Harsh criticism huh?
It is rather bad. There are just so many faults. Here are some:
The narration is really clunky. The pacing is very rapid with scenes just arriving and disappearing very suddenly. The flow or narrative is erratic. There would be a burst of action then the narrative would screech to a halt with a paragraph or two of internal monologue, then it would a sudden jerk into swift to action again only to screech to a halt with another monologue. It is like you are riding a broken car. You should keep the narration in mind especially when you rewrite and edit your story. It should flow smoothly and naturally. Like riding first class.
The POV is very inconsistent. Sometimes the story would be told in First-Person POV then it would suddenly switch to Third-Person POV in the middle of the paragraph to suddenly return to First-Person POV in the next sentence. Be wary of this issue. Stick to one POV in the whole story.
There is severe lack of descriptions. I couldn't tell what everyone looks like, how old these people are, what things looks like, etc. I couldn't even tell if the protagonist is male or female aside from the times the protagonist is referred to as a she but the protagonist is referred to as a he in the synopsis. I'm just confused. Provide more details to enhance your story and make sure to keep them straight.
The characters have no personality. There is no characterization whatsoever. Let them act. Let them express their personality with their speech and actions and thoughts. Let them be alive.
The dialogue is pretty much bare bones and often awkward. It would help if you read them aloud to get the feel of the speech. If it would feel like something the characters would say.
The plot is very generic and uninspired. This actually might not be a huge problem if everything else is executed well. You do have a interesting concepts (if not all original) but the execution just keeps it from its potential.
The writing is really awkward and full of grammatical problems. For example: "in a dark purple costume with a skirt and stars scattered about." What I think of was a purple costume that have pieces of a skirt and star appliques scattered allover it or scattered allover the place. And this: "The guy doesn't have any weapons. But his eyes are fairly bright." You fragmented a sentence by using a period instead of a comma to separate the two clauses. Still, even if you replace the first period with a comma, the resulting sentence have the conjunction but connect two clauses that have no contrasting relationship. English might be your second or third language (though, it isn't my native language either). You need an editor to help you with this.
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To be honest, to me, the story feels like a first draft than an actual manuscript that you can publish. It requires a lot of rewriting.
