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Zirrboy

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I'll be honest; I was simmering in the side, waiting to see if this would be a thread where they claim to review works and goes dead in three weeks. Turns out it's not; a rarity around these parts, to be honest.


As of now, it's hovering at around <250k words. If there's anything I want to focus on, is a general rundown of anything I excelled/broke my ankles at along with how I can improve my pacing without sacrificing detail. I want to finally get a definitive list on what I'm good at, bad at, and dogshit at.

The story itself is a slow, character-centric drama piece with, well, animals as main characters.

I don't want to say furries, but yeah, furries.

Trust me, it's not on a whim I made 'em animals.
I've read up until chapter 7

The Good​

You excel at painting a vivid image of the scene, though you probably know that yourself and/or have heard the same from others before.
Bloated descriptions will slow down the perceived speed of events, which you make frequent use of, but few feel directly out of place, at least for me. So scene pacing and level of detail are generally well done.

While I never felt directly tempted to skip a chapter to begin with, the constant tension of knowing his brutal side (thus being made aware that tearing apart any of his at times overbearing dialogue partners is a real possibility) also makes the lengthy "walk and talk" scenes a lot less boring than they could have been.

Characters, their motivations, and expression thereof in dialogue seem relatively on point.

With the sudden scene change, the protagonist's social awkwardness is introduced more organically and believable than most I've seen

The Maybe​

Things that I noted as primarily negative, but that I can make no definitive statement on due to
  1. me not having read your entire work
  2. some potentially falling under artistic liberty
  3. just being generally unsure
The school atmosphere gets subverted further than necessary.
At first you go out of your way to show it as perfectionist, unforgiving and generally hostile.
This part has 2-3 chapters dedicated to it, which, at an average of 2k words per chapter would be 8-12 for WN standards.

Then you turn that around. This happens right around the time the focus switches from the education to the free time part of academy life, so it would make sense if the intent was to show that his condescending and aloof schoolmates are also simply teenagers in the end, who need time to unwind.
But you go one step further and subvert most of what was previously established.
If this was about his classmates putting up a front around him, they are lacking a response to his presence in their "chill" zones.
If the goal is pity points for the MC in the early parts, you should have maybe not have him comically unable to stay awake in the one area they respect that he could affect himself: classes.

If neither, I can't figure out a reason for you to make it out to be one way, just to turn it around. As mentioned before, I found the dialogue a lot more bearable than I expected from Trinary's review, but telling me that all that was for almost nothing really makes me second guess myself here.
Not to mention that the resulting image of the school reminds me of some over the top supernatural anime schools in the image of Medaka Box or similar, for which the students are a bit too sane at the moment.


While the protagonist's motivations have not been subverted yet, it's getting to a point where I think that that will inevitably happen.
In the first scene, he talks as though he sees something in being "civilized" that makes him abandon all the advantages his self proclaimed strength would bring him in a lawless context, as well as whatever he gets from fighting.
In the conversation with Justice, he is revealed to have done little in his "civilized" life except going to school and cleaning, neither of which he displays any apparent interest in. Sleeping is on that list, too, but it's not city-exclusive, nor would it explain his motivated bearing in the first scene.
Both of those issues depend on future development, though. Me not being able to find an explanation does in no way mean that there can't be, hence 'the maybe'.

Animal characteristics are somewhat selectively applied imo. Intrigued by how intense your color descriptions can be at times, I looked up wolves' ability to perceive color, finding only these two articles, which disagree on core points and give no sources, but what they have in common is saying that wolves have less color receptors and thus weaker, limited color sight. This is the downside of improved night vision, which the protagonist is said to have.
Sense of smell is also somewhat rare to be mentioned, whereas my research led me to believe that it holds a vital part in a wolf's perception.
This can of course be artistic freedom, but the different sensoric constitutions and the effect they have on everyday life would have been a fun thing to touch imo.

The MC's mention of humans stumped me a bit, as the first remark in the auditorium seemed rather off-handed, making me think that he had some familiarity with them, even if not personal, whereas his meeting with Justice goes into a slightly different direction, stressing how rare they are.

