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Zirrboy

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Oh, you like smut! Fellow smut lover! Hehehe... I like plot, too, though. So my story has a mix of both. But once the smut starts, it happens every chapter or so. Maybe with a 2-4 chapter break. If the story calls for it. :blob_melt:

For you know plot/growth... Cuz... We need that too? Right? *Cough, cough* The chapter I am not so innocent 16, 19/26 Red moon both chaps. If I remember correctly, those are pretty spicy. *cough, cough*
:blob_happy: There are others, but I feel like those are the spiciest of the bunch.

Heheh... Technically, the age of consent is different for countries. For states it is 17-18, Canada is 16+ *I believe* UK 16+ too? Not 100% sure, but I know some of those countries have that age of consent. *That age of consent is also for them to sleep with adults, not within themselves.* I mean, I had a 13-year-old cousin get preggers. That was a shock but doesn't stop kiddos from having sex.~ *Sex Ed should be started at the age of 10 imo from what I have experienced. Hell, maybe even younger.*

Unless you mean 18+ all the time, but that is a preference.~ *Technically, this sometimes makes me go urg too. I mean, if the party is 18, and the other is 40, that creeps me out!*:sweating_profusely: I am fine with a 10 year age gap though. *Can't be anyone's mother or father... Well, actually they can be the father of a kid... Maybe not the mother?* Uh, I am going down a hole!

Luckily, 6-8 is the only time they are technically minors of consent aging depending on the place one lives? But they both are minors so that is okay. In my other stories, they are always 18+ too~ Though for souls... Uh... Well? Smut doesn't start until chapter 9? I like to build a foundation before the sex.~:blob_hide: But this only applies to my stories. I don't do pure erotica/smut since I find it boring.~

I also tend to agree. Validation shouldn't be encouraged. How would get better if all we get is validation? We aren't perfect beings to be loved by everyone! We all have flaws.~ And guess what. That is okay, too.💕 Even when we are utter idiots!

P.S. Sorry, I type too much. I know~:blob_melt:
If it wasn't for their way of spacing punctuation, I'd suspect you're the person leaving comments under all your chapters and a five star review...

Just realized my response can be read very differently from what I intended.
The "Validation from internet strangers" referred to the
I don't enjoy erotica. Is that weird?
The article I mentioned was about writing sex scenes and advised against too many details.

I'll be honest; I was simmering in the side, waiting to see if this would be a thread where they claim to review works and goes dead in three weeks. Turns out it's not; a rarity around these parts, to be honest.


As of now, it's hovering at around <250k words. If there's anything I want to focus on, is a general rundown of anything I excelled/broke my ankles at along with how I can improve my pacing without sacrificing detail. I want to finally get a definitive list on what I'm good at, bad at, and dogshit at.

The story itself is a slow, character-centric drama piece with, well, animals as main characters.

I don't want to say furries, but yeah, furries.

Trust me, it's not on a whim I made 'em animals.
@.TheTrinary He admitted it!
Just checked and I actually didn't pass the 3 week mark yet. Unless I should reconsider my impression of being good at maths, which is totally possible.

This not being the first attempt was to be expected, and hey, I took long breaks, too, before. So no guarantee it won't end up like that.
The last won't take too long, but I watched Trinary's review on yours before.

(None of this is to say I won't do yours, just to be clear)
 

chocomug

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Slice of life is not my expertise, but I'll try to point out any issues or possibilities I could find in the 20 chapters I read.
Since slice of life has no stringent narrative or development goals to work from, this means comparing what I think you have (chapters) to what I think you want to have (synopsis, tags, comments).


From your tag list, the episodic nature of your book and resulting non-linearity appear intentional. You are missing multi POV, though.
While I would advise you to make at least short transitions, they are ultimately optional, as are dates. Visual highlighting of scene changes on the other hand are not.
The first big time skip would be an example of "good". A new chapter starts and it is immediately established that a new character is the narrator.
The flashback during their detention however falls into the "bad" category for me. In an uninterrupted text you suddenly start another scene and by the time I had figured that out, you were no longer narrating from the main characters' perspective, but from that of the would-be assaulters.
This is usually the point where authors mark their transitions via some form of division.

Like this



or this. The sky's the limit.
—​



So much for writing, now let's dive into the narrative aspect of that topic.

