Crossing Gender Mentality

[Partysan]

Step one: don’t overthink it!

The differences between individual women are so much greater than between men and women in general that an individual woman can have pretty much any personality you can think of without it being unbelievable. It can become unrealistic if you portray every woman in that same way, but for an individual anything goes, regardless of how feminine or masculine you may think of it.

Many bad examples from places like r/menwritingwomen come from taking a clearly external perspective and putting it into the internal monologue of the character – it’s written in ways that nobody regardless of gender would think about themselves. Rule of thumbdick: if it makes sense for you to think about your own dick like that, you’re allowed to write it about breasts.

Step two: actual characters

The easiest way to write weak and unbelievable characters is to not write characters at all but plot devices. When you come up with a character, whatever gender they may have, think at the very least about what they wish, what they fear and what they think about their situation. Then, make them act in ways that make sense in this framework. Lastly, remember that the character is an individual and not every character of the same gender will work like that. Someone who fears conflict, loves baking and is happy with their home life will have different opinions than someone who dreams of adventure, fears being trapped and hates that everyone expects them to settle down and marry. Which brings us to…

Step three: differences that matter

While the most intrinsic differences between men and women may be the biological ones, those aren’t all that relevant to most stories. Yes, if pregnancy is an issue that’s one and the period can be a detail to look out for, but the vast majority of issues are going to be related to society’s expectations and the reactions to them. So you’ll first need to know what your world is like in terms of gendered behaviour and expectations and then decide the character’s stance towards them.

In a society where women are expected to be home-makers, a woman who loves cooking and playing with children will probably get along fine, even if she dislikes cleaning and enjoys studying military history at the side. A woman who loves brawling and rock-climbing and is asexual will have her troubles. The same woman however may thrive in a society in which women are elemental combat mages and the other girl would be relegated to a servant role (not much change there I guess).

But that’s just step one: how do they react to the mismatched expectations? Do they fight for the freedom to express themselves? Do they grit their teeth and try to please their family? Do they try and pick their battles, finding small outlets, little avenues of freedom and minor victories? Do they blame themselves or the society if they don’t fit in? For those who do fit in, do they ever second-guess the roles they’re assigned or does it seem natural to them? When confronted with someone who doesn’t fit in, do they empathise or oppress? And then this may be different for different issues in each character.

You don’t have to do all of these themes at once. You don’t have to do any of these. But realistic gender-based narratives usually based in these issues rather than breasts.

…

That said…

Spoiler

Breast Practices: a guy’s guide to self-sexualisation

Let’s say your life as a man can never be complete until you’ve written a piece from the perspective of a women that’s all about her breasts. Let’s also say that someone has unfortunately told you about r/menwritingwomen and you feel obligated to do at least the minimum due diligence as a writer. So let’s use the rule of dick and contrive situations in which you can write about your character’s breasts all night long while being only the second lowest form of writer in existence. So, when do you think about your dick?

You’re doing something with it

When you’re peeing, washing your privates or having sex you’ll probably notice your dick. A woman, too, may notice her breasts when washing them, doing something sexual with them or nursing. That’s fairly incidental though, so let’s not dwell on it.

I quickly spread the soap around my neck, my armpits, the sweaty spots under my breasts. A thorough shower would have to wait until after the invasion.

You have a complex about it

If you think about your dick all the time, chances are you think it’s too small, too big or too weirdly shaped. You’re afraid that people will judge you and/or make fun of you. If people look at you strangely, you assume it’s because of your dick. Maybe you also overcompensate and instead constantly look at your dick in the mirror and tell everyone about how big it is. Well, this can happen with breasts too, and they’re easier for everyone to see than your dick (unless you have the bigness problem). This may be because of past incidents, unreasonable expectations or genetic bad luck, but in most cases it’s a character flaw to be eventually overcome, although some writers will also make it into an excruciatingly unfunny running gag.

My eyes surveyed the cafeteria, looking for Chelsey’s unmistakable orange head. I homed in on a red shimmer towards the left corner, then awkwardly changed direction when I saw Dennis sitting with her. Why him of all people? I can’t believe I ever liked this guy. Six years, and I can still hear them shouting “Flatboard, flatboard!” Forget about it, girl. Only dumb, childish name-calling. Not worth thinking about.
Now aimless, I steered towards the food counter and grabbed a tray. I wasn’t actually hungry, but well, breasts are made of fat right? It couldn’t hurt anyway.
“One chocolate milk, please!”, I said, internally bristling at the look of pity the fat matron behind the counter gave me. IT’S NOT MY FAULT I’M A LATE BLOOMER, OK?

Something’s new

If something about your dick recently changed, you’ll probably be hyper-aware of it for a while. You’ll feel it more consciously, rubbing against your pants, hanging between your legs, looking one-eyed into the mirror. Luckily, breasts are even easier to have things happen to than dicks! You can become more sensitive through pregnancy or just hormonal fluctuation, you can surgically alter their size, you can do sexy and kinky things to them (that you’ll potentially feel for a while), you can get them pierced and someone could even just remind you of their existence by intently looking at them.

For the third time I adjusted my bra. “It’s no use.”, I sighed. Ever since I had Micky, my breasts were just constantly swollen and itchy, my nipples rubbing against the fabric in ways that had very quickly ceased to be exciting and now just hurt. The dull, throbbing pain made me seriously contemplate going to the restroom and just taking off my bra, but this was a church gathering and watchful eyes had been on me ever since the baptism incident. I looked up, then winced as I caught the unflinching stare of the pastor’s wife. Yep, definitely no taking off the bra until I get home. At least Thomas certainly appreciates my newfound sensitivity.

