Feedback for a new story please :)

TheIcMan

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Hey everyone!
I am really new here to the site (just signed up yesterday :)), and I uploaded my story, The Last Aldrian, as well. I was really nervous doing it, but I've been getting views! So that's pretty exciting.

If anyone can, please give me some feedback! I've uploaded the story to another site, Inkitt, but I haven't gotten any comments or anything on it :(. Really, all I want is to hear how someone thinks of it, because being trapped in a bubble for a while with just me and my writing has put me in huge writer's block and given me a lot of doubts.

I just want to hear from different perspectives :D
 

Jemini

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Ok, so, I read a little over half of the 1st chapter.

It will take me a while to go over all the things that I could call out as needing improvement, so before I start I would like to know how dedicated you are to the idea of making this story good. Be warned, I'm going to be a harsh but fair critic.

For a few basic points in overview without going into specifics too much...

1. You are probably the kind of person who should not use cursing in your writing. There are 2 types of people who use cursing. The people who want to portray their characters in a rough and dirty way, and those who are using cursing as an excuse for characterization to make up for the quality of their writing by shocking the audience. I can see that you are in the 2nd category, and you are well aware of the fact that you are in the second category by your own admission. I will tell you now, it doesn't work. In fact, it actually lowers the quality of your writing. Don't use cursing unless you can fit into category 1.

2. There is a serious logic and motivation problem here, specifically in the matter of the men attacking the girl. They are surrounded by an active threat of the wolves around them trying to kill them, but instead of dealing with the wolves they decide to attack the girl for reasons that look like are related to their personal pleasure. That makes absolutely no sense at all. You don't do something like that when it could get you killed by wild beasts.

3. It made absolutely no sense why the woman was being critical of the guy's methods for distracting the wolves after it worked. It just felt like you were trying to insert banter for the sake of having banter. It worked. No reasonable person would question or critisize something that they just saw work out.

These were the really glaring points off the top. These points, the 2nd one especially, shows that you have not considered your characters and what they think at all. They do not feel like people, they feel like paper dolls you are role-playing out a scenario with like a child would. That is not the sort of thing that encourages a reader to come back for more. It actually scares away readers when they see the author has not put in the time to really make their characters feel like a real person.

My biggest recommendation would be characterization. All three of the issues I raised relate to characterization. Try and get more in the heads of your characters, try to have them act in ways that reflect something a real person might do, and I would personally recommend re-writing your entire series from the start. I haven't read the later chapters, but if they are anything like the first chapter then they definitely need it. If you ARE willing to start your whole series over, that's the level of dedication to the work that will inspire me to possibly work with you further and give advice beyond what I just posted here.
 

TheIcMan

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Thank you so much for your reply!
Gosh, I've been really needing someone like you for a while. While this may sound like an excuse, my way of writing is that I'm a write-as-I-go guy. And as this was my first chapter, I didn't know how I was going to start. I myself personally believe that I've gotten a little bit better as I went on, but it may still be a problem for me.

Really, I have been desperate for a response like yours. All I saw was numbers wherever I posted and never really got how people were reacting to my story.

I'll be honest and say that this is possibly my third or fourth rewrite of the entire series, but you know what, I'll rewrite it again. I was planning on finishing the first book all the way through and going back and completely changing it when I got the whole picture, but from what you're saying, it sounds like I should be doing that right now.

And Characterization is something I've been trying to work on for a while myself. And I think I'm having a hard time working that out or getting it at a place that I truly like.

So hey, thanks! If you can, can you tell me what other points you've got for me?
 

TheIcMan

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Sorry I didn't read the first part of your post because I just went straight to the points.

As for how dedicated am I?

I am completely willing to go back and rewrite everything. And I literally mean everything. As I said in the previous post, I've already rewritten the story when it was just me and my own thoughts. So if I can restart it, and have others who are actually good and can understand stories than I read it and give me pointers?

Gosh, that'll be the best thing for me!

So yeah, if you can tell me what was wrong or didn't work out, I'm all for it.

Thanks
 

SleepingFox

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I read your initial part of your first chapter about a day ago...

Anyway... I’ve been thinking about it and why it’s been bothering me, and I initially thought it felt like the story wasn’t going anywhere.

In the first chapter, you should set the expectations of the reader.
Where is this story going to head? Why should I keep reading?
Even if they end up being red herrings, they’re important for catching people attention and having them keep reading.

