Does anyone want to critique my story?

[morhamza]

So I'm writing a series called Eternal. It's just four chapters so far but I'm looking for constructive criticisms, thoughts and opinions.
The synopsis isn't particularly good so I haven't been able to draw readers in, but I would like to know what works and what doesn't.

Eternal

What would you do if you were given an infinite amount of time? Would you consider it a blessing or a curse? How would you pass your days? Follow the story of Silas who was made into an immortal. Experience his tragedies, his triumphs and blunders. A life that stretches...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 52382]

no replies?

 

[Remuria]

I've read it.

Contrary to you, I think the synopsis is actually good. It seems like a time manipulation story, which is my favorite. There are some minor confusion in the story though. First, I am under the impression (from the synopsis) that the protagonist is male, but when in chapter one there is one scene stating that the MC is an identical twin with his sister.
So I am like... wait, so this is female protagonist... but then when the story went on and it is clear that the MC is male, right?

Chapter 1 is good too, a prologue-like chapter. But I would say in chapter 2-4 you prolong the fight too much. For me, I need something to establish more interested in the MC first before I would care about his fight.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

I've read it.

Contrary to you, I think the synopsis is actually good. It seems like a time manipulation story, which is my favorite. There are some minor confusion in the story though. First, I am under the impression (from the synopsis) that the protagonist is male, but when in chapter one there is one scene stating that the MC is an identical twin with his sister.
So I am like... wait, so this is female protagonist... but then when the story went on and it is clear that the MC is male, right?

Chapter 1 is good too, a prologue-like chapter. But I would say in chapter 2-4 you prolong the fight too much. For me, I need something to establish more interested in the MC first before I would care about his fight.

Gp. Never thought to point that out. Identical twin ah i see.
Probably they meant fraternal twins.

 

[morhamza]

I've read it.

Contrary to you, I think the synopsis is actually good. It seems like a time manipulation story, which is my favorite. There are some minor confusion in the story though. First, I am under the impression (from the synopsis) that the protagonist is male, but when in chapter one there is one scene stating that the MC is an identical twin with his sister.
So I am like... wait, so this is female protagonist... but then when the story went on and it is clear that the MC is male, right?

Chapter 1 is good too, a prologue-like chapter. But I would say in chapter 2-4 you prolong the fight too much. For me, I need something to establish more interested in the MC first before I would care about his fight.

Thanks for pointing out the identical twins part. I don't know how I missed that in edit. I'll go back and edit that. Lol.

About the prolonged fight... I don't even know. I tend to get long winded and lost in descriptions when I write. The reason I take a week is mostly cause I'm editing things out and refining my grammar, making sure the new stuff I'm adding doesn't conflate with already established ones.

You're right too about the early fight. I sometimes forget that the reader and myself aren't on the same page and I know more about the story and the character, so I care more about them.

In my head it made sense, but perhaps I haven't done enough to sufficiently make the reader invested in the wellbeing of the character. Hopefully the next few chapters will be better.

 

[Remuria]

In my head it made sense, but perhaps I haven't done enough to sufficiently make the reader invested in the wellbeing of the character. Hopefully the next few chapters will be better.

It is just my preference. I don't really like pure action novel, that's all. For me, only when the story or something really interesting happen first would I care to read the fight scene. There might be other who doesn't think like me though.

Gp. Never thought to point that out. Identical twin ah i see.
Probably they meant fraternal twins.

I just really stories with twin in general.

That's why it really stick out to me.

 

[strayCat0]

I've read your story since early April. The greatest problem is, almost like what other had said above, that your fighting scene is far too long. There is nothing to invest about it, because readers don't really know what is this spell and attack that. It became much worse because you tried to explain those right away in that action scene. I believe readers would enjoy the action more if they already understood what are [Mind Talk], [Shield Presence], and others.

Spoiler: example 1/chapter 4

Unlike us, the Lycans didn't train for combat. They were simply wild beasts that took delight in their own strength and went to battle trusting that. So of course when met with opposition capable of inflicting damage on them, they lost their reasoning due to the pain.