Snapshots show your cast growing up from close buddies to a loose group of friends who each begin to take their own path. Characters come and go, feel natural and what I just read genuinely invokes a feeling of nostalgia. Nobody is really "ripped" out, but there are just so many characters I'd like to see involved more. (Don't take this as criticism, necessarily. This is where the nostalgia comes from)

Now of course this is but the beginning of your story. You are well above 100 chapters and I have barely read 1/6. Their childhood is over, so will the long time skips I'd assume(unless the MC should be in midlife crisis by CH50), and at least some of what I'm about to say already shows change.

Due to the main cast going from one place to the other in their growth, the introduction of new people and "retirement" of the older ones is never forced, but from my perspective, there are just too many.
With their sheer number, I can't remember all of them. Since most make only one appearance, I forget them. Just to have one character show up again a few chapters down the line.

The "uninvolved observer" MC, who has few strong relationships to anyone, doesn't make this easier either.
Until around chapter 15 the System, the plot aspect according to the synopsis, is true to its proclaimed nature, but seems to serve primarily as a narrative element to make the MC strange and peculiar to outsiders while giving perfect reason for his antics to the readers. (So "Useless indeed, but why is it here, then)

"System" novels tend to focus on the protagonist while the other characters are props on their path to skill, fame and power. You have the opposite of that. In the overall development and dynamic of the core group, he has occasional significance, but as far as personal relationships go, he's "Immovable Object". And "Unstoppable Force" is taking their sweet time showing up.

For the focal character of the novel, I find him severely lacking in personal motivations. He did gain some useful skills in the last few chapters, but that's far later than the point where he decided to study medicine for system missions. Not to mention that "useful" only exists if a goal does, which right now he doesn't really seem to have.
Initially you establish that he feels bad on failure and happy upon success, but you also have him very openly doubtful and displeased about the rewards, yet throughout, he never once questions the necessity to act upon the given missions.

The story revolves around others. People who see their life change due to coming into contact with him. Now that's not bad by any means, but in the middle of all those wishes, dreams and resolves, he is a glaring hole of passivity.

Except for flaunting his knowledge at every fitting and unfitting occasion (this is a newer problem, sth like the "talks about ex = red flag" completely out of context).

Thank you so much for the thorough review!

I think you have pointed out a couple of flaws I have tried to rectify basically by writing more chapters.

The amount of characters introduced is a lot, and there are more after chapter 20, but I'm not too concerned about the readers forgetting about the side characters... I was thinking in the back of my mind, how many chapters will it takes for the readers to remember the side characters? I think more than 100.



Chapter 138 is called Motivation... I have also felt that he lacked a bit of motivation, but then again, I use the "slice of life" tag as a way to avoid thinking about it too much.

My biggest concern is the pacing. Due to the slice of life theme, I have time skips to make it appear faster. Other than what you have mentioned about the detention chapter, I feel a bit more assured.

Again, thank you for a great review!
 

Zirrboy

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Thank you so much for the thorough review!

I think you have pointed out a couple of flaws I have tried to rectify basically by writing more chapters.

The amount of characters introduced is a lot, and there are more after chapter 20, but I'm not too concerned about the readers forgetting about the side characters... I was thinking in the back of my mind, how many chapters will it takes for the readers to remember the side characters? I think more than 100.



Chapter 138 is called Motivation... I have also felt that he lacked a bit of motivation, but then again, I use the "slice of life" tag as a way to avoid thinking about it too much.

My biggest concern is the pacing. Due to the slice of life theme, I have time skips to make it appear faster. Other than what you have mentioned about the detention chapter, I feel a bit more assured.

Again, thank you for a great review!
Uhhh
If pacing was your concern, I'd need to read more. Or know what milestones you are going for.
Both the SOL genre and "modern day system" settings inherently lean towards a slower or even nonexistent horizontal development with focus on separate small arcs.

That's not my thing, but if it's yours, I'm in no place to convince you otherwise.

I'm not against introducing more prominent side characters, the opposite really. I just found it a bit straining to recall who any of those you bring back in later were at times, with how many there are overall.
 

