Feedback for my story please. 18+

Nekroz

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I just want some feed back for my story. Heres the first chapter:

Amanda brought the brush to her long white hair. Every stroke bringing it closer to perfection. The morning ritual had been completed, and her hair had reached it's desired state. Next on her list of morning tasks was getting dressed.




With towel firmly clasped in hand and draped around her ponderous bust, Amanda exited into the hall. Her hand turned the knob of her bedroom as she entered. After a quick search Amanda found her quarry; a rather large pink bra. The towel fell unceremoniously to the messy floor below, and was swiftly replaced with the bra. The sizable device was strained to it's limits by Amanda's globular assets. The bra was quickly joined in it's task of protecting Amanda's modesty by a black top.

"KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!"

Amanda briefly paused; irritation brewing as she resumed dressing herself. She grabbed her favori-

"KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!"

She told herself that it would go away if she ignored it. Yet even as she struggled to pull up her yo-

"KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!"

For a moment Amanda thought to scream for the knocking to go away, or to tell it to leave her alone. But she knew that it would not work, that it would ignore her pleads and continue till she opened the door. Which Amanda found herself considering as she still struggled to pull her pan-

"KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!"

Finally dressed Amanda made her way to her living room. She stopped and stared at her front door; tempted to open it, she approached.

"KNOCKKNOCK-"

Amanda flung open the door, her stomach roared in fury at the deviation from her normal routine. Amanda ignored it as she stared down at the short woman before her. The two stood opposite of each other watching in silence.

"Finally! Do you know how cold it is outside?" Said the short woman as she passed by Amanda into the house proper.

Amanda watched as her old friend came in and sat on her couch. Right next to the crater that was her usual place of seating.

"My boss wants me to offer you a job."

"You could've called to tell me that."

"You're right I could've called but I wanted to know why my best friend's been avoiding everybody, including me."

Amanda looked her old friend in the eyes, and sighed. "I'm sorry Nicole I, I just didn't want to be seen like this."

"Seriously! You blocked everyone out of your life for five years just because you've gained some weight?"

Amanda placed her hands on her hips sending a quake throughout her lowerbody. "Look at me Nicole, I can't even fit through a door without having to turn sideways. I've gained way more than just 'some weight'."

"Ok yes you have a point. But it doesn't prevent you from leaving your home, or even calling."

Amanda knew that what Nicole said was true, and that she was in the wrong for her actions. But she couldn't find the strength to admit it out loud; the room fell into silence as Amanda sat down next to her best friend, in the crater of her own making. As tears fell from her eye, the two friends embraced each other in a hug.

"At least the weight looks good on you. Not everyone can pull off the super mega bottom-heavy look like you can."

"I'm not THAT bottom heavy." Amanda chuckled.

".... You kinda are though." Nicole awkwardly admitted to her friend.

"...."

"...."

"... You said you had a job offer for me?"

"Oh yeah. my boss wanted me to invite you to join the G.H.A, it's short for the Grand Hero Association." Nicole said as she handed Amanda a slip of folded paper. "And this is the pay he's offering you."

Amanda unfolded the paper and quickly looked over it's contents. She glanced at Nicole then back at the paper in her hands. "He's paying this much, for hero work?"

"Yeah, have you seen the news lately? Crime is through the roof."

"Really? Since when?"

"Since three years ago when tuxedo flame died."

"Wait what!? How come no one ever told me about this?"

"You shut yourself in, remember?" Nicole pointed out. "But that doesn't matter right now, what does matter is whether you're in or you're out."

Amanda looked down at the paper in her hands, and then back up at her best friend. "Yeah, I'm in."

"Awesome! But before we go get you officially signed up and all that do you wanna go buy some new clothes? Like a bra maybe?"

"Um, sure let me go get my laptop real quick."

"Oh come on Amanda, you can at least muster up the courage to buy clothes in public."

"... I have to get my bra's custom ordered. They don't sell them at my size in stores." Amanda sheepishly admitted.

"Oh. Well in that case lets order some pizza then, I'm famished."

Amanda's stomach roared in approval to Nicole's suggestion, as Amanda nodded her head. She made her way to her bedroom, where her laptop and phone lay on her unkempt bed. Amanda grabbed the devices, and sidled out of the room and back into the living room with prizes in hand. She handed Nicole her phone, as she pulled the website she usually used to shop for bras.

"What sorta pizza do you want?"

"Uh, just get me five family sized supremes."