When I saw the earlier reply, I realized what it was. Your character didn’t have a goal. (Part of characterization)

Sure, but the other problems exist somewhat but they result from this...

We’re told from him complaining that he was told to patrol the forest... but why was he actually doing it?

From what I can tell, the forest at night is extremely dangerous.
Why would he actually bother patrolling the forest in that case?


We (as readers) know nothing about the world or this character.

While it’s important not to info dump, some background to know the time period setting might want to be included (but not outright stated).

Aka, let’s say he talks about Steve- the blacksmith- and how for this trip, he had to fix up his sword.

This provides lots of background knowledge (Middle Ages still use swords... he’s forced to fix it up from previous use, thus he’s likely a swordsman) without spoon feeding it to the reader.

Continuing onward...

What’s his goal, motivation?
Does he want to be the strongest knight, thus couldn’t possibly not do it? (In this case, why is he complaining so much about the task?)

Is there something stopping him from simply not patrolling?
Some evil guard? (whom readers will assume is a antagonist in the story)

If it was me in that situation, I would simply head out for a few hours then lie saying, “Alright, I’ve patrolled it.”
Far safer and comparatively less risky... And nobody likely to find out, because they freaked sent him on his own.

So, unless your trying to characterize him as gullible or an idiot, which somewhat I doubt, you might want to change it to include something that prevents him from disobeying.

Anyway, this is what I noticed.

Please note... take any of my advice with a grain of salt, if you’ve done something purposefully... or this is resolved later I wouldn’t necessarily change it.
Simply clear some things up in the first chapter.

These are things I’m mentioning solely based on my own experiences. (As both a reader and writer.)

Good luck on your story.
 

Jemini

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Ok, I guess I will go paragraph by paragraph for a little bit, the first few paragraphs of the thing held some of the more detailed issues that I saw.

The night’s cool and chilling breeze pricked at Dall’s skin as he carefully moved through the pitch black forest. It was so silent that even the quietest of squeaks from the tiniest of rats would sound like a roar from a tiger. The branches beneath his feet crunched without noise, and the animals that roamed the forest kept silent.

So, it seems you are trying to set the mood and add details here, but a lot of the things you say here have 2 major problems. 1. The repetition of similies for the word quiet is just excessively redundant. If you are going to add extra repititions of the term, it needs to feel like each repitition is referring to something different in terms of the action. You have it referring to something different in terms of nouns, different inanimate objects. Repititions like this need to be in terms of very different seeming action performers, as in part of different groups. Also, simple repitition is not enough, there needs to be some sort of additional detail.

2. There needs to be a reason for the "quiet" being talked about here. It makes sense for a hunter, like you seem to be setting up the perspective character to be, to be moving through the forest quietly. However, why are the animals also being quiet? For the animals to be quiet, it means they have to either sense a threat or have been calmed by something. Them being quiet because they sensed a threat would mean they caught on to Dail's presence, which then ruins the silent hunter image completely. The other possibility is some sort of magic is in play, and that doesn't seem to be the case here.

A possible re-write (don't use mine, use your own words) might be something along the lines of...

Dail planted his foot softly upon the forest floor, carefully shifting his weight so as to allow his foot falls to fall silently upon the pine needles and dried leaves. He did not make a sound as he went along his way, keeping his honed senses alert for the slightest sound of even the smallest of rats that may be rummaging in the brush.

Ok, next paragraph.

“O-Okay, I’m finally this far in. Let’s turn this shit on.” He took out a small orb from his pocket and tensed his muscles. A small flicker of light swirled inside of it, and it gradually grew into an intense beam that lit the blackness of the forest. “It’s not even that strong… Dammit Dad.” Dall grumbled as he continued slowly. He swung the sword in his right hand slowly, twirling it and stabbing the air blindly. “’Oooh. Something’s happened in the Black Forest. Go check it ouuut.’” He mocked, his breath ragged. “I already checked the fucking Forest during the day… Why the fuck…?” He sighed.

This is the very next paragraph following your first where you were talking about all that silent footsteps stuff. After all that, he just suddenly starts talking out loud. This action really does not agree at all with what was happening just before, so it looks like the first paragraph was just for characterization without purpose. He needs to have had some reason for moving so quietly before, and that has to be explained before he changes to this scene where he's breaking his silence. As such, there needs to be some kind of transition paragraph between the two at bare minimum.

