Trash Author, Know-It-All Reviewer
- Jan 25, 2021
Given that you have reached 10 chapters and the rather brief nature of my previous feedback, I decided to go back to it.Can you read mine?
The necromancy issue pointed out there seems largely fixed and ties the origin of the book into the bigger story, so well done on that part.
CharactersThe discrepancy in Clara's personality has also been reduced, though she's still a bit too socially apt for someone who spent their life indoors with few contacts. Though that is just my impression. You're probably better of explaining why she isn't (backstory/flashes), rather than changing the chapters again.
A comparatively bigger issue right now is that she, despite being the title heroine of the series, appears less and less in recent chapters.
With her being a child, it would be more questionable to have her involved with the brutal criminals and guards, but I'm not even told yet how exactly she can prolong her life or what her power does.
There are other seemingly relevant characters, too, who each have their backstory with one another and drive the current plot, but few have more than two appearances. Thus, I won't be able to say much about them other than advise you to limit how many you introduce. They appear relatively well done, though, without any glaringly bland personalities.
PlotAfter about half a chapter of sick child melancholy, you have 3-4 of lighthearted sightseeing and shopping, only to deviate once again as you get into the chapters released since my first review. The synopsis has been updated, so I'll assume that your goals for the story have changed as well, but I don't really know which of those three aspects I should expect further down the line.
The chapter 6-10 were fun to read; the incident mentioned is probably what the conflict is leading to, yet the "training and get used to her cheat" part is skipped over until now. While you have used flashbacks already, the question is why you would delay it for so long.
If you ignore the synopsis and early chapters, however, you have a decent plot going. Different people fighting over their beliefs, restrictive order vs destructive freedom. Or a hint of it at least.
Most of their motives are still shrouded in mystery, with the action taking precedence.
It's definitely something you could roll with, but as of now, little Clara has no place in that.
However she should become relevant to the story again, I highly suggest you hurry up with it, starting by properly introducing Ralph's deal and its benefits.
Or you cut her out and start with the soldiers in chapter 3 as the opening to a superhero-style fantasy action novel. What you have in this regard so far would suffice for one.
If you're having more fun writing that, it's probably better you commit to it.