Feedback + suggestions (Closed)

[Zirrboy]

Hmm, let me ask for a favor then. I have long given up on improving my opening since I am trying for something. Well, I just want some input on my fight from chapters 39-46. I would like some input on maybe how I could have made it more interesting perhaps.

Nothing is as tempting as the forbidden, so when you said I shouldn't bother with the exposition, I prepared to focus on that explicitly (in addition to the fight scenes of course), but to be honest, I quite liked the early chapter as they are.

At least in the cultivation novels I read, the MCs either have no concrete goal in the beginning or a grand one that they are then denied, so a down-to-earth youth who leads a common life in expectation of inheriting his father's profession was quite refreshing for me.
Same goes for his family. Usually you either have the choice between tragically broken, abusive/arrogant or simply absent.

Not everyone stronger than him is demeaning, the "comedic relief" friend gets some romantic development of his own instead of endless jokes about his horrid courtship....

So before I delve into the issues I have, let me start this off by expressing my gratitude for the many subtle changes to established tropes that make your allegedly run-of-the-mill story all the more enjoyable.

System​

At its core certainly an unique idea. Pulling trash means nothing while the "good" rewards are only as good as the attention they bring him. A double-edged sword in so many ways that (I think) you tried to expand it to the affection system.
But for me at least it ended up somewhat confusing instead.

The changes, as far as I understood them, reflect both "attention", meaning overall fixation, and "sentiment", meaning like/dislike.
Having to guess which one is reflected is an interesting addition for sure, but "affection" is mostly synonymous with sentiment for me here. I suggest renaming this to "interest" if you don't mind the effort or inconsistency, as this word can mean both depending on context. The only thing that would need to be sacrificed is the "Oh, but it can also mean that" scene.
This is primarily my personal opinion, but naming it after sentiment when for his manhunt system the attention aspect would be more relevant unsettles me somewhat.

Also, you never establish the "units" of affection. All of them are multiples of 100, but I still have no idea what that translates to.

And lastly, there's the obligatory "why doesn't he". When he gets the system, his first thought is holing up to grind, which the system curb stomps with the announcement feature. But really, what is stopping him? With the jungle, this world seems empty enough to remain out of range. A good location might be harder to find, but not impossible. And a reward that costs him his neck is always worse than one he can keep without worry.

Characters​

Liu Xun, seems somewhat inconsistent in his love for his family. I did mention this in the comment already, but I find his longing to be a bit hypocritical when a sect that he is yet to join is worth a thought in regards to the fireball but his family isn't. Showing has a bigger impact than telling, so with this blatant disregard for their lives, I can't bring myself to buy all the favorable reminiscence.
In addition, becoming melancholic too early diminishes returns imo.
Using such thoughtfulness and emotionality on a peerless young hero and thus turning a fair lady's respect into adoration is best done in the wake of a big event for maximum impact.
You mentioned wanting to make him a scholar, so ig that's the reason you included it, but on that note is the issue of the ax. Kind of an "unscholarly" weapon and a demonic technique to boot.
This discrepancy could become a central part of his character, but right now it feels more like two separate things entirely.

Millie, overall, is well done and I don't see any issue with her being his permanent companion; She has sufficient potential to remain interesting even when (going off your author notes about "not requited but potentially more than one") you decide to bring in "country-toppling beauties" for ego stroke. Just, same as with Liu Xun, don't shoot all your shots early. I agree that character development was due when you started being serious about it, but overcompensation rarely does any good imo.

Plot​

You have a lot of character baits.

• Out of the seven Liu juniors that invite him to eat, you have one generic romance (Muyue, jade this and that paragraph) and one generic adversary (Ruanfeng, nagging). Neither persists and none of those speaking upon their introduction are with the MC past the restaurant
• Qin Yeqian beats Muyue, so I was expecting her to be romance in her place (He betrays his clan for her), but she just slides into the background as Millie takes the spot (Up until the final battle at least)

My best guess here is that you want to bring across the "fleeting feel of travel". In this case, you can skip the next part as that's simply not my thing.
As much as I am intrigued by the idea of giving the people around the protagonist their own relationships, I think right now it isn't exactly used to its full potential.
You have dynamics, like Langsheng and Wuyue constantly bickering, but little in the ways of development as of yet. If you want to sacrifice people for character development, use them instead of your important main characters.

Fighting​

Now after all this ranting nobody asked for, we finally get to the thing you actually want feedback on. From what I understand, you want the battles to be the main part of your story.
The issue with that is the fact that you are writing a book, not directing an anime or movie. Battles are the stakes they decide over, not the bashing, hacking and casting, at least not solely.
This is the reason people tend to make "How dare you not lick the ground I tread"-young master characters. By building up negative sentiment for the adversary, the author makes readers care about the result of the battle. This emotional investment can't be replaced no matter how well you write the actual fight.
Other things work as well, of course. Even the threat of death and decent gains through the demonic beast blood, so long as they are stressed, like you have with Wuyue's fall.
How you bring in variation and stakes is up to you of course, but the "oh, roadside animal ambush" fights definitely need to become rarer.

Next up is "mechanical description". As with the last point, you seem to be on the part of improvement already, but I'll stress this explicitly so you can focus on avoiding it.
Of course you can't have a fighting scene without describing what's going on, but I advise you to cut down on the detailed descriptions of his moves. With all the pivoting and stance changing going on in your early scenes, it feels as though I'm reading him doing dance practice instead of a fight to the death.

The way things are written will always influence how readers perceive them. Long, convoluted descriptions will make the fight feel much slower and controlled. This is good for showing off the MC's battle prowess, but the "thrill of combat" will suffer in equal measure.
If a scene should portray tension and speed, make the sentences shorter, perhaps add something of a "trance" where the focal character takes in details.

TL;DR: All the fights are arbitrary and without effect while the benefits he obtains require no fighting. That's your problem imo.

All this and a few other things are explained in this writing blog, which does a much better job at it than I do, but simply leaving the link would seem a bit snobbish, so I tried to summarize it for your case as best I could manage.

Spoiler: Here are some line comments

“So while you were unconscious, Xuan Tie carried you for about half a day before we found this cave. You should be thankful to him, he has done you many favours.”

Indeed. Senior Xuan had been a huge help to Liu Xun, from his timely save to his assisting afterwards.

Liu Xun couldn’t help but feel like he really owed Senior Xuan a big favour.

The last part is redundant imo. It's not too big a problem, but similar descriptions of intent are present throughout your work.

Liu Xun realised this trump card was too effective that he would most probably only be relying on its passive effect. Or else when he joins a sect and the sect faces a threat, he would not be able to utilize it. That is unless he planning to wipe out the very sect he is trying to protect.

