Feedback + suggestions (Closed)

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
Given that you have reached 10 chapters and the rather brief nature of my previous feedback, I decided to go back to it.
The necromancy issue pointed out there seems largely fixed and ties the origin of the book into the bigger story, so well done on that part.

Characters​

The discrepancy in Clara's personality has also been reduced, though she's still a bit too socially apt for someone who spent their life indoors with few contacts. Though that is just my impression. You're probably better of explaining why she isn't (backstory/flashes), rather than changing the chapters again.

A comparatively bigger issue right now is that she, despite being the title heroine of the series, appears less and less in recent chapters.
With her being a child, it would be more questionable to have her involved with the brutal criminals and guards, but I'm not even told yet how exactly she can prolong her life or what her power does.

There are other seemingly relevant characters, too, who each have their backstory with one another and drive the current plot, but few have more than two appearances. Thus, I won't be able to say much about them other than advise you to limit how many you introduce. They appear relatively well done, though, without any glaringly bland personalities.

Plot​

After about half a chapter of sick child melancholy, you have 3-4 of lighthearted sightseeing and shopping, only to deviate once again as you get into the chapters released since my first review. The synopsis has been updated, so I'll assume that your goals for the story have changed as well, but I don't really know which of those three aspects I should expect further down the line.

The chapter 6-10 were fun to read; the incident mentioned is probably what the conflict is leading to, yet the "training and get used to her cheat" part is skipped over until now. While you have used flashbacks already, the question is why you would delay it for so long.

If you ignore the synopsis and early chapters, however, you have a decent plot going. Different people fighting over their beliefs, restrictive order vs destructive freedom. Or a hint of it at least.
Most of their motives are still shrouded in mystery, with the action taking precedence.
It's definitely something you could roll with, but as of now, little Clara has no place in that.

However she should become relevant to the story again, I highly suggest you hurry up with it, starting by properly introducing Ralph's deal and its benefits.
Or you cut her out and start with the soldiers in chapter 3 as the opening to a superhero-style fantasy action novel. What you have in this regard so far would suffice for one.
If you're having more fun writing that, it's probably better you commit to it.
 

killwrites

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2021
Messages
55
Points
18
Hello! Been wanting to post on this thread for a while, but I figured to post at least twenty chapters so as to give a better idea of my writing style and plot. Can I trouble you to look through my work and give your feedback on it? Thanks! (link is in my signature)
 

Jemini

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
983
Points
133

Restrictions​

  • No word limit as of yet. I'll read as far as I feel I need to.
  • No content restrictions either, but I might ignore your work at my own discretion (I'm fine with most everything and asking is always free)
  • No monetized works. I can't check for yet unpublished works ofc, so I'll trust in your fairness. (Artwork, bonus/advance chapters. Tips without benefits are excluded)

Does having a Patreon count? Or do you mean more along the lines of someone who is selling on Amazon or has their works behind a pay-wall?
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
Does having a Patreon count? Or do you mean more along the lines of someone who is selling on Amazon or has their works behind a pay-wall?
You have advance chapters, which counts as monetized for me.
But I guess this wasn't clarified enough.

As interesting as it would have been, it would be unfair to make an exception for you, I apologize.
 
Last edited:

Jemini

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
983
Points
133
You have advance chapters, which counts as monetized for me.
But I guess this wasn't clarified enough.

As interesting as it would have been, it would be unfair to make an exception for you, I apologize.

That's fine. By the fact that you said it "would have been" interesting, though, I guess this would be the time for me to say to feel free to enjoy it as a regular reader to your heart's content.
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
That's fine. By the fact that you said it "would have been" interesting, though, I guess this would be the time for me to say to feel free to enjoy it as a regular reader to your heart's content.
That I will
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
This is going to be a lot shorter, and since I haven't read the story in between, I won't be able to go into that aspect.


The Good​

You noticeably improved in your descriptions; the use of metaphors and impressions is leagues above webnovel standards.
The characters are fleshed out and feel natural, especially their final conversation on the beach.

The Bad​

While you're good at them, you have a tendency to overuse special mental states, lowering their impact and making the sections harder to read. The first few scenes of this chapter feel like they're in permanent high tension-slow motion. Shiro describes the picture in excruciating detail, but never reaches any notable conclusion.
The usage of a cellphone prompting a rundown of his baggage habits also felt out of place.

Your descriptions are extremely well done, but use them where necessary, not any time possible.
 

BenJepheneT

كاني™ ويست
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
4,053
Points
183
Oh fuck, I didn't expect you to run out of things to check out, especially given your impressive track record. But hey, means I got something to look for.