The existence of people who's feral equivalent came to be through selective breeding in the real world, like dogs or well-endowed diary animals, are also a mystery to me, but not in a negative sense by any means. Just perhaps something you could use in your worldbuilding if you haven't already.

The Bad​

You have a (to me at least) somewhat inconsistent narrative voice. Perspective shifts fluently, between an external narrator and Shiro for the most part, but also others. This, alongside the use of brackets in prose are relatively minor style issues, though, just something I wanted to mention.

Punctuation can also be a bit strange at times, especially with how it affects pauses.
Then a voice exploded from behind, with a very distinct, Northern accent, shouting out loud very clearly and pronounced, “LEO!”
With the comma just before the climax of the sentence, you break of the crescendo the sentence builds up. Might just be nit picking, though.

I struggled to fit the following into a general topic, but couldn't find one, so I'll point this out as a singular issue.
You start chapter 5 with a foreshadowing segment. A snapshot of an inexplicable situation near climax, followed by a rewind and the events leading up to the initial scene.
But with the general hostility Shiro experiences, being held at broompoint does not feel too out of place. If he had been having a nice day surrounded by curious and friendly classmates, such a situation would have been immensely intriguing, but with things as they are, it's just a slightly more physical approach than the last few.
Not to mention that in the almost 2 chapters that happen in between, two entirely unrelated but more novel events take place.
By the end of chapter 6 I wasn't thinking "Oh god, it's finally happening", but "Huh? Right, that existed"

Pacing​

While from personal experience this is not nearly as big an issue as I expected it to be from TheTrinary's review, I'd say some of the above mentioned in the context of redundancy could be cut. Provided of course they don't hold meaning that I simply missed.

But as I'd assume you're not looking for advice for rewriting your story a second time, I'll try to give some general impressions, even if those will turn far shorter than otherwise.
The easiest, as far as description of details goes, is to look for repetition. If words or phrases need to be present in a few sentences in short succession, those sentences might require a second glance. Chances are they can either be combined, or one excluded.
Though if I count those occurrences, cutting redundant phrases would amount to 5% reduction at most.

This next one is a bit vague, but perhaps try to put more into one scene? Of course there is an upper limit where things just get confusing for the reader, but currently you have large scenes dedicated to single concepts and ideas. You do that in some cases already, but in nine out of ten it's either his abyssal attention span, sleepyness or the scorn he receives.

I don't know how you plan your writing, but if you make a list of "things to be shown in the chapter" perhaps make some per scene instead?
 
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I've been rather hesitant about asking for this since I didn't think my story was eligible for a review. The style vastly changes as it progresses, and almost everything is hastily thrown together. It's a jumbled mess. I think the characters are the only thing that remained somewhat consistent (though that's only true after the first few chapters).
What I'm most interested in is the current writing style, pacing, etc. I've got some decent feedback a while back, and it greatly helped - but recently there was either praise or nothing. However, I think there are still some major underlying issues lingering which could not be fixed with a simple edit. So, if you ever have the time, I'd appreciate looking into this.

 

Mysticant

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Just the cover or is there something in the recent chapters?
Mainly just the cover, since I have mainly written everything for the next two big fights after all. To focus on the gacha would be to put the cart before the horse. And mainly the idea where I could just put down 2 words on a cover versus a verbal spill makes it much more convenient and aesthetically pleasing from my point of view.
 

Zirrboy

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I've been rather hesitant about asking for this since I didn't think my story was eligible for a review. The style vastly changes as it progresses, and almost everything is hastily thrown together. It's a jumbled mess. I think the characters are the only thing that remained somewhat consistent (though that's only true after the first few chapters).
What I'm most interested in is the current writing style, pacing, etc. I've got some decent feedback a while back, and it greatly helped - but recently there was either praise or nothing. However, I think there are still some major underlying issues lingering which could not be fixed with a simple edit. So, if you ever have the time, I'd appreciate looking into this.

So long as you have enough material for me to get a feel of what you're going for, I can't see why not.
And some 30+ chapters should be more than enough for that.

