Feedback + suggestions (Closed)

[Mysticant]

Hmm, let me ask for a favor then. I have long given up on improving my opening since I am trying for something. Well, I just want some input on my fight from chapters 39-46. I would like some input on maybe how I could have made it more interesting perhaps.

 

[Zirrboy]

Next up is @EternalSunset0 's "Rise of the Shield Edgelord"
I went a bit far in some areas and idk where you draw the line between rewrite and simple straightening, but here you go.

General​

After reading the first volume, I am very much inclined to agree with your self-evaluation. Your story does very much feel similar to the anime back then, as far as supernatural harem is concerned. Too much so, perhaps. Fitting both the ode to your favorite works and a total game changer into a single story would be insanely difficult, but even smaller twists remain missed.

The shield is a prime example. Within the genre at least, it was original, but its defining element, defense over offense and thus necessity of teamwork, got sacrificed for the "power of emotions" idea taken from your references.
Telling you that your characters feel mostly like tropes probably just reaffirms your own opinion of the topic and you asked me for suggestions on that specifically, so I'll try what I can do, but keep in mind that the more you adhere to my offers, the less it will me your twists.
I have no idea where you are planning to go with them however, so I might be off by a long shot.

Characters​

Kazuki Arata's originality as of now would be that he doesn't really have one. He had his own downfall and resulting seclusion, but the cause is a mundane one. No secret bloodline or locked memory busyness (yet?). There's also the otaku/gamer immersion aspect, but without developments that go against established tropes, I feel that his commentary is wasted most of the time.
He changes a bit too quickly imo. Entering the Mu as Mr. "Behold the fields on which i grow my fucks", he leaves as the principled and meddlesome MC, memory wipe or not.

Sayaka Uehara's trope is ice cube. Outwardly controlled and distant, those characters reveal a painful past or a girlish side once approached, often both. Since the design already includes subversion, it's kind of hard to add much while keeping the core idea. Perhaps work in the manga thing and make her a closet otaku? A bit of a stretch, but what better fantasy than the popular girl being into the same degenerated shit you are?
She'd try to hide it, but sometimes blow her cover due to involuntary reactions (giggle at a reference etc) (And I don't have to witness the making of yet another plushy lover ice queen)

Miki Amagi, as of now, appears to be the most well done character. It's clear to the reader that she's into Arata bc that's what they expect, but him not noticing feels justified as well with how she organically fits in between the MC and comedic relief. Certainly an engaging expansion to the gentle/popular/crushing tropes of childhood friends.
I'd expect her to be disinterested in manga/games herself, but do superficial research to follow conversations with Arata, so perhaps occasional slip ups? That'd be just a side aspect, though, nothing major.

Dr. Shin Kagami falls a bit short for the first villain imo. This might just be personal taste, but the immortality/advance of human race motivation has been a bit overused; the same holds true for the protagonists' take on the topics.
The novels you named as references stress/sell carving one's own path, whereas this argument is handled so one-sidedly that I don't really feel like I'm given a choice regarding what I should think. Later adding the fact that this goal entails ruthless selection does not only reinforce this, but also kind of contradicts with his motivations. A man who grieved for every life he failed to save should suddenly turn into a coldhearted utilitarian?
A possible rework regarding this issue (going solely off of VOL1) would be changing the target of his drive to children/future generations. A child died under his care, perhaps his own, but a patient should do as well, leading him down a path where he considers any sacrifice of the living excusable so long as they leave a better world for those to come.

Plot​

As far as pacing goes, the first volume rushes through the supernatural part of the story. You have the "fateful encounter", saving Amagi and next up is the final battle. Don't get me wrong, an unexpected challenge causing the two to grow closer certainly is a good way to end the book, but already having them face off against the culprit behind the disappearings only to pull the villain escape to preserve the character feels sub optimal to me.
Perhaps two B-Class in quick succession? Up to you and whatever plot restrictions you have from the second volume.
(This perhaps is an issue stemming from the fact that you orient yourself with the help of anime, which by design have quicker advancement than novels. If you can give the MC and plot development a few more stops in between, it'd help a lot imo, even if they were to be cut in a hypothetical anime)

The daily life part has no pacing issues from my perspective.

What remains is character motivation. The MC just having to return Uehara's card ASAP, even to the point of borderline stalking feels almost comedic, but him not passing his interview to his sister is just a bit of a stretch. Best fix would be him trying to give it to her beforehand, which she rejects, but I can't really find another solution.

I don't understand Uehara projecting her brother onto him however. From what I remember, he appeared to be a "strong until he wasn't" kind of person and as his sister, she should have never received most of the cold front.
Both of which she experiences in reverse with the MC, so while plausible in hindsight, she slips into this rather readily.


Hope that helps you in any way.

 

[EternalSunset0]

Next up is @EternalSunset0 's "Rise of the Shield Edgelord"
I went a bit far in some areas and idk where you draw the line between rewrite and simple straightening, but here you go.

General​

After reading the first volume, I am very much inclined to agree with your self-evaluation. Your story does very much feel similar to the anime back then, as far as supernatural harem is concerned. Too much so, perhaps. Fitting both the ode to your favorite works and a total game changer into a single story would be insanely difficult, but even smaller twists remain missed.

