Feedback -Quality/Grammar/Plot/Anything

featherrain

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Aug 23, 2019
Messages
2
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Since nobody else is replying... let me give it a shot.

The first section is basically incomprehensible:
"But how it started?" -> "How did it begin?"
"Before the foundation of this organization, the power was separated." What power? Separated from what?
"Dealings and tradings for the ones who could bargain." No idea what you meant by this.
"Ascension with assets, not much different of what the Rings represent today." Does ascension refer to dying? Gaining power? Making money?
"But at that time, the agreements could be not respected." -> "But at that time, agreements are easily broken."
"The government? That can be corrupted?" -> "The corrupt government?"
"That could not even exist?" Why couldn't a government exist? Did you mean "doesn't"? Why doesn't it exist? Every country has some sort of government.

It's good to make the reader ask questions at first since it draws them in, but this is too much confusion.

Couple of other thoughts:
  • Naming the organization "The Seven Rings" reminds me of The Lord of the Rings.
  • Chapter 0 is too long given how impersonal it is, fixing either issue works. Reading about a nameless character with no identifying traits is boring.
  • Why did the creditor kill the girl he was after? I assume he was after her for her body, not because he has a grudge.
  • How did the guy kill a whole bunch of people "with his bare hands"? People usually fight back. With weapons.
  • Why did no one go after him for revenge after he killed so many?
  • Chapter 1 is a lot better and I can understand what's going on. People also have names, yay!
  • Explaining how the MC met his friends interrupts the flow.
  • Based on chapter 0, it seems like this would be a dystopian world, but in chapter 1 there are people going to parties. Was there a time-skip? How did a working government and public education system develop?
  • Despite its flaws, chapter 0 is more interesting. Vince is just an ordinary guy, whose ordinary life is quite boring. I assume he encounters the secret organization at some point, but I skimmed through chapter 2, 3 and 4 and it's still all about his ordinary life.
Anyhow, those are my thoughts. If you think it's too critical, feel free to ignore. I'm just a random guy on the internet.
 

GigaBigaBear

Active member
Joined
Aug 14, 2019
Messages
6
Points
43
Since nobody else is replying... let me give it a shot.

The first section is basically incomprehensible:
"But how it started?" -> "How did it begin?"
"Before the foundation of this organization, the power was separated." What power? Separated from what?
"Dealings and tradings for the ones who could bargain." No idea what you meant by this.
"Ascension with assets, not much different of what the Rings represent today." Does ascension refer to dying? Gaining power? Making money?
"But at that time, the agreements could be not respected." -> "But at that time, agreements are easily broken."
"The government? That can be corrupted?" -> "The corrupt government?"
"That could not even exist?" Why couldn't a government exist? Did you mean "doesn't"? Why doesn't it exist? Every country has some sort of government.

It's good to make the reader ask questions at first since it draws them in, but this is too much confusion.

Couple of other thoughts:
  • Naming the organization "The Seven Rings" reminds me of The Lord of the Rings.
  • Chapter 0 is too long given how impersonal it is, fixing either issue works. Reading about a nameless character with no identifying traits is boring.
  • Why did the creditor kill the girl he was after? I assume he was after her for her body, not because he has a grudge.
  • How did the guy kill a whole bunch of people "with his bare hands"? People usually fight back. With weapons.
  • Why did no one go after him for revenge after he killed so many?
  • Chapter 1 is a lot better and I can understand what's going on. People also have names, yay!
  • Explaining how the MC met his friends interrupts the flow.
  • Based on chapter 0, it seems like this would be a dystopian world, but in chapter 1 there are people going to parties. Was there a time-skip? How did a working government and public education system develop?
  • Despite its flaws, chapter 0 is more interesting. Vince is just an ordinary guy, whose ordinary life is quite boring. I assume he encounters the secret organization at some point, but I skimmed through chapter 2, 3 and 4 and it's still all about his ordinary life.
Anyhow, those are my thoughts. If you think it's too critical, feel free to ignore. I'm just a random guy on the internet.
Thanks for replying.
I'll try use some retcons and editing to make the story clearer.
I tried do 0 as some kind of introduction to concepts; some kind of prologue, almost unrelated to the story, connecting things to make more sense along the way.
There's a few answers to others questions (I'll abbreviate as worldbuilding problems, but I know that's not the only problem) in later chapters, but I see how the problem persists; I realize that the story is too slow paced, and I'll try improve the idea with some changes.
Again, thank you for giving feedback.
 
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