KoyukiMegumi

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If it wasn't for their way of spacing punctuation, I'd suspect you're the person leaving comments under all your chapters and a five star review...
Nani?! Oi! That hurt!:blob_teary: I don't even comment on my chapters. Unless I am responding to someone.:sweating_profusely: Nor have I given my story a five-star review/rating. All those come from other people. The only thing I ever do is a heart. Cuz if I don't like my chapters, who will. ~ Gotten nothing lower than a 4.5 review on any site I have been in either.:blob_melt:
Just realized my response can be read very differently from what I intended.
The "Validation from internet strangers" referred to the
Heheh, so it is proven then.~:blob_popcorn: Yeah, too many details are too much. It also has to do with the way they are written too. Sometimes it makes me snort while laughing.
 

BenJepheneT

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@.TheTrinary He admitted it!
Just checked and I actually didn't pass the 3 week mark yet. Unless I should reconsider my impression of being good at maths, which is totally possible.

This not being the first attempt was to be expected, and hey, I took long breaks, too, before. So no guarantee it won't end up like that.
The last won't take too long, but I watched Trinary's review on yours before.

(None of this is to say I won't do yours, just to be clear)
You can trust me when I say I had to grit my fucking teeth till my gums bleed rubies when I typed that out. I'm NOT admitting it, but it makes understanding it easier by association.

And no worries, after seeing that you managed to sit through 13 ongoing/completed works and still keep working, I'm convinced of your work. Take the time you need. I'm not going anywhere anyway.
 

Zirrboy

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I'm NOT admitting it, but it makes understanding it easier by association.
So you're not denying it either?

Sorry, enough ridicule at your expense.
I'm honored by the vote of confidence.
Nani?! Oi! That hurt!:blob_teary: I don't even comment on my chapters. Unless I am responding to someone.:sweating_profusely: Nor have I given my story a five-star review/rating. All those come from other people. The only thing I ever do is a heart. Cuz if I don't like my chapters, who will. ~ Gotten nothing lower than a 4.5 review on any site I have been in either.:blob_melt:

Heheh, so it is proven then.~:blob_popcorn: Yeah, too many details are too much. It also has to do with the way they are written too. Sometimes it makes me snort while laughing.
I was just referring to the frequent use of emojis in the middle of the text, not accusing you.
there there:blob_pat_sad:
 

BenJepheneT

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So you're not denying it either?

Sorry, enough ridicule at your expense.
I'm honored by the vote of confidence.
That's it, I'm out of here.

IMG_20210902_145951.png


Can't stand you hoes no mo'
 

SakeVision

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The last won't take too long, but I watched Trinary's review on yours before.

oh, I watched that too. I liked how he started with description of a cover, which included the OO and led me to believe it's somewhat more obscene that it really turned out to be; disappointment followed
 

EternalSunset0

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Just checked and I actually didn't pass the 3 week mark yet. Unless I should reconsider my impression of being good at maths, which is totally possible.
To be fair, I also did the wait and see approach. Not the 3 weeks thing, but the actual content. Then I saw how detailed you were and felt that you could also understand the type of stuff I was writing, so I gave it a shot. You blew my expectations away, tbh.

It's always gonna be a single brave soul who gets the ball rolling and a good first impression that starts off a thread.
 

chocomug

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If pacing was your concern, I'd need to read more. Or know what milestones you are going for.
Both the SOL genre and "modern day system" settings inherently lean towards a slower or even nonexistent horizontal development with focus on separate small arcs.

That's not my thing, but if it's yours, I'm in no place to convince you otherwise.

I'm not against introducing more prominent side characters, the opposite really. I just found it a bit straining to recall who any of those you bring back in later were at times, with how many there are overall.

You are right, the novel is made up of many mini arcs. The milestone is at the end of each volume, usually marked by a development in his personal life/system, around every 50 chapters.

I was mostly concerned about the pacing in the beginning, so it's all good.

The readers do have problems with too many characters in the beginning. However, after the initial hurdle, they automatically know to ignore most of the side characters.
 

tridetect

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are you still giving out reviews? If you don't mind, can you check out progressive detective the Q?
 

Zirrboy

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You are right, the novel is made up of many mini arcs. The milestone is at the end of each volume, usually marked by a development in his personal life/system, around every 50 chapters.

I was mostly concerned about the pacing in the beginning, so it's all good.

The readers do have problems with too many characters in the beginning. However, after the initial hurdle, they automatically know to ignore most of the side characters.
Take this as you will, but from my outside perspective, you're still somewhat dancing around the motivation issue.
For large parts of what I read, he single mindedly pursues the system's goals (medical school), despite never getting anything useful up until this point. And if proving its existence should be the intention, it remains immensely subtle.

