Doravg's free feedback thread (Closed to catch up with all the requests)

[Deleted member 68927]

I've been burned on a few of these threads because I'm not all that good a writing but maybe I'll give it a try again. Here's my story I'll warn you it's crude and can get kind of gory.

Anna’s Dream

This web novel is about Anna the only child of the enigmatic being known as The Dreamer. Join her as she travels a world filled with magic and wonders. She's not the chosen one, she has no destiny and there's no telling what she's going to do next, other than...

www.scribblehub.com

You did warn me that it is crude, but I never imagined how crude exactly. You are putting a baby in a smut world. Maybe if Anna wasn't such an obvious person and figured things out from the memories of the sacrificed women, such as what sex meant, and so on, then maybe I would have continued reading.
But I honestly don't want to read about sex with babies, even if said baby is in the body of a grown up.
Also, you seem to be in a rush to transition too fast. That is telling, not showing. And while it can be used too, and make for a great story, you use it too often.
Imagine that your story is a lake. You have your moments where you pull your reader to the depth, and make him see the beauty of your story. But most of the time you let him jet ski over the surface, to borrow Dean Wesley Smiths words. And that is never a good thing.
Also, I hate to say this, but your character is a Mary Sue. You are handling that better than most, because you made her a good and innocent person. But I worry she has brain damage, because she can't register the fact that she has killed.
Not only a wolf, but also human beings.
I am sorry, I can't keep reading. I hope you see my honesty for what it is. That said, this is your fantasy, and you have readers who love your story. Finish it for them! You will feel better afterwards!

 

[Seaspecter]

You did warn me that it is crude, but I never imagined how crude exactly. You are putting a baby in a smut world. Maybe if Anna wasn't such an obvious person and figured things out from the memories of the sacrificed women, such as what sex meant, and so on, then maybe I would have continued reading.
But I honestly don't want to read about sex with babies, even if said baby is in the body of a grown up.
Also, you seem to be in a rush to transition too fast. That is telling, not showing. And while it can be used too, and make for a great story, you use it too often.
Imagine that your story is a lake. You have your moments where you pull your reader to the depth, and make him see the beauty of your story. But most of the time you let him jet ski over the surface, to borrow Dean Wesley Smiths words. And that is never a good thing.
Also, I hate to say this, but your character is a Mary Sue. You are handling that better than most, because you made her a good and innocent person. But I worry she has brain damage, because she can't register the fact that she has killed.
Not only a wolf, but also human beings.
I am sorry, I can't keep reading. I hope you see my honesty for what it is. That said, this is your fantasy, and you have readers who love your story. Finish it for them! You will feel better afterwards!

Thanks for taking a look but don't keep reading it if you don't like it I did say it's not for everyone. I will say a few things that may clear some stuff up for you though. First Anna is a Cthulhu monster so killing doesn't bother her in the slightest, at least at first, second she does learn about sex from the party just after the chapter you stopped on, and finally I really wasn't good a pacing when I first started the story that gets better later in the novel as well.

Spoiler: One more thing

Anna never has sex in the novel.

 

[Cloudee77]

Hi! I would like some feedback on my story. It's Xianxia, and slow paced work. Mostly 1k to 2k words in early chapters.I have been told it's really slow paced and nothing much happens in the first chapter (which indeed is the case but I will still want you to give it a try). If you do, you can read however much you want. You can be as honest as you like.

Reincarnation of the Totem

Slipping through the gravels of time, she found herself in a new land that she had never dreamed of. Here she was nothing but a female supporting Character to a tale of a reborn heroine, her life meaningless but around some set lines. Watch her navigate through these murky realms...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[fantasyretreat]

Hi,

New author here. Don't have a lot of chapters out but would love a feedback as well, if you still got the time.

Dark One [A Progression Fantasy]

Dark One is set in the kingdom of Vorthe, a land that has earned its peace and stability as a result of the efforts and sacrifices of past heroes. But alas, calamity draws near! A being of unearthly hunger for chaos and destruction, which leaves ghost cities in its wake —...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 68927]

Hi,

New author here. Don't have a lot of chapters out but would love a feedback as well, if you still got the time.

Dark One [A Progression Fantasy]

Dark One is set in the kingdom of Vorthe, a land that has earned its peace and stability as a result of the efforts and sacrifices of past heroes. But alas, calamity draws near! A being of unearthly hunger for chaos and destruction, which leaves ghost cities in its wake —...

www.scribblehub.com

By the time I get to you, you will have more chapters.

 

[Seaspecter]

I appreciate you taking a look at my story so if you’d like I’ll take a look at one of yours, though you’ll have to recommend on you have so many I just don’t know which one.

 

[Deleted member 68927]

I appreciate you taking a look at my story so if you’d like I’ll take a look at one of yours, though you’ll have to recommend on you have so many I just don’t know which one.