This is the line I'm bitching about in regards to his family.

Furthermore, Liu Xun also did not want to reveal his full strength with his concealed cultivation base.

The group then slowly traversed the cave.

This is a good idea if you want to stay low-key, but Liu Xun has to go all out multiple times throughout their journey, so apparently bridging even more stages would imo bring more attention to him than less, perhaps even raise doubts whether he has ways to conceal his strength.

A gentle breeze ruffled across Liu Xun's long hair, gently caressing it as it flowed past.

He was a woodworker a few days ago. Taking the risk that you already know this and simply chose to disregard it for aesthetic purposes, I will tell you that long hair gets in the way of physical labor, (which is why it was a sign of status in ancient china) meaning that he should have his cut short.

Each spin came with greater momentum and speed as the ax slowly approached its terminal velocity (as if something like that exists in my fiction, more power= faster, but basically the fastest Liu Xun could handle at the moment). The ax then slammed down onto the lizardman defender with enormous force!

Terminal velocity is the equilibrium of acceleration and drag, so this is actually the right term I think.

He was now barely 6 feet (3 meters)

With US measurements, this is simply wrong. And while there is a "foot" measurement in china that differs from it, I recall it being shorter than the US foot.

Ch 36.5 denotes proficiency at 16%, 37 at 14% again

An lastly a few things about the lizardfolk fight.
Stone is rather brittle if sharpened to the point where it can serve as a cutting weapon. Thus (imo) defeating the purpose of sabers.

Then there's the glaive. I don't know whether this was simply a typo, but irrc they were up to 3m long for <1.8m medieval humans, so imagining a 2.5m giant swing a glaive around that's about half that size is somewhat strange.

[Lizardman (Qi Stage 3) is attacking from 2 o'clock (club).]


[Lizardman (Qi Stage 2) is attacking from 6 o'clock (claw).]


[Lizardman (Qi Stage 5) is attacking from 4 o'clock (claw).]

So he knows what that means? Could simply be the pill ofc, but I found it peculiar.

 

[Mysticant]

Nothing is as tempting as the forbidden, so when you said I shouldn't bother with the exposition, I prepared to focus on that explicitly (in addition to the fight scenes of course), but to be honest, I quite liked the early chapter as they are.

At least in the cultivation novels I read, the MCs either have no concrete goal in the beginning or a grand one that they are then denied, so a down-to-earth youth who leads a common life in expectation of inheriting his father's profession was quite refreshing for me.
Same goes for his family. Usually you either have the choice between tragically broken, abusive/arrogant or simply absent.

Not everyone stronger than him is demeaning, the "comedic relief" friend gets some romantic development of his own instead of endless jokes about his horrid courtship....

So before I delve into the issues I have, let me start this off by expressing my gratitude for the many subtle changes to established tropes that make your allegedly run-of-the-mill story all the more enjoyable.

System​

At its core certainly an unique idea. Pulling trash means nothing while the "good" rewards are only as good as the attention they bring him. A double-edged sword in so many ways that (I think) you tried to expand it to the affection system.
But for me at least it ended up somewhat confusing instead.

The changes, as far as I understood them, reflect both "attention", meaning overall fixation, and "sentiment", meaning like/dislike.
Having to guess which one is reflected is an interesting addition for sure, but "affection" is mostly synonymous with sentiment for me here. I suggest renaming this to "interest" if you don't mind the effort or inconsistency, as this word can mean both depending on context. The only thing that would need to be sacrificed is the "Oh, but it can also mean that" scene.
This is primarily my personal opinion, but naming it after sentiment when for his manhunt system the attention aspect would be more relevant unsettles me somewhat.

Also, you never establish the "units" of affection. All of them are multiples of 100, but I still have no idea what that translates to.

And lastly, there's the obligatory "why doesn't he". When he gets the system, his first thought is holing up to grind, which the system curb stomps with the announcement feature. But really, what is stopping him? With the jungle, this world seems empty enough to remain out of range. A good location might be harder to find, but not impossible. And a reward that costs him his neck is always worse than one he can keep without worry.

Characters​

Liu Xun, seems somewhat inconsistent in his love for his family. I did mention this in the comment already, but I find his longing to be a bit hypocritical when a sect that he is yet to join is worth a thought in regards to the fireball but his family isn't. Showing has a bigger impact than telling, so with this blatant disregard for their lives, I can't bring myself to buy all the favorable reminiscence.
In addition, becoming melancholic too early diminishes returns imo.
Using such thoughtfulness and emotionality on a peerless young hero and thus turning a fair lady's respect into adoration is best done in the wake of a big event for maximum impact.
You mentioned wanting to make him a scholar, so ig that's the reason you included it, but on that note is the issue of the ax. Kind of an "unscholarly" weapon and a demonic technique to boot.
This discrepancy could become a central part of his character, but right now it feels more like two separate things entirely.

Millie, overall, is well done and I don't see any issue with her being his permanent companion; She has sufficient potential to remain interesting even when (going off your author notes about "not requited but potentially more than one") you decide to bring in "country-toppling beauties" for ego stroke. Just, same as with Liu Xun, don't shoot all your shots early. I agree that character development was due when you started being serious about it, but overcompensation rarely does any good imo.

Plot​

You have a lot of character baits.

• Out of the seven Liu juniors that invite him to eat, you have one generic romance (Muyue, jade this and that paragraph) and one generic adversary (Ruanfeng, nagging). Neither persists and none of those speaking upon their introduction are with the MC past the restaurant
• Qin Yeqian beats Muyue, so I was expecting her to be romance in her place (He betrays his clan for her), but she just slides into the background as Millie takes the spot (Up until the final battle at least)

My best guess here is that you want to bring across the "fleeting feel of travel". In this case, you can skip the next part as that's simply not my thing.
As much as I am intrigued by the idea of giving the people around the protagonist their own relationships, I think right now it isn't exactly used to its full potential.
You have dynamics, like Langsheng and Wuyue constantly bickering, but little in the ways of development as of yet. If you want to sacrifice people for character development, use them instead of your important main characters.

Fighting​

Now after all this ranting nobody asked for, we finally get to the thing you actually want feedback on. From what I understand, you want the battles to be the main part of your story.
The issue with that is the fact that you are writing a book, not directing an anime or movie. Battles are the stakes they decide over, not the bashing, hacking and casting, at least not solely.
This is the reason people tend to make "How dare you not lick the ground I tread"-young master characters. By building up negative sentiment for the adversary, the author makes readers care about the result of the battle. This emotional investment can't be replaced no matter how well you write the actual fight.
Other things work as well, of course. Even the threat of death and decent gains through the demonic beast blood, so long as they are stressed, like you have with Wuyue's fall.
How you bring in variation and stakes is up to you of course, but the "oh, roadside animal ambush" fights definitely need to become rarer.