He settles with not mentioning it any longer and seems relatively annoyed with it otherwise, so aligning his whole life feels out of proportion for me.
 

BenJepheneT

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oh, I watched that too. I liked how he started with description of a cover, which included the OO and led me to believe it's somewhat more obscene that it really turned out to be; disappointment followed
One thing to note is that Trinary's sexual cap is as high as a stunted pony.
 

Zirrboy

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Hello, if you are still accepting new stories I would like to offer mine for review. If it makes it any easier, I am most interested in feedback on the first 4-5 chapters and first impressions from synopsis, prologue, main character :blob_hide:

There we have it! The alleged Most popular genre on ScribbleHub: M->F GB GL has found its way into the abyss that is my review thread. Or maybe crawled up from its own, I don't know.
But you wanted impressions, so here are mine.

Synopsis​

Short and catchy, even for someone like me, who usually dislikes character impressions in the synopsis.The very flag-y rhetorical question in "The Plan" could be altered, but that's just nit-picking at this point.
There is however a glaring issue with your cover. The image does not in any way do justice to the amount of sheer stack you make the protagonist out to have. So, being the kind and helpful person I am, I have decided to
1631094048777.png

Please kill me
that for you.

Prologue​

I like the explicit and strong image you draw of your main character. Most sex change transmigration novels simply load off any past life to memory loss. You also have that to some extent it seems, but one is still infinitely as many as none and a very defining attribute at that.

Up until now, the prologue is also the only place where your title is referenced. Generally, I too would evaluate a 2-3 word title higher than half a synopsis, but this also depends on the idea said title gives. When I stumbled upon your book in both your signature and the trending list, my association was "Convoluted psychological Minecraft epilogue" or Drip Fed, not "sex change smut and comedy".

First Five Chapters​

The way your book starts, I felt reminded of Konosuba with its dirty, but explicitly unerotic humor. (ie there's perversion, but so over the top and comical that I don't take it as such) In the prologue, the difference in protagonists becomes apparent (ie explicitly "evil" instead of simply mediocre and terribly unfit for the challenge), but especially the first chapter proper seemed very similar.

But in the chapters to come, this tone changes multiple times. During the clothes shopping, there are suddenly passages of random sexuality and even a short breakdown episode. The result is not bad, mind you; I had fun reading it. Yet events seem to be written in the order they came to mind.

Don't get me wrong. If you hadn't included that breakdown, I would have pointed this out as a flaw. And unlike say "Transmigration gone wrong", your protagonist chose this themselves, so the delayed impact is not without reason. What bothers me is how quickly you close the topic again without... any real impact? For an actual identity change, the "I am Lady Beryl" feels far too early and spontaneous, not to mention that there is no (for me) apparent change in mindset afterwards, while its too dramatic for "Get your act together and scam some cash cows".
At least in my opinion.

On a writing side of things, you have a few too many cliff hangers for my tastes. Baiting people into staying around for the next chapter is an essential part of web authoring of course, but so is giving chapters internal structure and closure.
Readers will perceive the break between chapters as such, even more so if they have to wait for new updates instead of just clicking "Next" like I did.
If you can split a scene in half and bring it to climax there, fine by me, but there is little excuse for dragging a 3-5 paragraph conclusion of the last chapter over to the next.

Protagonist​

Most of this seems to be "canon", so do take this as an impression, not necessarily as criticism.
In the prologue we're told that he hated always coming in second place, due to being less invested with either time or money. His solution to that is leeching off of others. But how would that ever bring him to the first place the previous rant makes me believe he wants?
It lets him skip the early and mid game, but the closer to the top he gets, the fewer "sponsors" there would be left, meaning he'd get second place with less effort, but never first either.

Then there's the way how the protagonist treats a real world like a video game, sometimes even less than that.
Asking to skip any introduction level magic without even knowing how it works and how difficult it would be. The described games sound like MMOs to me, where level requirements are extremely common and thus a spoonfed character needs power-leveling before even getting to equipment, leading to a similar approach as treating magic as unknown.
A perfect show of their narcissism, but hasty and naive.
 

Mysticant

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I have to thank you for doing all of this review works, you have been a treasure and great help to us writers who barely get any reader feedback. :) Appreciate all of your feedback!
 