Mainly just the cover, since I have mainly written everything for the next two big fights after all. To focus on the gacha would be to put the cart before the horse.
The synopsis is gacha. The first dozen chapters are gacha. The MC is gacha. Everything is gacha!
And now you mean to tell me its not?

Seriously, though. I'm beginning to think your entire premise is to bait people into reading it, expecting something entirely different.
Also, the links in your signature broke I think
 

Mysticant

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The synopsis is gacha. The first dozen chapters are gacha. The MC is gacha. Everything is gacha!
And now you mean to tell me its not?

Seriously, though. I'm beginning to think your entire premise is to bait people into reading it, expecting something entirely different.
Also, the links in your signature broke I think
I mean it is a gacha no doubt. But to solely expect a gacha from a xianxia is kind of not my style. Gacha is still main stay but to just put that is to deny the action, romance and every other aspect. Especially when the gacha functions as a way to write big fights, thus the public announcement for the cultivators know my cheat and the SICK MC abbrievation to indicate the action scenes. Like most gachas you see are probably in a safe environment, this gacha is made to bring fights/attention to the MC in a sense. Like I could have him hide in a cold palace if I wanted to and just do all the ridiculous ass "smart" MC moves, then you would realise that the rest of my next 300-400 chapters would lose its meaning as an action xianxia.
 

Zirrboy

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I mean it is a gacha no doubt. But to solely expect a gacha from a xianxia is kind of not my style. Gacha is still main stay but to just put that is to deny the action, romance and every other aspect. Especially when the gacha functions as a way to write big fights, thus the public announcement for the cultivators know my cheat and the SICK MC abbrievation to indicate the action scenes. Like most gachas you see are probably in a safe environment, this gacha is made to bring fights/attention to the MC in a sense.
At this point I must shamefully admit that I have no idea what you're implying with "SICK MC". Or at least mine does not make sense in the context you brought up.

And I've had enough time to think about it ever since reading your novel
 

Mysticant

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At this point I must shamefully admit that I have no idea what you're implying with "SICK MC". Or at least mine does not make sense in the context you brought up.

And I've had enough time to think about it ever since reading your novel
I mean it is understandable since the fight where he actually is OP isn't even written yet. Since this is probably the most light he would gain in this entire arc, all the previous fights are just to show lower levelled fights. Now it is to bring in higher level fights in a sense. All of it is just build up I would say, from the basic animal fights to wolves to spiders to lizardmen (they are sort of getting stronger, thus different writing styles). I did mention I am testing a different kind of concept so it would probably differ from regular xianxias, webnovels and such. Would probably be confusing, but I written this plot knowing it would either be an amazing masterpiece or crash and burn. Technically, this cover is meant for chapter 53 onwards since it is that part of the fight. Like the title is also sort of meant for this fight and the fight after. I just did not want my MC to get strong out of nowhere so I written everything before to ease the situation into this scenario which was what I was primarily writing for I guess.
 
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Zirrboy

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I mean it is understandable since the fight where he actually is OP isn't even written yet. Since this is probably the most light he would gain in this entire arc, all the previous fights are just to show lower levelled fights. Now it is to bring in higher level fights in a sense. All of it is just build up I would say, from the basic animal fights to wolves to spiders to lizardmen (they are sort of getting stronger, thus different writing styles). I did mention I am testing a different kind of concept so it would probably differ from regular xianxias, webnovels and such. Would probably be confusing, but I written this plot knowing it would either be an amazing masterpiece or crash and burn.
Then let's hope you make the best of it. I'll check in from time to time, and if you have anything you want a second opinion on, feel free to ask!
 

BenJepheneT

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Before I start my response, I should probably apologize for this. I actually wanted a response for the LATER half of my story as opposed to the first quarter. It's not your fault; it's something I neglected to mention beforehand. The chapters you've read have been written over years ago and safe to say, I might have improved over some things that I've fallen short in this my past work. I won't ask you to read past the entire thing for another feedback, but I will provide one of my latest chapters at the end of this post. It's my longest one (14k words) but I chose it because it worked best as a standalone narrative. You might be missing a hell of a lot of context and subtleties but in a technical sense, it is up to date with my current skillset. If you are up for it, I will be extremely thankful.