Also, why is he stuttering? "O-Okay." Stutters like that are often used by writers to demonstrate that a character's confidence or train of thought has been shaken by some kind of shocking event. I notice later you have the ruffians who are attacking the girl stuttering as well. This is an even worse use of that method, they should definitely sound confident in what they are doing. They should only be stuttering like that if, maybe, one of the ruffians does not like what the boss is doing to the girl and is timidly trying to get him to stop. That is something that could be interesting, but that's not what you did. He was stuttering while cheering the boss on, which made no sense at all.

Anyway, on to the actual content of the paragraph. It looks like this orb he pulled out is some kind of sensing device? He complains about whatever it's sensing "not even being that strong" but then, the very next sentence, gets concerned about something going on in the forest and needing to check it out. These two lines are in conflict with each other as they are written right now.

After that, he complains about having already patrolled the forest during the day, but now he has sensed with his detection device that something actually IS going on and needs to check it out. It really doesn't follow that he would complain about having to patrol after he has sensed something. If you sense something, that indicates that this patrol thing was justified. My recommended fix for this one is to move the complaining line to a point either earlier in the paragraph or otherwise to an entirely new paragraph that takes place before he activates his magic sensing device.

(This is going longer than I thought, I will cut this off here before I risk going over the character limit. I've still got 1 more paragraph that has a critical issue with it.)
 

Jemini

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Ok, last paragraph I will mention for now. This is the last of the harder to notice issues I feel might be repeated during the re-write, there are other issues beyond what's covered in this and the previous two paragraphs, but I feel that after the tips you've gotten so far you should probably be able to find the rest on your own.

A wolf-like beast emerged from the darkness and bared its fangs at him. Its fur was pure white, and its eyes were a nasty, glowing blue. It snarled as it stood ready to pounce on him. It jumped towards him, saliva and spit trailing behind it. He avoided it and readied his blade. It spun around mid-air and landed, positioning itself. The wolf charged once again, but a sword penetrating its heart stopped it in its tracks.

So, this one is actually the best of the three paragraphs here in terms of writing quality, it has the least errors. However, there are still a few things.

First off, adding more details to fuel the imagination is good, but the details have to be relevant to and in line with the action in a scene where you are trying to create some sort of tension. Overall, this paragraph just feels like you rushed into the action too fast. A second paragraph before this depicting all the visible details of the wolf before it attacked would probably be a possible fix. That, or start the action off fast and only give the details after Dail has avoided the wolf's charge.

Also, flipping in mid-air after missing a charge is a bit physics defying. It also does not match the attack style of a wolf at all, because it means it would have had to get a LOT of air well in excess of what would be needed to take down its prey. 1. In order to flip in mid-air, it would need to have already started on the flip before it even reached where Dail was standing. This would mean the wolf was expecting to miss. 2. Normally, it would only use enough jumping force to wind up landing at the location it wanted its prey to fall, so about one to two body lengths behind Dail after he dodges. After it landed then, it would likely keep running and then round on him rather than turn around immediately. That's more in-line with the physics of how a wolf's body works.

Now, how I would write it...

A rustling in the bushes alerted Dail to an oncoming attack. He stepped to the side just in time to see a white quadrapedal silhouette flying past, the creature's head passing through the exact spot in space where his neck was a moment before. Having missed its prey, the creature caught itself on the forest floor, confused for the moment, giving Dail the time he needed to draw his weapon. Before he could strike at the K-9 body of what he recognized now as a wild wolf of the forest, it jumped to the side and, in several short leaps, built some distance between them and began circling around him.

Dail took in the sight of his adversary. It was a wolf with a pure white coat, snarling angrily at the prey it had just missed. He kept his senses alert. Wolves were pack hunters. They never attacked alone. However, he could not find any sign of any of its pack waiting to ambush him. A lone wolf then, huh? For a lone wolf to attack a human, it must have gone mad from hunger. Looking more closely, he could see its ribs visible despite its majestic coat, and it's eyes seemed to speak to its desperation for any meat it could get between its jaws. Drool fell from the starving wolf's mouth, eager to sink its teeth into Dail's flesh.

The smart thing right now would be for it to run away. However, in its madness, it instead came in for a second attack, leaping high into the air with its claws spread out toward its target. The jaws of the wolf spread open, aiming once again for Dail's neck as mucousy thick saliva flew from those jaws and trailed behind it.

Dail aimed his sword at the mad beast's exposed chest, piercing it through the heart. It fell to the ground, the body sliding from the blade as the crimson blood blossomed like a flower over the white pelt.

