Feedback on the PLUTO team newest novel 'Hidden Artefact'.

pluto_novels

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Our newest novel, 'Hidden Artefact' is released and I want some authors to give me some feedback on the novel.
I do wish you be truthful in your response, :)

 

blacknight

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I'm curious when you say 'we' do you collaborate with someone? I enjoyed your first chapter!
 
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pluto_novels

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I'm curious when you say 'we' do you collaborate with someone? I enjoyed your first chapter!
Pluto is actually a team of friends trying to create a story. Although at times it is tedious with so many ideas from different minds when we do have a certain a story (e.g. Hidden Artefact) we perform to the best of our abilities and are given certain jobs.
 

ZQSpark

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Cool. Great opening. Simple yet captivating hook and the plot gets straight to the point as promised in the description.

My one problem is that the vocabulary feels dull. A minor complaint when compared to the storytelling itself.

Now, I wouldn't know what it's like to work with a TEAM to create a novel, but it sounds like a lot of bickering over whether or not to use a comma here or there. Hyperbole, I know, but I'd imagine the writing pace is slow enough that the 'flow' of the writing is disrupted after every paragraph. Even with a team of minds behind it, you forget how a reader might interpret a section of the prose when they come upon the (mostly) completed draft where they're scanning whole lines in under a second.

If I'm not making much sense, I'm trying to say that there are some parts of the first chapter where I can practically see what was going on in your minds as you were writing, but that wouldn't be such a bad thing if it was always cohesive and enriching. Be careful when working with a team on a typically solitary activity.

There are my two cents. I can't say much about a plot that hasn't unfolded yet, but I added you to my Reading List. The problem I mentioned above is easily fixed with practice.
 

Devils.Advocate

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Pluto is actually a team of friends trying to create a story.
Just curious.

is team pluto a team of 5?

or a team of 3?
 

strayCat0

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I'm wondering, do all of you only gather ideas and let one person to write it or are you guys taking turn to write?
 

pluto_novels

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PLUTO is a team of 5, and this is how we operate.
I, (ryder_pluto) write the novel and my friend hokori_pluto helps develop the ideas whilst we discuss.
We have poseidon_pluto who works as the main editor, with igor_pluto being our guy who tells us what views we get.
eddiesekai_pluto works as the drawer of the team, and with hokori_pluto helping out also.
In general, the story is mainly based from both me and hokori's ideas, with the others helping out with bits.

Its confusing but thats how we operate pretty much
 

Wintertime

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Your first chapter has a good hook, and it's paced pretty well. Some problems are writing, which doesn't seem very refined. That could be fixed with just time and writing experience, but other than that the novel is good. I also recommend spending a few extra lines on worldbuilding.

For example:
'To start a normal life huh'.

He does not know how to have a normal life, but from countless cultures from different countries, he remembered something he wanted to start if he retired.

‘Let’s open a coffee shop…’

A coffee shop is a place where many individuals come and drink a cup of coffee without outside distractions nor noise. It’s a peaceful hub for those who want to remove their mind from the outside world.

This is what Sky Yun believes a coffee shop is.

Instead of explaining what a coffee shop is, we can rephrase the sentence to incorporate as to why he wants to open the coffee shop, along with some actions he takes to get to this idea, instead of it appearing abruptly. We can also refer to previous experiences and the inside thoughts of the main character, giving him more character.

My Example:
'To start a normal life, huh'.

Sky Yun didn't know the experience of a normal life, his career was anything but that. His thoughts wandered, and he could only muster a heavy sigh as he promptly slipped out of bed and peered through a nearby window. He observed the bustling streets and the moving blur of people in Shanghai. The old man's words really stuck to him.

‘Let’s open a coffee shop…’

A coffee shop was always his dream; a place where many individuals come and drink a cup of coffee without any outside distractions nor noise. It’s a peaceful hub for those who want to remove their mind from the outside world, something that appealed to Sky Yun dearly.

Maybe when he retired from all of this, he can start one up one day.

This incorporates a lot of the things that tie into good writing.

Since he is laying on his bed with red eyes, it wouldn't be plausible for him to think about the countless cultures from different countries at that moment. To remedy this, we have him get out of bed and peer through his hotel window. Instead of thinking about the culture from his bed, he sees the shifting landscape of people right before his eyes, enforcing the idea that he is lost in thought and thinking about the culture.

In the second paragraph, instead of saying "A coffee shop is", we can change that to "A coffee shop was always his dream". The purpose is the same; we still explain briefly what a coffee shop is afterward, but we tie it to the ambitions of our main character more.