It comes up naturally in everyday life

Sometimes your dick is just relevant. Maybe you just caught it in your zipper. Maybe you’re admiring your naked form in a mirror (and you don’t have any complex like the poor guys in the second point). This shouldn’t happen all the time, but a well-placed reminder that you have a dick may just put the reader in the right mood.

Breasts, due to their continued existence in spacetime, can also come up this way. You could feel pain when somebody collides with your front, be exhausted by their weight after running or, if that’s the kind of person you are, just affirm your hotness with a quick peek at your reflection in a window. (Keep those rare, if do this all the time you’re at the complexes again.)

The top snapped to my skin, hugging my chest uncomfortably closely. While I brushed my hair I promised myself for the umpteenth time that I’d buy myself a few clothes that I could actually fit into comfortably, but at the back of my head I knew that once I saw the cute barista blushing again when he sold me breakfast, trying desperately not to look below my eyes, I would decide it wasn’t that urgent after all. Vain? Maybe. But Hawt? Definitely. Go get’em girl!



Now please keep in mind that these examples are all still casually sexist, just not maliciously so. They're intended as much as jokes as they are instructions and should, if at all, used in a less breast-heavy context. If all your writing sound like this, you're probably a perv.

EVERYTHING WITHIN THESE SPOILER TAGS IS ÌNTENDED TO BE READ HUMOROUSLY

 

[Mwpensword]

Rule of dick, that confused me at first but I think will be very useful. When I try writing a female protagonist I really want to get into the mindset.

 

[Partysan]

I'm glad that it's helpful. Just remember, the rule of dick only tells you whether something is believable to think about yourself. It doesn't tell you whether your character is sexist, well represented or well written Just one tool in the box.

 

[yansusustories]

I agree with quite a few things others have already mentioned: Yes, personality-wise, there isn't much of a difference between men and women per se but the way women act is (sometimes) influenced by the expectations society puts on us and the way we're raised. There are different degrees to how far that goes in individual women though.

One thing I'd like to add because I think it might be helpful: This type of question (with no ties to writing) often seems to come up on Reddit so looking at those threads could be an idea to find what you're looking for as well. If you're not into Reddit, there are some compilation videos with some answers and responses to them on YouTube. I casually looked just now and found those two that seem to have some good points:
Women, what important thing you think men really cannot understand about you?
Women, What Are You Dying To Tell Men? (r/AskReddit)
Some of these were already mentioned by @Moonpearl but maybe the responses can help elaborate on that a bit.

Going beyond that, I think this is very much reliant on what kind of setting you have in mind. Like, things could be different in an alternate world or fantasy world. If we're talking contemporary, real-life though, one further thing I would like to point to would be the media. This is actually very much true for men as well but I think it's a very good starting point when looking for expectations that are being set in quite a few parts of life.
E.g. go to a store and take five random magazines targeted at women that are in the age-range of your MC. Look at the editorial. If it is not a special interest magazine, chances are you'll find a big part beauty, a big part celebs, fashion (often combined with both of the previous parts), then cooking, and home-making (e.g. DIY-stuff, latest living trends, ...). And then maybe they have a page or two dedicated to some business-woman who has a great career because strong women and stuff (but actually, they think you need to just look good - the businesswoman will have perfect makeup and hair as well if she's shown).
If you're into that, there's also some research about the representation of women (also men) in the media and what effects that has. (Hint: A huge one.)

 

[FlutterOfCrows]

*Intense confusion, as bird look about*

 

[OvidLemma]

Fiction writing is an art and not a science. That said, you need to be very observant about people and how they act, react, and talk about their own experiences to understand them - women, men, children, it doesn't matter. If you can leave as much of your personal bias by the wayside as possible and just write a believable person, you've done your job... almost. The real problem isn't writing a single character - people are variable enough that almost any reasonably-coherent character could be a person. The real problem is writing many characters. A world of characters. If all of the women you write sound/act the same, or if all of them are caricaturized in a certain way, then you aren't writing for believability (though some audiences may be okay with that). This is where your keen observation really comes into play. Regardless of any individual character, your characters as a whole have to feel right - the women have to feel like women, the men have to feel like men, the boys and girls have to feel like boys and girls, etc. - they have to come across as real people in the real world, and if they don't, then you should have a pretty good reason for changing things up. And you accomplish all of this by observing how people speak, how they act and react, and internalizing a version of that for your characters. When you write a character, in that moment, you are that character.

 

[Tejoka]

Of course, everyone's an individual. If you know how to write good characters, that's almost universal. But there are differences, often subtle. I usually get a feeling for if a female character was written by a man, there's just something a little off about it (often, not always). This is especially true when it comes to gender conventions and dealing with stereotypes.

It can be pretty hard to know what's really going on in people's heads, and why they act the way they do. Whether that's people with a different gender, a different cultural background, or whatever. Sure, listening to them is important. Keeping an open mind even more so. But what you should also do if you're really serious about it is talking to them, trying to figure out why they're acting or talking a certain way. In the case of minorities, maybe do some research into the culture, listen to people on Youtube, or whatever.

Even people who consider themselves progressive (and, honestly, are progressive) can be pretty ignorant about what some people call "privilege". Sometimes just because "nah, this can't be that big a deal", and I have the suspicion that they subconsciously don't want to think about it. Of course, that only comes from a few conversations I've had, so maybe there were other factors. I mean, I don't agree with everything some of the more radical people say, but there are still effects of gender visible in e.g. gender norms or the gender wage gap. In a story set in the modern world, those can have effects, as well. Let alone the typical medieval fantasy.