The shield is a prime example. Within the genre at least, it was original, but its defining element, defense over offense and thus necessity of teamwork, got sacrificed for the "power of emotions" idea taken from your references.
Telling you that your characters feel mostly like tropes probably just reaffirms your own opinion of the topic and you asked me for suggestions on that specifically, so I'll try what I can do, but keep in mind that the more you adhere to my offers, the less it will me your twists.
I have no idea where you are planning to go with them however, so I might be off by a long shot.

Characters​

Kazuki Arata's originality as of now would be that he doesn't really have one. He had his own downfall and resulting seclusion, but the cause is a mundane one. No secret bloodline or locked memory busyness (yet?). There's also the otaku/gamer immersion aspect, but without developments that go against established tropes, I feel that his commentary is wasted most of the time.
He changes a bit too quickly imo. Entering the Mu as Mr. "Behold the fields on which i grow my fucks", he leaves as the principled and meddlesome MC, memory wipe or not.

Sayaka Uehara's trope is ice cube. Outwardly controlled and distant, those characters reveal a painful past or a girlish side once approached, often both. Since the design already includes subversion, it's kind of hard to add much while keeping the core idea. Perhaps work in the manga thing and make her a closet otaku? A bit of a stretch, but what better fantasy than the popular girl being into the same degenerated shit you are?
She'd try to hide it, but sometimes blow her cover due to involuntary reactions (giggle at a reference etc) (And I don't have to witness the making of yet another plushy lover ice queen)

Miki Amagi, as of now, appears to be the most well done character. It's clear to the reader that she's into Arata bc that's what they expect, but him not noticing feels justified as well with how she organically fits in between the MC and comedic relief. Certainly an engaging expansion to the gentle/popular/crushing tropes of childhood friends.
I'd expect her to be disinterested in manga/games herself, but do superficial research to follow conversations with Arata, so perhaps occasional slip ups? That'd be just a side aspect, though, nothing major.

Dr. Shin Kagami falls a bit short for the first villain imo. This might just be personal taste, but the immortality/advance of human race motivation has been a bit overused; the same holds true for the protagonists' take on the topics.
The novels you named as references stress/sell carving one's own path, whereas this argument is handled so one-sidedly that I don't really feel like I'm given a choice regarding what I should think. Later adding the fact that this goal entails ruthless selection does not only reinforce this, but also kind of contradicts with his motivations. A man who grieved for every life he failed to save should suddenly turn into a coldhearted utilitarian?
A possible rework regarding this issue (going solely off of VOL1) would be changing the target of his drive to children/future generations. A child died under his care, perhaps his own, but a patient should do as well, leading him down a path where he considers any sacrifice of the living excusable so long as they leave a better world for those to come.

Plot​

As far as pacing goes, the first volume rushes through the supernatural part of the story. You have the "fateful encounter", saving Amagi and next up is the final battle. Don't get me wrong, an unexpected challenge causing the two to grow closer certainly is a good way to end the book, but already having them face off against the culprit behind the disappearings only to pull the villain escape to preserve the character feels sub optimal to me.
Perhaps two B-Class in quick succession? Up to you and whatever plot restrictions you have from the second volume.
(This perhaps is an issue stemming from the fact that you orient yourself with the help of anime, which by design have quicker advancement than novels. If you can give the MC and plot development a few more stops in between, it'd help a lot imo, even if they were to be cut in a hypothetical anime)

The daily life part has no pacing issues from my perspective.

What remains is character motivation. The MC just having to return Uehara's card ASAP, even to the point of borderline stalking feels almost comedic, but him not passing his interview to his sister is just a bit of a stretch. Best fix would be him trying to give it to her beforehand, which she rejects, but I can't really find another solution.

I don't understand Uehara projecting her brother onto him however. From what I remember, he appeared to be a "strong until he wasn't" kind of person and as his sister, she should have never received most of the cold front.
Both of which she experiences in reverse with the MC, so while plausible in hindsight, she slips into this rather readily.


Hope that helps you in any way.

I'm trying to take that all in, but I'm very thankful for your evaluations. You read the whole volume? Thanks a lot! I didn't expect you to finish everything.

As for the pacing, I think the "orienting myself on anime instead of novels" thing was true. I framed the volume into variois segments which I could mentally cut into "episodes" when writing them. In fact, I wrote the first volume with a "6-episode for good adaptation, 4-episode for slightly rushed" formula.

Kazuki's gimmick is actually there to justify the kinda harem. This is where the StB element comes in. For each girl that he meets and manages to "sync with" emotionally, his shield gets a new form. Kinda like the new familiar getting unlocked with every girl bitten there. Or maybe something like how Rikuo from Nurarihyon no Mago gets a new form for every new yokai who "entrusts his powers" to him.

I like your ideas for Uehara. What I did try to integrate here though is her surprising girlish side (as you mentioned) plus a sweet tooth. Almost all of her phone call scenes had her sipping some drink or licking candy of some sort, which continues on in the next volumes. Plus, her habit of impulse buying stuffed animals, although you mentioned it and you don't seem too fond of this one. I'm wondering if I can make her girlish side in other aspects more pronounced as a possible path too (to contrast with Amagi, who's into sports and is familiar with video games, more "boyish interests" traditionally)

She also gets to reveal more (I hope) rounded sides of her personality next volume as she's integrated into the main cast, like her cluelessness and anxiety in high-class social gatherings or her general snark.

And I thought making Kagami's motivations was genius hahahahaha. I know that motivation has been done a bit in anime, but not in the method of natural selection and not with the driving firce coming from a "supposedly good" motivation of wanting to save people. Or at least how his delusional mind thinks.

