Could I get some feedback on my story, please? (CW: adult scenes involved)

ajrunaway

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Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
18
Points
18
Hey all

I was wondering if anyone could give me some feedback on my story: Top Ten. I don't get very many votes/comments on it, so I'm wondering what the go is. Would love and appreciate some outsider/author feedback and what could be improved.

Please keep in mind it is classified as partial erotica, so if that makes you uncomfortable or not your cup of tea, I would not recommend reading.

Thanks!
 

Mechaphobic

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Apr 23, 2021
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132
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43
Right off the bat, I can tell you that your first 2 chapters will always get the most traffic, you have a disclaimer than a bunch of pictures. When I am looking for a good first few paragraphs to really suck me in, this is a major turn-off. You then lead into a fairly well written, but standard chapter, I think the beginning is the killer. Looking at a pageview comparison, I don't think many people are making it past the beginning. I feel like this has a slow build-up and the messages load poorly on my phone, they honestly aren't even worth trying to read.

Yeah, I would say the comments are almost unnecessary, most people read via phone. They just don't look good to me when I try to view them through mine. I would also nix the disclaimer, it can be made a chapter note. My advice is clean up the beginning, Kill the first three posts, then start at ONE. If your first impression of something is the annoyance you have opening the packaging, then you are already starting off in a bad position.
 

ajrunaway

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
18
Points
18
Right off the bat, I can tell you that your first 2 chapters will always get the most traffic, you have a disclaimer than a bunch of pictures. When I am looking for a good first few paragraphs to really suck me in, this is a major turn-off. You then lead into a fairly well written, but standard chapter, I think the beginning is the killer. Looking at a pageview comparison, I don't think many people are making it past the beginning. I feel like this has a slow build-up and the messages load poorly on my phone, they honestly aren't even worth trying to read.

Yeah, I would say the comments are almost unnecessary, most people read via phone. They just don't look good to me when I try to view them through mine. I would also nix the disclaimer, it can be made a chapter note. My advice is clean up the beginning, Kill the first three posts, then start at ONE. If your first impression of something is the annoyance you have opening the packaging, then you are already starting off in a bad position.
Thank you so much for the feedback! It's really appreciated 😄 I have always wondered if the first couple of opening segments were a bother or not in opening up the story, so I'm glad you took the time to help me with my correction 😄 thanks again!
 
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