Next up is "mechanical description". As with the last point, you seem to be on the part of improvement already, but I'll stress this explicitly so you can focus on avoiding it.
Of course you can't have a fighting scene without describing what's going on, but I advise you to cut down on the detailed descriptions of his moves. With all the pivoting and stance changing going on in your early scenes, it feels as though I'm reading him doing dance practice instead of a fight to the death.

The way things are written will always influence how readers perceive them. Long, convoluted descriptions will make the fight feel much slower and controlled. This is good for showing off the MC's battle prowess, but the "thrill of combat" will suffer in equal measure.
If a scene should portray tension and speed, make the sentences shorter, perhaps add something of a "trance" where the focal character takes in details.

TL;DR: All the fights are arbitrary and without effect while the benefits he obtains require no fighting. That's your problem imo.

All this and a few other things are explained in this writing blog, which does a much better job at it than I do, but simply leaving the link would seem a bit snobbish, so I tried to summarize it for your case as best I could manage.

Spoiler: Here are some line comments

The last part is redundant imo. It's not too big a problem, but similar descriptions of intent are present throughout your work.



This is the line I'm bitching about in regards to his family.


This is a good idea if you want to stay low-key, but Liu Xun has to go all out multiple times throughout their journey, so apparently bridging even more stages would imo bring more attention to him than less, perhaps even raise doubts whether he has ways to conceal his strength.


He was a woodworker a few days ago. Taking the risk that you already know this and simply chose to disregard it for aesthetic purposes, I will tell you that long hair gets in the way of physical labor, (which is why it was a sign of status in ancient china) meaning that he should have his cut short.


Terminal velocity is the equilibrium of acceleration and drag, so this is actually the right term I think.


With US measurements, this is simply wrong. And while there is a "foot" measurement in china that differs from it, I recall it being shorter than the US foot.

Ch 36.5 denotes proficiency at 16%, 37 at 14% again

An lastly a few things about the lizardfolk fight.
Stone is rather brittle if sharpened to the point where it can serve as a cutting weapon. Thus (imo) defeating the purpose of sabers.

Then there's the glaive. I don't know whether this was simply a typo, but irrc they were up to 3m long for <1.8m medieval humans, so imagining a 2.5m giant swing a glaive around that's about half that size is somewhat strange.


So he knows what that means? Could simply be the pill ofc, but I found it peculiar.

Hmm wow, you sure did read the whole thing. Well, I did mention before I was trying out something convoluted. As you said, testing out the forbidden. I mean it is kind of confusing that Liu Xun's perspectives change a lot I guess. I have still yet gone to the part where the fight gets all the emotional investment burns out. Like I have been building the female character to be broken up with, his weapon to break upon the next big boss fight, basically all of his wish-fulfillment cheats is basically build up for the next fight. The side characters betray and die in the end. And for Liu Xun himself, it is more of a mixed bag where he deals with various emotions. He has his family in mind but I guess I should put that in more. I guess I have not thought things deeply enough. Thank you so much for the proof checking. It helps to get another perspective than just reading on my own. Let's just say that I sort of already planned for my 3 villains that are to be revealed in the next 50 chapters to be built up with their plans working on the background. Some of which is hinted by some mediocre details or system announcements. Others are just completely out of the blue stuff. I guess I was going for mystery, action, romance and sort of character building.

I guess what I would mean is beside the MC, anything I write more about is likely to die. So I chose to write less about the family for the moment until the end of his journey since I had no plans on killing any of them....yet.

I really don't like that angering villains with petty motives et cetera. That was why I focused more towards perspective changing in battles for now. Soon, it would revolve around fighting, flashbacks before death and fighting like extended fights. Which was why I said it may take like 10-15 chapters based on how I write action.

At least in ancient china, they tied their hair into buns. Based on the dramas I watched at least. That is how they keep it out of the way. He used to have his hair in a bun, which he took off while showering. I don't know whether I talked about that ever again, but I thought it would be irrelevant.

The o'clock thingy is for the reader's idea more since he would receive probably attack from behind etc. But I guess, I did add the intuitive reflex cheat which helps him interpret the information through intuition.

I know the foot thing was wrong, but I could never find it. It was 30cm per foot iirc.

As for terminal velocity, I sort of understand what you mean but I was just implying that when he gets stronger it gets faster. So yeah to have a certain mass hit a certain max speed due to acceleration and drag is a sort of lfimsy concept. Maybe I should just get rid of the brackets.

-SPOILER ZONE-

I guess TLDR is Muyue is a green tea bitch who owns a corpse controlling system that has already controlled half of the Liu Family juniors (including Langsheng and Waner) and is still attempting to control others in the background atm. Ruoxue is the next villainess who is assumed to be controlled by Muyue but she owns the Deceiver Detective System that allows her to adjust her status. This is all like save up for the big fight after this where Liu Xun gets ambushed by almost all of the juniors. Gets helped by Ruoxue part way then betrayed again cause she has a system. I just wanted this entire arc to show how broken owning a system was by how he beats a big boss several realms above him through many sacrifices. Yet almost lose to a system user who is weaker than him, and then actually lose to another system user who actually had disguised her status. Showing the dynamics of ordinary people, to cultivators and lastly CULSYSTORS which is the actual title of the novel which means 'cultivation system operators'. That is basically the gist of Arc 1.

Sooo that marriage thingy at the restaurant was just her scheme to get close to Liu Xun so she could control him. Thus, when Senior Qin won he was saved by her temporarily until he goes back. Which the entire first arc is split into 2 parts, peak 6th stage "Shaggoroth, the devourer of Myths" boss battle which he fights with Millie who is unsurprisingly an early 6th stage celestial fox turned human. This part since I have been developing Senior Gan/Gan Xinjian and already forecasted his death, I will make his death glorious as he observes to describe Liu Xun's OP fight using the demon stone from the system store to fight with Millie against the big boss. Second half is a game of among us known as "W3LC0M3 T0 TH3 L1U F4M1LY" where he thinks everything is over and he can go for sect recruitment but gets ambushed by Muyue and her corpse puppets. Lastly after beating Muyue, he ended up thinking Ruoxue is an ally but gets dealt paralysis poison as she take one of his precious rewards and reveals her "Deceiver Detective System".

