Envy's Free Feedback Thread [Thread Closed]

[ManwX]

Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

Disclaimer​

I am not a professional Reviewer/author. All of this will be my own subjective opinion. If you don't agree with my review/rating, you are free to dismiss it entirely. I am just a biased vampy.

Rules​

1. I will provide feedback on at least the first chapter of your novel.​
2. You will put the link to the novel you want reviewed.​
3. You will tell me if you want the review in the thread or in a PM.​
4. Stories I won't read: Mind break, Mind Control, R*pe (Basically anything that doesn't involve consent in sexual acts. PS: This includes the sexualization of lolis.)​
5. The first score provided will be writing enjoyment (how much I enjoy your prose/style) on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Writing Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
6. The second score will be how much I personally enjoyed the story. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Personal Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
7. The last rating will be how much I think your story will appeal to a general audience. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Appeal: (Max Score)​

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
Be patient if you want feedback.
Don't take my review as gospel.
​

Journey to Eden Prime

In a galaxy filled with wonders and mysteries, Alex, a spirited pilot, embarks on a thrilling journey alongside his robotic companion, C.A.T., to uncover the truth behind Eden Prime, the fabled planet once known as Earth. Driven by a longing to escape his life as an orphan mechanic...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

I have a question. There are no sexual acts up to chapter 6 (after that, I'm not particularly sure where you draw the line on abuse of royal status by an antagonist, so you may not want to read any more). There is however mind control used in a trashy fast food restaurant to make the MC work faster in the first chapter. Would you want to rate my story? Totally understand if that's either not your cup of tea, not comfortable, and/or not good health-wise!

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

If there is unconsentual sex I don't want to do it.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

If there is unconsentual sex I don't want to do it.

Sounds good! Hope you have a great day!

 

[Story_Marc]

Hmm... I'm curious how you'll respond to the erotica vignette I wrote called "Breakfast in Bed."

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Hmm... I'm curious how you'll respond to the erotica vignette I wrote called "Breakfast in Bed."

I am glad I will be able to check out something of yours later!
PS: I will get to more stories tomorrow after birthday stuff :p

 

[Story_Marc]

I am glad I will be able to check out something of yours later!
PS: I will get to more stories tomorrow after birthday stuff :p

Your birthday? If so, Happy Birthday!

And here's hoping I don't disappoint.

 

[M.G.Driver]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/699373/a-black-market-litrpg/

in thread plz

 

[Katako]

Holding my urge to write my story for the next week because I'm focusing on exams , so why not listen to some feedbacks?

The Thoughts of A Firework

In thread should be good.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Yeah! The prologue gives the impression but it actually ends before anything happens. I'll leave the link and you can give the feedback here.

Link:

Nowhere to Run - Prologue: Nowhere to Run | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks in advance!

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (3/5) ​

I won't lie. It was hard to get through the prologue, but I did make it through. Since this section is about the writing though, I will talk about that first. I read the entire prologue and part of the first chapter. Overall, I would say I like the way you write. There were a few run-on sentences that I noticed, and sometimes there were tense errors. Another thing is that there were a few sentences were you could just cut parts out, and the meaning would still not change. Despite that, you were descriptive enough for me to have a clear picture of what was going on. It was simple enough for me to place myself in the shoes of the character as she ran away. I could tell that you put a lot of thought into the story itself, and if you clean up many of the sentences/fix the tense errors, you would be a better writer than most.

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

Based off of how the prologue made me feel, I almost gave it 1. This is not a problem on your end and has more to do with myself. The only reason I raised the score is because these are exactly the types of stories I want to see more of. I don't mean the genre or tags. I can tell based off of just the prologue and the bit of the first chapter I read that this isn't just another typical WN. What I mean by this is that your story seems to be more thought out, but you can correct me if I am wrong. I won't be reading more though. It really isn't my cup of tea, but I know that several people would be able to enjoy the story if you cleaned up a bit of the writing, as stated before.

Appeal: (2/5)​

This one is between one and two for me. I really don't think this type of story appeals to the scribble hub audience. The prologue by itself will turn off many people like me, and it doesn't have the tags that people like. Beyond that even, people here don't care much about promoting stories like this. If you do want to get popular on the site, I believe it is possible for you, but you would probably end up writing a story you don't even enjoy. That is why it is hard for me to give advice on your story. If you are enjoying the story, then keep writing it! (Just think about things that are unnecessary as part of sentences and fix the few run-ons/tense errors.) If you want popularity, this story is really not the one. At least, I don't believe it would be a big success in terms of numbers.

Conclusion​

Your writing would be great if you cleaned it up a little. You are descriptive enough to get a clear understanding of what is happening, and your story itself seems well thought out (Even after only reading a little bit). If you enjoy writing it, my only suggestion to you is too fix the few run-ons, tenses, and cut out extra unnecessary phrasing. (I am sorry, I couldn't read more to give you better feedback)

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[Pixytokisaki14]

A Tale of Steel and Gunpowder
Here you go en chan.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Alrighty Envy,

I would like a response in the thread, hope you enjoy it.

