Feedback for synopsis

[Ai-chan]

Can you guys have a look and tell Ai-chan your impression of this synopsis? If you have suggestions, Ai-chan would love to hear it.

Title: Daddy's Offensive Advance

Synopsis:

For Kylan Forsyth, his future is almost set in stone. Having spent his entire life in the Terran Spacefleet, he thought he would spend his old age alone and wretched. This thought made him assertive and fearless, eagerly rushing into battle, any battle, that his ship could reach before the battle would end. He didn’t want to die a lonely old man, he wanted to die a hero.

His ‘selfless’ courage and feats caught the eyes of the leadership, and having received accolades after accolades, he was given command of the 6th Mobile Fleet. With it came the crew and talents who, just like him, were eager to bring the fight to the enemies of the Terran Federation. The fleet, known as The Blood-covered Eagle.

On the eve of the attack on Rhomdala System, he received a communication from someone in his past that turned his world upside down. He was in fact, not alone. He will not die alone. But he would die alone, if he could not save the only daughter he didn’t know he had, trapped behind enemy lines.

And so, The Blood-covered Eagle and its seven battleships, thirteen battlecarriers and over one hundred destroyers eagerly advanced deep into enemy space.

For humanity, for honour, and for his one and only daughter.

 

[melchi]

1.) The second sentence is a comma splice (reee) also the last sentence in the first paragraph.

2.) "There is no other future" is kinda vague for the first line of a synopsis.
For the first line I want to know what the author's promise for the story is.

3.) In general the run on sentence make it hard for me to read.

Perhaps start with the 3rd paragraph?


Kylan Forsyth received a communication from a past acquaintance. The only daughter he didn’t know he had was trapped behind enemy lines.

The Blood-covered Eagle fleet advanced deep into enemy space.
For humanity, for honor, for daughter.

(Having lists separated by commons works best if they have the same word count)

 

[LilRora]

I say it's a nice synopsis. It's a little not in the style of one, at least comparing to what I read on Scribble and RR, but it's not a bad thing at all.

If there is anything I've qualms about, it's the tenses. You use present tense at the very beginning and once in the third paragraph. I think it's because you want to write in literary past tense? But then you probably shouldn't use past tense in the last paragraph. Maybe it's just my non-native ass being confused about English, but it doesn't feel right to me as is.

Also, not as much suggestion as making sure. The battlecarrier. I have no idea what you had in mind naming it, but traditionally you don't have carriers in space like you have on the sea; the spaceships usually have weight class that doesn't differentiate between types, and one can be named a carrier as a model designation.

 

[proxybaba]

it sounds like a summary rather than a synopsis, try this,

Get ready for a hero's journey like no other! Kylan Forsyth spent his life in the Terran Spacefleet, ready to die a hero rather than grow old and lonely. His fearless spirit and selfless courage earned him command of the 6th Mobile Fleet - The Blood-covered Eagle, with a crew as eager for battle as he is.
But just when he thought he was alone in the universe, Kylan's past comes back to haunt him. He discovers he has a daughter trapped behind enemy lines, and he'll stop at nothing to save her. With The Blood-covered Eagle and its mighty fleet of seven battleships, thirteen battle carriers, and over one hundred destroyers, they charge deep into enemy space, fighting for humanity, honour, and Kylan's one and only daughter. Buckle up, it's going to be one epic ride!

 

[Ai-chan]

1.) The second sentence is a comma splice (reee) also the last sentence in the first paragraph.

2.) "There is no other future" is kinda vague for the first line of a synopsis.
For the first line I want to know what the author's promise for the story is.

3.) In general the run on sentence make it hard for me to read.

Perhaps start with the 3rd paragraph?


Kylan Forsyth received a communication from a past acquaintance. The only daughter he didn’t know he had was trapped behind enemy lines.

The Blood-covered Eagle fleet advanced deep into enemy space.
For humanity, for honor, for daughter.

