'm gonna repeat it again, I'm hardly one to talk to about stuff like this.
Kuhum*
I hope I gave justice to it
 
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