Titus called them babies in battle. Even with their fast healing, their threshold for pain was abysmal. They lost their composure and that negated their superiority. Before we were able to deal significant damage to the Lycan, he was far superior to us. But now having suffered damage at our hands, he was far more inferior.

This description came out of nowhere where everything is right in the middle of tense situation. I assume you tried to introduce Lycans gradually so it will look natural, but it backfired (at least for me), because not only readers can't invest the action scene, they aren't able to skim it because of this kind of description in fear of missing something. To put it harshly, it's too burdensome to read chapter 3 to 4.

Spoiler: example 2/chapter 4

We were still young so the side effects of the magic was relatively tamer for us. Some of the older warriors almost lost the use of their limbs. I had experienced strengthening magic at different times in my life, and yet, after an hour of activities under its effect I was left incredibly weakened. It took days to recover.

This is only my opinion, you don't need to do exactly what I said or even follow it. But it would be better if you explain this in another scene and with different atmosphere, and showing that MC's being weakened is already enough. You don't really need to explain it more because usually, people would already understand that the younger you're, the less skillfull/powerful you're compared to adults. Unless it happens the opposite, that's where you need to justificate it. Just do it in moderation, and if somehow you need to explain it after this for any reason, just believe in your gut.

On a side note, your story started right in the middle of a conflict, so I kinda understand why the action scene is kind of extended

 

[morhamza]

I've read your story since early April. The greatest problem is, almost like what other had said above, that your fighting scene is far too long. There is nothing to invest about it, because readers don't really know what is this spell and attack that. It became much worse because you tried to explain those right away in that action scene. I believe readers would enjoy the action more if they already understood what are [Mind Talk], [Shield Presence], and others.

Spoiler: example 1/chapter 4

Unlike us, the Lycans didn't train for combat. They were simply wild beasts that took delight in their own strength and went to battle trusting that. So of course when met with opposition capable of inflicting damage on them, they lost their reasoning due to the pain.

Titus called them babies in battle. Even with their fast healing, their threshold for pain was abysmal. They lost their composure and that negated their superiority. Before we were able to deal significant damage to the Lycan, he was far superior to us. But now having suffered damage at our hands, he was far more inferior.

This description came out of nowhere where everything is right in the middle of tense situation. I assume you tried to introduce Lycans gradually so it will look natural, but it backfired (at least for me), because not only readers can't invest the action scene, they aren't able to skim it because of this kind of description in fear of missing something. To put it harshly, it's too burdensome to read chapter 3 to 4.

Spoiler: example 2/chapter 4

We were still young so the side effects of the magic was relatively tamer for us. Some of the older warriors almost lost the use of their limbs. I had experienced strengthening magic at different times in my life, and yet, after an hour of activities under its effect I was left incredibly weakened. It took days to recover.

This is only my opinion, you don't need to do exactly what I said or even follow it. But it would be better if you explain this in another scene and with different atmosphere, and showing that MC's being weakened is already enough. You don't really need to explain it more because usually, people would already understand that the younger you're, the less skillfull/powerful you're compared to adults. Unless it happens the opposite, that's where you need to justificate it. Just do it in moderation, and if somehow you need to explain it after this for any reason, just believe in your gut.

On a side note, your story started right in the middle of a conflict, so I kinda understand why the action scene is kind of extended

Ah, I know I tend to get lost in descriptions too, and I am aware a big chunk of backstory was skipped over. That is probably why I describe things as they appear, so the reader doesn't get confused as they read.

In future arcs I will try and incorporate the lead's backstory more. I started with the idea of a really old narrator who has forgotten a huge chunk of his life, but I got slaughtered by one of my readers for skipping many things. For example, they wanted to know more about his time studying magic. They felt I hadn't spent enough time on his training as a warrior. Also, apparently, the deaths felt useless as they had no attachment to the characters before their death.

All in all, I need to work more on my build-up. Thank you for your critique. I also feel I come up short in many areas, hopefully as I develop the story further I become a bit better.

 

[TheTrinary]

Wrong forum. Go to story feedback.