I really wanted to get my reader to get attached to the side characters and just betray their expectations like how they are puppets of the author, they are puppets of Muyue who displayed emotions and share joy, yet would betray at the link of an eye. You can tell I really do not want any generic plots at all. I have been reading WN for like over 15 years and my experience with LOTM is the greatest. I tried to do a slightly easy and refreshing start, to a battle heavy middle and then a ultra plot scheming and foreshadowing end. Like I have sort of foreshadowed both Muyue and Ruoxue already. And like how the system blue boxes never records any affection points from Langsheng and Waner (since they are corpse puppets), yet registers affection points from Ruoxue since she is just disguising herself.

As you can see, I am juggling a lot of contexts and trying to show as many perspectives of each character. I guess it would really make the reader feel unsettled huh. But I really dislike how most of the xianxias nowadays are written, so I intentionally chose to write this plot for my first arc. The future arcs that I imagined are still quite battle heavy but they are more romantically and emotionally inclined. I have sort of visualised a 2200 chapter end to the novel which I likely would not even reach by writing...heh. Like each of my arc would have a sacrifice, Liu Xun development and a moral to learn. I intentionally set up Liu Xun to be a naive and flawed character at this point as I did not want a true gary stu mc yet. I made Liu Xun (B-tier) at the moment while Millie is like (SSR tier), by the end I visualised him to be like above (UR tier) sort of. Like each arc he gets a small boost as he gets character development, gains knowledge and skills and lose people around him like how the journey of cultivation is always described to be lonely.

My generic adversary Ruanfeng has his own backstory as well, which he hates CULSYSTORS because his parents died to one. So he is also one of the characters to fight against Muyue. So a generic villain character turn ally on the spot was what I was going for. Everything you have seen and commented at those parts was completely groundwork intended to blossom into another big fight. I guess I like plots, schemes and big fights too much HAHA.

Not all good characters are good, not all bad characters are bad. Stubborn and selfish characters can be righteous. If you think that cause you are the MC that you will always win, think again. If you think characters I develop don't die, hell I enjoy 86 and akame ga kill. Don't think I would hesitate to kill off developed characters. If I have a reason to, I will and without mercy.

I want to show my female CULSYSTORS in my cultivation novel to not be paper dolls by giving them the villainess roles and actually putting Liu Xun into a pinch. So yeah juggling gender equality in a male lead xianxia is another thing I was tackling.


I guess since I spoilt this, it is probably okay to say that The Thousand Deceivers is a persona for Sun Wukong. Most of all the great ones that I develop are all gods. The first part of this novel is xianxia and thus focuses on Chinese mythology. But the second half (once he becomes a god/immortal) gets dicey with all other myths from various origins.

 

[Zirrboy]

He has his family in mind but I guess I should put that in more.

Oh the exposition and his reminiscence do perfectly well to bring the "liking" part across. That line (and perhaps his almost usage of the fireball) is the problem. Through it, the parts where you paint his relationship positively may come across as artificial, but if you adjust the two scenes (just have him think about his family in the first, and either cut his attempted use or make him hesitate for the same reason)

At least in ancient china, they tied their hair into buns. Based on the dramas I watched at least. That is how they keep it out of the way. He used to have his hair in a bun, which he took off while showering. I don't know whether I talked about that ever again, but I thought it would be irrelevant.

That is my mistake, then, I apologize.

I know the foot thing was wrong, but I could never find it. It was 30cm per foot iirc.

45- Surrounded (5), first big paragraph.

As for terminal velocity, I sort of understand what you mean but I was just implying that when he gets stronger it gets faster. So yeah to have a certain mass hit a certain max speed due to acceleration and drag is a sort of lfimsy concept. Maybe I should just get rid of the brackets.

Terminal velocity aside, I agree. For an author note, this is too seamlessly embedded in the text that I took a while to comprehend its nature. Footnotes or at least (AN:[...])

actual title of the novel

On that topic. You said you changed it for catchyness once already, so might I suggest "Reward Announcement Gacha". The last part can be replaced with whatever you want. Sign-in, Lottery etc.
Just my personal opinion, but I think it gets the 20 mile broadcast across clearer than "cultivators know my cheat"

-SPOILER ZONE-

That is one big ass reveal.

1. Diminishing returns. Think Invincible, if you've seen that. The first few deaths and betrayals will be a shocker, but later it gets bland and readers won't get invested in characters since they expect them to die anyway
2. Wuyue/Ruoxue ship!

 

[Mysticant]

Oh the exposition and his reminiscence do perfectly well to bring the "liking" part across. That line (and perhaps his almost usage of the fireball) is the problem. Through it, the parts where you paint his relationship positively may come across as artificial, but if you adjust the two scenes (just have him think about his family in the first, and either cut his attempted use or make him hesitate for the same reason)


That is my mistake, then, I apologize.


45- Surrounded (5), first big paragraph.


Terminal velocity aside, I agree. For an author note, this is too seamlessly embedded in the text that I took a while to comprehend its nature. Footnotes or at least (AN:[...])


On that topic. You said you changed it for catchyness once already, so might I suggest "Reward Announcement Gacha". The last part can be replaced with whatever you want. Sign-in, Lottery etc.
Just my personal opinion, but I think it gets the 20 mile broadcast across clearer than "cultivators know my cheat"


That is one big ass reveal.

1. Diminishing returns. Think Invincible, if you've seen that. The first few deaths and betrayals will be a shocker, but later it gets bland and readers won't get invested in characters since they expect them to die anyway
2. Wuyue/Ruoxue ship!

Ohhh boy, you underestimate my creativity/insanity. Like I have a benchmark for every arc and the sacrifice part is sort of a necessity for the MC's final path to ascension. Like it is part of the dao I cultivate for him. Every important sacrifice is most likely a point where he learns something and their deaths would not be forgotten. For example, when Senior Gan dies, Liu Xun would end up interacting with the sect leader who they will talk about Senior Gan where the sect leader gives his thoughts et cetera. Liu Xun has already obtained many skills from senior Gan also in that sense. Sacrifice is like a core theme of this xianxia and Liu Xun would basically get depressed at some point but also obtain enlightenment from it. Then something I would like to call Key magic happens(though only when he ascends).

Some arcs have benchmarks like sacrifice without knowing, sacrifice of oneself for another, to not judge people based on their background and cultivation skills (race), to accept death as a natural process, to save someone at the expense of oneself wholeheartedly. There are basically key events that point towards the end of the arc where once the moral and climax is achieved, that specific arc end. Arc 1 is more of the introductory arc that lambasts on xianxias on how they just shower their MCs when every life out there has their own story. This is also why I mainly focus on Liu Xun's perspective, to hide the truths that things actually occur in the background rather than do open reveals on the plotting.