Also, I let him off the hook because he'll be a recurring villain as member of Shady Villain Organization™ that will be the recurring villain organization in the story.

Thanks for your suggestion on him. I think that does make more sense.

The brother plot... I'll see how I can iron it out. I planned to start it off with a physical resemblance, causing the save. Then, after the boss fight, she sees even more of him in Kazuki thanks to the headstrong and impulsive nature, further enhancing the projection. It's actually a key plot point in volume 5 (which I'm writing now) so hearing that kind of feedback is super useful.

Overall, thanks for helping me so much. I hope you enjoyed the story regardless even if it didn't seem to unique. As said in the Afterword, if I managed to create something that would fit right at home with those aforementioned shows, I'll be very satisfied.

After all, my evaluation seems to be generally spot on, and as long as I churn out one of those "2 cour, probably high 6s to mid-high 7s score in MAL, with a small but loyal fanbase, a number of lewds and merch of the girls" shows (you know the stereotype I think), I am all good.

Finally, if you have time or the mood to do it, you up to check the omake chapters in the next volumes? Every volume after the first has a pseudo-fourth wall breaking omake in the front where I throw in all the self-depreciating humor or the self-awareness jokes as well as give refreshers on the previous volumes. I'd like to know your thoughts on those.

 

[Zirrboy]

I'm trying to take that all in, but I'm very thankful for your evaluations. You read the whole volume? Thanks a lot! I didn't expect you to finish everything.

As for the pacing, I think the "orienting myself on anime instead of novels" thing was true. I framed the volume into variois segments which I could mentally cut into "episodes" when writing them. In fact, I wrote the first volume with a "6-episode for good adaptation, 4-episode for slightly rushed" formula.

Kazuki's gimmick is actually there to justify the kinda harem. This is where the StB element comes in. For each girl that he meets and manages to "sync with" emotionally, his shield gets a new form. Kinda like the new familiar getting unlocked with every girl bitten there. Or maybe something like how Rikuo from Nurarihyon no Mago gets a new form for every new yokai who "entrusts his powers" to him.

I like your ideas for Uehara. What I did try to integrate here though is her surprising girlish side (as you mentioned) plus a sweet tooth. Almost all of her phone call scenes had her sipping some drink or licking candy of some sort, which continues on in the next volumes. Plus, her habit of impulse buying stuffed animals, although you mentioned it and you don't seem too fond of this one. I'm wondering if I can make her girlish side in other aspects more pronounced as a possible path too (to contrast with Amagi, who's into sports and is familiar with video games, more "boyish interests" traditionally)

She also gets to reveal more (I hope) rounded sides of her personality next volume as she's integrated into the main cast, like her cluelessness and anxiety in high-class social gatherings or her general snark.

And I thought making Kagami's motivations was genius hahahahaha. I know that motivation has been done a bit in anime, but not in the method of natural selection and not with the driving firce coming from a "supposedly good" motivation of wanting to save people. Or at least how his delusional mind thinks.

Thanks for your suggestion on him. I think that does make more sense.

The brother plot... I'll see how I can iron it out. I planned to start it off with a physical resemblance, causing the save. Then, after the boss fight, she sees even more of him in Kazuki thanks to the headstrong and impulsive nature, further enhancing the projection. It's actually a key plot point in volume 5 (which I'm writing now) so hearing that kind of feedback is super useful.

Overall, thanks for helping me so much. I hope you enjoyed the story regardless even if it didn't seem to unique. As said in the Afterword, if I managed to create something that would fit right at home with those Date a Live/Strike the Blood/11Eyes/Shana type shows, I'll be very satisfied.

After all, my evaluation seems to be generally spot on, and as long as I churn out one of those "2 cour, probably 6.8-7.5 in MAL, with a small but loyal fanbase, a number of lewds and merch of the girls" shows (you know the stereotype I think), I am satisfied.

Just for future reference, I do by no means dislike your story. It was a fun read, and if I ever manage to work through all the reviews ahead, I'll likely give the other volumes a read on my own time. The rant about the doctor stemmed from a personal grudge towards the topic, but shouldn't make it out to be unreadable.

Lastly, if you are still intent on viewing your novel as a potential anime, I suggest you create more art for it. Anime rely on visuals. Give all the epic battles and lucky pervert moments the imagery they deserve and polish your drawing skills along the way!

 

[EternalSunset0]

Just for future reference, I do by no means dislike your story. It was a fun read, and if I ever manage to work through all the reviews ahead, I'll likely give the other volumes a read on my own time. The rant about the doctor stemmed from a personal grudge towards the topic, but shouldn't make it out to be unreadable.

Lastly, if you are still intent on viewing your novel as a potential anime, I suggest you create more art for it. Anime rely on visuals. Give all the epic battles and lucky pervert moments the imagery they deserve and polish your drawing skills along the way!

That's actually a reason why I've been working on my art skills (I have a thread in this forum). I like to practice my writing skills and all, but the way I see it, Fractal Plane actually works better as a manga or a JRPG. The former, I can try to work on while the latter is probably close to impossible given the workload needed.

Also, I forgot to also thank your impression on Kazuki. I never thought of the "teamwork" aspect that having a shield weapon entails. As shallow as it seems, I just gave it to him because I want something different from all the swords/magic casting that the protagonists have. I just gave the sword to Uehara because I'm not trying to avoid the "dark-haired aloof swordswoman" trope anyway and intend to just give her some quirks to set her a bit apart from the Akames and Kisaras of the anime world.