Also, avoid saying "This is what Sky Yun believes a coffee shop is." You can say stuff like this in very specific situations, but only when you've established clear direction and goal beforehand. To remedy this, I say "It’s a peaceful hub for those who want to remove their mind from the outside world, something that appealed to Sky Yun dearly." Sound's a bit more refined.

Now, ending off a monologue is key to provide your readers with a feeling. With the sentence, "This is what Sky Yun believes a coffee shop is." it undercuts the emotional value prior with the talk with the old man. We want the ending sentence to be bittersweet and appeal to the viewers. People don't care about what Sky Yun percieves a coffee shop to be as, but they can relate to the feeling of bittersweetness. The feeling of wanting to lead a different life than the one they already had but being unable to do so.

"Maybe when he retired from all of this, he can start one up one day."

This sentence ends off the paragraph nicely and can set up a cool ending moment where after everything, maybe he eventually does set up a coffee shop. Because you've made this moment memorable at the beginning of the novel, people will look back and also feel happy for the main character. This is an example of character development.

Remember: Show emotions, Tell feelings.

Hope that helps! :blob_evil_two:
 
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pluto_novels

New member
Joined
Feb 5, 2019
Messages
14
Points
3
Your first chapter has a good hook, and it's paced pretty well. Some problems are writing, which doesn't seem very refined. That could be fixed with just time and writing experience, but other than that the novel is good. I also recommend spending a few extra lines on worldbuilding.

For example:
'To start a normal life huh'.

He does not know how to have a normal life, but from countless cultures from different countries, he remembered something he wanted to start if he retired.

‘Let’s open a coffee shop…’

A coffee shop is a place where many individuals come and drink a cup of coffee without outside distractions nor noise. It’s a peaceful hub for those who want to remove their mind from the outside world.

This is what Sky Yun believes a coffee shop is.

Instead of explaining what a coffee shop is, we can rephrase the sentence to incorporate as to why he wants to open the coffee shop, along with some actions he takes to get to this idea, instead of it appearing abruptly. We can also refer to previous experiences and the inside thoughts of the main character, giving him more character.

My Example:
'To start a normal life, huh'.

Sky Yun didn't know the experience of a normal life, his career was anything but that. His thoughts wandered, and he could only muster a heavy sigh as he promptly slipped out of bed and peered through a nearby window. He observed the bustling streets and the moving blur of people in Shanghai. The old man's words really stuck to him.

‘Let’s open a coffee shop…’

A coffee shop was always his dream; a place where many individuals come and drink a cup of coffee without any outside distractions nor noise. It’s a peaceful hub for those who want to remove their mind from the outside world, something that appealed to Sky Yun dearly.

Maybe when he retired from all of this, he can start one up one day.

This incorporates a lot of the things that tie into good writing.

Since he is laying on his bed with red eyes, it wouldn't be plausible for him to think about the countless cultures from different countries at that moment. To remedy this, we have him get out of bed and peer through his hotel window. Instead of thinking about the culture from his bed, he sees the shifting landscape of people right before his eyes, enforcing the idea that he is lost in thought and thinking about the culture.

In the second paragraph, instead of saying "A coffee shop is", we can change that to "A coffee shop was always his dream". The purpose is the same; we still explain briefly what a coffee shop is afterward, but we tie it to the ambitions of our main character more.

Also, avoid saying "This is what Sky Yun believes a coffee shop is." You can say stuff like this in very specific situations, but only when you've established clear direction and goal beforehand. To remedy this, I say "It’s a peaceful hub for those who want to remove their mind from the outside world, something that appealed to Sky Yun dearly." Sound's a bit more refined.

Now, ending off a monologue is key to provide your readers with a feeling. With the sentence, "This is what Sky Yun believes a coffee shop is." it undercuts the emotional value prior with the talk with the old man. We want the ending sentence to be bittersweet and appeal to the viewers. People don't care about what Sky Yun percieves a coffee shop to be as, but they can relate to the feeling of bittersweetness. The feeling of wanting to lead a different life than the one they already had but being unable to do so.

"Maybe when he retired from all of this, he can start one up one day."

This sentence ends off the paragraph nicely and can set up a cool ending moment where after everything, maybe he eventually does set up a coffee shop. Because you've made this moment memorable at the beginning of the novel, people will look back and also feel happy for the main character. This is an example of character development.

Remember: Show emotions, Tell feelings.

Hope that helps! :blob_evil_two:
honestly, the best help we could get. This helps us advance our writing to a more better level and its all thanks to you. Seriously i bow my head down
 
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