As I said, I will try my best to make readers attached to a character. Pit them into a seemingly unsalvageable situation. Make them lambast at the powerlessness of their system (which has their own limits), and then force them to make a sacrifice. Be it themselves or others. After all, isn't that real life but in a more extreme sense? Of course, I won't do it for just drama and my MC and other characters would remember the sacrifices across the arcs. It is meant to be sort of a tear jerker xianxia with dilemmas in that sense. I hate meta xianxias with a MC running around unhindered with a hundred country toppling beauties following behind. My MC's love interest is either a complete like or complete hate for me in my opinion and she would only be revealed on Arc 2. Millie is sort of a special character since she is overpowered for the current arc, but is sort of relevant. Like more backstory will come after Shaggoroth. But if she is the fox and she kept waiting in that garden for an owner that has never returned. She will make her own decisions after this encounter and meet up with the MC at around Arc 4/5 when he is at the 5th realm. So each character is basically a mobile moving point, but the main focus will be on the MC and FMC mostly. I don't want to create characters just to elevate my MC, create villains just to show how righteous my MC is. Perhaps it would be unorthodox and more boring in that sense, but I wanted to simulate a journey where every character has a rationale goal and mission and they have to make their own sacrifices and weigh their own choices. Just that, my MC shall always win (or lose but at least live). Or I would have nothing to write about I guess.

Sorry if I am treating you as an editor rather than a reader. I feel it is fine to spoil from an editing perspective, but definitely not from the reader's perspective.

Hmm, it is good to have your perspective on fights. I was also thinking that it was too wordy thus I moved towards a litRPG feel with the intuitive combat system. I wanted to create scenarios using it where he can actually fight in way beyond normal human limits and allow for many types of skills to be used and perspectives to be drawn. I guess I will hard test all of this on the Shaggoroth fight. Like my fighting description tend to be on the wordy side but I had planned a few variations as well for it. Now then, if I would stop procrastinating and start writing, that would be the ideal scenario.

 

[Zirrboy]

Ohhh boy, you underestimate my creativity/insanity. Like I have a benchmark for every arc and the sacrifice part is sort of a necessity for the MC's final path to ascension. Like it is part of the dao I cultivate for him. Every important sacrifice is most likely a point where he learns something and their deaths would not be forgotten. For example, when Senior Gan dies, Liu Xun would end up interacting with the sect leader who they will talk about Senior Gan where the sect leader gives his thoughts et cetera. Liu Xun has already obtained many skills from senior Gan also in that sense. Sacrifice is like a core theme of this xianxia and Liu Xun would basically get depressed at some point but also obtain enlightenment from it. Then something I would like to call Key magic happens(though only when he ascends).

Some arcs have benchmarks like sacrifice without knowing, sacrifice of oneself for another, to not judge people based on their background and cultivation skills (race), to accept death as a natural process, to save someone at the expense of oneself wholeheartedly. There are basically key events that point towards the end of the arc where once the moral and climax is achieved, that specific arc end. Arc 1 is more of the introductory arc that lambasts on xianxias on how they just shower their MCs when every life out there has their own story. This is also why I mainly focus on Liu Xun's perspective, to hide the truths that things actually occur in the background rather than do open reveals on the plotting.

As I said, I will try my best to make readers attached to a character. Pit them into a seemingly unsalvageable situation. Make them lambast at the powerlessness of their system (which has their own limits), and then force them to make a sacrifice. Be it themselves or others. After all, isn't that real life but in a more extreme sense? Of course, I won't do it for just drama and my MC and other characters would remember the sacrifices across the arcs. It is meant to be sort of a tear jerker xianxia with dilemmas in that sense. I hate meta xianxias with a MC running around unhindered with a hundred country toppling beauties following behind. My MC's love interest is either a complete like or complete hate for me in my opinion and she would only be revealed on Arc 2. Millie is sort of a special character since she is overpowered for the current arc, but is sort of relevant. Like more backstory will come after Shaggoroth. But if she is the fox and she kept waiting in that garden for an owner that has never returned. She will make her own decisions after this encounter and meet up with the MC at around Arc 4/5 when he is at the 5th realm. So each character is basically a mobile moving point, but the main focus will be on the MC and FMC mostly. I don't want to create characters just to elevate my MC, create villains just to show how righteous my MC is. Perhaps it would be unorthodox and more boring in that sense, but I wanted to simulate a journey where every character has a rationale goal and mission and they have to make their own sacrifices and weigh their own choices. Just that, my MC shall always win (or lose but at least live). Or I would have nothing to write about I guess.

Sorry if I am treating you as an editor rather than a reader. I feel it is fine to spoil from an editing perspective, but definitely not from the reader's perspective.

Don't worry, this is what I offer.


I'll just bomb you with more literature.
This isn't to say that I doubt your writing skills, I just think successive "tragic deaths" are extremely difficult.
Before the first, the readers don't know whether your story will have important characters dying or not, and, for the most part assuming the latter, are relatively willing to get invested in them.
But after it has become clear that people, even important ones, can meet their end, the hurdle becomes so much higher.
Not only do you have to make them so good that readers can't help but care despite better knowledge, but after they were burned the first time, they start looking for signs, diminishing the sheer impact of the first.

Compare it to your spins. If the MC has low expectations or complains about the "stingy system", big rewards become all the more likely, while "let's see, maybe I'll get something good like last time" is the biggest flag for a trash pull.
Similarly, sudden spikes in emotional development of a character usually spell death.

 

[Malonymous]

Hello, if you are still accepting new stories I would like to offer mine for review. If it makes it any easier, I am most interested in feedback on the first 4-5 chapters and first impressions from synopsis, prologue, main character

Gender Bending to Slay the Demon King – Weird Shift 1.0

The deal: Beryl the self-proclaimed 'god-tier' gamer is offered one thousand years of paradise for reincarnating into a fantasy world and slaying the Demon King. The plan: Pretending to be a girl in online games worked to get him tons of free gold. What could go wrong doing it for...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Zirrboy]

I just saw this. Oooo try me! Kill me with everything you got! *I still have to edit 18-24 for quality but everything else is fair game! Hell, even 18-24 too!* I don't know how far you will go but I might as well point that out!
The story is in my signature.~
*The Gate of Shadows* It is completed too~
Heck, you can even go for Souls, but that is just 1 chapter atm.
Rip me anew <3 If you want, that is. This is all consensual.~

I'll gladly tear you a new one. Wait what?
(Jokes aside for a second, though. I wrote this the way I did based on your request. If anything is unclear due to my excuses for comedy, do not hesitate to ask. (And in saying so, I have successfully rid myself of any potential responsibility for my behavior and insults))

One fine day I, after finishing the previous review, chanced upon a certain book named "The Gate of Shadows (Completed)".
Synopsis a bit dramatic for my personal tastes, but not off putting and I was there to review, so I got to reading.

