Could you be satisfied with a non-conventional relationship?

AliceShiki

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Ok, I can comprehend the why. Break-ups are almost everytime very hurtful and I can see how you would want to try to avoid it especially if you were always on the receiving end of break-ups. Respect at how far you are willing to go to salvage your relationship even if I find the reason behind it not very healthy.

Im gonna share that drama that I experienced as an example for why I dont find it healthy. Not that every situation is the same. I also love to gossip.

Guy 1 and Girl 1 in a relationship for 2 years or something. I guess you could call it a open relationship? Well Guy 1 liked to have sex with anyone who was interested in him and was attractive in his eyes. Girl 1 was ok with it since it was just sex and she was head over heels for him so no harm done. Well one day he had sex with the best friend of Girl 1, lets call her Girl 2. Girl 2 was also in a relationship with Guy 2.

Girl 2 and Guy 2 were not in a open relationship so you could consider the encounter cheating on her part. The thing is that Girl 2 had a crush on Guy 1 for many years. So Girl 2 and Guy 1 came up with the idea to lead a 4 man relationship and somehow convinced Guy 2 because he found Girl 1 physically attractive and was all for the idea to have sex with his girlfriend and her. But Girl 1 was more or less pressured into the situation because she couldnt say no to him, loved him and wanted to stay with him and also because for the other 3 it was already a foregone conclusion.

Now they were in this weird 4 people relationship. But Guy 2 never got to have sex with Girl 1 because she didnt want to. No attraction and so on. Well now Guy 1 and Girl 2 had a great time but Guy 2 saw after some time no benefit in this whole thing and wanted to break up this 4ppl relationship. But Girl 2 didnt want to break it apart. Guy 2 then broke up with her and she wasnt that angry about it because she had already a crush on Guy 1 for so long. She got what she wanted.

Now it was a 3 people relationship between Guy 1 and Girl 1&2. That went on for sometime but Guy 1 started to put Girl 1 in second place. In everything that mattered to her, she was always second. She tried to cope with it for some time but she got hurt again and again. At some point she communicated her feelings about the whole situation and wanted to sort it out somehow but got told to simply live with it. Her best friend wasnt also too inclined to change the situation because she was quite happy about being put first.

At some point Girl 1 broke up with 'them'. She got really hurt by that. Not only she lost the love of her life at that point but also her best friend.
After the whole mess she lived with us for about a month and was a crying mess for the first week. Before we were privy to the inner workings of their relationship everything looked fine but one shouldnt judge a book by its cover I guess.

To summarize: In a poly-relationship everyone should be on the same page from the beginning and treated equally otherwise there waits only pain at the end.

Fun fact: Guy 1 cheated on Girl 2 after a few months. At that point it wasnt a open relationship and Girl 2 was only ok with her best friend being with them before. The first time she forgave him but not the second time so they broke up. Welp everyone was alone after that and some 'best' friends were lost.
Ouch, that's quite the messy situation! >.<

That's why I said I'd need to talk to my partner about it though! Like... I'd say I didn't really want it and would never be with anyone else other than them in a more intimate relationship. And I'd also ask my partner to tell anyone that they get closer to about our situation, like... They'd need to know that they'd be sleeping/dating someone that was already "taken" and would need to make a conscious decision based on that.

And I'd also like my partner to tell me if they were thinking about getting more serious with someone else and stuff... I'd really need some open and clear communication about the whole matter.

Open relationships and polygamy are really complicated and everyone absolutely needs to be on the same page for it to work out IMO... And well, I still don't know if I'd be able to cope with it, but between losing the love of my life and trying it out, I'd at least try.
 

Thor

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Ouch, that's quite the messy situation! >.<

That's why I said I'd need to talk to my partner about it though! Like... I'd say I didn't really want it and would never be with anyone else other than them in a more intimate relationship. And I'd also ask my partner to tell anyone that they get closer to about our situation, like... They'd need to know that they'd be sleeping/dating someone that was already "taken" and would need to make a conscious decision based on that.