Nicole stared at her friend for a moment before relaying her order to the man on the other end of the phone. She leaned over to see the what Amanda was looking at. She found her bottom-heavy friend looking through various bra designs. Eventually she finally decided on one; a suprisingly pink frilly one. After making her selection Amanda was brought to a different screen asking for her measurements. The wide woman stood up, left the room, and returned minutes later with a flustered face. She tried to cover up the the size she typed in, but her attempts failed at concealing her measurements from Nicole.

Amanda looked to the side, and caught Nicole intensely staring at her far too large breasts. She waited for Nicole to comment on their immense size, but it never came. She simply stared and then looked away. For a moment they sat in silence, until it was broken by another roar from Amanda's stomach. Her cheeks went red as her friend cast a glance at the swell of her gut. It roared again, louder this time; almost as if trying to shake the house. Before it could roar yet again Amanda stood and walked to her kitchen.

She opened up her cabinets and pulled out two boxes of cereal and returned to the couch. She reclaimed her seat on the couch, as she opened up the first cereal box and began to cram it's contents into her mouth. Over the course of minutes Amanda had finished the first box, and moved on to the next. Like it's predecessor it was gone within minutes. Just as Amanda got up from her seat to dispose of the empty boxes the doorbell rang.

"I never knew you had a doorbell."

Amanda shot a glare in Nicole's direction as she opened the door. She turned to see the delivery boy intently staring at her. She took her order from him, and handed him the money he was supposed to have asked for. She bumped the door closed with a swing of her hip. Once again she reclaimed her seat on the couch as she sat the pizza on the table in the room's center. Before she let her hunget get the best of her, Amanda handed Nicole the box that was supposed to be her's.

Amanda ate her food as if possessed by a starved animal. Every slice she picked up dissappeared moments after it came close to her mouth. After one box had been finished it would be tossed aside as Amanda tore through the next. Amanda managed to finish all of her pizzas and the two liter of soda they had ordered Before Nicole had even finished eating her own much smaller small pizza.

Nicole looked at het friend; eyes transfixed on the pizza in her hand. "You can have the rest of my pizza if you want."

As quick as a snake, Amanda snatched Nicole's pizza and practically dumped it's contents down her throat. In a sensual fashion Amanda then began to rub the stuffed dome her belly had become.

"Amanda, do you like being fat?"

Amanda's motions came to an abrupt halt at Nicole's unexpected question. "... A little, Yeah."

"Good. I like you fat to."

Amanda's face turned bright red as she resumed stroking her gut. "Could you bring me some more cereal then?"

"Only if you let me rub that belly."

For Amanda the next couple of hours were complete bliss till Nicole had to leave. She waved goodbye from the doorway as Nicole got in her car and drove away. After her car had vanished out of site Amanda closed her door behind her as she went to her bedroom. She removed her top, and her bra. Her yoga pants tore as she pulled them off, and tried her hardest to keep her panties from sharing a similar fate. After undressing herself, Amanda closed her eyes as she lay upon her bed and fell asleep.
 

TheTrinary

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Well I guess the first question is what are you going for? Type of story, demographic, how do you want it taken?
 

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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Most readers on ScribbleHub are silent.
For feedback, I recommend writing.com or WritersCafe. Both of those sites have point systems that encourage users to leave reviews.
 

Ai-chan

Queen of Yuri Devourer of Traps
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Hi, thanks for sharing. It's too early for Ai-chan to comment on the story itself. However, Ai-chan does have a few advice to improve your writing.

Most glaring thing is your use of the protagonist's name, Amanda. You used it too much. You can see 'Amanda' in almost every first line of each paragraph. You used 'Amanda' to start the paragraph a bit too much and made it sound repetitive.

This for example:
Amanda shot a glare in Nicole's direction as she opened the door. She turned to see the delivery boy intently staring at her. She took her order from him, and handed him the money he was supposed to have asked for. She bumped the door closed with a swing of her hip. Once again she reclaimed her seat on the couch as she sat the pizza on the table in the room's center. Before she let her hunget get the best of her, Amanda handed Nicole the box that was supposed to be her's.

Amanda ate her food as if possessed by a starved animal. Every slice she picked up dissappeared moments after it came close to her mouth. After one box had been finished it would be tossed aside as Amanda tore through the next. Amanda managed to finish all of her pizzas and the two liter of soda they had ordered Before Nicole had even finished eating her own much smaller small pizza.

Nicole looked at het friend; eyes transfixed on the pizza in her hand. "You can have the rest of my pizza if you want."

