Could use some feedback for my oneshot

[Kakurenbo]

This is the link: Final Song

 

[Macha]

Most readers on ScribbleHub are silent. For feedback, I recommend writing.com or WritersCafe. Both of those sites have point systems that encourage users to leave reviews.

 

[greyblob]

what kind of feedback are you looking for? I see some inconsistencies but nothing too major. the biggest flaw imo is that you're suffering from jp-light-novels syndrome

 

[Ai-chan]

Most readers on ScribbleHub are silent. For feedback, I recommend writing.com or WritersCafe. Both of those sites have point systems that encourage users to leave reviews.

Stop being a bot, yo! Neither of those sites provide feedbacks unless you fork out money for bounties or do review for review.

This is the link: Final Song

First of all, your onomatopoeia is not written in the standard format. It's fine if you just want to share it among friends, but if you plan on sending this for short story competition, this will never win.

As short stories go, it's not too bad. The story has a direction and a theme. However, you could play on the emotional aspect a little bit more. As it is, all we know is that the song is one you sing to say farewell to your beloved. You could have brought out the emotions of the characters. For Saki, you could play on his fears and sadness that he will be left behind. For Mira, you could play on her regrets. For Officer Tsuyomi, you could have played on his dilemma and personal sense of morals.

Any of these viewpoints can be emphasized. As it is, while the story itself isn't too bad, it still lacks a soul.

 

[Kakurenbo]

Stop being a bot, yo! Neither of those sites provide feedbacks unless you fork out money for bounties or do review for review.


First of all, your onomatopoeia is not written in the standard format. It's fine if you just want to share it among friends, but if you plan on sending this for short story competition, this will never win.

As short stories go, it's not too bad. The story has a direction and a theme. However, you could play on the emotional aspect a little bit more. As it is, all we know is that the song is one you sing to say farewell to your beloved. You could have brought out the emotions of the characters. For Saki, you could play on his fears and sadness that he will be left behind. For Mira, you could play on her regrets. For Officer Tsuyomi, you could have played on his dilemma and personal sense of morals.

Any of these viewpoints can be emphasized. As it is, while the story itself isn't too bad, it still lacks a soul.

Thanks, this is actually just a short story that came to mind suddenly, so I just wrote it down without thinking about it too much. And also, this is just going to be one of the minor backstories of some supporting characters in a novel that I'm planning to write. Anyways, thanks for the feedback