Zirrboy

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I have to thank you for doing all of this review works, you have been a treasure and great help to us writers who barely get any reader feedback. :) Appreciate all of your feedback!
I'm honored.
Let's see how it continues from here.
 

chocomug

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Take this as you will, but from my outside perspective, you're still somewhat dancing around the motivation issue.
For large parts of what I read, he single mindedly pursues the system's goals (medical school), despite never getting anything useful up until this point. And if proving its existence should be the intention, it remains immensely subtle.

He settles with not mentioning it any longer and seems relatively annoyed with it otherwise, so aligning his whole life feels out of proportion for me.


Chapter 16 is me attempting to establish a motivation. But it's very subtle. There's a plotline I'm still toying with in the future based on this chapter, but I'm not sure if I want to go in that direction, so it's intentionally vague.

Chapter 128 is called motivation. This is an attempt to move the plot forward, but it's not about the system.

I think you have pointed what something that I could make clearer in a rewrite.
 
Last edited:

Malonymous

Writer of fake *and* real villainess noble girls~
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There we have it! The alleged Most popular genre on ScribbleHub: M->F GB GL has found its way into the abyss that is my review thread. Or maybe crawled up from its own, I don't know.
If you gaze for long into the MtF GB GL, it gazes back into you :blob_wink:

So, being the kind and helpful person I am, I have decided to
View attachment 9613
Please kill me
that for you.
Oh my, that's... You know what? I'm actually kind of impressed, well done! xD

Prologue
Up until now, the prologue is also the only place where your title is referenced. Generally, I too would evaluate a 2-3 word title higher than half a synopsis, but this also depends on the idea said title gives. When I stumbled upon your book in both your signature and the trending list, my association was "Convoluted psychological Minecraft epilogue"
Hold up, did you just say Minecraft? I'm not sure how to feel about that association... Anyways sure, the title is a bit abstract :blob_sweat: Would you consider adding descriptors like web novel titles on amazon to be an improvement, such as "Weird Shift: A GB Fantasy Comedy" or nah?

First Five Chapters
But in the chapters to come, this tone changes multiple times. During the clothes shopping, there are suddenly passages of random sexuality and even a short breakdown episode. The result is not bad, mind you; I had fun reading it. Yet events seem to be written in the order they came to mind.
On that last part, I feel like a lot of web novel writing goes that way just by the nature of the beast. And since it is a changing room scene with a character in a new body of the opposite sex, I imagined some sexuality would be expected (although maybe I'm not quite sure what exactly you're referring to), so do you mean you'd suggest less abrupt/smoother transitions or fewer tone shifts overall in that regard? And was that specifically for that chapter or the story up to that point?

Don't get me wrong. If you hadn't included that breakdown, I would have pointed this out as a flaw. And unlike say "Transmigration gone wrong", your protagonist chose this themselves, so the delayed impact is not without reason. What bothers me is how quickly you close the topic again without... any real impact? For an actual identity change, the "I am Lady Beryl" feels far too early and spontaneous, not to mention that there is no (for me) apparent change in mindset afterwards, while its too dramatic for "Get your act together and scam some cash cows".
At least in my opinion.
Admittedly the breakdown/ego death sequence was something I came up with while writing the chapter, since the alternative would have been a much sillier and shallow comical 'acceptance' of her situation. Generally I tried to stay within the lines of 'not too silly' and 'not too serious,' but perhaps that scene was a bit more dramatic than what followed. Well, the breakdown was also intended to explain her character motivations changing from "escape with expensive dress" to "get as much as I can out of this guy." And for what it's worth, there's mild closure in Chapter 6 after she wonders what the heck she was thinking when things go wrong, and "Lady Beryl" becomes something of a recurring alter ego for her later in the story.

On a writing side of things, you have a few too many cliff hangers for my tastes. Baiting people into staying around for the next chapter is an essential part of web authoring of course, but so is giving chapters internal structure and closure.
Readers will perceive the break between chapters as such, even more so if they have to wait for new updates instead of just clicking "Next" like I did.
If you can split a scene in half and bring it to climax there, fine by me, but there is little excuse for dragging a 3-5 paragraph conclusion of the last chapter over to the next.
Hmm, for better or worse the early chapter endings might have been inspired by dramatic anime episode cliffhangers. But yeah, that Chapter 5 ending... Actually, I've never gotten any specific comments about that before. Maybe readers are just too used to cliffhangers? :blob_sweat: I probably would have edited that ending by now if there was more feedback like that. If it makes it feel any better, I did have both chapters ready because of that cliffhanger, so Chapter 6 was released an hour after the previous to not leave readers hanging. There's also the fact that as it stands, moving the 'conclusion' in Ch 6 to the end of 5 would deflate the tense scene to an ending sentence of, “It’s time for lunch!” Sure there's room for improvement and I could add another line or two as well, so I will consider it, thanks. I take it you would suggest editing that ending though?