As quick as a snake, Amanda snatched Nicole's pizza and practically dumped it's contents down her throat. In a sensual fashion Amanda then began to rub the stuffed dome her belly had become.

"Amanda, do you like being fat?"

Amanda's motions came to an abrupt halt at Nicole's unexpected question. "... A little, Yeah."

"Good. I like you fat to."

Amanda's face turned bright red as she resumed stroking her gut. "Could you bring me some more cereal then?"

"Only if you let me rub that belly."

For Amanda the next couple of hours were complete bliss till Nicole had to leave. She waved goodbye from the doorway as Nicole got in her car and drove away. After her car had vanished out of site Amanda closed her door behind her as she went to her bedroom. She removed her top, and her bra. Her yoga pants tore as she pulled them off, and tried her hardest to keep her panties from sharing a similar fate. After undressing herself, Amanda closed her eyes as she lay upon her bed and fell asleep.

Could instead be changed into this:

Amanda shot a glare in Nicole's direction as she opened the door. Turning around, she saw the delivery boy intently staring at her. Her hand took the package before handing him the money he was supposed to have asked for. With a swing of her hips, she slammed the door close to his face. Once again she reclaimed her seat on the couch as she sat the pizza on the table in the room's center. Before letting her hunger got the best of her, Amanda handed Nicole the box that was supposed to be hers.

Like a starving animal, she wolfed down the food as Nicole watched in disgust. Every slice she picked up disappeared moments after it came close to her mouth, as if a black hole had appeared and claimed every piece of bread. Once one box was emptied, it was tossed aside as she tore through the next. Amanda managed to finish all of her pizzas and the two liter of soda they had ordered before Nicole could have a chance eating through her own much smaller small pizza.

Nicole looked at her friend; eyes transfixed on the pizza in her hand. "You can have the rest of my pizza if you want."

Quick like a snake, Amanda snatched Nicole's pizza and practically dumped it's contents down her throat. In a sensual fashion Amanda then began to rub the stuffed dome her belly had become.

"Amanda, do you like being fat?"

Amanda's motions came to an abrupt halt at Nicole's unexpected question. "... A little, Yeah."

"Good. I like you fat too."

Amanda's face turned bright red as she resumed stroking her gut. "Could you bring me some more cereal then?"

"Only if you let me rub that belly."

For Amanda the next couple of hours were complete bliss till Nicole had to leave. She waved goodbye from the doorway as Nicole got in her car and drove away. After her car had vanished out of sight, she closed the door behind her before moving to her bedroom. In short order, her top was dumped onto the bed, before it was followed by her bra. Her yoga pants were torn off without meaning to, causing her to try as hard as she could to keep her panties from sharing a similar fate. After undressing herself, Amanda laid on her bed, closed her eyes and fell asleep.
 

Jemini

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Her hips were like
Two ships in port
One headed south,
And the other headed north

Sounds like you might have to change the name of this character to Katalina Matalina.

Sorry, not a helpful comment. I just couldn't help thinking of this line from an old kids song when you kept repeating the part about her being "bottom heavy," and I just couldn't get this out of my head so I had to share it.
 

Nekroz

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Her hips were like
Two ships in port
One headed south,
And the other headed north

Sounds like you might have to change the name of this character to Katalina Matalina.

Sorry, not a helpful comment. I just couldn't help thinking of this line from an old kids song when you kept repeating the part about her being "bottom heavy," and I just couldn't get this out of my head so I had to share it.
What kids song is this. Also I slightly doubt that this is a kids song. Also, also, Also.
 

Jemini

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What kids song is this. Also I slightly doubt that this is a kids song. Also, also, Also.
The song is called Katalina Matalina, and it describes a woman with absolutely bizzare characteristics that only a kid's song can make out.


This is the official version. The version I learned was a little altered. I heard it from my dad. He had heard it from his boyscout troup when he was a kid. The version they sang made it straight-up about Katalina Matalina just being unbelievably fat, of course, and altering all the lines to fit. The only line they got similar was the one about her hips, but that was altered too.

She had two hips
As big as ships
They came in handy
When she went on trips

EDIT: They changed her name for their version as well.

Katalina Matalina
Woopensteinen Wallendeinen
Hogan Mogan Logan
Was her naaa-aaa-aaame.

(Boyscouts are kinda known for altering kids songs and folk songs into a somewhat less kind-spirited direction. Sometimes even adding some childish sexual inuendos in certain cases, there are a lot of younger teens in the boyscouts after all.)
 
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