No, it is ok. You don't have to read my stories.

 

[Vaychi]

Past the Dark, Into the Light

Alicia lived in a warm and loving family. Showering affection, and doing whatever she wanted. It all abruptly ended when she got kidnapped, however. For years, she was tortured, and was in horrible living conditions. One day, she saw an opportunity to escape. She took it, and even though she...

www.scribblehub.com

I reviewed some of my older chapters (from about a month ago) and changed some of the very bad parts of the story. Still, my earlier chapters need a lot of work. I had some feedback from Stephan from another thread, but he only reviewed the prologue. I would like to see on what my problems are, whether it be pacing, repetition, phrasing, etc. There's only about 9 chapters in total, but I'm writing more slowly!

Thank you for doing this! I appreciate it.

 

[Deleted member 68927]

Current Rhaps is sleepy, so the judgement function has decreased.

Infinity in the Void – Freedom in the Abyss

A girl woke up in a white room, with no memory of who she was. Yet she knew deep inside her held a power unlike anyone, represented by the markings, the tattoos of the Eight Pointed Star, given to her by an unknown force. With her power, endless possibilities were...

www.scribblehub.com

Your story is entertaining, I will give you that, but if even I can spot the grammar mistakes, and the times you go from 1st person to 3rd person past tense, then others can spot them as well. That said, finish that first draft, let it stew, and then do the fixes. You can't fix what is not finished, and a rewrite before you write the ending will kill your desire to finish the novel.
Now that I got that out of the way, I can tell you what I like! This is the review which I will post on the story page. I intend to provide the good points so that you can invite more readers to your world. Nothing more, nothing less.
Review:
This is an interesting read! The protagonist is a survivor! I can't imagine what it will be like to go through what she did, and keep it cool. And she does keep it cool, that much is for certain, although one can argue that it might be because she doesn't know any better.
I don't want to spoil anything, but this story is steeped in Myths and is leaning to be an urban fantasy. With Gods and Monsters, and special powers which come at a price. Which is a breath of fresh air after all the stories where the special powers are a blessing, to be taken with no questions asked. There is a balance between gain and price, which sets up the MC up for quite the challenge.
The characters all have their quirks. You can tell that the Director, Isaac, is very passionate about what he does, but also has something cooking in the background. Is Athen good, or is she hiding something? She certainly is unforthcoming when Charlotte asks her about her Gem. And that makes the characters real and alive.
Once an Author makes you care about the details surrounding the characters, then the story is bingeworthy.
And Rhaps has plenty of chapters. So, what are you waiting for? Binge away!

 

[Rhaps]

Your story is entertaining, I will give you that, but if even I can spot the grammar mistakes, and the times you go from 1st person to 3rd person past tense, then others can spot them as well. That said, finish that first draft, let it stew, and then do the fixes. You can't fix what is not finished, and a rewrite before you write the ending will kill your desire to finish the novel.
Now that I got that out of the way, I can tell you what I like! This is the review which I will post on the story page. I intend to provide the good points so that you can invite more readers to your world. Nothing more, nothing less.
Review:
This is an interesting read! The protagonist is a survivor! I can't imagine what it will be like to go through what she did, and keep it cool. And she does keep it cool, that much is for certain, although one can argue that it might be because she doesn't know any better.
I don't want to spoil anything, but this story is steeped in Myths and is leaning to be an urban fantasy. With Gods and Monsters, and special powers which come at a price. Which is a breath of fresh air after all the stories where the special powers are a blessing, to be taken with no questions asked. There is a balance between gain and price, which sets up the MC up for quite the challenge.
The characters all have their quirks. You can tell that the Director, Isaac, is very passionate about what he does, but also has something cooking in the background. Is Athen good, or is she hiding something? She certainly is unforthcoming when Charlotte asks her about her Gem. And that makes the characters real and alive.
Once an Author makes you care about the details surrounding the characters, then the story is bingeworthy.
And Rhaps has plenty of chapters. So, what are you waiting for? Binge away!

Thank you so much for the review!!
Yeah, I am going backward to fix the garmmar mistakes, I don't have any excuse there.

One of the thing I am really proud of is creating characters, even if the readers will only see them once.
It's a habit honestly, being a DM for so long I try to give every NPC personalities, I want to make my players feel immersive in the campaign and attach to the characters I created. I guess that transfered over to my story writing.

 

[Deleted member 68927]

Thank you so much for the review!!
Yeah, I am going backward to fix the garmmar mistakes, I don't have any excuse there.

One of the thing I am really proud of is creating characters, even if the readers will only see them once.
It's a habit honestly, being a DM for so long I try to give every NPC personalities, I want to make my players feel immersive in the campaign and attach to the characters I created. I guess that transfered over to my story writing.