-

So, yeah. That's an action scene. A lot more detail, but that detail is set in such a way that it compliments whatever action is being taken at the present moment. In the first paragraph, the detail was all in concerns to the things that tipped Dail off, how he avoided it, and then the intentionally inspecific details while describing what attacked him in order with how it would have registered in Dail's brain as he tried to catch up with what was happening.

The second paragraph caught the reader up with what had just happened, and also built tension by including in details like how wolves generally are pack animals and Dail was worried about other attackers. This momentery lull and tension building scene is the ideal place to start putting in details in regards to physical appearance, and it also began to characterize the wolf. Even creatures that are just throw-away adversaries that are only going to be in the story for a few paragraphs need to have characterization. We need to know why they are attacking the character.

The third paragraph returns it to the action with the second charge, and it realizes all of the characterization that was just built up in the second paragraph. Finally, the fourth paragraph is the resolution.

So, in four paragraphs I just told a complete story. That is the trick right there. It may be part of a bigger story, but you need to treat each and every encounter with the care you would give to the larger story. The larger story is ultimately made up of these smaller stories. It has a beginning where the wolf jumps out of the bush, a middle where tension is built and we learn the wolf's motivations and characterization, and then an end where its mad charge resulted in its death on Dail's sword.
 
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Llamadragon

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Wow, that was an interesting read, Jemni. Thanks for sharing your time and skills.

OP, you’ve gotten a lot of good advice, but one more thing is bothering me and it is once again characterization. It’s the scene where the girl questions Dalls’ motives for helping her. She’s not satisfied with his answer, but she doesn’t leave, either. And tbh, as a reader I’m not satisfied with his answer either. It’s not mentioned why he bothers to drag a stranger who doesn’t appreciate him back to his house when he might as well save himself some trouble and either leave her alone or just give her some money and a recommendation for an inn or something, which would be better for them both. So, here you’ve got the girl going against common sense and risk her safety by following a stranger she doesn’t trust to his house. Either she needs to be naive enough, or desperate enough, or it’s gotta be worth it, and none of that seem to be happening.

As for Dall, he doesn’t have to put up with her crap either. Is he doing it because he’d feel bad for leaving her alone? If so, why, she’s out there on her own and therefore she should be capable enough to take care of herself since she was in the woods at night in the first place, now when she’s not in immediate danger. He doesn’t even question where she lives. Does he want her to return with him so she can be questioned about the incident? That’d be a decent motive. It’d also be a decent reason for her to agree to come with him, either out of gratitude or because she want some slices of justice pie.

I agree that characterization is your biggest weakness right now. They just do stuff without motives or reason.
 

Jemini

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In regards to improving characterization skills, I have found that the absolute best writing exercise you can possibly do to improve your characterization skills is to participate in some forum-based role playing. We don't seem to have a role playing section here right now, although I have requested one and a mod responded saying it sounded like a good idea and would be included later. You can wait for the RP section here to be added, or you can go to some other forum and join an RP there.

It's just a lot easier to practice characterization when you are dealing with only your one character and trying to figure out how to do something with your character that's different from being just a self insert, and then having that character interact with a bunch of other people doing the same. Personally operating all the different characters in your own story is hard mode. It's real good to start off a lot easier with just the one character in an RP.
 

JustHANO

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I'm at work so I'll write bit by bit, starting with this paragraph.

The night’s cool and chilling breeze pricked at Dall’s skin as he carefully moved through the pitch black forest. It was so silent that even the quietest of squeaks from the tiniest of rats would sound like a roar from a tiger. The branches beneath his feet crunched without noise, and the animals that roamed the forest kept silent.

I disagree with jemini. This is the best paragraph that I've read in the first chapter. It still does have problems. Redundancy is one of them.

After explaining how silent it was you go on to say that the branches didnt make noises and the animals neither. This seem like a no duh moment to me. I really like the sentence about the tinest of rats sounding like a tiger tho.

Jemini said it needs to make since why it's quiet. I see their point but I also understand why this is here. It's suppose to be contrasted with whats about to happen; on a normal night in the forest it's quiet, but now there's fire and screaming. I do however need a reason for Dall to be being so quiet because he is in this paragraph, but every other one he isn't.

It looks like he's sneaking around, not crunching branches, but why?

This starts the trend in your work of never having a why for almost anything and thats not good.

Why is he quiet here but talking to him later.
Not to alert predators?