Nevertheless, regardless of whether you'll follow up on my selfish request, I came looking for copper and you provided me gold. I'm grateful for that.

I also want to provide a disclaimer that there may be some points I don't respond to. Please don't take them as dismissals. Rather, they're more like new perspectives that I want some more time to mull over as they're still fresh to me where I couldn't form a response to them. They're all noted; your efforts and time aren't in vain.

The school atmosphere gets subverted further than necessary.
At first you go out of your way to show it as perfectionist, unforgiving and generally hostile.
This part has 2-3 chapters dedicated to it, which, at an average of 2k words per chapter would be 8-12 for WN standards.

Then you turn that around. This happens right around the time the focus switches from the education to the free time part of academy life, so it would make sense if the intent was to show that his condescending and aloof schoolmates are also simply teenagers in the end, who need time to unwind.
But you go one step further and subvert most of what was previously established.
If this was about his classmates putting up a front around him, they are lacking a response to his presence in their "chill" zones.
If the goal is pity points for the MC in the early parts, you should have maybe not have him comically unable to stay awake in the one area they respect that he could affect himself: classes.

If neither, I can't figure out a reason for you to make it out to be one way, just to turn it around. As mentioned before, I found the dialogue a lot more bearable than I expected from Trinary's review, but telling me that all that was for almost nothing really makes me second guess myself here.
Not to mention that the resulting image of the school reminds me of some over the top supernatural anime schools in the image of Medaka Box or similar, for which the students are a bit too sane at the moment.
This was something I circumvented the more I worked on Rormund. I wanted the environment to be foreign and at times, alien. I made sure that whenever the school is introduced like this, it is always within MC's perspective. I guess I didn't accentuate that part as much as I should. The goal I had in mind was to slowly have MC be accustomed to the school as the chapters go on and in turn, have the readers be used to this environment the more they read. This probably coincides with the inconsistent narration which I'll touch on in a bit.

In the conversation with Justice, he is revealed to have done little in his "civilized" life except going to school and cleaning, neither of which he displays any apparent interest in. Sleeping is on that list, too, but it's not city-exclusive, nor would it explain his motivated bearing in the first scene.
Both of those issues depend on future development, though. Me not being able to find an explanation does in no way mean that there can't be, hence 'the maybe'.
I wanted this to stand out amongst the reader as a juxtaposition that they'd catch up on. The idea is that the readers would question the MC's actions under civilized life, which consists of nothing but formal education, chores, and sleeping. Since this is still under chapter 3, I hoped that the readers would attach the still-lingering mystery of the MC's background to this and make the contrast. If this suffices the MC's perspective of civilized life, on what end from the other side of the spectrum has the MC lived on BEFORE he came to a place with modern infrastructure?

Do refrain from taking this as a statement of fact, though. After all, my INTENTIONS for a narrative aren't mutually exclusive with my output. I am only explaining what I was trying to do so that I can provide you with a new possible perspective from your reading.

While the protagonist's motivations have not been subverted yet, it's getting to a point where I think that that will inevitably happen.
In the first scene, he talks as though he sees something in being "civilized" that makes him abandon all the advantages his self proclaimed strength would bring him in a lawless context, as well as whatever he gets from fighting.
This also coincides with the juxtaposition from above. What I wanted to do is to portray his civility where it seemed less to be about his integration into the modern culture but more focused on his detachment from the past. Again, since you asked about it as a "maybe", I probably also failed on that front.

The MC's mention of humans stumped me a bit, as the first remark in the auditorium seemed rather off-handed, making me think that he had some familiarity with them, even if not personal, whereas his meeting with Justice goes into a slightly different direction, stressing how rare they are.
Yeah, I had to agree with that. The rarity of humans was something I came up with halfway through Chapter 2. I'd rewrite the earlier chapters to reflect that part if I have the time. After chapter 7, I made sure that humans REMAIN a rarity throughout the story.