Yes, it did. You did a fantastic job; it just needs a little polish! But don't sweat it, you have a good story on your hands!

Would you mind criticizing one of my works too? For the story improvement purposes as the reason. Thank you very much.

Kyouhana: Transmigrated into the Worst Book and Became the Dark Lord’s Bride

Sachika Fujimoto, a part-timer college student, dies in a bookstore murder. She never expects to wake up in a world based on the worst book ever made. Reincarnated as Veniara Ravelgrace, the soon-to-be 'Dark Lord's Bride,' she must navigate her way out through the cliché-filled fantasy romance...

www.scribblehub.com

Started yours. English is not your main language, is it? You might want to work on your grammar when you finish the first draft. That said, the story is strong in the first 2 chapters. Makes you root for the MC.

 

[Rivertalon]

Reborn as a Goat [ A Progression Litrpg ]

Sakai Yuji had always aspired to control his own destiny and write his own story. One day, he found himself transported to a new world, one in which magic and cultivators were very real. Upon discovering that beast could speak, humans could fly, and immortals could live forever, Sakai Yuji...

www.scribblehub.com

Can you check mine. All I Wants to know if this can earn or not.

 

[CrimsonGenius]

Power of the Elements: Recharge

Jake Ishida expected ordinary days when he moved to a new city. He did not expect the mysterious warrior, Pilot, to give him a strange crystal. The crystal transforms him into the Fire Radiant, a warrior of order. Now, he must learn how to utilize his new powers to fight...

www.scribblehub.com

You can check mine out if you want.

 

[EtherealPhonic]

Heya, would love it if you could take a look at my story. I only have the first chapter uploaded but if you could tell me how it lands for you that would be greatly appreciated: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/858349/wish-upon-a-magic-star/

 

[Kamelingil]

This story is good, I don't know what people think about this. Also the grammar in the first 15 chapters is kinda meh but it's quite understandable.

LEGENDARY: The Omnipotence

(This novel is currently under rewrite) Infinite stories unfolds as the creation of the Fiction Verse and evolves into something revolutionary. This series is an All-in-one Genre, everything can happen, even the things you've dreamed of, even the stories that never existed before, it will...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Alfir]

Yo~! Hello, Doravg! I have benefited from your feedback once already, and this is the second time, so you have my gratitude. Check my 'How to Cultivate a Game' which is inspired by 'I am the God of Games'. It was in my signature.

 

[Deleted member 68927]

Would you mind criticizing one of my works too? For the story improvement purposes as the reason. Thank you very much.

Kyouhana: Transmigrated into the Worst Book and Became the Dark Lord’s Bride

Sachika Fujimoto, a part-timer college student, dies in a bookstore murder. She never expects to wake up in a world based on the worst book ever made. Reincarnated as Veniara Ravelgrace, the soon-to-be 'Dark Lord's Bride,' she must navigate her way out through the cliché-filled fantasy romance...

www.scribblehub.com

I put down your book. I am sorry, but you used one too many stereotypes. And you describe characters the way they are described in Chinese novels. I honestly didn't understand why the MC wouldn't jump on the opportunity to be a royal. And the fact that she thinks more about herself than about her bedridden mother, who is now probably under Veniara's care, who is a princess with a head full of cotton, and I am going by your description of her.
And your Grammar needs a Grammar Checker. Or ChatGPT. You don't write explicit things, so it won't flag you. Also, why did you have to make a small child two-dimensional? Just because Marina wants her father to love her, you call her dumb and a troll? She is just a child, and children want their parents to like them.
I did have a moment where I was willing to read on, but then you bombarded me with more two-dimensional characters who serve no purpose but to say their two lines and then disappear forever.
If more characters had personality, and not just your MC, I could have overlooked the grammar, honestly, I would have. As things stand now, I will just give you a 5-star rating for trying, and move on.

 

[soomuu]

Hello new author here :)

Would love some critique on my story, Reverberation
People seem to find it boring and not engaging, so please shed some light on that as a reader. :)

Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 68927]

I really have no idea what to expect, but if you take on the quest and the result destroys my story's rating, so be it. I hope you will take a look at my story, once you have time for it.

The Crazy Daughter of the Duke’s Family

Celia had fought creatures called 'Visitors' for as long as she could remember. Together with Pan, a Visitor of Special Grade himself, her single goal was to survive. Yet after dying an unexpected death one day, she woke up and found herself as that one inconsequential, short lived villainess...

www.scribblehub.com

done

 

[Jaymi]

Maybe my story will help you relax a bit ;3 I hope you'll like it

Girlguide: A Girl’s Guide To Writing Female Characters!

Kai, an aspiring light novel author, has always had his path to success hindered by his inability to write female characters. However, everything changes when he wakes up one day as a young girl. This change becomes his chance to gain a deeper understanding of women, hoping to take his...

www.scribblehub.com