Why does he bring out a light then?

Why is he even out here?

Those all rise from the very beginning and I'll point out more as i go on. For now I feel like ending this by saying you should keep those first two sentences, then explain why him and or the forest is so quiet. Something like

"The forest was essentially sleep. Only the sneaky and vicious predators of the night was awake, hunting their next...." that was terrible but you get my point.

Random thought but explaining why he's silent roots from the whole why is he even here ordeal that ill touch on in like 45 mins.
 

JustHANO

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This was a hard one for me, noticed that I was basically ranting all about your minor villian characters lol.

Before the big why is here ordeal, let me speak about you characters. No offense and I dont know if this is amazing or awful but... I hate them all. Some could see that as a avchiement. Jokes aside, they aren't too pleasing of characters.

Start with the simple one, random girl (I never caught her name.) I cant stand her. She seems like the bitchy tsdunere girl, but it's worst because her first interactions come off as her being dumb too. Like her talking to Dall reminded me off that Patrick meme where he's talking to manray like

"So I just saved your life so I seem like a trustworthy person right"

"Yep."

"And you can fight right?"

"Yep"

"And if you don't fight we'reboth going to die right?"

"Makes sense to me"

"So help me fight our way out."

"No, why would I do that. Let me sit here and contapliant if I'd rather die instead."

That's how the meme goes right?

Dall is Dull. Jk he's not but had to try and sneak that one in. Dall sounds like an edgy teenager who thinks he's epic. He curse every other sentence, mad at his dad and friend for no good reason. He grins when he does something epic, i just don't like these basic MC.

Then these wrong doers... I could write an essay on why i hate them, in fact I did but it was a unneeded rant. They're just basic "rapey" villains. It's a cliche to make rapey villains because it turns the readers against them fast, but that doesn't mean it's a good cliche or healthly one for anime/manga/LN in general. When one of the villains tell the other villains to not torture the girl because it's not needed and they do it anyways, that's really pushing it.

With the characters out the way ill touch on the method you're trying to put in. You're trying to make this world seem gritty and grimy. People curse a lot, you slash out eyes (but killings off limits lol), and people torture people. But this is a bit ham fisted in.

People curse a lot, but only when they're talking to themself? There was one good place for Dall to say "fuck off" and he doesn't. It's weird that he's polite to these rapist, off balancing this gritty world. It's like that trendy saying "when .... ,come with that same energy."

People slash eyes out, but killing is off the limits. This seems silly to me but I can see reasons for this.

People torture girl, even though they're surrounded by wolf's. I'll probably make a few paragraphs about this later.

It seems like this gritty-ness is being ham fisted in at the wrong moments.

Probably dial it back on the cursing. Like 99% of it or spread it around. Because it just make Dall seem edgy.

Think about changing those rapey villains, you don't have too but probably make them less ham fisted rapey. They're be attacked at any moments, maybe listen to the guy and say the magic for the wolf's?

As for Dall... save this character. This is a really roundabout way but maybe start the story a bit further back, either when his dad tells him to go or when he's trying to get his friend to come. This way we see more than just the after math of being sent out and denied. Because starting where you did start, he seems whiny and edging for cursing his dad and friend name. and we also might find out why he's in the forest at all (next post ill touch on this one)

That is very jumbled up because i deleted a lot of my rant. Give me 10 and I'll try to make the next one less jumbled.
 

JustHANO

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I'm on the phone so quoting is a lot of work... but I have to do it.

"If there isn't an obvus explaination of why something happens, it should be explained." -Thanos, Albert Einstein, and me. But mostly me. Only me.

I feel like that a good rule of thumb though.

"I jump in the water, holding my breath as i sink to the depths."

Oh he's holding his breath because he can't breath under water.

"I walk through the forest, holding my breath along the ways."

Why? gotta explain that one.

There are plenty of exceptions like it being a mystery on purpose, holding off to explain later for reasons or it being a writerly text instead of a readerly text meaning it's suppose to be deep.

Examples from your text

Why is he sneaking. Will it meet any of the criteria up there? No, please explain than.

Why he pulled out a light source if he's sneaking? Will it meet? No?

Why are the wolfs not attacking them. Oh I see they attack in packs? Why did the first wolf attack alone? Why do they wait around once they get a pack? Why did the pack not help the first wolf? I feel like they are there to add pressure and or suspense, but they need to be acommpanied by text that does that. Like everytime an action happen you remind the reader the wolf's are getting closer, licking their fangs, more gather, making the circle small. Every time someone did anything in that rapey torture scene add something that'll make me beleive the wolf's are acutally there and apply pressure.