Protagonist
Most of this seems to be "canon", so do take this as an impression, not necessarily as criticism.
In the prologue we're told that he hated always coming in second place, due to being less invested with either time or money. His solution to that is leeching off of others. But how would that ever bring him to the first place the previous rant makes me believe he wants?
It lets him skip the early and mid game, but the closer to the top he gets, the fewer "sponsors" there would be left, meaning he'd get second place with less effort, but never first either.
Hmm I'll say this, the concept of the MC came out of this idea: what kind of guy would choose to be reborn in a fantasy world as a girl, and why? The (quasi-serious) idea I went with was a gamer narcissist who would do anything for power (within the limits of a game world) with 'experience' catfishing guys in online games. There was an intended underlying motivation for him of that desire for recognition above all else. So yes, partially the MC did become less of a 'solo player' and would eventually use his own 'gamer skillz' with the additional MMO resources from 'sponsors' to ascend higher than he could have just on his own, or something like that.

Then there's the way how the protagonist treats a real world like a video game, sometimes even less than that.
Asking to skip any introduction level magic without even knowing how it works and how difficult it would be. The described games sound like MMOs to me, where level requirements are extremely common and thus a spoonfed character needs power-leveling before even getting to equipment, leading to a similar approach as treating magic as unknown.
A perfect show of their narcissism, but hasty and naive.
Sure, there was also an idea I had with the early story that it would be a play on the 'reincarnated into a game world' trope with the sobering 'expectations meeting reality' that this world isn't a game. And that's also why the MC didn't take some things too seriously at first, aside from the angel and fantasy world being far outside the MC's realm of imaginable expectations. Maybe it would have helped writing that into the story more directly, ah well.

Anyways, thank you for the feedback! Perhaps next time I would go with a sillier story with mostly female characters from the start, or a more serious story with at most a comedic undertone... Basically, I've been trying to figure out if reader retention through the earliest chapters can be improved (actually Chapter 3 has been the most controversial :blob_sweat:) and I'm not sure if it's a matter of people wanting/expecting more GL from the start, or the cover art attracting readers expecting a different kind of story, or what exactly, so any suggestions in that regard? Thanks!
 

Zirrboy

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Oh my, that's... You know what? I'm actually kind of impressed, well done! xD
I dare you to make it your cover for a week and compare the pageviews lol
Hold up, did you just say Minecraft? I'm not sure how to feel about that association... Anyways sure, the title is a bit abstract :blob_sweat: Would you consider adding descriptors like web novel titles on amazon to be an improvement, such as "Weird Shift: A GB Fantasy Comedy" or nah?
*Minecraft epilogue.
Something deeply(at least to some) philosophical.
As for story expectations, think some nonhuman protagonist in a worldbuilding showcase plot.

On that last part, I feel like a lot of web novel writing goes that way just by the nature of the beast. And since it is a changing room scene with a character in a new body of the opposite sex, I imagined some sexuality would be expected (although maybe I'm not quite sure what exactly you're referring to), so do you mean you'd suggest less abrupt/smoother transitions or fewer tone shifts overall in that regard? And was that specifically for that chapter or the story up to that point?
Perversion and sexuality are both mentioned before, but always in comedic context. The former is a physical description of someone plunging their hand into their cleavage with focus on the idiocy that comes thereafter. (This is what I compared to Konosuba)
The measuring tape near orgasm is just straight up erotica. Which gives rise to expectations, that, afaik, you take a decent time to fulfill.

But I might have put that stronger than it really is; and you're still doing leagues better than I am in terms of spontaneous writing.