While you're good at them, you have a tendency to overuse special mental states, lowering their impact and making the sections harder to read. The first few scenes of this chapter feel like they're in permanent high tension-slow motion. Shiro describes the picture in excruciating detail, but never reaches any notable conclusion.
I see. A "a constant 11 is as good as a constant 1" type of deal.

Your descriptions are extremely well done, but use them where necessary, not any time possible.
If I may, how can I quantify a scenario's importance to deem a description necessary?
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
Oh fuck, I didn't expect you to run out of things to check out, especially given your impressive track record. But hey, means I got something to look for.


I see. A "a constant 11 is as good as a constant 1" type of deal.


If I may, how can I quantify a scenario's importance to deem a description necessary?
I reached 20 regular reviews, so I told myself it's time for the redos.

As for the importance a scenario:
The biggest factor is the speed you want it to be perceived at. If something should feel like it's taking a long time or high focus, that's where you add the meat. Conversely, something that should come across as a matter of seconds (or be done off handedly), shorter retelling is called for.

To distribute the "allotted" volume from above, think about how closely related the information in question is to the scene's focus. Him being awkward about using his new phone is a natural addition, while his carrying habits, at least to me, seem more far fetched in the situation.

That's how I manage this, but sadly I can't vouch for general applicability, I apologize. Your best guess is looking up online articles on the subject.
 

BenJepheneT

كاني™ ويست
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
4,053
Points
183
I reached 20 regular reviews, so I told myself it's time for the redos.

As for the importance a scenario:
The biggest factor is the speed you want it to be perceived at. If something should feel like it's taking a long time or high focus, that's where you add the meat. Conversely, something that should come across as a matter of seconds (or be done off handedly), shorter retelling is called for.

To distribute the "allotted" volume from above, think about how closely related the information in question is to the scene's focus. Him being awkward about using his new phone is a natural addition, while his carrying habits, at least to me, seem more far fetched in the situation.

That's how I manage this, but sadly I can't vouch for general applicability, I apologize. Your best guess is looking up online articles on the subject.
It's fine. I didn't expect any in-depth analysis, only a general outlook from a point of view I can trust. This is very helpful too, in its own right. My attempts from before can be summarized as "winging the fuck out of it".
 

EternalSunset0

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
796
Points
93
:blobspearpeek: Slides in

Volume 2 👀


On a serious note though, just put this in the back-burner while you work on the regular ones.

Just that I found your feedback super helpful and I feel I'm ready to present the next one if you're still up for it. After all, I still occasionally return to the first post to see some stuff that I could adjust with volume 1 when I do decide to get back to it. For now though, I won't be doing any adjustments to stuff that I have already written out, but at least you get to see continuity or how my volumes connect in their original, unedited form.

Slides out :blobspearpeek:
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
Technocyte: Beyond Human | Scribble Hub

Here's my novel. It's my first time actually writing a fictional story so any feedback is appreciated.
Once again a huge delay, I apologize.

I am not familiar with Dark Sector, which, according to short research, the Technocyte Virus seems to come from, so any further references will not be brought up in this review.

World

Your opening paragraph describing sanctuary makes it seem that the Technocytes are common knowledge, yet later on they are treated as a mystery. If that is supposed to a foreshadowing of future events, I didn't find it marked as such, nor any mention under what identity sanctuary's revolutionary inventions are publicized as instead.

Characters

The people you have introduced up until now seem organic for the most part, though there's little development from their expositions I saw.
Beatrice an Jay have a well done partner dynamic going on, though their past as child/guardian is a bit too subtle imo.
Her interaction with the doctor also makes me think she'd been older by the time of her father's death, even though it's stated that she was a little girl.

Sherlock has less interactions overall, but feels natural. The uneasiness he feels towards anything seemingly related to his past also does well to explain his acceptance towards his situation.

Plot​

The first scene in the sanctuary facility starts what I perceive to be extreme carelessness from the characters you tell the story from. The soldiers were in an advantageous position, but powered down the laser grid and approached the Technocyte with lowered guns.
Jay, having a suspect in his car, puts his gun openly in the cup holder. Beatrice is never mentioned to have locked her room despite living with him.
Joseph questions Sherlock about being a Technocyte, but makes no precautions for the case that his suspicions proof true.

But otherwise, the story is pretty solid. No traces of plot driven events or actions, it takes it's time, but never slows to the point of being boring.
And in connection with the characters, you're off to a great start so far!

Writing and Grammar​

This gets a lot better over the course of those 11 chapters, but you have a tendency to write massive block paragraphs that deal with 3 or more topics. Big paragraphs about one thing are fine, but if you can separate them thematically, I'd say you're better of doing that.