And I'd also like my partner to tell me if they were thinking about getting more serious with someone else and stuff... I'd really need some open and clear communication about the whole matter.

Open relationships and polygamy are really complicated and everyone absolutely needs to be on the same page for it to work out IMO... And well, I still don't know if I'd be able to cope with it, but between losing the love of my life and trying it out, I'd at least try.

Yeah I totally get that. It was only gossiping on my part because the situation was hilarious in my opinion even if it was quite serious. But thats my outsider perspective. I never wanted to imply anything by it just some story sharing because it somewhat fit the whole non-conventional relationship topic and your answer to my prior question.

Its also something I would like for all those Harem-Novel authors to consider when they write their characters and storys. In 99% of the cases the guy is without flaws and all the harem member dont have feelings and emotions aside from unconditional love for the guy. But maybe Im just a sucker for atleast a little bit of drama :/

Also how the fuck is it possible for the guy to take his time to satisfy the needs for, in average 5 girls and I dont even mean it in a sexual way.
 

AliceShiki

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Yeah I totally get that. It was only gossiping on my part because the situation was hilarious in my opinion even if it was quite serious. But thats my outsider perspective. I never wanted to imply anything by it just some story sharing because it somewhat fit the whole non-conventional relationship topic and your answer to my prior question.

Its also something I would like for all those Harem-Novel authors to consider when they write their characters and storys. In 99% of the cases the guy is without flaws and all the harem member dont have feelings and emotions aside from unconditional love for the guy. But maybe Im just a sucker for atleast a little bit of drama :/

Also how the fuck is it possible for the guy to take his time to satisfy the needs for, in average 5 girls and I dont even mean it in a sexual way.
Oh, regarding the harem novels, I totally agree that some drama would be nice, some internal squabbles and stuff would be good. (And I also love some drama btw~ <3)

As for the satisfying needs thing... I'd say it's manageable actually. Like... Regarding the sexual part, they'd switch with each day (or each week, or each month) for one couple, so it wouldn't be too hard.

Regarding the actual part of maintaining the relationship stable. I'd say all 6 people in the relationship (MC + 5) would become one big family, and as such the majority of the time would be family time involving all 6. Of course some private time would be necessary between MC and one of the 5, but the majority would be shared, so I think the familiar needs of them all could be handled pretty well if one were to actually try to.
 

Thor

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Oh, regarding the harem novels, I totally agree that some drama would be nice, some internal squabbles and stuff would be good. (And I also love some drama btw~ <3)

As for the satisfying needs thing... I'd say it's manageable actually. Like... Regarding the sexual part, they'd switch with each day (or each week, or each month) for one couple, so it wouldn't be too hard.

Regarding the actual part of maintaining the relationship stable. I'd say all 6 people in the relationship (MC + 5) would become one big family, and as such the majority of the time would be family time involving all 6. Of course some private time would be necessary between MC and one of the 5, but the majority would be shared, so I think the familiar needs of them all could be handled pretty well if one were to actually try to.

Yeah thats a good way for how it could work. But the conditions must be somewhat perfect I think, like for example everlasting harmony between everyone. Only the one on one time would suffer from it.
 

AliceShiki

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Yeah thats a good way for how it could work. But the conditions must be somewhat perfect I think, like for example everlasting harmony between everyone. Only the one on one time would suffer from it.
Well, polygamy exists IRL. Issues definitely exist, but people are able to manage it somehow~

You just need a good coexistence and reasonable people that talk about their issues~
 

Kldran

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I remember seeing a show once talking about polyamory, and one set of interviews involved a few people in a rather large polyamorous relationship involving eight people. They mentioned that one issue which isn't often talked about when people discuss such relationships, is how incredibly complicated even simple things can get. An example they gave is simply going out to dinner. Balancing the schedules of 8 different people so that no one feels left out can be tricky.

