Envy's Free Feedback Thread [Thread Closed]

[Anon2024]

No merging allowed.

 

[Sleds]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (3/5)​

There are some grammatical mistakes here, and a few things I have to complain about. But I do like many things about your writing. It's easy to follow, and I can tell you put a bunch of work into it. That being said there are many grammatical errors, and a few format errors. Not to mention, that there are exposition dumps a few times in quotes.

leaving them no respite and making them feel a sense of despair every second that they struggling (struggled) to survive. This is an incorrect usage of tense.

"Sigh, this will never end..." I do not like things like this. It makes him seem like he is literally saying "sigh", rather than sighing. It would be better to put something like: He sighed, "this will never end." Or even: "This will never end," he said, sighing. There is another example in the chapter as well. "Sigh, it's been six months since these nightmares started, and I still don't understand it." It would even be acceptable to put *sigh* instead if you want to use this format. The asterisk are important to show he is sighing, and not saying "sigh".

Another thing to complain about is repetitive language: beasts, different species, etc. Those things are repeated a lot.

Now is for the format errors: "You should avoid wasting so much crystal essence for such weak crystal beasts." said the young man. "If the worst happens, I will die fighting." said the young woman with a firm tone. Both of these are bad examples of dialogue tags. "You should avoid wasting so much crystal essence for such weak crystal beasts," the young man said (or said the young man, but with a comma not a period). The same thing applies for the second quote (," said the young woman or ,"the young woman said).

Personal Enjoyment : (3/5)​

I wanted to give 4 because I actually enjoyed it, despite the many errors, but I cannot in good faith due to the few exposition dumpy quotes. I am just going to post three of them in this section.

"Still, even with the power I have in this dream that can kill thousands of crystal beasts just by waving my hand, I can't do anything against this dragon that always appears as a divine existence. Does such a monster really exist in this world...?"

"Not to mention this woman... Her face is blurry. I can't even make out the slightest detail about her, but every time I see her in my nightmares, my heart can't calm down, and every time the claw of the dragon pierces her, my heart tightens as if it will break into pieces."

"After several years of negotiations, the peace treaty between the Aegis Alliance and the Elves of Loania is about to be signed. Agreements allowing exchanges between the two species will be put in place in the following month..."

This is too much. You are giving the reader way too much information in these passages. The third one, for example, can just happen naturally in the story without appearing on the TV.

Appeal: (2/5)​

This has decent appeal to the SH audience, and the results already show that. Though the first chapter is a bit wordy to hook in more readers in my opinion. You can give the exact same story in the first chapter with no different meaning in way less words. What I mean to say is "concision". Cut many of the exposition dumps, and extra words that aren't necessary.

Conclusion​

Pretty solid writing even with the grammar errors. It's an interesting premise too, but you have to fix the exposition dumps, repeated words, and format errors.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

Thanks for the feedback, Vampy Queen. I try to improve on the grammatical errors, but I'm still not perfect with it.

For the "sigh" part, I see it used both ways, be it between asterisks or inside a dialogue, to place it in the right place. Still, in the dialogue you showed, I can use asterisks since it's at the beginning of the dialogue. I just didn't think of this when I wrote this chapter months ago.

About the format errors, while I understand that it's an error to write a period and not a comma, I think it's more clearer to separate and end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma, but maybe it's just me who sees it like this.

A few told me about the dump quotes/information at the beginning of my story. I need to find time to rewrite them properly someday.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Thanks for the feedback, Vampy Queen. I try to improve on the grammatical errors, but I'm still not perfect with it.

For the "sigh" part, I see it used both ways, be it between asterisks or inside a dialogue, to place it in the right place. Still, in the dialogue you showed, I can use asterisks since it's at the beginning of the dialogue. I just didn't think of this when I wrote this chapter months ago.

About the format errors, while I understand that it's an error to write a period and not a comma, I think it's more clearer to separate and end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma, but maybe it's just me who sees it like this.

A few told me about the dump quotes/information at the beginning of my story. I need to find time to rewrite them properly someday.

A period is a full stop, and a comma is not. You take one full pause on a period. "I think it's more clear to separate dialogue," he said. It would sound weirder if you pause for longer here. But if you are determined to do periods you still have to capitalize the word after the period which you did not do.

