Feedback Needed!

[Anone_Lionheart]

I posted a similar message already, and so far have gotten really great advice about the direction to take my story. Especially with how I want it to grow, but be that as it may I'd really like some help with analyzing my writing and my characters and the story as a whole. I'm hoping that I'm not (for lack of a better term) fucking up! I'd really appreciate the help thanks!

The Nexus Point Chronicles

My name's Samson, and I'm a Soldier For The Terran Coalition. Before War became my future, before it became all of our futures, earth was a peaceful place... Well not really but we did our best with what we were given. And then the elven Gods of another universe decided...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Number your chapters, so its easier for readers to know which chapter they left off or to start reading on.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Number your chapters, so its easier for readers to know which chapter they left off or to start reading on.

I agree with Sensei, I got lost just looking at it for a moment.

I posted a similar message already, and so far have gotten really great advice about the direction to take my story. Especially with how I want it to grow, but be that as it may I'd really like some help with analyzing my writing and my characters and the story as a whole. I'm hoping that I'm not (for lack of a better term) fucking up! I'd really appreciate the help thanks!

The Nexus Point Chronicles

My name's Samson, and I'm a Soldier For The Terran Coalition. Before War became my future, before it became all of our futures, earth was a peaceful place... Well not really but we did our best with what we were given. And then the elven Gods of another universe decided...

www.scribblehub.com

I can see a few tense issues in chapter 1. Like you change between past and present between sentences. I am not 100% on grammar but I think you should try to stick to one. And if they are personal thoughts, maybe do something to distinct them. I learned that myself recently.
'I am the best'
or
I am the best
or
'I am the best'
Makes it clearer to the reader too.
These are just ideas.~

 

[Snusmumriken]

The premise of the story from the first chapter looks decent. The most glaring issue is the prologue part of the chapter. A lot of what is described there was also mentioned elsewhere in the chapter (parents death for example) moreover the start is extremely weak compared to the rest of the chapter - you start off from a very common so-called "edgy protagonist background" which bears almost no influence onto the rest of the chapter.

You could have easily started from the abrupt call out and the story still would have made sense. Maybe move some parts from the prologue into the chapter proper in case some things weren't references in proper detail as much.

you have a few mistakes here and there (She was fierce and the elves took them out in a targeted strike, sacrificing an entire. Bbattalion just to make sure she perished.) here is one from the end for example.

Other than that there was a headscratcher about Islam and Christian God since they are technically one and the same.

 

[Anone_Lionheart]

I agree with Sensei, I got lost just looking at it for a moment.

I can see a few tense issues in chapter 1. Like you change between past and present between sentences. I am not 100% on grammar but I think you should try to stick to one. And if they are personal thoughts, maybe do something to distinct them. I learned that myself recently.
'I am the best'
or
I am the best
or
'I am the best'
Makes it clearer to the reader too.
These are just ideas.~

Thanks so much, I've been having problems with that. I'll try to be more conscious about it.

The premise of the story from the first chapter looks decent. The most glaring issue is the prologue part of the chapter. A lot of what is described there was also mentioned elsewhere in the chapter (parents death for example) moreover the start is extremely weak compared to the rest of the chapter - you start off from a very common so-called "edgy protagonist background" which bears almost no influence onto the rest of the chapter.

You could have easily started from the abrupt call out and the story still would have made sense. Maybe move some parts from the prologue into the chapter proper in case some things weren't references in proper detail as much.

you have a few mistakes here and there (She was fierce and the elves took them out in a targeted strike, sacrificing an entire. Bbattalion just to make sure she perished.) here is one from the end for example.

Other than that there was a headscratcher about Islam and Christian God since they are technically one and the same.

Thanks so much for the advice, as for the God issue. I think it's just a matter of belief. Don't want to cause any sort of religious scandal, so let's just pretend they're two seperate entities