Regarding harems in stories: I just feel like most of them are not well written at all. Admittedly, the ones I'm complaining about aren't really harem stories, just stories that have harems in them, and for some reason all the ladies are hopelessly in love with the same guy and their reasons are often little more than "Oh, he's such a nice guy" or "he saved us!". People are more complicated than that.

I did end up writing something with different types of love in it once, but the story outgrew my writing ability and is on permanent hiatus. I haven't brought it to Scribbly 'cause I don't really want to bring dead stories over. While the main love interest fell in love because the main character was doing and saying the right things, others had different responses. One ended up being more like admiration and idolization than romantic love. Another ended up ... I'm not even sure how to describe it, like wanting a piece of the main character's life, but not having the guts to go for the whole thing (and not really wanting it anyway because of the consequences that would bring) and so they end up in a semi-private affair... it's weird. Doesn't help that the main character's powerset makes everything weird. There's others the story doesn't really spend time on, who simply don't feel strongly enough to act upon it, because they know there are others who clearly are already close to the main character.

To put it simply: If there's going to be a relationship involving more than two people, it needs to have some variety in it! Not just, oh this girl has wolf ears, and that girl is an elf, and this other one uses a sword.
 

Discount_Blade

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For me, I couldnt do polyamory. It's either me and her, or I'm out. As for polygamy, sounds good and all in theory but in practice, I wouldn't have the patience for it. I was in a situation where an ex girlfriend of mine felt bad for another girl that was also apparently in love with me. So she decided she could share me. Now I know this sounds great and totally fantasy fulfillment material, but let's be honest. I have yet to meet two women that could share a single man and it not turn into some game of thrones backstabbing bullshit within a month. Even if they were bestfriends for years.

I tried it, mostly because I was just so shocked it was my ex that suggested it. So okay, two women want me. Awesome. Both were pretty. Ones curly blonde, tall and with hazel eyes. Has that valley girl cheerleader look. The other is Hispanic with an accent to die for. Within three weeks, not even a month, it was chaos.

Then the inevitable, choose one of us scenario played out and i chose neither and had them both removed from my apartment because I was appalled at both of them. It got so venomous that they were pointing knives at each other and then at me when I tried to play peacemaker. Sorry, but if a woman draws a blade on me, she better use it or it's not my fault how violently I react to her.

Eventually, both became stalkers though at different times and I had restraining orders taken out on both. One eventually committed suicide. The other moved back to Europe. For whatever reason.

Now I dont date anyone unless marriage us on the table eventually and its only monogamous. Dont have any patience for anything else.
 

Nerodith

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For me, I couldnt do polyamory. It's either me and her, or I'm out. As for polygamy, sounds good and all in theory but in practice, I wouldn't have the patience for it. I was in a situation where an ex girlfriend of mine felt bad for another girl that was also apparently in love with me. So she decided she could share me. Now I know this sounds great and totally fantasy fulfillment material, but let's be honest. I have yet to meet two women that could share a single man and it not turn into some game of thrones backstabbing bullshit within a month. Even if they were bestfriends for years.

I tried it, mostly because I was just so shocked it was my ex that suggested it. So okay, two women want me. Awesome. Both were pretty. Ones curly blonde, tall and with hazel eyes. Has that valley girl cheerleader look. The other is Hispanic with an accent to die for. Within three weeks, not even a month, it was chaos.

Then the inevitable, choose one of us scenario played out and i chose neither and had them both removed from my apartment because I was appalled at both of them. It got so venomous that they were pointing knives at each other and then at me when I tried to play peacemaker. Sorry, but if a woman draws a blade on me, she better use it or it's not my fault how violently I react to her.

Eventually, both became stalkers though at different times and I had restraining orders taken out on both. One eventually committed suicide. The other moved back to Europe. For whatever reason.