Imma need a 5 page paper on why dude used all of that magic just to torture some girl they had capture instead of on the wolf's 😂

Now the big one, why is he in the forest.

“’Oooh. Something’s happened in the Black Forest. Go check it ouuut.’” He mocked, his breath ragged. “I already checked the fucking Forest during the day… Why the fuck…?” He sighed.

He could’ve sworn to himself that he constantly showed his father that he was doing his job properly: patrolling the cities and taking care of whatever happens in the Forest. Of course, Dall wasn’t the only soldier to be roaming Lupin’s Realm, but he was certainly the only soldier to even dare step foot in this infamous hell-hole

He's there to investigate, but what. It was quiet when he got there. Was it that event that was going on? What happened if not? Was it a sound or did the dad sense it? I'm confused why he's here. He checked it this morning. Why send a soldier alone to a disruption at night. He says himself "I'm not that strong." There seems to be some ham fisting here. Maybe all he needs is for dad to tell him go, but imma need a bit more.

Some examples of things not needing explanation.

The orbs of magic can be explained later.

He brought out the light just now because it's darker the further in the forest you are.

The girl isn't trusting because things we'll know later.

I think imma end here Because I got no more chances to type til im off. Hope I helped.
 

TheIcMan

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Jesus Christ there's so much!

I'm in the middle of class right now, but guys, thanks so much for replying to the post!

I have been starved for criticisms like this, and although it does kind of sting, I absolutely see my problems and issues here.

So I've decided to do a complete rewrite, taking all of your advice into account!

So if possible, what should I do if I want you guys to check out the new first chapter? Should I just take all of the chapters off and reupload?
 

SleepingFox

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Jesus Christ there's so much!

I'm in the middle of class right now, but guys, thanks so much for replying to the post!

I have been starved for criticisms like this, and although it does kind of sting, I absolutely see my problems and issues here.

So I've decided to do a complete rewrite, taking all of your advice into account!

So if possible, what should I do if I want you guys to check out the new first chapter? Should I just take all of the chapters off and reupload?

You can just PM me with the chapter link.
 

JustHANO

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Idk how pms work, but i check this site daily to procrastinate. If you bump this thread ill see it.
 

Jemini

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Jesus Christ there's so much!

I'm in the middle of class right now, but guys, thanks so much for replying to the post!

I have been starved for criticisms like this, and although it does kind of sting, I absolutely see my problems and issues here.

So I've decided to do a complete rewrite, taking all of your advice into account!

So if possible, what should I do if I want you guys to check out the new first chapter? Should I just take all of the chapters off and reupload?

Well, I said if you are willing to put in the effort and re-write I would continue helping, so yeah you can PM me as well like Fox said
 

XianPiete

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Hey everyone!
I am really new here to the site (just signed up yesterday :)), and I uploaded my story, The Last Aldrian, as well. I was really nervous doing it, but I've been getting views! So that's pretty exciting.

If anyone can, please give me some feedback! I've uploaded the story to another site, Inkitt, but I haven't gotten any comments or anything on it :(. Really, all I want is to hear how someone thinks of it, because being trapped in a bubble for a while with just me and my writing has put me in huge writer's block and given me a lot of doubts.

I just want to hear from different perspectives :D

I only managed to get through the first chapter but the major issues I am seeing are that you like to use one sentence paragraphs a lot. You also like to use unattributed quotes which make reading back forth dialog highly annoying to read. The content of your story also seems to be relying heavily on trope and cliche which means that with the annoying to read issues I mentioned above, it feels like it's not worth reading further into the story. I feel like this story is something you really want to write, but you are trying to fit it within the box of similar stories you have read rather than looking to write with your own voice. It's almost as if you are afraid to write it without the crutch of 'this is how this kind of story is supposed to be written'.

The people above gave you specific examples, but I would say rather than picking apart your story line by line, I think you should go back and rethink what it was that you wanted to write. Then start off with a fresh mind and start from the beginning and write the world you want without the boundaries and borders created by another author.
 

SleepingFox

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I only managed to get through the first chapter but the major issues I am seeing are that you like to use one sentence paragraphs a lot.

I wouldn’t actually consider this a problem.

That’s more of a stylist choice.

Short, quick sentences can provide a feeling of rapid pace.