(Having lists separated by commons works best if they have the same word count)

Thanks for the feedback. Ai-chan reduced the commas and changed the first sentence. 3rd paragraph cannot be the starting paragraph, it's a contradiction to the premise in the first sentence. Ai-chan will try to see if the last paragraph will work as you suggested.

For Kylan Forsyth, his future is almost set in stone. Having spent his entire life in the Terran Spacefleet, he thought he would spend his old age alone and wretched. This thought made him assertive and fearless, eagerly rushing into battle, any battle, that his ship could reach before the battle would end. He didn’t want to die a lonely old man, he wanted to die a hero.

His ‘selfless’ courage and feats caught the eyes of the leadership, and having received accolades after accolades, he was given command of the 6th Mobile Fleet. With it came the crew and talents who, just like him, were eager to bring the fight to the enemies of the Terran Federation. The fleet, known as The Blood-covered Eagle.

On the eve of the attack on Rhomdala System, he received a communication from someone in his past, turning his world upside down. He is in fact, not alone. He will not die alone. But he would die alone, if he could not save the only daughter he didn’t know he had, trapped behind enemy lines.

And so, The Blood-covered Eagle and its seven battleships, thirteen battlecarriers and over one hundred destroyers eagerly advanced deep into enemy space.

For humanity, for honour, and for his one and only daughter.

I say it's a nice synopsis. It's a little not in the style of one, at least comparing to what I read on Scribble and RR, but it's not a bad thing at all.

If there is anything I've qualms about, it's the tenses. You use present tense at the very beginning and once in the third paragraph. I think it's because you want to write in literary past tense? But then you probably shouldn't use past tense in the last paragraph. Maybe it's just my non-native ass being confused about English, but it doesn't feel right to me as is.

Also, not as much suggestion as making sure. The battlecarrier. I have no idea what you had in mind naming it, but traditionally you don't have carriers in space like you have on the sea; the spaceships usually have weight class that doesn't differentiate between types, and one can be named a carrier as a model designation.

Thank you for your kind words.

The battlecarrier is not the name, but a type of capital ships. Where the battleship is basically cannons and armour galore, the battlecarrier is a more fragile capital ship that carry a dizzying amount of fighters, bombers, multipurpose corvettes and has repair facilities. Think of the battle carrier as a battlestar from the Battlestar Galactica series or a much larger Tau'ri battlecruises (Prometheus and Daedalus classes) from Stargate. Difference is, it can't survice a slugfight with most other battleships.

it sounds like a summary rather than a synopsis, try this,

Get ready for a hero's journey like no other! Kylan Forsyth spent his life in the Terran Spacefleet, ready to die a hero rather than grow old and lonely. His fearless spirit and selfless courage earned him command of the 6th Mobile Fleet - The Blood-covered Eagle, with a crew as eager for battle as he is.
But just when he thought he was alone in the universe, Kylan's past comes back to haunt him. He discovers he has a daughter trapped behind enemy lines, and he'll stop at nothing to save her. With The Blood-covered Eagle and its mighty fleet of seven battleships, thirteen battle carriers, and over one hundred destroyers, they charge deep into enemy space, fighting for humanity, honour, and Kylan's one and only daughter. Buckle up, it's going to be one epic ride!

Thanks for the suggestion, but that sounds like a young adults novel. This book is not meant to be a young adults book. People will die, in droves, ships will be destroyed and in the end, Kylan will lose so much and betrayed so horribly, that this would be his last command. It is meant to be a mature read.

 

[K5Rakitan]

The title leads me to expect some kinky nonconsent, but the synopsis does not sound smutty at all, so you might want to put more thought into the title.

 

[Ai-chan]

The title leads me to expect some kinky nonconsent, but the synopsis does not sound smutty at all, so you might want to put more thought into the title.

Ahaha, the title is intentional. There is a twist there. Predictable, probably. But it would be enough to make Kylan give up on humanity.

 

[greyblob]

lengthy with unnecessary info. i like that each paragraph serves a purpose. though the names of the fleets, countries, characters are unnecessary. the tenses are messy. and some sentences are complex/don't flow correctly. and like proxy said: this reads like a summary not a synopsis.