The amnesiac man had been lying on this hospital bed for the past hour in a half. Keeping himself occupied with nothing but the slow spinning fan blowing a barely noticeable breeze on him, his thoughts, and the occasional visit from a nurse to check on him.

His mind drifted back to earlier today when he stopped in the alleyway. The only memory he had of that time was having an incredible headache. Everything afterword went completely blank.

When he came to, he was in the back of an ambulance being rushed to the hospital. When he inquired about what happened he was a bit shocked to find that he was found unconscious near another, now declared deceased, patient, and was brought in due to a possible gunshot wound. Luckily for him, they found nothing at all

Another thing is that during dialogue, you sometimes put one character speaking in the same line as the other's reaction, instead of what the speaker is doing, which I find a bit distracting. Though this has also noticeably improved!


This is a bit short because little has happened in your story yet and there are few issues overall, but I hope it helps somehow.
 

Gallas

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2021
Messages
13
Points
3
HGiven that you have reached 10 chapters and the rather brief nature of my previous feedback, I decided to go back to it.
The necromancy issue pointed out there seems largely fixed and ties the origin of the book into the bigger story, so well done on that part.

Characters​

The discrepancy in Clara's personality has also been reduced, though she's still a bit too socially apt for someone who spent their life indoors with few contacts. Though that is just my impression. You're probably better of explaining why she isn't (backstory/flashes), rather than changing the chapters again.

A comparatively bigger issue right now is that she, despite being the title heroine of the series, appears less and less in recent chapters.
With her being a child, it would be more questionable to have her involved with the brutal criminals and guards, but I'm not even told yet how exactly she can prolong her life or what her power does.

There are other seemingly relevant characters, too, who each have their backstory with one another and drive the current plot, but few have more than two appearances. Thus, I won't be able to say much about them other than advise you to limit how many you introduce. They appear relatively well done, though, without any glaringly bland personalities.

Plot​

After about half a chapter of sick child melancholy, you have 3-4 of lighthearted sightseeing and shopping, only to deviate once again as you get into the chapters released since my first review. The synopsis has been updated, so I'll assume that your goals for the story have changed as well, but I don't really know which of those three aspects I should expect further down the line.

The chapter 6-10 were fun to read; the incident mentioned is probably what the conflict is leading to, yet the "training and get used to her cheat" part is skipped over until now. While you have used flashbacks already, the question is why you would delay it for so long.

If you ignore the synopsis and early chapters, however, you have a decent plot going. Different people fighting over their beliefs, restrictive order vs destructive freedom. Or a hint of it at least.
Most of their motives are still shrouded in mystery, with the action taking precedence.
It's definitely something you could roll with, but as of now, little Clara has no place in that.

However she should become relevant to the story again, I highly suggest you hurry up with it, starting by properly introducing Ralph's deal and its benefits.
Or you cut her out and start with the soldiers in chapter 3 as the opening to a superhero-style fantasy action novel. What you have in this regard so far would suffice for one.
If you're having more fun writing that, it's probably better you commit to it.
Thank you for your review.

Yeah, when I write this story, what I want to make is a protagonist that doesn't sound like a "protagonist." But maybe this time it was my mistake here.

When I first wrote it, there were so many holes there. (Somehow she gained access to pass the north gate and somehow Pedro accompanied her) so I rewrote it and made that accident more detailed (it also for world-building sake), but instead making the heroine have less screen time.

There are still plenty of chapters before the main focus back to mc (5 or maybe 10) so what do you think? Did I need to adjust the storyboard again?
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
Thank you for your review.

Yeah, when I write this story, what I want to make is a protagonist that doesn't sound like a "protagonist." But maybe this time it was my mistake here.

When I first wrote it, there were so many holes there. (Somehow she gained access to pass the north gate and somehow Pedro accompanied her) so I rewrote it and made that accident more detailed (it also for world-building sake), but instead making the heroine have less screen time.

There are still plenty of chapters before the main focus back to mc (5 or maybe 10) so what do you think? Did I need to adjust the storyboard again?
That really depends on what those remaining chapters are. If they lead up to the spotlight returning to Clara, then you're perfectly fine.
(ie what happens in them makes the reader expect how she is affected)

If she just kind of reappears after the side story is over, I'd suggest taking a look at it again.

Though if you want, you can also tell me your storyboard/outline and I can give you my thoughts concretely.
 

Gallas

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2021
Messages
13
Points
3
That really depends on what those remaining chapters are. If they lead up to the spotlight returning to Clara, then you're perfectly fine.
(ie what happens in them makes the reader expect how she is affected)

If she just kind of reappears after the side story is over, I'd suggest taking a look at it again.