Meanwhile, long blocky paragraphs can create the sense that action is slowing down. Useful for adding extra information and providing extra details that could normally be missed without subtracting from the reading experience.

I usually find myself skimming through or simply ignoring the longer paragraphs as a reader. As, most of the time, the information they provide isn’t important.

In my opinion, the best way of writing is the way that allows readers to easily and quickly understand your intent.

For things like long paragraphs, and other such stylistic choices, there isn’t a particularly right or wrong way of doing it.
 
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TheIcMan

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Hey guys! Thanks so much for your support!
After all this time, and after so many months of writer's block I realized what my main, main problem was (aside from Characterization of course, haha). And that was my desire to go straight to the big picture rather than the smaller.

I love stories that focus on the characters and grow slowly over time. And for some strange, strange reason, I totally forgot to do that for my own.

And so, under the new title "The Violet Curse", I'd love it if, if you can, you can tell me if I've improved or still need work on a lot of things (And I still think I do).
 

SleepingFox

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Hey guys! Thanks so much for your support!
After all this time, and after so many months of writer's block I realized what my main, main problem was (aside from Characterization of course, haha). And that was my desire to go straight to the big picture rather than the smaller.

I love stories that focus on the characters and grow slowly over time. And for some strange, strange reason, I totally forgot to do that for my own.

And so, under the new title "The Violet Curse", I'd love it if, if you can, you can tell me if I've improved or still need work on a lot of things (And I still think I do).


The writing seems to have improved dramatically.
To the point that, if the few things I mention are fixed, I’ll probably be following your story.

A few things I’ll note.

Try reading it on mobile.

The long blocky paragraphs are fine, but they should be split up occasionally.
A good rule of thumb is, if another action is happening or someone else is speaking, break the paragraphs.

Excerpt from your story.

——————————————————

The two young men sat in the corner of the room, close to the fireplace. Dall sipped slowly at his water, watching over his friend wail and moan. He looked around the room, finding it lucky that they had the whole place to themselves. He sneaked a glance at the waitress standing by. Her chocolate brown hair fell just above her shoulders, freckles dotting her tanned cheeks. She stood there, smiling. Guess she’s finally gotten used to it, huh?He got up and patted Simon on the back, “Come on, man. Let’s get you to your room. I think you’ve got patrol in a few hours.”
——————————————————

First, this is a massive chunk of text.
...And it’s all in one paragraph.

Normally, I wouldn’t note this because it can be a stylistic choice... but, it’s extremely intimidating to a reader and completely unnecessarily.

At minimum, every time someone different speaks, you should split the paragraph.

Secondly, but less importantly, try to vary sentence structure.

Finally, I recommend removing redundant words.
Video on that...



Anyway, I’ve edited the paragraph slightly to show what I mean.

————————————————————
The two young men sat in the corner of the room, close to the fireplace.

Dall sipped slowly at his water, watching over his friend wail and moan. Slowly gazing around the room.

It’s completely empty in here. Somewhat lucky and unusual to have the whole place to themselves.

Sneaking a glance at the waitress standing nearby. Her chocolate brown hair fell above her shoulders, freckles dotting her tanned cheeks.

She’s smiling.

//EDIT: We don’t need to be told she’s standing nearby again... Potentially add a metaphor, or simile, after smiling.
//It’s not necessary, but I would make it a new paragraph because someone different is taking an action.

Guess she’s finally gotten used to it, huh? (//gotten used to what? Her job?)

He got up and pat Simon on the back, “Come on. Let’s get you to your room. Don’t you have patrol in a few hours?”
————————————————————

Edit:
Also... I’ve noticed two more minor things.

First, you’ve chosen to keep us in the dark about why it’s odd to see a wild despairity.

Personally, I wouldn’t do this.

Keeping the reader in the dark about something that’s common sense to, seemingly, every character only makes them upset.

Secondly, from this paragraph...
——————————————————
“B-But Joe, I can still fight, I swear I can!” Dall watched as a single knight stood up. The knight threw off the helmet, and Dall recognized his curly brown hair immediately, “I-I’m not gonna let some, some Despairity freak me out!”
——————————————————

I assumed Dan was doing the talking, not the knight, because he was mentioned first.

Apparently, he wasn’t... which I figured out the next paragraph, but that’s unnecessary confusion.

Just don’t mention Dale.

We’re already seeing things through his eyes.
We don’t need to be told he watched the knight.
 
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