Feedback for my BL story~?

Owl

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Apr 10, 2019
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Hey everyone, I'm hoping to get some feedback on my BL story, as far as it goes right now :)
Here it is
It's a cultivation + rebirth type of story, with a MC who completely lacks common sense. It's rather fast paced right now, though I'm not sure if not too fast... Also a bit gory at the start, as a warning
Any feedback is very appreciated and if you have questions, please ask :3 I want to write the rest of the story while knowing what mistakes I did at the start and how to avoid them!
 

tiaf

The insignificant artist failure
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May 29, 2019
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Haha, now I’m hooked :blob_upset: (time to procrastinate a bit on writing)

MC is super cute and funny with his religious devotion to ML. As for ML, can’t say anything beside likeable. So kind, not overbearing, very patient. (Ah, I can already foresee Shi Yue running behind Xie Yi stopping him from doing bad/stupid stuff)

Grammar is solid. Couldn’t se any glaring problems, but my English isn’t that awesome. Grammarly or other spelling apps are a better advice.

You say it’s fast paced, but since the focus is on BL, I see no problem. For beginners, who don’t know Cultivation genre it’s actually quite good. If you wanted to make it more classical cultivation style, then I would suggest you add some classical proverbs or phrases like e.g. clean like jade, heaven defying, etc.

But it’s already good as it is. (Don’t heed my words too much, I just adore flowery, romantic words of CNovels.)

Btw you could name the first ten nameless stages First Layer Qi Refining, Second Layer and so on.

It’s very promising! Keep up, I will read it! (Though I may stockpile first)
 

UndyingEmbers

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Jul 6, 2019
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I read the prologue and although I have never read a cultivation story, I can say that I found the story to be very well written and interesting. Your grammar is great and I like the style that you use to make up your paragraphs. Keep up the awesome work! I'm sure that I'll keep reading!
 

Moonpearl

That Yuri Girl
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Dec 25, 2018
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It's a good story! The only problem I can really see is the prologue.

I feel that you focus too much on the protagonist's thoughts and on telling the reader directly about the past that led up to the opening scene. There's not enough description of the present to really ground me in the setting and give the death of the protagonist and his love interest any weight.

It also means that there's not a lot of distinction between his thoughts, the flashbacks, and what's going on in the scene.
This bit here especially:
When he had come back to ask the elders, the ones that raised him, they had turned mad at him.
How dare he question them. How dare he listen to what others say. He just needed to follow their orders.

Orders?, he had asked. Orders? You were giving me orders? I don’t remember you ordering me.
Although, he had thought, it was true - in the end, didn’t he always do what they suggested? Wasn’t that why things had turned out like this?

He had asked them, once more. But he hated their answer. Shi Yue was worthless, a coward, not someone who should be at Xie Yi’s side. It would be better if he died.

Xie Yi had cut their throats to silence them. Those words, no one should say them. Shi Yue was like a god descended to earth, a benevolent and divine being. No one could sully him.
I took this for a flashback until he mentioned killing them. It's a little confusing to understand how and when the protagonist left the bleeding body and went to kill his elders.
As a result, it sort of feels like everything and everyone in this chapter doesn't have a set geographical location either. People just sort of float into the scene whenever it's convenient.

Unfortunately, this scene is the motivation for the entire story, and what we're supposed to be referring back to in our minds all the time. It didn't impact me enough, so I don't feel like I have that initial understanding of or connection with the main character that these scenes are supposed to provide for second chance novels. It maybe lessens the impact of the story overall by a little.

The story is still good, though~! Have added to my reading list.
 

Owl

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Apr 10, 2019
Messages
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It's a good story! The only problem I can really see is the prologue.

I feel that you focus too much on the protagonist's thoughts and on telling the reader directly about the past that led up to the opening scene. There's not enough description of the present to really ground me in the setting and give the death of the protagonist and his love interest any weight.

It also means that there's not a lot of distinction between his thoughts, the flashbacks, and what's going on in the scene.
This bit here especially:

I took this for a flashback until he mentioned killing them. It's a little confusing to understand how and when the protagonist left the bleeding body and went to kill his elders.
As a result, it sort of feels like everything and everyone in this chapter doesn't have a set geographical location either. People just sort of float into the scene whenever it's convenient.

Unfortunately, this scene is the motivation for the entire story, and what we're supposed to be referring back to in our minds all the time. It didn't impact me enough, so I don't feel like I have that initial understanding of or connection with the main character that these scenes are supposed to provide for second chance novels. It maybe lessens the impact of the story overall by a little.

The story is still good, though~! Have added to my reading list.
You've got a good point there, thank you! I'll rework that as soon as possible so that people don't get stuck there :)
 

Ruyi

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Jan 22, 2019
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Cultivation BL with master-disciple dynamics?! Ahhh count me in, that’s one of my favorite tropes!!

Anyways I’m reading it now and agree with what the above poster said about the time being unclear in the prologue. Another tiny thing I suggest you do is capitalize the title so it looks more formal.

I appreciate the fast pacing and am enjoying it so far! Your master disciple pair seem to have a more harmonious relationship than the ones in my own fic haha~
 

Owl

New member
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Apr 10, 2019
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Cultivation BL with master-disciple dynamics?! Ahhh count me in, that’s one of my favorite tropes!!

Anyways I’m reading it now and agree with what the above poster said about the time being unclear in the prologue. Another tiny thing I suggest you do is capitalize the title so it looks more formal.

I appreciate the fast pacing and am enjoying it so far! Your master disciple pair seem to have a more harmonious relationship than the ones in my own fic haha~
It's Ruyi!!!! Omg!!! :D
Thanks for the feedback! :3 Yeah, their relationship is quite harmonious, though it will definitely get some hiccups and stormy times~ since right now, Xie Yi is still too powerless for his murderous side to truly show, ehehe...
 
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