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite.

www.scribblehub.com

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (2/5)​

Your writing could use a lot of work. First of all, I really don't like the multiple changes in tenses from past to present. I will say that at least the tenses only changed between paragraphs. I don't think there were any tense swaps inside of the same paragraph that I remember, but going from one paragraph in past to the next in present makes for an awkward reading experience. If you are going to put his thoughts in present tense, then at least make them italics.
The next thing I picked up on were run-ons. Some of the sentences were separated by commas when they were two complete sentences, rather than periods. The writing formula is simple, and I can understand what is going on at least. That is the reason I gave you 2 .

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I like the idea of your story so far, but the pacing is not great. I felt practically no tension before the doctor turned against him. This is due to the fact that the events feel rushed. You spent more time trying to describe their looks and actions that serve little to build the tension. You should slow it down a little. It feels like a rush to get towards the end of the chapter. That brings me to my next point about the dialogue towards the end of the chapter. @Story_Marc has said that sometimes telling is better than showing, and I even agree with him. However, there was too much "tell" going on in the dialogue between the MC and James. I want to see that the MC is great, and not be told that he is great because "It's him". Despite all of these flaws, I actually enjoyed reading it, so take that as you will.

Appeal: (2/5)​

I can see this having a bigger reader base than many novels on this site. The pacing is fast, and the execution is questionable. Still, it seems like it would be a fun ride. I am sure many others would agree, but it won't see mainstream success on the platform. If it did, I would be really surprised. Many would be pulled out of the novel from the first chapter. I don't really have much else to say for advice to gain readers. You are already fighting an uphill battle with the tags alone. If you want success, you will have to really go back to the drawing board. The only way to win that uphill battle is to have fantastic writing skills.

Conclusion​

This first chapter needs a lot of work. Slow down the pacing a bit, and don't spend as much time describing things that don't help to build tension. Fix the run-ons, and stick to one tense (or at least spread them out more and use italics).

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[T.K._Paradox]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: ​

Your writing could use a lot of work. First of all, I really don't like the multiple changes in tenses from past to present. I will say that at least the tenses only changed between paragraphs. I don't think there were any tense swaps inside of the same paragraph that I remember, but going from one paragraph in past to the next in present makes for an awkward reading experience. If you are going to put his thoughts in present tense, then at least make them italics.
The next thing I picked up on were run-ons. Some of the sentences were separated by commas when they were two complete sentences, rather than periods. The writing formula is simple, and I can understand what is going on at least. That is the reason I gave you 2 .

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I like the idea of your story so far, but the pacing is not great. I felt practically no tension before the doctor turned against him. This is due to the fact that the events feel rushed. You spent more time trying to describe their looks and actions that serve little to build the tension. You should slow it down a little. It feels like a rush to get towards the end of the chapter. That brings me to my next point about the dialogue towards the end of the chapter. @Story_Marc has said that sometimes telling is better than showing, and I even agree with him. However, there was too much "tell" going on in the dialogue between the MC and James. I want to see that the MC is great, and not be told that he is great because "It's him". Despite all of these flaws, I actually enjoyed reading it, so take that as you will.

Appeal: (2/5)​

I can see this having a bigger reader base than many novels on this site. The pacing is fast, and the execution is questionable. Still, it seems like it would be a fun ride. I am sure many others would agree, but it won't see mainstream success on the platform. If it did, I would be really surprised. Many would be pulled out of the novel from the first chapter. I don't really have much else to say for advice to gain readers. You are already fighting an uphill battle with the tags alone. If you want success, you will have to really go back to the drawing board. The only way to win that uphill battle is to have fantastic writing skills.

Conclusion​

This first chapter needs a lot of work. Slow down the pacing a bit, and don't spend as much time describing things that don't help to build tension. Fix the run-ons, and stick to one tense (or at least spread them out more and use italics).

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

View attachment 18743

As I said, it was still enjoyable, and if there were more chapters I would have read further.

 

[APieceOfRock]

Still a WIP so I can't send a link. have this TXT file instead

 

[wutwut]

Hi! I wanna take your time to see what you think of my story:D thread is fine, thanks!
This Player is Quite Dazzling

 

[Bartun]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (3/5) ​

I won't lie. It was hard to get through the prologue, but I did make it through. Since this section is about the writing though, I will talk about that first. I read the entire prologue and part of the first chapter. Overall, I would say I like the way you write. There were a few run-on sentences that I noticed, and sometimes there were tense errors. Another thing is that there were a few sentences were you could just cut parts out, and the meaning would still not change. Despite that, you were descriptive enough for me to have a clear picture of what was going on. It was simple enough for me to place myself in the shoes of the character as she ran away. I could tell that you put a lot of thought into the story itself, and if you clean up many of the sentences/fix the tense errors, you would be a better writer than most.

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

Based off of how the prologue made me feel, I almost gave it 1. This is not a problem on your end and has more to do with myself. The only reason I raised the score is because these are exactly the types of stories I want to see more of. I don't mean the genre or tags. I can tell based off of just the prologue and the bit of the first chapter I read that this isn't just another typical WN. What I mean by this is that your story seems to be more thought out, but you can correct me if I am wrong. I won't be reading more though. It really isn't my cup of tea, but I know that several people would be able to enjoy the story if you cleaned up a bit of the writing, as stated before.