Now I dont date anyone unless marriage us on the table eventually and its only monogamous. Dont have any patience for anything else.
Wow, holy crap. That's some serious drama you went through :blob_pat_sad:
I hope you don't blame yourself for what happened. those two clearly knew what they were getting into
 

Discount_Blade

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Wow, holy crap. That's some serious drama you went through :blob_pat_sad:
I hope you don't blame yourself for what happened. those two clearly knew what they were getting into
Nah dont blame myself. I expressed my doubts from the beginning but eh oh well, it happened. Polygamy sounds good until put into practice and I find polyamory to be just a bad joke frequently retold with a new punchline less funny every retelling.

Can call it conservatism or traditionalism or whatever, but polyamory is flawed and will fail more often then not. Polygamy is....troublesome. I can see people being together without marriage and that's fine. I won't, but I can see it. I also wont marry without initial prenup agreement that we keep what is ours and no half splitting anything if it isn't yours to begin with. Women tend to win those disputes in divorce court with overwhelming odds and I'm a dude so yeah.....

As for marriage but not living together......you got married.....why? Sexless marriage, even if you have low libido....unless you have a physical ailment that completely prevent sex, your marriage will fail. In fact, even if you have a physical ailment preventing it, the marriage will still most likely fail even if everything was rosey before the said ailment formed. People say sex doesnt matter, only the love...but yeah....bullshit. Poetry is best left on paper peeps. They are always exceptions to this, but they are extremely rare.
 
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Nerodith

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In my case, I also really like non-conventional relationships stories. I tend to like fordidden love stories in general :blob_aww: But there are some I only like because I know they're fictionnal. Like incest for example. I don't mind incest romances, I've read quite a few before. I even found it cute in some cases. But the moment the idea that it could happen IRL crosses my mind, then it totally grosses me out. 🤢

  • Polyamory/Polygamy
The concept itself doesn't bother me, but it's not for me. I am absolutely unable to fall in love with several people at the same time. Once I fall in love, that's it. I totally lose interest in the others. I can have several crushes, but absolutely not several lovers. And I definitely don't want to share my partner either. That's the one big difference between a friend and a lover for me. I can share a friend, not a lover. As for in stories, I like them only when they're well done. And since it's not the case 99% of the time, I tend to avoid harem stories like the plague.
  • A couple that lives together but won't get married / Married couple that never lives together
I'm okay with both. I used to always picture myself getting married, but ever since I'm in a relationship, I realized that things were fine that way too and that marriage was not that indispensable. As for living together, I'd prefer if we could, but if we can't, it's not a drama either.
  • Friends that like each other but will never admit that they're dating / A couple that won't admit their mutual feelings of affection and instead pretend they hate each other
Nope. I don't even understant the point. This kind of situation is so frustrating, both IRL and in stories.
  • Sexless marriage
Why not ? My libido isn't very high to begin with so, although I'd prefer not to, I could live without sex.
  • Friends with benefits
While the concept doesn't bother me, it's a no for me. For me, sex is an intimate act that connects people both physically and emotionally, it's something I'll never be able to do with someone I don't love.
  • Fake marriage / relationship
It depends what is at stake, because that's sound like a real bother.
  • A couple where somebody doesn't admit they are homosexual
I can't possibly see that ending well. Because that would mean one of them is actually not in love with the other, so that relationship is one-sided, so it's not a relationship at all :blob_neutral:
 

AliceShiki

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For me, I couldnt do polyamory. It's either me and her, or I'm out. As for polygamy, sounds good and all in theory but in practice, I wouldn't have the patience for it. I was in a situation where an ex girlfriend of mine felt bad for another girl that was also apparently in love with me. So she decided she could share me. Now I know this sounds great and totally fantasy fulfillment material, but let's be honest. I have yet to meet two women that could share a single man and it not turn into some game of thrones backstabbing bullshit within a month. Even if they were bestfriends for years.

I tried it, mostly because I was just so shocked it was my ex that suggested it. So okay, two women want me. Awesome. Both were pretty. Ones curly blonde, tall and with hazel eyes. Has that valley girl cheerleader look. The other is Hispanic with an accent to die for. Within three weeks, not even a month, it was chaos.