The main idea is to have a protagonist who's self-sufficient in offense and defense while very versatile yet not too strong in actual fighting abilities (at least compared to the lead heroine) In a way, this is where the DAL/StB things come in, or even FSN. Shido, Kojou, and Shirou would probably be trounced in direct combat against the Spirits, demons/Lion King girls, and Servants but make up for it with their very flexible abilities that keep growing and getting stronger/more powers the more dates and kisses, bites, tracing they do in the course of the story.

And no, the secret bloodline is not gonna be a thing. I don't want my protagonist to be /that/ much of a "chosen one" trope.

 

[Zirrboy]

I am not sure where my novel would stand on the monetization scheme, It is free and will remain free past its completion, but I might do so some serious editing in the future once it is done and turn it into a book. So take it as you will. I'll just be honest in advance and tell you I don't know what the future would bring.

If you do decide to take a look at it - I won't expect anything detailed but a nod toward weaker scenes that disrupt your personal readability would be great. Granted ofc that early chapters were, well, early.

Your novel has little to improve upon that I can tell, so do understand that my focus on the following flaws should reflect their overall low number, not their gravity.

One question, though. How old is the main character supposed to be? You mentioned androgenic vagueness, but even with malnutrition, that should only work up until a certain age imo.

Apart from that, here you have it.

At least the way I read your premise, the knowledge was supposed to be useful, but with application extremely limited by the world's nature. Initially crawling progress would speed up somewhat once he has established sufficient foundations.
In reality, however, everything falls into place rather conveniently for him. He leaves the farm as soon as he absorbs the nanities and despite his prospects being made out to be explicitly slim, he ends up in a relatively humane occupation with both application and willing supporters for his skills. A dozen chapters in and he already has the attention of the head of the manor.
You have the "Unreliable Narrator"-tag, so it might simply be his misconception, but for a society he makes out to be stagnant due to the long living leaders and slavery as fill in for workforce issues, the gears of progress swing into motion fairly quickly.

The idea of wishes granted in convoluted ways(title) also seems to suffer from this and doesn't persist past the first few chapters, after which his choleric and fearful nature shown in the beginning make way for a controlled, optimized tech speedrunner who doesn't take two steps without laying eyes on something he could improve.
Even the magic he wished for and did not obtain dropped from complete impossibility to challenging milestone unless new roadblocks appear.

Nanities grant knowledge that from my current perspective makes for now sensible whole. The gained information ranges from (pop-)culture references over entertainment to science. Initially, the MC mentions the lack of any visual information, yet compares the historian to posters irrc.
There is no mention of personal memory, yet he adapts speech and values, neither of which pass as impersonal knowledge imo.
I wanted to question your decision of applying the "Isekai" genre based on "fantasy world exploration" alone, but with the way he starts to act, I don't think there would be much separating him from a very adaptable transmigrator.
There is also the fact that he can reshape the bronze piece, but no material reworking is ever considered otherwise (Prison cell fe)
Very personally, I find this obscurity to be a bit disruptive in the otherwise science and logic focused story.

Matriarchy, imo, would bring along the same sexism that patriarchy does, but the MC, up until the point I read, rarely ended up receiving it. Irje even happily accepts his declaration of "ownership". Bias would of course not mean that every individual shares the sentiment, but I'd at least expect a certain base level of pride (She was straightforward and somewhat domineering at the start).

Do not get me wrong, I liked the story as it is.
Yet when stumbling upon it privately in a semi-recent raid for reading material, I put it down before even opening the first chapter, thinking that it was something completely different.

Spoiler: Some of the scenes I find relevant

As we were walking to my new place to live, I’ve realized something interesting. The ones, who bought us, were slaves as well! I shook my head ruefully, how many slaves were in this city? Is there actually free people living, or everyone was a slave of someone else. Living without realizing that the whole system was like a giant snake biting its own tail? Slavery this expansive would kill any innovation. Who would bother trying to automate anything if you can just buy a slave to work in perpetuity? Why would you invent more efficient designs if you never have to pay artisans? This place was stagnant. It might not look like a swamp, yet. But it would be. I don't know how soon, perhaps in few generations…

Ah.

It made a little more sense now. Yes, this place would most likely rot from within in a few wer generations. Which in years would mean centuries, or possibly millennia, depending on how long wermages lived. And I can bet my bread on the fact that they lived at least as long as wer.


I gently touched her elbow. “You are welcome, then. I am glad to have been of assistance and you could ask for it again, anytime.” Kindness was rare among the slaves, with everyone looking out for themselves. I didn’t want to contribute to that myself.


I had no words to refute that and nothing more to add so I watched her quietly as she wrote. Eventually, she was done with her task and quickly sealed her missive in a scroll.

“Here.” She passed it over to me. “Take this and head out to the Primary Kiymetl Manor”

Wait. This wasn’t the main one?


“Because we accelerate with the Tower, and yet my body does not perceive acceleration. Does it mean it is actually somehow locked in space and time? But then we would be flying west with enough speed to grind us to dust across the hills! And yet I feel the gravity. Does it mean it somehow selectively warps the world around us? Or does it mimic the pull of the earth instead?”


“You mean it?” She quietly whispered.

“Hmmm?” I hummed, my nose gently burrowed into her breast.

“That I am yours? Will you take care of me?” As her voice grew louder I could hear how broken it was.

I jerked upward, facing her, “Of course! What’s wrong?” my hands gently caressed her cheeks as I kissed her tears away.