The existence of people who's feral equivalent came to be through selective breeding in the real world, like dogs or well-endowed diary animals, are also a mystery to me, but not in a negative sense by any means. Just perhaps something you could use in your worldbuilding if you haven't already.
Since my story is more internally focused on the established characters than the actual world itself, this is one of the trade-offs I had to make when building the world. Perhaps I could slot this in as a fun side talk when building a scene. Trust me when I say there's a lot I've built about the world that didn't make it to the pages, simply because they wouldn't flow fluently or seemed like forced useless exposition.

You have a (to me at least) somewhat inconsistent narrative voice. Perspective shifts fluently, between an external narrator and Shiro for the most part, but also others. This, alongside the use of brackets in prose are relatively minor style issues, though, just something I wanted to mention.
This is an issue that's been brought up to me several times throughout many feedbacks. I am aware of it and have worked on it since. It's actually become a detriment since then. As I've stated before, there are several instances where I failed to get a story point across simply because my retardation didn't understand how to write effectively back then.

Punctuation can also be a bit strange at times, especially with how it affects pauses.
With the comma just before the climax of the sentence, you break of the crescendo the sentence builds up. Might just be nit picking, though.
This I acknowledge too. I've been working on them for a while.

I struggled to fit the following into a general topic, but couldn't find one, so I'll point this out as a singular issue.
You start chapter 5 with a foreshadowing segment. A snapshot of an inexplicable situation near climax, followed by a rewind and the events leading up to the initial scene.
But with the general hostility Shiro experiences, being held at broompoint does not feel too out of place. If he had been having a nice day surrounded by curious and friendly classmates, such a situation would have been immensely intriguing, but with things as they are, it's just a slightly more physical approach than the last few.
Not to mention that in the almost 2 chapters that happen in between, two entirely unrelated but more novel events take place.
By the end of chapter 6 I wasn't thinking "Oh god, it's finally happening", but "Huh? Right, that existed"
In honesty, the reason chapter 5 got separated with chapter 6 is because it USED to be one singular chapter. It wasn't until I revised the word count and found it to be 18k words where I had to split it into two, hence the detachment. Same as before, I'd rewrite this if I have the time.

This next one is a bit vague, but perhaps try to put more into one scene? Of course there is an upper limit where things just get confusing for the reader, but currently you have large scenes dedicated to single concepts and ideas. You do that in some cases already, but in nine out of ten it's either his abyssal attention span, sleepyness or the scorn he receives.
Most of this is because I wanted to use that single concept as a pivot. Take it in the context of seeing the world through a different coloured lens. Under different contexts, several things would stand out. An oppressive scene would fixate on the choking walls enclosing the corridors. A light-hearted scene would describe the rays of sunlight as ethereal curtains brushing against a character's face as they walk past. Something like that. It's still something I'm working on to this day.

it's been a year-long effort mate I think I'm balding over it at this point



that is all I really gots ta' say about. here's the aforementioned link and a good day 2 u sir


I'm gonna go collapse in bed and sllllleearrererrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
 

Zirrboy

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Again, since you asked about it as a "maybe", I probably also failed on that front.
For myself I was relatively sure of those. But as they depended on things that I had opted not to read or were not even written yet, I chose not to make a leap of faith. Nothing wrong here imo.

Trust me when I say there's a lot I've built about the world that didn't make it to the pages, simply because they wouldn't flow fluently or seemed like forced useless exposition.
That's how it should be. I pointed it out for the off chance that you had missed that and could do something with it, not as a gaping plothole in any sense.

As I've stated before, there are several instances where I failed to get a story point across simply because my retardation didn't understand how to write effectively back then.
I'd say in the early chapters this also suffers from the fact that Shiro is commonly in a state of non-perception, either sleepy or focused elsewhere, thus necessitating external perspective to advance the scene.