The sigh thing is a personal preference, but I don't think this is the right way to do it. I will read it as him saying "sigh" every time. That's how my brain has been trained.

 

[Sleds]

A period is a full stop, and a comma is not. You take one full pause on a period. "I think it's more clear to separate dialogue," he said. It would sound weirder if you pause for longer here. But if you are determined to do periods you still have to capitalize the word after the period which you did not do.

I see. It may be how I read since I don't take a pause when reading a period. I will think about it and either add capitalize or change the whole dialogue format to have a comma instead of a period.

The sigh thing is a personal preference, but I don't think this is the right way to do it. I will read it as him saying "sigh" every time. That's how my brain has been trained.

You might be right there. I can still split a dialogue if I want to add a sighing in the middle of it. I'm just afraid that doing it like that might be too wordy.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

I see. It may be how I read since I don't take a pause when reading a period. I will think about it and either add capitalize or change the whole dialogue format to have a comma instead of a period.


You might be right there. I can still split a dialogue if I want to add a sighing in the middle of it. I'm just afraid that doing it like that might be too wordy.

No, it is good to break up dialogue, and improve it with a middle section.

"Get to the point, Envy," Sleds sighed, "you have been rambling for hours."

This way adds more character too. Imagine in the middle of talking you are so exasperated that you sigh to finish it later.

 

[Anon2024]

No merging allows.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Please let me know what you think.

Crimson Purple

docs.google.com

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Hellossu
I hope you still have time to give feedbacks ( in this thread).
Here's my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/812971/infinity-seed/
Have a good day!

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (3/5)​

You don't make many grammar or punctuation mistakes, but the prose I don't find as enjoyable. This is in need of refinement. I can see a lot of over explanation going on by the boy in the first chapter. I wanted to chalk it up to him being a kid, but the way his thoughts are written don't make him seem much like a kid sometimes.

Rmmmblll

My stomach rumbled. Seems like Mum’s cookies weren’t enough. I stared at the fairy, the source of the scent.

This is what I mean when I say over explanations. I could be wrong, but I think you only need either only the onomatopoeia or the part where his stomach is rumbling. It would be similar to having a line like this: Sigh. The boy sighed. It reads silly to me, and another thing is we already know the fairy is the source of the scent. So we don't need to have that pointed out to us.

Personal Enjoyment: (3/5)​

It was a pretty creepy exchange in the first chapter between the boy and the fairy. I won't lie. I must be tortured by webnovels, but all I can see is a creepy shota kid, and a fairy inside of a room. Also the language used is more like innuendos and subtext things that make me keep expecting this to end even more horribly.

Though, to be honest, the main story is probably way different given the synopsis, but I also don't know how it's supposed to be read because of the naming of the chapters.

Anyway, I won't be reading more as it seems you are done writing it.

Appeal: (1/5)​

This has no appeal since you stopped writing it. And as I am writing this, I did check just now. It seems this was a prologue. I do feel kinda stupid, but it is also not clear. Not to mention that I read every prologue, and I consider them an integral part of the story anyway. So if the prologue doesn't interest me, the rest of the story will not as well.

Though that has little to do with appeal, but you can't appeal when you aren't writing. And I don't think this has mass appeal on SH anyway.

Conclusion​

Most of your prose problems comes from over explanations, not making it concise enough. I don't personally enjoy the first prologue chapter, and I don't think your story has mass appeal as it is now. (Keep writing)

 

[Deaath]

I'd be grateful if you could take a look.
The first and 6th chapters were edited by GPT to fix the grammar, I will do the rest as well soon.

Prey (Monster LitRPG/Progression)

A vengeful duo, united in a single body on a revenge quest, wielding a monster turned sword. Betrayed by his companions, including his once-trusted best friend who fatally wounded him, Atreus Eastel awakens three years later in a desolate realm only to realize he's not entirely human. Rather...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Because I have a huge backlog I will not accept any further submissions until I finish the current feedbacks. I will make a counter at the top for current submissions, and a section to show which one I am on. From today until New Years, I will try to do one everyday.

 

[LowinKeshin]

Backlog no, no.