Chapter 1​

As far as opening paragraphs went, those were well done. Emotional, yet full of mystery.
And up until Fenris spoke to her, my expectations were not disappointed. But HOLY SHIT! Can you not infodump for five fucking minutes?
Every other paragraph is her explaining the world to the reader. I DON'T CARE what Cerberus is (yet). All I need to know for this particular scene is that she fears them, but that can be read from her reaction. Everything else can wait until the mother backstory.
The Lycans thing, too. They rule the organization that saved the world, why would hiding their features be in any way relevant? And either I missed a page or the beast form is rarely mentioned again and even then only very vaguely.
You draw me in with the allure of the unknown, yet once I take a single step inside, you can't stop yourself from telling me absolutely everything there is to know about your world. The first encounter with the love interest is infodump. WHY?!?
There's also the white hair thing. How did she not know? She even knows they're from the same clan.

Then there's little miss melodrama. "Look at me I'm a worthless witch who deserves to be hated! But that Ezra guy who treats me like I expect everyone else to? Yeah, definitely prejudiced."
This is present throughout most of what I read. Her character switches between a self-deprecating persona and one that seems to have a comparatively clearer understanding of common ethics.
If this is supposed to be an older her commenting on the past, I'm missing any mention of "memory" or evaluation of her own actions.
The other explanation I can think of is that you are trying to stress how badly she's treated, but for me that just makes the self-deprecating one less believable. The story is written from her perspective, so if she tells me that, she knows herself.
A general checkup on whether she would be able to see all mentioned details (And other people's emotions) might be in order as well, but that's a smaller issue.

Intro Stella. Is there anything to her that isn't a cliche "evil parent" thing? She doesn't care, yet hates her. She wants her to share her cause, yet also make her suffer personally. She rears her as a human sacrifice, yet bothers to spend time teaching her magic?
If she's as stupid as this makes her seem, there's no way in hell she managed to hide the entire ritual thing from Cerberus.

Chapter 2​

Ten year old, remember? Oblivious in love ring a bell? Then could you kindly explain to me how such a person reaches poetically romantic conclusions such as "wanting to walk beside him"?
You seem to be in a rush to establish him romantically and as a result he, too, has flashes of a personality that seems way older than his usual one. Not negatively, but the "seasoned heartbreaker" kind.
If you want to have children in your stories then let them be children FFS!
Wouldn't being the sole person to treat her nicely be sufficient for him to become her "light"? But noooo, what would we do without that sweet sweet early romance?

Chapter 3​

As generically edgy and emo the rest of your protagonist is, I must commend you for not making the "how did they become the seal for an apocalyptic power tied to their emotions" part of some brief or vague backstory.

The grandmother is so over the top at this point that I can't even bring myself to honestly hate her.
She wants to destroy the world because her daughter is no longer in it. Which would make sense if it wasn't mixed with a power plot. If she plans for others and most importantly herself to survive, then how is this "destroying the world"? She wants revenge or power, not absolute annihilation. And what reason would she have for attempting to act like she did?
I sure hope there's more to her, because if not... I don't even know.
This woman is the equivalent of making a smoothie with everything in the fridge, facing a power outage half way through the mixing and deciding to just drink what you have by then.

Chapter 4​

Nothing much to say here actually. If I choose to ignore the the power fantasy this devolves into as the chapter progresses. All the assholes brutally die by her power, and to make things even better, she's not even responsible.
And what would we do without a massacre that gives the MC reason to hate herself even more than she already did before?

Chapter 5​

The initial dialogue of this is pure genius. Not only do you tell the few who haven't been able to understand before that your protagonist is not to blame for anything, but you also get a reusable baddie for the future.
How dare she say things like "maybe we shouldn't force our brother to deal with the person who is by closely related to our parents' death, one before his very eyes" when we have steamy romance with minors to enjoy?

MC wakes up well rested, thinking fondly of the atrocities the monsters committed due to her breakdown, and wondering about two things.
The first is how she should build an entire identity of self-blame around what she had no say in. The second is a name of her newfound murder pet.
The monsters made it very clear that they have no interest in ceasing their invasion, but she's just "eh, fuck it, cute cat, I keep"?

Next she gets the must have accessory for any edgelord (lady? queen?) worth their money: artificial depression.
Is she grateful? Nope. Spoiled brat nearly complains.

They had avoided an apocalyptic scenario, but at the same time they killed off my ability to feel.

From her previous "I want to die/disappear" ramblings, wouldn't this be win-win for her?
And she once again talks about her feelings for him as though she's familiar with them while previously you established that she isn't.

Chapter 6​

Ol' reliable: Porn
Now we'll start this with a quick warmup math exercise. Take the difference between 17 and 12, then add that to 10.
The final part of the exercise is figuring out how that number is significant enough for me to point it out.

I skipped the scene, so no comments on that.

Chapter 7​

Or "The author stand-in's comprehensive guide how you should feel about the already black on white characters"

Back in chapter 6 I was still wondering why you chose to rush their relationship to that point. After all, the five years of bonding they did happened in between two words at the end of chapter 5 for the reader.
But now I get that you have a very valid reason. If there were no outside threats they (or rather he, the MC did her job once she said she deserves what they do to her) need to defend their relationship against, the focus might shift to places nobody wants to see, like perhaps the fact that watching your mother be mauled is not something you simply get over and that they have quite a few issues left to be sorted out.

Chapter 8​

When I started reading, I saw a spark. Something unprecedented: A grey character. With her role as Fenris' fiance, they would clash sooner or later, but she seemed nice despite being an antagonist.
Did you realize in the second part that we hadn't had enough self-hate from her for a while now? Thank you author, I missed that.
Unparalleled leading skills, though. "Hmm I wonder whether we should inform anyone about the fact that they should take care around that human nuke we have lamenting about? Nah, too much risk. It's not like she doesn't draw enough attention as is already. Nobody would find all the important people around her suspicious at all. So no guards either, that'd blow the cover."

Paired with the fact that she doesn't tell anybody either. Like, sure, trauma and all that, but you don't sound very convincing when talking about wanting to save them with that little effort young lady.

"You are cuter when you are nervous." Fenris purred into my ear, picking me up and placing my back against the wall.

Was already wondering why he liked her. "Don't stick your dick in the crazy" they say, but some of us just prefer life on the edge ig.