Then the inevitable, choose one of us scenario played out and i chose neither and had them both removed from my apartment because I was appalled at both of them. It got so venomous that they were pointing knives at each other and then at me when I tried to play peacemaker. Sorry, but if a woman draws a blade on me, she better use it or it's not my fault how violently I react to her.

Eventually, both became stalkers though at different times and I had restraining orders taken out on both. One eventually committed suicide. The other moved back to Europe. For whatever reason.

Now I dont date anyone unless marriage us on the table eventually and its only monogamous. Dont have any patience for anything else.
I'd say that the two women involved in this situation were not the most mentally stable people out there... I'd blame it much more on them than on Polyamory itself... >.>
 

Thor

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I'd say that the two women involved in this situation were not the most mentally stable people out there... I'd blame it much more on them than on Polyamory itself... >.>

While you are right about them being mentally unstable (highly likely) and therefore also are to blame for it to not working out, it also shows that people who are practicing those concepts have to really understand them and stand behind them. Lets not forget the effort they have to put in for it to work out. Not many people are willing to put their needs and expectations on second place, longterm. Selfishness is a bitch in that regard.

Still that story was fucked up oO I feel lucky to never had to deal with crazy people.
 

AliceShiki

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While you are right about them being mentally unstable (highly likely) and therefore also are to blame for it to not working out, it also shows that people who are practicing those concepts have to really understand them and stand behind them. Lets not forget the effort they have to put in for it to work out. Not many people are willing to put their needs and expectations on second place, longterm. Selfishness is a bitch in that regard.

Still that story was fucked up oO I feel lucky to never had to deal with crazy people.
Aye! I agree that everyone should have the proper expectations and understanding of the troubles that come with a polyamorous relationship!

Nothing but trouble will come if everyone isn't on the same page and hasn't given proper thought to this.
 

OneSixSeven

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I would rather have it with love and child. Take responsibility together.
 

PrincessFelicie

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I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship with three different partners, one of them long distance, and I don't think I could handle monogamy. I'm not equipped to handle a single person's full array of emotional needs, hence why my partners are also polyamorous and don't have only little old me to rely on - and it's the same thing the other way around. It's for the better for everybody involved that we aren't monogamous.

Now at to what non-standard relationships I enjoy in fiction... Basically everything save for centralized harems and for situations where there is hatred in the relationship.
 

BenJepheneT

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  • A couple where somebody doesn't admit they are homosexual
I can't possibly see that ending well. Because that would mean one of them is actually not in love with the other, so that relationship is one-sided, so it's not a relationship at all :blob_neutral:

but think about it this way. if the partner manages to satisfy the closet-homo to an emotional level no other person has managed to, why wouldn't you? by the way, when i mean satisfy, i don't mean sexually. relationships are more than just Step 1: Plug Hole. If a guy can keep me company and happier than any woman could ever do then I'll gladly go with the guy and hide the fact that I'm straighter than a ten-foot pole.
 

Nerodith

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but think about it this way. if the partner manages to satisfy the closet-homo to an emotional level no other person has managed to, why wouldn't you? by the way, when i mean satisfy, i don't mean sexually. relationships are more than just Step 1: Plug Hole. If a guy can keep me company and happier than any woman could ever do then I'll gladly go with the guy and hide the fact that I'm straighter than a ten-foot pole.
I just don't think it can work. Because if you need some company, you can just stay friends with the other person. Very close friends, but still friends. Because the moment you start being in a relationship, you have other expectations. Expectations that can't be met with a partner of the gender you're not attracted to. Try to put yourself in this situation (I'll just assume you're an heterosexual guy): would you be able to date another guy, even if it's entirely platonic? And what would be the difference with a simple friendship then?