Most of this is because I wanted to use that single concept as a pivot. Take it in the context of seeing the world through a different coloured lens. Under different contexts, several things would stand out. An oppressive scene would fixate on the choking walls enclosing the corridors. A light-hearted scene would describe the rays of sunlight as ethereal curtains brushing against a character's face as they walk past. Something like that. It's still something I'm working on to this day.
And that you do spectacularly well. But you asked for advice on pacing and that's the best I could come up with.
that is all I really gots ta' say about. here's the aforementioned link and a good day 2 u sir
I'll simply take this as a secondary request and get to it once I have dealt with the others.
 

BenJepheneT

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I'll simply take this as a secondary request and get to it once I have dealt with the others.
 

Artique

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I'd be glad if you could go through my novel once. I've already written this novel once before...but it had too many plot holes, that I decided to scrap that and rewrite it again. Looking forward to your reply :blob_evil::blob_evil::blob_evil:.

 

RedHunter2296

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Well, since everyone is trying me too.

My novel is right down here. My novel deals with a bit of everything, fantasy, sci-fi, modern military things like that, so my big question is whether the way I treat all these issues seems cohesive. I know that it can be heavy at the beginning because the story starts in the middle and that it can have many concepts that can confuse the readers, so I also made a glossary as complete as possible on the key points such as characters, places, factions, and important objects.

With regard to grammar, I already know that it is a homicide to the English language, I am aware of it and I try to improve as best as possible so it is not necessary for you to review it.
 

Zirrboy

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are you still giving out reviews? If you don't mind, can you check out progressive detective the Q?
I was once again overcome by laziness, I must apologize for that.

(Chapters 1-11 and 20-22)

The biggest thing to note about your book is improvement. If I had stopped reading a few chapters in, my review would have mostly consisted of me nagging about jumpy narrative and awkward dialogue. But chapter by chapter, you've been getting better in both regards.
If I suggest you to rewrite them, the most probable answer will be "once I'm done", but for the sake of a good few more people sticking around until then, I highly recommend you to prioritize that, at least for the first five or so.

Synopsis

It's just one big wall of text. You deal with at least two distinct topics, so give them their own paragraphs for better readability.
The content is well done on the other hand, teasing the major plot points. What might be added though is a mention of the other major characters, like Mikael or Mary.

World

I quite liked the idea of restricted magic. The narrative purpose is of course a different one, but it being treated like the dangerous weapon it is was a nice addition imo.
As for physical weapons, though... (This will be me ranting about a few remarks in the story, so skip at will)
Your fictional Japan not sharing the real world Japan's restrictive arms regulations is artistic liberty, but the lack of reaction towards public use of weapons felt a bit strange to me at times. The MC fires a gun in the middle of town and surrounded by a crowd, yet... nobody seems to give a shit?

Characters

Hyde is a bit of an enigma. His at times peculiar actions could be explained by the memory loss, but he doesn't really care about that either. He makes no earnest attempts at finding out, simply wanting to solve the case after reading a news article about the incidents. Hoka being revealed as Soap's target or losing her vocal cords also elicits little reaction. This is also something that shows slight traces of improvement, but for a Mystery/Detective novel, this guy shows far too little investment imo.

Mikael is almost the same. Now being a Mystery this can of course be part of some subconscious influence revealed later on. But I'm a bit on the fence about it, so I'll point it out as my impression of the two.

Midare's big question mark for me is recruiting and arming minors. Soap being able to circumvent witness protection is likely, but chasing after him and further interfering with his plans sounds a lot less healthy.

Writing and Grammar​

Like I said above, you have shown significant improvement in that regard, but your story is still relatively bare bones when compared to others. Not all books need to be Lord of the Rings in terms of descriptiveness, but most things not immediately necessary for the scene are skipped over in yours.
It's like watching a movie with someone who's already seen it and they skip over all the "boring" parts.
Sure, you get the plot a lot faster than otherwise, but the experience of watching becomes a lot shittier than it could have been.
Grammar is on point, though, and if you spared the attention to detail you have for clothes for other things as well, my issues would be solved

Plot​

It suffers from the issues mentioned above, but if you ignore that, the base story does have something to it. Lots of people with vague motivations. The traitor plot even makes me wonder whether the force behind the MC's memory loss is supporting the detectives or seeking to plant sleeper agents.
There are quite a few characters, which made the names a bit confusing at times, but this just makes the traitor thing more interesting.
What I also liked was the fact that most of their conclusions about the crimes were reachable from information told before, not with retrospectively added information.
 

tridetect

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I was once again overcome by laziness, I must apologize for that.
Me too. It happens to the best of us.