She sniffed looking extremely fragile in my arms. Her hands grasping at me. “Promise me! That you won’t leave me.”

 

[Snusmumriken]

Your novel has little to improve upon that I can tell, so do understand that my focus on the following flaws should reflect their overall low number, not their gravity.

One question, though. How old is the main character supposed to be? You mentioned androgenic vagueness, but even with malnutrition, that should only work up until a certain age imo.

Apart from that, here you have it.

At least the way I read your premise, the knowledge was supposed to be useful, but with application extremely limited by the world's nature. Initially crawling progress would speed up somewhat once he has established sufficient foundations.
In reality, however, everything falls into place rather conveniently for him. He leaves the farm as soon as he absorbs the nanities and despite his prospects being made out to be explicitly slim, he ends up in a relatively humane occupation with both application and willing supporters for his skills. A dozen chapters in and he already has the attention of the head of the manor.
You have the "Unreliable Narrator"-tag, so it might simply be his misconception, but for a society he makes out to be stagnant due to the long living leaders and slavery as fill in for workforce issues, the gears of progress swing into motion fairly quickly.

The idea of wishes granted in convoluted ways(title) also seems to suffer from this and doesn't persist past the first few chapters, after which his choleric and fearful nature shown in the beginning make way for a controlled, optimized tech speedrunner who doesn't take two steps without laying eyes on something he could improve.
Even the magic he wished for and did not obtain dropped from complete impossibility to challenging milestone unless new roadblocks appear.

Nanities grant knowledge that from my current perspective makes for now sensible whole. The gained information ranges from (pop-)culture references over entertainment to science. Initially, the MC mentions the lack of any visual information, yet compares the historian to posters irrc.
There is no mention of personal memory, yet he adapts speech and values, neither of which pass as impersonal knowledge imo.
I wanted to question your decision of applying the "Isekai" genre based on "fantasy world exploration" alone, but with the way he starts to act, I don't think there would be much separating him from a very adaptable transmigrator.
There is also the fact that he can reshape the bronze piece, but no material reworking is ever considered otherwise (Prison cell fe)
Very personally, I find this obscurity to be a bit disruptive in the otherwise science and logic focused story.

Matriarchy, imo, would bring along the same sexism that patriarchy does, but the MC, up until the point I read, rarely end up receiving it. Irje even happily accepts his declaration of "ownership". Bias would of course not mean that every individual shares the sentiment, but I'd at least expect a certain base level of pride (She was straightforward and somewhat domineering at the start).

Do not get me wrong, I liked the story as it is.
Yet when stumbling upon it privately in a semi-recent raid for reading material, I put it down before even opening the first chapter, thinking that it was something completely different.

Spoiler: Some of the scenes I find relevant

As we were walking to my new place to live, I’ve realized something interesting. The ones, who bought us, were slaves as well! I shook my head ruefully, how many slaves were in this city? Is there actually free people living, or everyone was a slave of someone else. Living without realizing that the whole system was like a giant snake biting its own tail? Slavery this expansive would kill any innovation. Who would bother trying to automate anything if you can just buy a slave to work in perpetuity? Why would you invent more efficient designs if you never have to pay artisans? This place was stagnant. It might not look like a swamp, yet. But it would be. I don't know how soon, perhaps in few generations…

Ah.

It made a little more sense now. Yes, this place would most likely rot from within in a few wer generations. Which in years would mean centuries, or possibly millennia, depending on how long wermages lived. And I can bet my bread on the fact that they lived at least as long as wer.


I gently touched her elbow. “You are welcome, then. I am glad to have been of assistance and you could ask for it again, anytime.” Kindness was rare among the slaves, with everyone looking out for themselves. I didn’t want to contribute to that myself.


I had no words to refute that and nothing more to add so I watched her quietly as she wrote. Eventually, she was done with her task and quickly sealed her missive in a scroll.

“Here.” She passed it over to me. “Take this and head out to the Primary Kiymetl Manor”

Wait. This wasn’t the main one?


“Because we accelerate with the Tower, and yet my body does not perceive acceleration. Does it mean it is actually somehow locked in space and time? But then we would be flying west with enough speed to grind us to dust across the hills! And yet I feel the gravity. Does it mean it somehow selectively warps the world around us? Or does it mimic the pull of the earth instead?”


“You mean it?” She quietly whispered.

“Hmmm?” I hummed, my nose gently burrowed into her breast.

“That I am yours? Will you take care of me?” As her voice grew louder I could hear how broken it was.

I jerked upward, facing her, “Of course! What’s wrong?” my hands gently caressed her cheeks as I kissed her tears away.

She sniffed looking extremely fragile in my arms. Her hands grasping at me. “Promise me! That you won’t leave me.”

Thank you, the weaker scenes is exactly what I asked you about and you delivered flawlessly. They might not be "too bad" but it never hurts to make them better if I can.

If you are interested here are some light elaborations without outright spoiling the future plot.
Age ambiguity is intentional and mostly caused by his own perception of self. just as the lack of physical description so far. Physically he is definitely in the very late teen / young adult range at least in the bulk of the book.

A lot of the Tags are still not fully expressed while others are done in a different style just like "isekai" was. I tried to borrow heavily from the historical societies of the period I tried to describe, and they were surprisingly progressive despite being full slave societies and having a plethora of other ideologies that we would call barbaric nowadays.