Appeal: (2/5)​

This one is between one and two for me. I really don't think this type of story appeals to the scribble hub audience. The prologue by itself will turn off many people like me, and it doesn't have the tags that people like. Beyond that even, people here don't care much about promoting stories like this. If you do want to get popular on the site, I believe it is possible for you, but you would probably end up writing a story you don't even enjoy. That is why it is hard for me to give advice on your story. If you are enjoying the story, then keep writing it! (Just think about things that are unnecessary as part of sentences and fix the few run-ons/tense errors.) If you want popularity, this story is really not the one. At least, I don't believe it would be a big success in terms of numbers.

Conclusion​

Your writing would be great if you cleaned it up a little. You are descriptive enough to get a clear understanding of what is happening, and your story itself seems well thought out (Even after only reading a little bit). If you enjoy writing it, my only suggestion to you is too fix the few run-ons, tenses, and cut out extra unnecessary phrasing. (I am sorry, I couldn't read more to give you better feedback)

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

Thank you so much for your honest feedback!

You're right. I understand my story isn't what most people want to read on this site but I'm writing this for myself. I'm not writing because I want to be popular, I'm writing it because I love it. This is a story with decades in the making, literally! I've had it in my head for so long that I have to get it out and share it with the world, even if many won't enjoy it. It's a part of me, and I hope one day being able to finish it.

Yeah, this is my first attempt at writing and it shows. I already edited it twice, and I'm planning to do another edit run after I finish the first arc. To be honest, my first draft was a mess. English isn't my first language and I'm still learning. I think later chapters are better-written sentence-wise and I'll edit it to a better standard as soon as I can.

Again, thank you so much for your time and your honest thoughts. It means a lot.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Thank you so much for your honest feedback!

You're right. I understand my story isn't what most people want to read on this site but I'm writing this for myself. I'm not writing because I want to be popular, I'm writing it because I love it. This is a story with decades in the making, literally! I've had it in my head for so long that I have to get it out and share it with the world, even if many won't enjoy it. It's a part of me, and I hope one day being able to finish it.

Yeah, this is my first attempt at writing and it shows. I already edited it twice, and I'm planning to do another edit run after I finish the first arc. To be honest, my first draft was a mess. English isn't my first language and I'm still learning. I think later chapters are better-written sentence-wise and I'll edit it to a better standard as soon as I can.

Again, thank you so much for your time and your honest thoughts. It means a lot.

No problem, I did enjoy your writing quite a bit, but I had a feeling English wasn't your first language when I noticed the few tense issues. There aren't that many, and they aren't that bad! I am sure your story is one that will be truly Enteresting.

 

[Bartun]

No problem, I did enjoy your writing quite a bit, but I had a feeling English wasn't your first language when I noticed the few tense issues. There aren't that many, and they aren't that bad! I am sure your story is one that will be truly Enteresting.

Thank you!

I need to get better! As you said, I have put a lot of thought into this story and I'll do my best to make it something worth the time!

 

[Seaspecter]

Anna’s Dream | Scribble Hub

Let me know what you think. Also posting your feedback on the thread is good with me.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

I am procrastinating on actually writing rn in favor of seeking feedback o-o hopefully you like it decent ^^

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (3/5)​

I want to start by saying that first person present is my least favorite form. That being said, I actually enjoy your writing itself. I read the first two chapters, and the flow was quite nice. There were no times where I had to go back and re-read something to get an understanding. You are descriptive enough, so I can generally understand what is going on. Also, I see you are a fellow lover of semi-colons. The reason that this loses 2 for me is due to the present tense, but I will expound on that in the next section.

Personal Enjoyment: (3/5)​

Despite not liking present tense, I found this quite enjoyable to read. There is an issue I have though. It is all present tense, and she is supposed to not understand what the mother is saying. I think the same thing should be true for the reader. Having the language understood by the reader takes away from the experience, rather than adding. Moreover, it is in present tense; therefore, the reader should have no understanding of what is going on. It would create more mystery if the reader was also in the dark. In my opinion, you should make the reader believe that she is truly being kidnapped, or have subtle hints that the mother is not a captor. Having said all of that, I did like it overall, but making the language unintelligible would probably raise my score. Either that or make the whole thing in past tense, so that it makes more sense for the reader to understand.

Appeal: (2/5)​

Even though this is GL, I think the appeal score is lowered to 2. This is due to the fact that she isn't going to be portrayed as a typical "cute" protagonist. The fact that she is even masculine looking is a negative to most potential male readers (I think). On top of that, there is the gross factor of projectile vomiting cubes. Though saying all of this, it makes me want to read more just to understand the reason for cube vomit. This story appeals to me (especially if you change the thing about language comprehension), but I really don't think this appeals to the majority of SH reader base.

Conclusion​

The fact that it is written in first person present should mean that the reader has the same understanding as the character (IMO). Your writing itself is actually quite good, and I will likely still add it to my reading list (even with the flaw). I personally want to read on, but I don't think this story has massive SH appeal.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​