If I had stopped reading a few chapters in, my review would have mostly consisted of me nagging about jumpy narrative and awkward dialogue. But chapter by chapter, you've been getting better in both regards.
If I suggest you to rewrite them, the most probable answer will be "once I'm done", but for the sake of a good few more people sticking around until then, I highly recommend you to prioritize that, at least for the first five or so.
It was hard for me to describe and show the world without dumping loads and loads of exposition. I kept most of the normal school life activity stuff to a minimum so I could get to the important bits of the setting. Most of the characters during the early section don't have much to show or offer.


It's just one big wall of text. You deal with at least two distinct topics, so give them their own paragraphs for better readability.
The content is well done on the other hand, teasing the major plot points. What might be added though is a mention of the other major characters, like Mikael or Mary.
I'm bad at making synopsis since the stories I write tend to be very big with its themes, plot and setting. I don't want to spoil a lot because it would ruin the twists and there are a lot.


but the lack of reaction towards public use of weapons felt a bit strange to me at times. The MC fires a gun in the middle of town and surrounded by a crowd, yet... nobody seems to give a shit?
I probably should address this more. The agency is known for being lethal so most people in the world are used to it.

Hyde is a bit of an enigma. His at times peculiar actions could be explained by the memory loss, but he doesn't really care about that either. He makes no earnest attempts at finding out, simply wanting to solve the case after reading a news article about the incidents. Hoka being revealed as Soap's target or losing her vocal cords also elicits little reaction. This is also something that shows slight traces of improvement, but for a Mystery/Detective novel, this guy shows far too little investment imo.
I addressed his behavior a few times during the course of the story but it becomes a major plot point for the third and fourth case of the story.


Midare's big question mark for me is recruiting and arming minors. Soap being able to circumvent witness protection is likely, but chasing after him and further interfering with his plans sounds a lot less healthy.
The characters are 17-18 and on their final year of high school, Midare considers them young adults and could care less about the violations she commits. I should probably convey that point more, she is kinda like the 'washed up detective' archetype. Also what do you mean with the second half a lot less healthy?


There are quite a few characters, which made the names a bit confusing at times, but this just makes the traitor thing more interesting.
What I also liked was the fact that most of their conclusions about the crimes were reachable from information told before, not with retrospectively added information.
Thank you! I worked very hard to craft the plot in such a way that the mysteries and twists could be solved if you look at all the information presented to you.
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
211
Points
43
It was hard for me to describe and show the world without dumping loads and loads of exposition. I kept most of the normal school life activity stuff to a minimum so I could get to the important bits of the setting. Most of the characters during the early section don't have much to show or offer.
Topic wise you're doing fine. What I mean are the scenes themselves.
The most prominent example for me would be the part where the MC gets picked up at the train station by Yamiko. You fast forward over them leaving, then go back to add the dragon thing in between info about his new school.
Let the scenes play out more.

I probably should address this more. The agency is known for being lethal so most people in the world are used to it.
Used to the point where they don't care about people dying from stray shots? With both Midare and Hyde showing zero hesitation for firing in a crowded area, I'm led to question whether they're actually the "good guys".

I addressed his behavior a few times during the course of the story but it becomes a major plot point for the third and fourth case of the story.
So long as you address why he didn't seem too bothered by it before, go for it!

The characters are 17-18 and on their final year of high school, Midare considers them young adults and could care less about the violations she commits. I should probably convey that point more, she is kinda like the 'washed up detective' archetype. Also what do you mean with the second half a lot less healthy?
With education in neither detective work nor arms usage and little involvement in the Soap case (At least not more than most police after him).
Even picking them out of desperation would be questionable morally, but she's clearly not in need of applicants.
 
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