Admittedly the breakdown/ego death sequence was something I came up with while writing the chapter, since the alternative would have been a much sillier and shallow comical 'acceptance' of her situation. Generally I tried to stay within the lines of 'not too silly' and 'not too serious,' but perhaps that scene was a bit more dramatic than what followed. Well, the breakdown was also intended to explain her character motivations changing from "escape with expensive dress" to "get as much as I can out of this guy." And for what it's worth, there's mild closure in Chapter 6 after she wonders what the heck she was thinking when things go wrong, and "Lady Beryl" becomes something of a recurring alter ego for her later in the story.
As a character he built solely for his gold digging, they do have almost identical goals, so I guess that is why I missed the differences.
I guess that's what happens when you spend half of the review time drawing oversized fat lumps... (Just for the record, I didn't)

But I'd be interested to hear how you made the two distinct, as there's a lot of potential there, imo.

Hmm, for better or worse the early chapter endings might have been inspired by dramatic anime episode cliffhangers. But yeah, that Chapter 5 ending... Actually, I've never gotten any specific comments about that before. Maybe readers are just too used to cliffhangers? :blob_sweat: I probably would have edited that ending by now if there was more feedback like that. If it makes it feel any better, I did have both chapters ready because of that cliffhanger, so Chapter 6 was released an hour after the previous to not leave readers hanging. There's also the fact that as it stands, moving the 'conclusion' in Ch 6 to the end of 5 would deflate the tense scene to an ending sentence of, “It’s time for lunch!” Sure there's room for improvement and I could add another line or two as well, so I will consider it, thanks. I take it you would suggest editing that ending though?
The thing I'm complaining about is that you add a cliffhanger out of nowhere on the final stretch, then immediately wrap it up in the following chapter. This is just my personal opinion, but if something is important enough to get a cliffhanger, I'd expect it to take up a significant portion of the ensuing chapter.
Don't get me wrong, finishing the unavoidably tension-less magic explanation with a bang was a good idea, but it also made me all the more disappointed when that flare got extinguished very quickly after.
Then again, as long as I'm the only one having that issue, you don't.

Hmm I'll say this, the concept of the MC came out of this idea: what kind of guy would choose to be reborn in a fantasy world as a girl, and why? The (quasi-serious) idea I went with was a gamer narcissist who would do anything for power (within the limits of a game world) with 'experience' catfishing guys in online games. There was an intended underlying motivation for him of that desire for recognition above all else. So yes, partially the MC did become less of a 'solo player' and would eventually use his own 'gamer skillz' with the additional MMO resources from 'sponsors' to ascend higher than he could have just on his own, or something like that.
Ah, it's simply my misunderstanding it seems, I apologize.

Sure, there was also an idea I had with the early story that it would be a play on the 'reincarnated into a game world' trope with the sobering 'expectations meeting reality' that this world isn't a game. And that's also why the MC didn't take some things too seriously at first, aside from the angel and fantasy world being far outside the MC's realm of imaginable expectations. Maybe it would have helped writing that into the story more directly, ah well.
In that case everything is as it should be!
(Note of yet another one of my ambiguous wordings. hasty and naive should refer to the MC, not the execution of characterization)

Anyways, thank you for the feedback! Perhaps next time I would go with a sillier story with mostly female characters from the start, or a more serious story with at most a comedic undertone... Basically, I've been trying to figure out if reader retention through the earliest chapters can be improved (actually Chapter 3 has been the most controversial :blob_sweat:) and I'm not sure if it's a matter of people wanting/expecting more GL from the start, or the cover art attracting readers expecting a different kind of story, or what exactly, so any suggestions in that regard? Thanks!
With how popular the genre is on SH and the fact that you explicitly mention the GL aspects in your synopsis, I did expect something along the lines of "gold digging, but for thirsty women" as main and early established theme.
I did also feel somewhat unclear on the prince perfect character, as I expected him to be pushed out sooner or later for an almost exclusively female GL cast. By the end of chapter 5 he was projected to be present for quite some time, thus potentially delaying the appearance of "permanent" characters. Characters are why people get involved in novels (most of the time)

The combination with an antihero protagonist might technically be also detrimental for conventional GL fans, but that would cost you the comedy readers. (And successfully remove the entire premise)

But I'd have to know in what capacity you are looking to adjust your novel.
Making the prince perfect a woman might be a possibility. If you want to go that far.
As for the witch girl, however, I can't see her being either cut or kept without significant changes to the early plot.
Might just mean I'm not creative enough, so if you find a way that you think fits, no need to hold back
 
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