And even if it work out, wouldn't that be extremely unfair for the partner?
Because let's suppose that might work in the short-term. At long term, the closet homo will start to be unsatisfied with this relationship. Sooner or later, they'll grow tired of their partner (because you know, they're simply not in love with them). It will necessarily show in the relationship. The partner will not understand and will try everything to rekindle the flame (which will be pointless because that flame never existed in the first place). Then you have two possible results. They either choose to stay together, but neither are satisfied or happy with this, or they break up. And then, the one who will suffer the most is the partner. Worse, if they stay in a relationship, the closet-homo might cheat on their partner. And to be honest, there are almost 8 billions of people in the world, the chances that you will never meet one that fulfill your expectations is very low. And when you meet that person, you'll have to dump the other person (unless you're an ass :blob_evil_two:). So in all cases, that's not cool for the partner.
 

BenJepheneT

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I just don't think it can work. Because if you need some company, you can just stay friends with the other person. Very close friends, but still friends. Because the moment you start being in a relationship, you have other expectations. Expectations that can't be met with a partner of the gender you're not attracted to. Try to put yourself in this situation (I'll just assume you're an heterosexual guy): would you be able to date another guy, even if it's entirely platonic? And what would be the difference with a simple friendship then?

And even if it work out, wouldn't that be extremely unfair for the partner?
Because let's suppose that might work in the short-term. At long term, the closet homo will start to be unsatisfied with this relationship. Sooner or later, they'll grow tired of their partner (because you know, they're simply not in love with them). It will necessarily show in the relationship. The partner will not understand and will try everything to rekindle the flame (which will be pointless because that flame never existed in the first place). Then you have two possible results. They either choose to stay together, but neither are satisfied or happy with this, or they break up. And then, the one who will suffer the most is the partner. Worse, if they stay in a relationship, the closet-homo might cheat on their partner. And to be honest, there are almost 8 billions of people in the world, the chances that you will never meet one that fulfill your expectations is very low. And when you meet that person, you'll have to dump the other person (unless you're an ass :blob_evil_two:). So in all cases, that's not cool for the partner.

Or, surprise surprise, you're a homo all along. Or, surprise surprise, you convince your closet-homo to convert into heterotism and live out your greatest fantasy of multi-gendered polygamy.
 

AliceShiki

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but think about it this way. if the partner manages to satisfy the closet-homo to an emotional level no other person has managed to, why wouldn't you? by the way, when i mean satisfy, i don't mean sexually. relationships are more than just Step 1: Plug Hole. If a guy can keep me company and happier than any woman could ever do then I'll gladly go with the guy and hide the fact that I'm straighter than a ten-foot pole.
I just don't think it can work. Because if you need some company, you can just stay friends with the other person. Very close friends, but still friends. Because the moment you start being in a relationship, you have other expectations. Expectations that can't be met with a partner of the gender you're not attracted to. Try to put yourself in this situation (I'll just assume you're an heterosexual guy): would you be able to date another guy, even if it's entirely platonic? And what would be the difference with a simple friendship then?

And even if it work out, wouldn't that be extremely unfair for the partner?
Because let's suppose that might work in the short-term. At long term, the closet homo will start to be unsatisfied with this relationship. Sooner or later, they'll grow tired of their partner (because you know, they're simply not in love with them). It will necessarily show in the relationship. The partner will not understand and will try everything to rekindle the flame (which will be pointless because that flame never existed in the first place). Then you have two possible results. They either choose to stay together, but neither are satisfied or happy with this, or they break up. And then, the one who will suffer the most is the partner. Worse, if they stay in a relationship, the closet-homo might cheat on their partner. And to be honest, there are almost 8 billions of people in the world, the chances that you will never meet one that fulfill your expectations is very low. And when you meet that person, you'll have to dump the other person (unless you're an ass :blob_evil_two:). So in all cases, that's not cool for the partner.
May I suggest a video on the topic? I think a good place to start is to look at the experiences of people that already went through this kind of relationship.

 

ohko

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May I suggest a video on the topic? I think a good place to start is to look at the experiences of people that already went through this kind of relationship.

This video felt weirdly disturbing :blob_upset::blob_upset::blob_upset: Especially the comments section
 
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