Doravg's free feedback thread (Closed to catch up with all the requests)

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doravg

133/4001 (finally counted the stories)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
2,265
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153
I've been burned on a few of these threads because I'm not all that good a writing but maybe I'll give it a try again. Here's my story I'll warn you it's crude and can get kind of gory.

You did warn me that it is crude, but I never imagined how crude exactly. You are putting a baby in a smut world. Maybe if Anna wasn't such an obvious person and figured things out from the memories of the sacrificed women, such as what sex meant, and so on, then maybe I would have continued reading.
But I honestly don't want to read about sex with babies, even if said baby is in the body of a grown up.
Also, you seem to be in a rush to transition too fast. That is telling, not showing. And while it can be used too, and make for a great story, you use it too often.
Imagine that your story is a lake. You have your moments where you pull your reader to the depth, and make him see the beauty of your story. But most of the time you let him jet ski over the surface, to borrow Dean Wesley Smiths words. And that is never a good thing.
Also, I hate to say this, but your character is a Mary Sue. You are handling that better than most, because you made her a good and innocent person. But I worry she has brain damage, because she can't register the fact that she has killed.
Not only a wolf, but also human beings.
I am sorry, I can't keep reading. I hope you see my honesty for what it is. That said, this is your fantasy, and you have readers who love your story. Finish it for them! You will feel better afterwards!
 

Seaspecter

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 29, 2022
Messages
344
Points
108
You did warn me that it is crude, but I never imagined how crude exactly. You are putting a baby in a smut world. Maybe if Anna wasn't such an obvious person and figured things out from the memories of the sacrificed women, such as what sex meant, and so on, then maybe I would have continued reading.
But I honestly don't want to read about sex with babies, even if said baby is in the body of a grown up.
Also, you seem to be in a rush to transition too fast. That is telling, not showing. And while it can be used too, and make for a great story, you use it too often.
Imagine that your story is a lake. You have your moments where you pull your reader to the depth, and make him see the beauty of your story. But most of the time you let him jet ski over the surface, to borrow Dean Wesley Smiths words. And that is never a good thing.
Also, I hate to say this, but your character is a Mary Sue. You are handling that better than most, because you made her a good and innocent person. But I worry she has brain damage, because she can't register the fact that she has killed.
Not only a wolf, but also human beings.
I am sorry, I can't keep reading. I hope you see my honesty for what it is. That said, this is your fantasy, and you have readers who love your story. Finish it for them! You will feel better afterwards!
Thanks for taking a look but don't keep reading it if you don't like it I did say it's not for everyone. I will say a few things that may clear some stuff up for you though. First Anna is a Cthulhu monster so killing doesn't bother her in the slightest, at least at first, second she does learn about sex from the party just after the chapter you stopped on, and finally I really wasn't good a pacing when I first started the story that gets better later in the novel as well.

Anna never has sex in the novel.
 

Cloudee77

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2023
Messages
7
Points
3
Hi! I would like some feedback on my story. It's Xianxia, and slow paced work. Mostly 1k to 2k words in early chapters.I have been told it's really slow paced and nothing much happens in the first chapter (which indeed is the case but I will still want you to give it a try). If you do, you can read however much you want. You can be as honest as you like.
 

fantasyretreat

New member
Joined
Aug 7, 2023
Messages
29
Points
3
Hi,

New author here. Don't have a lot of chapters out but would love a feedback as well, if you still got the time.

 

doravg

133/4001 (finally counted the stories)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
2,265
Points
153
Hi,

New author here. Don't have a lot of chapters out but would love a feedback as well, if you still got the time.

By the time I get to you, you will have more chapters.
 

Seaspecter

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 29, 2022
Messages
344
Points
108
I appreciate you taking a look at my story so if you’d like I’ll take a look at one of yours, though you’ll have to recommend on you have so many I just don’t know which one.
 

doravg

133/4001 (finally counted the stories)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
2,265
Points
153
I appreciate you taking a look at my story so if you’d like I’ll take a look at one of yours, though you’ll have to recommend on you have so many I just don’t know which one.
No, it is ok. You don't have to read my stories.
 

Vaychi

New member
Joined
Jul 27, 2023
Messages
4
Points
3

I reviewed some of my older chapters (from about a month ago) and changed some of the very bad parts of the story. Still, my earlier chapters need a lot of work. I had some feedback from Stephan from another thread, but he only reviewed the prologue. I would like to see on what my problems are, whether it be pacing, repetition, phrasing, etc. There's only about 9 chapters in total, but I'm writing more slowly!

Thank you for doing this! I appreciate it.
 

doravg

133/4001 (finally counted the stories)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
2,265
Points
153
Current Rhaps is sleepy, so the judgement function has decreased.
Your story is entertaining, I will give you that, but if even I can spot the grammar mistakes, and the times you go from 1st person to 3rd person past tense, then others can spot them as well. That said, finish that first draft, let it stew, and then do the fixes. You can't fix what is not finished, and a rewrite before you write the ending will kill your desire to finish the novel.
Now that I got that out of the way, I can tell you what I like! This is the review which I will post on the story page. I intend to provide the good points so that you can invite more readers to your world. Nothing more, nothing less.
Review:
This is an interesting read! The protagonist is a survivor! I can't imagine what it will be like to go through what she did, and keep it cool. And she does keep it cool, that much is for certain, although one can argue that it might be because she doesn't know any better.
I don't want to spoil anything, but this story is steeped in Myths and is leaning to be an urban fantasy. With Gods and Monsters, and special powers which come at a price. Which is a breath of fresh air after all the stories where the special powers are a blessing, to be taken with no questions asked. There is a balance between gain and price, which sets up the MC up for quite the challenge.
The characters all have their quirks. You can tell that the Director, Isaac, is very passionate about what he does, but also has something cooking in the background. Is Athen good, or is she hiding something? She certainly is unforthcoming when Charlotte asks her about her Gem. And that makes the characters real and alive.
Once an Author makes you care about the details surrounding the characters, then the story is bingeworthy.
And Rhaps has plenty of chapters. So, what are you waiting for? Binge away!
 

