Death's first chapter feedback

[jabathehut]

I will tell you whether I would read your next chapter and why or why not. It looks fun. Come, shower me in your adulations

 

[Deleted member 46002]

I shall be your first client

 

[BenJepheneT]

I will tell you whether I would read your next chapter and why or why not. It looks fun. Come, shower me in your adulations

Caninstinct

Shiro believes he's been sent to the wrong school. Rormund Academy: home to only the best of the best. A school so exclusive even its name remains elusive to the public. An establishment where only the wealthiest, smartest, and most athletic students of the world reside. Shiro exhibits none of...

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Screw me senseless, my guy

 

[jabathehut]

I shall be your first client

Would not read.

Pros: good imagery in some areas, sympathy for main character, conflict driving scenes.

Cons: Obvious mishaps with English, using the wrong words in some places, strange syntax and grammar, stilted dialogue. Could be vastly improved with some line editing.

 

[jabathehut]

Caninstinct

Shiro believes he's been sent to the wrong school. Rormund Academy: home to only the best of the best. A school so exclusive even its name remains elusive to the public. An establishment where only the wealthiest, smartest, and most athletic students of the world reside. Shiro exhibits none of...

www.scribblehub.com

Screw me senseless, my guy

The intrigue built up in the auditorium and wonder what is going on is A+. The comedy is good with the evaluation of the characters net worth. As is the characterization with revealing how little he owned.

Almost DNF at the fight scene. Would have DNF there if it wasn't from this thread. Imagery felt awkward at some points, I can highlight sentences if you want. The transition between the two scenes is a little disjointed and left me confused about what was happening til the other scene came back. It pulled me out of the chapter. I'm not really sure to expect out of the rest of the story. Not sure if this is a lot of fighting or focused on conflict between classes?

Wouldn't read

 

[BenJepheneT]

Imagery felt awkward at some points, I can highlight sentences if you want.

This is my first serious attempt at writing, so yeah, it's bad. But I'll still take those highlights.

The transition between the two scenes is a little disjointed and left me confused about what was happening til the other scene came back. It pulled me out of the chapter. I'm not really sure to expect out of the rest of the story. Not sure if this is a lot of fighting or focused on conflict between classes?

If it makes it any better, this is the only chapter that presents itself in this format. The future chapters are more or less linear, with little flashbacks interjected in between; even then, said flashbacks are presented in clear, italicized format with closure from the present before moving on with the memories.

As for the theme of the story, if you're still curious, that'll be for you to find out. Don't worry; it'll all click as you read.

 

[CypherTails]

Tell me what you think, I'm not sure if the initial hook is good enough. The original plan was to put the first two chapters together, so I'm not sure if splitting then was a good idea. They were split due to pacing reasons, it just seemed better to split it at the time but now I'm not sure.

Diary of a Lost Soldier in Another World

Onaga Katsuro a seventeen-year-old soldier in the JSDF finds himself fighting in the second Russo-Japanese war in the year 2045. Due to manpower shortages, the Japanese government starts using child soldiers, even using girls as young as 14. Onaga Katsuro and his platoon of child soldiers are...

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