 

[Not_A_Symphony]

So I'm writing a series called Eternal. It's just four chapters so far but I'm looking for constructive criticisms, thoughts and opinions.
The synopsis isn't particularly good so I haven't been able to draw readers in, but I would like to know what works and what doesn't.

Eternal

What would you do if you were given an infinite amount of time? Would you consider it a blessing or a curse? How would you pass your days? Follow the story of Silas who was made into an immortal. Experience his tragedies, his triumphs and blunders. A life that stretches...

www.scribblehub.com

Even though this is on the wrong forum, I will tell you my opinion either way.
I read the synopsis and a couple of first chapters and I feel like you have a lot of room for improvement.
First, the synopsis itself is not something the majority of the people would click since it pretty much tells them absolutely nothing regarding the plot itself, in other words, it doesn't make the readers eager to know what you are writing about. Leaving open questions (like "Will she be able to change her past and defeat her upcoming future?"), or just exposing the main plot + some extras (like "Darwin was a young boy that lost his parents in an accident. Blinded by hatred he intends to follow the only lead he has: Ariel, the fortune teller that predicted the event several days before) end up being a good way to attract the attention of new readers. The way you are currently writing it just makes it sound "boring" since you are not talking about anything in specific.

Follow the story of Silas who was made into an immortal. Experience his tragedies, his triumphs and blunders. A life that stretches so far there is no end in sight. Read how Silas handles time, his perspective on things shaped by an uncountable duration of time and unfathomable experiences.

I noticed that this your first novel so let me tell you a couple of things. There are two types of novels: light novels (which consist of around 1500 letters per chapter, few details, and short sentences) and novels (which have more letters, more details, and longer sentences). You can also attempt to do a book, with extremely long chapters. It would be wise to see in what of these types you want to fit your novel in: short and concise or long and detailed.
Regarding the chapters, well... I read the first chapter and I felt boredom come over me. Keep in mind that the first chapter is your most important chapter since that is the one where the readers will start and make their decision: abandon the work and stay at the 1st chapter or continue their reading. I noticed that some of your readers give up on the first chapter, that is quite natural since people have different tastes but if you noticed that the majority doesn't pass from the first chapter then that means you need to improve your chapter.
Personally, I felt that you delivered excessive information. Taking into account that the MC is a person who is immortal, who has lived for hundreds of years, the main plot will rotate around his past, his present, and his future so, knowing this, you shouldn't deliver all his past in a silver platter. By this I mean that the first chapter could contain a little bit of information regarding his past and his family but doesn't need to have all those details (like Lycanns, his lack of magic, or even how his family relation is), in fact, it would be wiser to just have a "nostalgia" moment within the novel and go through some scenes of his past in order for the reader to understand what he has gone through instead of just stating it like this.
The first chapter should also have some action, like having the MC dialogue with someone or at least expose a little bit of the main plot. Ideally, you would end it in a cliffhanger, making the reader want to read the next chapter due to their curiosity.

"I suppose over the course of anyone's life this phenomenon is bound to happen, however, the modern era offers many ways to preserve moments for a while. It is a good thing, but that presents me with some problems. Ah! Back to my story."

I can tell you that, in my opinion, I don't particularly like that whole monologue you did just because it is something that looks great in movies but not so great in novels unless it is in a comedy-based story. It makes me feel like the characters lose their seriousness, but that is just my opinion.
Last but not least I read your comments stating that you intended the first chapter to be somewhat of a Prologue but keep in mind that the Prologue is a Chapter 0, not Chapter 1. In other words, if you intend to do a Prologue you should deliver some juice from the story or even portrait an epic scene with your MC that will bring adrenaline and curiosity to the reader. Personally, I don't want to read a Prologue that is nothing more than the work of the FBI doing the background check on the MC.

I can advise you to read some novels and books in order to gain more vocabulary and understand how successful writers do their stories.

Even though the text I wrote is long, this is what I truly thought about the novel. This is nothing more than constructive criticism and whether you use it/agree with it or not it is entirely up to you. I just wanted to help a fellow writer out with the best intentions! Have a good day/night!