But I would probably work on some parts, especially the ones that made it feel convenient simply by not explaining it better. (ie he was already sold from the farm by the time ch1 started and was already heading to the city by that point (a very desirable "promotion for a slave"). The bronze was a very specific skill that he does from time to time but it is very limited in the application (it is just an ability to sharpen the edge)

Same with Matriarchy - Irje is a non-issue because of her status. as the status of the parties climbs - the more prevalent the preference in gender becomes, which is again not something very obvious. This is a matriarchal society but it is not black and white about it either. Especially since there is another aspect that promotes occasional egalitarian values - magic.

 

[Zirrboy]

Same with Matriarchy - Irje is a non-issue because of her status. as the status of the parties climbs - the more prevalent the preference in gender becomes, which is again not something very obvious. This is a matriarchal society but it is not black and white about it either. Especially since there is another aspect that promotes occasional egalitarian values - magic.

I can't tell you how matriarchy should look in your book, but magic promotes equality while the magic-dominated upper class is more sexist?

Just a suggestion, but I'd say you're better off with personal differences on her part here (or just include slight rejections if that doesn't bother you)

 

[Snusmumriken]

I can't tell you how matriarchy should look in your book, but magic promotes equality while the magic-dominated upper class is more sexist?

Just a suggestion, but I'd say you're better off with personal differences on her part here (or just include slight rejections if that doesn't bother you)

on the contrary - magic is what generally promotes a slight gender bias toward females, rest is the social construct. But because the inherent bias is very slight (usually caused due to children not inherently personal power) the outliers can pop up.
The characters are constantly developing and it will get bumpier in the future, even with Irje, as she ascends the social ladder.

What do you mean by slight rejections?

 

[Zirrboy]

What do you mean by slight rejections?

Of Erf's increasingly dominant role. But if bias should be subtle, then never mind.

 

[Snusmumriken]

Of Erf's increasingly dominant role. But if bias should be subtle, then never mind.

Oh, that is definitely given. and will happen in the future. Thank you once again.

 

[Zirrboy]

Can you read mine?

Clara’s Journey - 1 – That Girl named Clara | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I have. The story seems to be only budding, though, so this will be a lot shorter than my other reviews.

Your synopsis led me to believe that you want to write a "heartwarming journey of a terminally ill girl" kind of story. And in part you have.
But most of the story so far is comedy. Clara's behavior switches back and forth between the aforementioned quiet little girl passed the worst hand by fate and a bratty teenager mostly intent on pulling pranks and getting a cheap laugh.

So adjust the tags/synopsis ig.

Apart from that, there are only two major issues I see. First would be excessive background story (like the origins of a city she ends up leaving with little delay), second is the fact that there is a necromancy book in a public library. Even if it only contains the more harmless spells that do not rely on corpses, would you really give people the basics for free and expect them to leave it at that?

 

[Zirrboy]

Hello! I'm a new writer and have been curious to know if I'm doing good so far, so I would very much appreciate some feedback!

Here's the story: H.I.V.E

Characters​

The hive is, as the books primary premise, quite well done. A sort of disembodied existence that is shrouded in mystery even to themselves, mixed with the occasional flash of human personality.
What I understand to be the hive's biggest current goal is finding out about their origins, but with no lead, they just follow the shining siblings. You yourself stated that they have no conscious reason for doing so, creating another mystery.

The shining siblings live up to what you promised, a competent, but battle hungry and hedonistic bunch fighting monsters. But this kind of group usually requires the protagonist to posses a strong goal of their own, a calling that they work towards among those "down to earth" people.

Plot​

Imo you are lacking a concrete hook for what you already have. You are only five chapters in, of course, but right now it feels as though you came up with the hive idea and just filled in the rest with whatever came to mind.

The shining siblings don't really have a goal I noticed at all, while the hive does posses one, but with no way to actively pursue it, the entire group drifts aimlessly between fighting and camping scenes.

Even the foreshadowing of monster cooperation appears kind of detached from them. Don't get me wrong, the foundation for interesting development is certainly there, but what you're lacking right now, from my perspective, is the reason to stay around until then.

Writing and Grammar​

This is just personal preference, but I find italicizing every pronoun to be a bit distracting. For the beginning, it's certainly good to bring the point across, but there is no real need for it beyond the introduction from my perspective.

Additionally, there are two usages of singular pronouns that I could not make sense of, so I'll point them out to you as potential errors, especially as they are not in italics.

Inside, we find 3 more orcs and I recognize the one we are hunting this time. He led the destruction of 8 villages. They burned, kill and profaned.
[...]
I nod.

Well, the good part of having no real face was that no one would be able to tell I’d have already heard everything.

Otherwise, I don't have to add much in this regard that I found notable.

Conclusion​

A unique and interesting premise that includes slow progression and self-discorvery, but as of now has to pull the weight of the entire story. Add some form of relationship between the hive and at least some of the siblings, a lead towards their past, anything, and you're good to go imo.

 

[FeverDream]

Characters​

The hive is, as the books primary premise, quite well done. A sort of disembodied existence that is shrouded in mystery even to themselves, mixed with the occasional flash of human personality.
What I understand to be the hive's biggest current goal is finding out about their origins, but with no lead, they just follow the shining siblings. You yourself stated that they have no conscious reason for doing so, creating another mystery.

The shining siblings live up to what you promised, a competent, but battle hungry and hedonistic bunch fighting monsters. But this kind of group usually requires the protagonist to posses a strong goal of their own, a calling that they work towards among those "down to earth" people.

