The in-depth advice I'd give you is from reading your first chapter is: try to be more focused with your writing.
Every scene should have an event/emotion, purpose, pulse (or tone), and structure.
- Event/emotion - something that happens in a scene that elicits a reaction from the reader
- Purpose - a clear narrative function for the reader (ex. to introduce the main character's background)
- Structure - a beginning, middle, and end
- And pulse - the vibrancy, life force, flow that drives the story and attracts your readers
Every scene, every description, every piece of dialogue, every sentence should have its own place in progressing the plot. Otherwise, cut such unnecessary fluff out of your work. It bores readers.
Right from the get-go, your story seems to be a bit disorganized and random. For example, you include this sentence when introducing the main character:
Is such information really necessary? Why do we have to know the protagonist is a half-white half-Asian man? From what I could tell, reading the rest of the chapter, such information is completely irrelevant. Other tidbits of odd information are scattered throughout the chapter as well. This piece of dialogue, for example:
Why add "which is a thousand times better than yours" or "stalking a public figure?" The "thousand times better than yours" just makes the main character seem jealous and insecure of his own looks, as though he were trying to convince himself of that. And the "stalking a public figure" is implied when it comes to idiotic paparazzi.
The most pertinent issue, however, is the confusing tone/pulse/purpose of the chapter. Is this supposed to be satire? Is this supposed to be basic wish-fulfillment? Or am I actually supposed to be awed by the protagonist saying "
I only used 15% of my power" like he was some kind of Dragonball character? Even though the main character says he's emotionless, it barely comes through the page. Even though he says he loves his home Japan, it doesn't feel like that at all. By the end of the chapter, I am left even more confused than when I started, and not in a good way.
In any case, I think it'd be good if you asked yourself what is it you want your audience to take away, what kind of tone you want to create. Who is it that you want your main character to be? And how can you accomplish this without using childish dialogue where the villain says, "Ew, you're a stinky monster, MC!" while the MC whips back his silver hair to say, "Heh, you fool! Do you think I wanted to be a monster? I was [insert tragic backstory]. It was the world that made me a monster! Now I will mercifully allow you to die by the 1% of power leaking out of my pinky finger!!!"?