Rhaps

Master of Nightmare
Joined
May 5, 2022
Messages
1,192
Points
153
Your story is entertaining, I will give you that, but if even I can spot the grammar mistakes, and the times you go from 1st person to 3rd person past tense, then others can spot them as well. That said, finish that first draft, let it stew, and then do the fixes. You can't fix what is not finished, and a rewrite before you write the ending will kill your desire to finish the novel.
Now that I got that out of the way, I can tell you what I like! This is the review which I will post on the story page. I intend to provide the good points so that you can invite more readers to your world. Nothing more, nothing less.
Review:
This is an interesting read! The protagonist is a survivor! I can't imagine what it will be like to go through what she did, and keep it cool. And she does keep it cool, that much is for certain, although one can argue that it might be because she doesn't know any better.
I don't want to spoil anything, but this story is steeped in Myths and is leaning to be an urban fantasy. With Gods and Monsters, and special powers which come at a price. Which is a breath of fresh air after all the stories where the special powers are a blessing, to be taken with no questions asked. There is a balance between gain and price, which sets up the MC up for quite the challenge.
The characters all have their quirks. You can tell that the Director, Isaac, is very passionate about what he does, but also has something cooking in the background. Is Athen good, or is she hiding something? She certainly is unforthcoming when Charlotte asks her about her Gem. And that makes the characters real and alive.
Once an Author makes you care about the details surrounding the characters, then the story is bingeworthy.
And Rhaps has plenty of chapters. So, what are you waiting for? Binge away!
Thank you so much for the review!!
Yeah, I am going backward to fix the garmmar mistakes, I don't have any excuse there.

One of the thing I am really proud of is creating characters, even if the readers will only see them once.
It's a habit honestly, being a DM for so long I try to give every NPC personalities, I want to make my players feel immersive in the campaign and attach to the characters I created. I guess that transfered over to my story writing.
 

doravg

133/4001 (finally counted the stories)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
2,265
Points
153
Thank you so much for the review!!
Yeah, I am going backward to fix the garmmar mistakes, I don't have any excuse there.

One of the thing I am really proud of is creating characters, even if the readers will only see them once.
It's a habit honestly, being a DM for so long I try to give every NPC personalities, I want to make my players feel immersive in the campaign and attach to the characters I created. I guess that transfered over to my story writing.
Yes, it did. You did a fantastic job; it just needs a little polish! But don't sweat it, you have a good story on your hands!
Would you mind criticizing one of my works too? For the story improvement purposes as the reason. Thank you very much.
Started yours. English is not your main language, is it? You might want to work on your grammar when you finish the first draft. That said, the story is strong in the first 2 chapters. Makes you root for the MC.
 
Last edited:

Rivertalon

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2021
Messages
49
Points
48
Can you check mine. All I Wants to know if this can earn or not.
 

CrimsonGenius

Riding the Thunder
Joined
Apr 29, 2023
Messages
354
Points
78
You can check mine out if you want.
 

Kamelingil

Multiversal Author
Joined
Aug 27, 2023
Messages
266
Points
43
This story is good, I don't know what people think about this. Also the grammar in the first 15 chapters is kinda meh but it's quite understandable.
 

Alfir

The Inventor of Words
Joined
Aug 11, 2021
Messages
344
Points
103
Yo~! Hello, Doravg! I have benefited from your feedback once already, and this is the second time, so you have my gratitude. Check my 'How to Cultivate a Game' which is inspired by 'I am the God of Games'. It was in my signature.
 

doravg

133/4001 (finally counted the stories)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
2,265
Points
153
Would you mind criticizing one of my works too? For the story improvement purposes as the reason. Thank you very much.
I put down your book. I am sorry, but you used one too many stereotypes. And you describe characters the way they are described in Chinese novels. I honestly didn't understand why the MC wouldn't jump on the opportunity to be a royal. And the fact that she thinks more about herself than about her bedridden mother, who is now probably under Veniara's care, who is a princess with a head full of cotton, and I am going by your description of her.
And your Grammar needs a Grammar Checker. Or ChatGPT. You don't write explicit things, so it won't flag you. Also, why did you have to make a small child two-dimensional? Just because Marina wants her father to love her, you call her dumb and a troll? She is just a child, and children want their parents to like them.
I did have a moment where I was willing to read on, but then you bombarded me with more two-dimensional characters who serve no purpose but to say their two lines and then disappear forever.
If more characters had personality, and not just your MC, I could have overlooked the grammar, honestly, I would have. As things stand now, I will just give you a 5-star rating for trying, and move on.
 

soomuu

New member
Joined
Sep 2, 2023
Messages
8
Points
3
Hello new author here :)

Would love some critique on my story, Reverberation
People seem to find it boring and not engaging, so please shed some light on that as a reader. :)

Thanks!
 

doravg

133/4001 (finally counted the stories)
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
2,265
Points
153
I really have no idea what to expect, but if you take on the quest and the result destroys my story's rating, so be it. I hope you will take a look at my story, once you have time for it.
done
 

Jaymi

Gamer / Astronaut / Idol / Author / Vampire
Joined
Apr 27, 2023
Messages
120
Points
58
Maybe my story will help you relax a bit ;3 I hope you'll like it :blob_evil_two:
 
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