Plot​

Imo you are lacking a concrete hook for what you already have. You are only five chapters in, of course, but right now it feels as though you came up with the hive idea and just filled in the rest with whatever came to mind.

The shining siblings don't really have a goal I noticed at all, while the hive does posses one, but with no way to actively pursue it, the entire group drifts aimlessly between fighting and camping scenes.

Even the foreshadowing of monster cooperation appears kind of detached from them. Don't get me wrong, the foundation for interesting development is certainly there, but what you're lacking right now, from my perspective, is the reason to stay around until then.

Writing and Grammar​

This is just personal preference, but I find italicizing every pronoun to be a bit distracting. For the beginning, it's certainly good to bring the point across, but there is no real need for it beyond the introduction from my perspective.

Additionally, there are two usages of singular pronouns that I could not make sense of, so I'll point them out to you as potential errors, especially as they are not in italics.




Otherwise, I don't have to add much in this regard that I found notable.

Conclusion​

A unique and interesting premise that includes slow progression and self-discorvery, but as of now has to pull the weight of the entire story. Add some form of relationship between the hive and at least some of the siblings, a lead towards their past, anything, and you're good to go imo.

Man, I really appreciate your feedback! It's nice seeing your conclusions, seeing how the things I write are getting to the mind of the readers.

You gave me really useful tips! It's true that for now, there isn't any plot to the story, only a interesting premise. My idea for now was to try to add, every chapter: some explanations of how the MC works and some of his backstory; some hints to the past of the members of the Shinning Siblings and their motivation (my idea was to write one-shots from their POV telling their backstory later on).

But the next chapters are gonna change that, I hope. In more or less two chapters, some important things will happen and the goal of the story will be clearer! It's also when the world building is gonna start to get bigger, slowly. Let's hope I can manage it well!

About the italicizing, I was doing it to distinguish when the MC says we to refer to himself, and when he says we to refer to the whole group. But yeah, I can see how that can be distracting.

And those are actually errors of my part! A thousand thanks for noticing it and telling me. I'll change them.

Again, I really really appreaciate your feedback. I hope you enjoy the things I do with the story, if you decide to keep reading it

 

[Gallas]

I have. The story seems to be only budding, though, so this will be a lot shorter than my other reviews.

Your synopsis led me to believe that you want to write a "heartwarming journey of a terminally ill girl" kind of story. And in part you have.
But most of the story so far is comedy. Clara's behavior switches back and forth between the aforementioned quiet little girl passed the worst hand by fate and a bratty teenager mostly intent on pulling pranks and getting a cheap laugh.

So adjust the tags/synopsis ig.

Apart from that, there are only two major issues I see. First would be an excessive background story (like the origins of a city she ends up leaving with little delay), second is the fact that there is a necromancy book in a public library. Even if it only contains the more harmless spells that do not rely on corpses, would you really give people the basics for free and expect them to leave it at that?

Thank you for your feedback. I will adjust the issues.

 

[Zirrboy]

Alright. While there are still not many queues. Here's my work. Thanks in advance!

Comedy is hard to review, as humor is personal and hardly teachable, so this is everything, even after wracking my brain for a day straight.

Synopsis/Tags vs. Content​

"A world without magic" it is indeed, but I feel like you are skipping over the, up until now, main point of your story: A bunch of guys out on a quest to get wives. Instead you have endless listings of medieval fantasy elements in excess. You use them in the story as well, so I'm guessing that's what you like, but please!
Cut all but the most important and mention the plot premise instead.

The fact that up until now many tags imo go unused might be worth a note. Especially romance and harem. I've read towards 30 chapter and skimmed over the rest, yet nothing of the sort.

Characters​

From what I remember, you have essentially three character types.

• Calm, planning (Unknown, Princess, Elf)
• Impulsive, emotional (Knight, the D-Rank)
• Meek (Merchants, peasant)

For all means of your comedy, this is sufficient, imo. None among the group feel like blatant copies, but I'd suggest making their differences a tad more apparent at times.

Plot​

It takes until chapter four (I think) for the main group and premise to be introduced. Before that, you deliver the exact same thing that the synopsis promised: World trivia dumps stuffed with lists and for the most part unrelated to anything of importance.

Some are even illogical in my eyes. No need for guards because you tell criminals to leave? Bandits thrive without access to public infrastructure elsewhere, too, so why not here?
Also, the widow. With so few women, wouldn't societal interest be in having them able to bear children as much as possible?

The MC even states that he feels like lore-dumping at some point. But if I apologized for hacking off your finger, grinning and raising my hatchet for the next, would you forgive me?

Other than that, you have pretty solid interactions, though. Goofy as they are, they never feel too forced in direction or resulting humor.

Writing and Grammar​

Your informal writing style actually works for what you are going for (once again: I think).
Just. Why. So. Many. Lists???
They disturb reading flow for me and rarely add anything of importance to the sentence.

 

[wildan1197_]

Comedy is hard to review, as humor is personal and hardly teachable, so this is everything, even after wracking my brain for a day straight.

Synopsis/Tags vs. Content​

"A world without magic" it is indeed, but I feel like you are skipping over the, up until now, main point of your story: A bunch of guys out on a quest to get wives. Instead you have endless listings of medieval fantasy elements in excess. You use them in the story as well, so I'm guessing that's what you like, but please!
Cut all but the most important and mention the plot premise instead.

The fact that up until now many tags imo go unused might be worth a note. Especially romance and harem. I've read towards 30 chapter and skimmed over the rest, yet nothing of the sort.