Though if you want, you can also tell me your storyboard/outline and I can give you my thoughts concretely.
Well, it's like 2 different stories here (the accident and Clara pov about the accident). The important part is just the ending in which mc gain access to the northern region and the process doesn't really matter (kinda. Maybe?)

But for world building aspect, that is quite interesting because introduced a lot of character and I just feel bad to leave them upon already introducing them (Blackjack, Irelina, Greyhorn, etc)

-short storyboard-
*Irelina pursues Blackjack, they fight.
*Blackjack escaped, but meet Anna instead, they fight, and once again old man escaped with horrible injuries.
*The battle between guard vs nightmare.
*Irelina continues the pursuit but instead encounters other criminals who are on the run (Demon, Friede Sister, etc.) They fight. Criminals successful retreat.
*Clara gets escorted back to the inn. Along the way, she meets with Blackjack.
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
Well, it's like 2 different stories here (the accident and Clara pov about the accident). The important part is just the ending in which mc gain access to the northern region and the process doesn't really matter (kinda. Maybe?)

But for world building aspect, that is quite interesting because introduced a lot of character and I just feel bad to leave them upon already introducing them (Blackjack, Irelina, Greyhorn, etc)

-short storyboard-
*Irelina pursues Blackjack, they fight.
*Blackjack escaped, but meet Anna instead, they fight, and once again old man escaped with horrible injuries.
*The battle between guard vs nightmare.
*Irelina continues the pursuit but instead encounters other criminals who are on the run (Demon, Friede Sister, etc.) They fight. Criminals successful retreat.
*Clara gets escorted back to the inn. Along the way, she meets with Blackjack.
That should work. With the last part, you have the link back to Clara, which was what I was looking for.

But yes, leaving them would be a waste. If the only thing you wanted was Clara in the northern region, you could have started her there after the first scene in her house and explain how she got there in short flashbacks.

You could have them as recurring side characters, or even give them their own storyline, but that's up to you.
 

Gallas

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2021
Messages
13
Points
3
That should work. With the last part, you have the link back to Clara, which was what I was looking for.

But yes, leaving them would be a waste. If the only thing you wanted was Clara in the northern region, you could have started her there after the first scene in her house and explain how she got there in short flashbacks.

You could have them as recurring side characters, or even give them their own storyline, but that's up to you.
Actually, the real story begins after this when she is locked in a dungeon. It was just a setup for her to get there.

Thank you so much, kind sir. It's refreshing to have someone talking about it :D
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
Actually, the real story begins after this when she is locked in a dungeon. It was just a setup for her to get there.

Thank you so much, kind sir. It's refreshing to have someone talking about it :D
Then be sure to make that extra time worth the read!

Good writing!
 

Zirrboy

Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
203
Points
43
Would you please give a thorough review of my short story? Btw the whole "novel" is basically a collection of short stories which have no connection to each other. So, just read the chapter of the link I sent you.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/328355-cgrs-weekly-short/chapter/357099/
Short stories aren't my exact area of expertise, so this won't be thorough by any means, but if my impressions can help, have them!

Especially for webnovel standards, the writing aspect is well done. You use images and metaphors appropriately all the while keeping the sentence structure and language simple enough to read comfortably.

If I had to point out a flaw, it would be that the sentences also remain short when I think they could've been longer. Used selectively, this creates an in your case desirable effect of unrest and slight confusion in the reader. But you apply it almost everywhere, even in more settled segments, it not only diminishes the aforementioned benefits, but also turns to feel slightly choppy.

Since this is writing practice, I'm assuming that the dream-like impression the story makes on me is intended, and the short sentences do in part improve it. Also adding to that feel is the fight with the worm, which at times seems to bend physical consistency to strengthen the meaning each action carries.
As a short story with this sort of incorporeal feel to it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, nor would there be if this was an intentional part of this piece. But on the off chance that it's not, do note that I, as an "awake" person, sometimes had trouble figuring out how certain scenes were supposed to look.

And last but not least is the MC's internal conflict. Which, as I must shamefully admit, still somewhat eludes me. The beginning and end readily show their connection through both the head and the poet. But the main conclusion about "rather dying as a tyrant than living as a nobody" references a decision between his own life and that of his citizens that I don't recall being made.
Instead, the worm slaughter seems more like a lesson in futility. At no point was I under the impression that killing the giant would lead to his demise, which is the connection mentioned at the end.
In this specific case, I'd suggest using an actual rebellion, which he puts down by killing everyone.

In general, perhaps loosen your outline structure (synopsis) a bit to accommodate varied scenarios like this one in a more organic fashion. Setting rules is a good way to force yourself out of your comfort zone and learn, but experimenting when to disregard them is also extremely helpful practice.

So that'd be all, as little as it is.
 
Top