And more perspective breaks to give it a finishing touch. For someone who doubts any basic kindness, she sure is certain of herself when guessing his feelings.

Chapter 9​

"Fuck that! I want to know how many ladies you have done the deed with." Ezra continued to press on.

This guy talks like me! Seriously, though "Fuck that" and "ladies have you done the deed with" don't go well together imo.

And after "Oh no, he'll never love me" for two thirds of a chapter, we have this.

He was consumed with jealous rage.

Well at least they're both adults now.
...I say but two paragraphs later and we have another all time favorite: No protection against her will
But he just cares so much about her that it's alright I guess.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

I'll gladly tear you a new one. Wait what?
(Jokes aside for a second, though. I wrote this the way I did based on your request. If anything is unclear due to my excuses for comedy, do not hesitate to ask. (And in saying so, I have successfully rid myself of any potential responsibility for my behavior and insults))

Good lord, thank you <3 I laughed. I grew tired of all the friendly comments/reviews and need this in my life. I don't mind the way you speak at all. Just makes me laugh so much. Heheheh <3 Thank you for tearing into me.

 

[Zirrboy]

Good lord, thank you <3 I laughed. I grew tired of all the friendly comments/reviews and need this in my life. I don't mind the way you speak at all. Just makes me laugh so much. Heheheh <3 Thank you for tearing into me.

I am very much afraid that people are going to request those joke reviews instead of serious ones after this one.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

I am very much afraid that people are going to request those joke reviews instead of serious ones after this one.

But, but, they are hilarious I loved it!!! I am a thrilled customer! And not everyone can take a joke like that. Sadly. But to me, it was just gold.

 

[Zirrboy]

But, but, they are hilarious I loved it!!! I am a thrilled customer! And not everyone can take a joke like that. Sadly. But to me, it was just gold.

Well I admit that I have to stop myself from ranting from time to time, but yours was almost perfect material, too.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Well I admit that I have to stop myself from ranting from time to time, but yours was almost perfect material, too.

Romances usually are. A lot of cliche things happen in them. Though hopefully, even with all that, I hope it was a pleasant read for you. I never imagined you getting to chapter 9.

 

[SakeVision]

I love reading this thread, even though I haven't even read the fictions analyzed here.

 

[Zirrboy]

Romances usually are. A lot of cliche things happen in them. Though hopefully, even with all that, I hope it was a pleasant read for you. I never imagined you getting to chapter 9.

Makes sense. But if the creator takes their work seriously, it's kinda hard to poke fun at it without sounding unnecessarily mean.

Would've read further, but I wanted the review out today.

I love reading this thread, even though I haven't even read the fictions analyzed here.

At least I entertain ig... lol

But reading reviews without the work is interesting for me as well. Another one of my boredom hobbies

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Makes sense. But if the creator takes their work seriously, it's kinda hard to poke fun at it without sounding unnecessarily mean.

Or without stepping on a land mine. Sometimes you have to be careful or they blow up in your face. I mean, to me you didn't even sound mean. It was just brutal hilarious truth? Which was what I asked for. I did not ask for nicer things. I get enough of that.

For me, it is interesting how everyone sees things differently. And I am very open-minded about everything.

So, even if you poke fun at me, I won't blow up on your face. But that is me. I know there are people who explode for no reason too. I hope you don't run into any of those bombs.~

 

[Zirrboy]

Hello,

Can you review mine? It's slice of life, low fantasy, medical novel (maybe?) set in modern China with a dash of romance.

System Only Gives Me Useless Gifts

Li Yun grew up with a system that gave him useless gifts. He wanted a reward that could prove the existence of the system, but ended up with abstract gifts like culture. Without physical proof, he was stuck wondering whether his mind was truly sane, all the while dealing with...

www.scribblehub.com

I try not to ask for reviews since the first few chapters are basically prologue/childhood arc, but I think your review will be helpful.

I'm petrified because of my half-ass editing efforts, but hopefully this review will motivate me to rewrite this.

Slice of life is not my expertise, but I'll try to point out any issues or possibilities I could find in the 20 chapters I read.
Since slice of life has no stringent narrative or development goals to work from, this means comparing what I think you have (chapters) to what I think you want to have (synopsis, tags, comments).

The usual criticism I get is the jumpy and disjointed nature of the chapters. I don't write dates, because it's not important to the overall story, but I do understand if the readers are confused. Also, it's because I am too lazy to write a proper transition... I write for myself, so if the chapters don't interest me, I simply skip them. I do care about readers' opinions, but if it's boring for me to write, why make the readers suffer through it?

From your tag list, the episodic nature of your book and resulting non-linearity appear intentional. You are missing multi POV, though.
While I would advise you to make at least short transitions, they are ultimately optional, as are dates. Visual highlighting of scene changes on the other hand are not.
The first big time skip would be an example of "good". A new chapter starts and it is immediately established that a new character is the narrator.
The flashback during their detention however falls into the "bad" category for me. In an uninterrupted text you suddenly start another scene and by the time I had figured that out, you were no longer narrating from the main characters' perspective, but from that of the would-be assaulters.
This is usually the point where authors mark their transitions via some form of division.

Like this

---

or this. The sky's the limit.

—​

So much for writing, now let's dive into the narrative aspect of that topic.

Snapshots show your cast growing up from close buddies to a loose group of friends who each begin to take their own path. Characters come and go, feel natural and what I just read genuinely invokes a feeling of nostalgia. Nobody is really "ripped" out, but there are just so many characters I'd like to see involved more. (Don't take this as criticism, necessarily. This is where the nostalgia comes from)

Now of course this is but the beginning of your story. You are well above 100 chapters and I have barely read 1/6. Their childhood is over, so will the long time skips I'd assume(unless the MC should be in midlife crisis by CH50), and at least some of what I'm about to say already shows change.

Due to the main cast going from one place to the other in their growth, the introduction of new people and "retirement" of the older ones is never forced, but from my perspective, there are just too many.
With their sheer number, I can't remember all of them. Since most make only one appearance, I forget them. Just to have one character show up again a few chapters down the line.

The "uninvolved observer" MC, who has few strong relationships to anyone, doesn't make this easier either.
Until around chapter 15 the System, the plot aspect according to the synopsis, is true to its proclaimed nature, but seems to serve primarily as a narrative element to make the MC strange and peculiar to outsiders while giving perfect reason for his antics to the readers. (So "Useless indeed, but why is it here, then)

"System" novels tend to focus on the protagonist while the other characters are props on their path to skill, fame and power. You have the opposite of that. In the overall development and dynamic of the core group, he has occasional significance, but as far as personal relationships go, he's "Immovable Object". And "Unstoppable Force" is taking their sweet time showing up.