Characters​

From what I remember, you have essentially three character types.

• Calm, planning (Unknown, Princess, Elf)
• Impulsive, emotional (Knight, the D-Rank)
• Meek (Merchants, peasant)

For all means of your comedy, this is sufficient, imo. None among the group feel like blatant copies, but I'd suggest making their differences a tad more apparent at times.

Plot​

It takes until chapter four (I think) for the main group and premise to be introduced. Before that, you deliver the exact same thing that the synopsis promised: World trivia dumps stuffed with lists and for the most part unrelated to anything of importance.

Some are even illogical in my eyes. No need for guards because you tell criminals to leave? Bandits thrive without access to public infrastructure elsewhere, too, so why not here?
Also, the widow. With so few women, wouldn't societal interest be in having them able to bear children as much as possible?

The MC even states that he feels like lore-dumping at some point. But if I apologized for hacking off your finger, grinning and raising my hatchet for the next, would you forgive me?

Other than that, you have pretty solid interactions, though. Goofy as they are, they never feel too forced in direction or resulting humor.

Writing and Grammar​

Your informal writing style actually works for what you are going for (once again: I think).
Just. Why. So. Many. Lists???
They disturb reading flow for me and rarely add anything of importance to the sentence.

Oh, it's finally here!

Haha, don't worry. I'm just laughing now with your feedback. So no need to hesitate.

I find your analysis very honest and reliable. I bet you read not just four-chapter and then give someone a critique, but a lot.

Honestly, I (and other novice authors) need more people like you.

Nevertheless. Thanks again for your free service, bro. This helped me a lot.

 

[Zirrboy]

Hi!

I would love to get a review of my story (in the signature). Latest published chapter completes the link to the prologue - that would be a good place to reach, but depends on whether it's your cup of tea or not.

thanks :D

So this took a lot longer than planned, but I hope you can benefit despite the delay.
I consider your issue to be among the rarer ones. Luckily I worked with someone similar before, so if nothing else I'd say I at least have a bit of experience. (I read up until chapter 11 end)

You created a beautiful puzzle of mysteries gradually presented to the protagonist.
What is the light Ca'el witnessed in the prologue?
Why would a surveillance government use inexperienced children sent into far away settlements to spy, leaving them stand out and thus be inevitably discovered?
(In light of the drastic improvements of the last few chapters I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on this and the knowledge part, but if they shouldn't be mysteries, I suggest you take a very thorough look at them again)
Why did they limit magic and how did they erase the knowledge of it from people's minds? What aspects did they omit?

What you lack however is a reason for people to attempt it. For me at least, things are too obscure to find anything to latch onto.
Grand reveal that the bracelet from the government inhibits magic instead of aiding it? Would have been involving if I knew that he thought about it like that beforehand. 70% of what I was told about the topic was included in the very conversation that subverts it.

I'm usually a fan of light literature, so I might simply be too stupid to make sense of what you hint at, but most of my reading experience was dominated by "there's something there, but I won't tell you what". Suitable for a puzzle in theory of course, but if everything relevant is kept secret from the protagonist for reasons that are secret themselves, I find myself not racing for solutions for the riddle but waiting for the time when some for me arbitrary logic dictates that he may now be told.

Which is made even worse by your beginning for the protagonist's journey. The first two or three chapters are still spiced with rather organically (imo) included info about the world, but even then it's nothing ground breaking and gets even worse until by chapter seven or eight the plot picks up again. You have scene after scene of him being passed around between various officials.

Go somewhere -> Show his token -> "I think they don't like me" -> Repeat

For at least four chapters straight.
Most of this would be best of being cut completely imo, but if you consider them necessary, make an effort to explain his initial worldview and knowledge to the reader so that by the time you shatter it, the reader knows what you broke.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

I just saw this. Oooo try me! Kill me with everything you got! *I still have to edit 18-24 for quality but everything else is fair game! Hell, even 18-24 too!* I don't know how far you will go but I might as well point that out!
The story is in my signature.~
*The Gate of Shadows* It is completed too~
Heck, you can even go for Souls, but that is just 1 chapter atm.
Rip me anew <3 If you want, that is. This is all consensual.~

 

[chocomug]

Just that. Post if you're interested. I'm bored and unwilling to do anything else.

​

Hello,

Can you review mine? It's slice of life, low fantasy, medical novel (maybe?) set in modern China with a dash of romance.

System Only Gives Me Useless Gifts

Li Yun grew up with a system that gave him useless gifts. He wanted a reward that could prove the existence of the system, but ended up with abstract gifts like culture. Without physical proof, he was stuck wondering whether his mind was truly sane, all the while dealing with...

www.scribblehub.com

I try not to ask for reviews since the first few chapters are basically prologue/childhood arc, but I think your review will be helpful.

I'm petrified because of my half-ass editing efforts, but hopefully this review will motivate me to rewrite this.

The usual criticism I get is the jumpy and disjointed nature of the chapters. I don't write dates, because it's not important to the overall story, but I do understand if the readers are confused. Also, it's because I am too lazy to write a proper transition... I write for myself, so if the chapters don't interest me, I simply skip them. I do care about readers' opinions, but if it's boring for me to write, why make the readers suffer through it?

I think I already know most of my flaws and weaknesses, but having someone actually point it out will be great. Sometimes, what I think is a flaw might not be a flaw in the eye of the reader. So in a way, I need some sort of validation.



Thanks!