For the focal character of the novel, I find him severely lacking in personal motivations. He did gain some useful skills in the last few chapters, but that's far later than the point where he decided to study medicine for system missions. Not to mention that "useful" only exists if a goal does, which right now he doesn't really seem to have.
Initially you establish that he feels bad on failure and happy upon success, but you also have him very openly doubtful and displeased about the rewards, yet throughout, he never once questions the necessity to act upon the given missions.

The story revolves around others. People who see their life change due to coming into contact with him. Now that's not bad by any means, but in the middle of all those wishes, dreams and resolves, he is a glaring hole of passivity.

Except for flaunting his knowledge at every fitting and unfitting occasion (this is a newer problem, sth like the "talks about ex = red flag" completely out of context).

So that's that ig. The beginning is good, but not entirely what is promised while everything afterwards seems to consist of him drifting past everything. If he hasn't gotten them later on, that man needs personal motivations.

Or without stepping on a land mine. Sometimes you have to be careful or they blow up in your face. I mean, to me you didn't even sound mean. It was just brutal hilarious truth? Which was what I asked for. I did not ask for nicer things. I get enough of that.

For me, it is interesting how everyone sees things differently. And I am very open-minded about everything.

So, even if you poke fun at me, I won't blow up on your face. But that is me. I know there are people who explode for no reason too. I hope you don't run into any of those bombs.~

The only personal experience I have with that is one where I assume that some people simply tie themselves to their story.
Be it their self image to overall response or creating idealized versions of yourself.

Probably doesn't feel too good when someone calls the person who is like you want to be an idiot.

As for reading your story, though, that honestly depends on how much porn it has

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

The only personal experience I have with that is one where I assume that some people simply tie themselves to their story.
Be it their self image to overall response or creating idealized versions of yourself.

Probably doesn't feel too good when someone calls the person who is like you want to be an idiot.

As for reading your story, though, that honestly depends on how much porn it has

Heheh, it can also be the personality of the person. Or like you said, if they take their work too seriously to allow criticism. *Imo shouldn't be a writer then* Each has its own thresholds, though.

I don't know what you mean! Smut is life! Literally! *Kidding*~ Not everyone likes soft/smut or hardcore porn/erotica, and that is okay! For me, like a hot-blooded romance type of gal, I need to have some smut. Or at least a good romance in my stories. I tire of the hand-holding phases.

Though I have to say; I don't enjoy erotica? Is that weird? Like too much detail makes me go, uh what? Especially how some write it. Smut I am fine and enjoy.~

 

[Zirrboy]

Heheh, it can also be the personality of the person. Or like you said, if they take their work too seriously to allow criticism. *Imo shouldn't be a writer then* Each has its own thresholds, though.

I don't know what you mean! Smut is life! Literally! *Kidding*~ Not everyone likes soft/smut or hardcore porn/erotica, and that is okay! For me, like a hot-blooded romance type of gal, I need to have some smut. Or at least a good romance in my stories. I tire of the hand-holding phases.

Though I have to say; I don't enjoy erotica? Is that weird? Like too much detail makes me go, uh what? Especially how some write it. Smut I am fine and enjoy.~

You misunderstand me. I'd stay for the smut not the other way around. So long as they're of age, I'm all for that.
Heck, my own story is primarily porn

Also, validation through internet strangers? Some article I read on the subject made that out to be generally discouraged, though, and I tend to agree.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

You misunderstand me. I'd stay for the smut not the other way around. So long as they're of age, I'm all for that.
Heck, my own story is primarily porn

Also, validation through internet strangers? Some article I read on the subject made that out to be generally discouraged, though, and I tend to agree.

Oh, you like smut! Fellow smut lover! Hehehe... I like plot, too, though. So my story has a mix of both. But once the smut starts, it happens every chapter or so. Maybe with a 2-4 chapter break. If the story calls for it.

For you know plot/growth... Cuz... We need that too? Right? *Cough, cough* The chapter I am not so innocent 16, 19/26 Red moon both chaps. If I remember correctly, those are pretty spicy. *cough, cough* There are others, but I feel like those are the spiciest of the bunch.

Heheh... Technically, the age of consent is different for countries. For states it is 17-18, Canada is 16+ *I believe* UK 16+ too? Not 100% sure, but I know some of those countries have that age of consent. *That age of consent is also for them to sleep with adults, not within themselves.* I mean, I had a 13-year-old cousin get preggers. That was a shock but doesn't stop kiddos from having sex.~ *Sex Ed should be started at the age of 10 imo from what I have experienced. Hell, maybe even younger.*

Unless you mean 18+ all the time, but that is a preference.~ *Technically, this sometimes makes me go urg too. I mean, if the party is 18, and the other is 40, that creeps me out!* I am fine with a 10 year age gap though. *Can't be anyone's mother or father... Well, actually they can be the father of a kid... Maybe not the mother?* Uh, I am going down a hole!

Luckily, 6-8 is the only time they are technically minors of consent aging depending on the place one lives? But they both are minors so that is okay. In my other stories, they are always 18+ too~ Though for souls... Uh... Well? Smut doesn't start until chapter 9? I like to build a foundation before the sex.~ But this only applies to my stories. I don't do pure erotica/smut since I find it boring.~

I also tend to agree. Validation shouldn't be encouraged. How would get better if all we get is validation? We aren't perfect beings to be loved by everyone! We all have flaws.~ And guess what. That is okay, too. Even when we are utter idiots!

P.S. Sorry, I type too much. I know~

 

[BenJepheneT]

Just for the record: If either of you want me to do your books, please say so, otherwise I'll assume your questions to be in public interest.

I'll be honest; I was simmering in the side, waiting to see if this would be a thread where they claim to review works and goes dead in three weeks. Turns out it's not; a rarity around these parts, to be honest.

Caninstinct

Shiro believes he's been sent to the wrong school. Rormund Academy: home to only the best of the best. A school so exclusive even its name remains elusive to the public. An establishment where only the wealthiest, smartest, and most athletic students of the world reside. Shiro exhibits none of...

www.scribblehub.com

As of now, it's hovering at around <250k words. If there's anything I want to focus on, is a general rundown of anything I excelled/broke my ankles at along with how I can improve my pacing without sacrificing detail. I want to finally get a definitive list on what I'm good at, bad at, and dogshit at.

The story itself is a slow, character-centric drama piece with, well, animals as main characters.

I don't want to say furries, but yeah, furries.

Trust me, it's not on a whim I made 'em animals.